Hope75 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 I agree with Annie, what does your coworker know about J? She's just feeding on your insecurities. You know that there is a possibility that J has, and a chance that he hasn't. I don't think you'd be the first person he'd tell regardless, because as Annie said, he is single and can do as he wishes and it's none of your business, just as you are single and can do what you wish and it's none of his business. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 And don't forget gradle... you've been a few dates yourself since the breakup.... Link to comment
gradle Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 oh my god, see that's what i want to avoid...i don't want' to go on these dates..i don't want him to be able to say taht since i've been "dating" he is going to do the same thing... i don't even want to go out with this guy.. i don't even consider them dates. and i could never be physical with thsi person, or any other right now, the thought is just nauseating, and the thought of him with someone else is 10 x worse... i'm so upset don't think he actually has done something liek that..i have to believe he is better than that. i mean, even when we got together, ti took us more than a month to be intimate. and i've never known him to just sleep around, he's always been really cautiuos about that stuff....he's just as prudish as i am. i don't think he would do that. by the way hope, i'm glancing at the other link you sent, those threads are really helpful... Link to comment
gradle Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 i also asked him when we were breaking up if he were going to do soemthing like that, and he said "we were too good for that" i can't believe he would do that...i can't even believe that he's even considering it... Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 .i don't want him to be able to say taht since i've been "dating" he is going to do the same thing. So gradle, you aren't going to date simply because you think J will use that for justification to date others himself? Honey, J is going to date others if he wants to, regardless of whether or not you are waiting around for him. The only one who can say if he's dated or been intimate with someone else is J, If he were, I don't think he would tell you because he knows how unstable you are acting about this breakup. Keep reading Tryingtobestrong's posts. She learned the hard way, maybe you can learn something from her posts as well. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 i also asked him when we were breaking up if he were going to do soemthing like that, and he said "we were too good for that" i can't believe he would do that...i can't even believe that he's even considering it... What do you mean by this? too good for what? He is a single man. He broke off ties with you, and if he wants to see someone else he can and will. I am not saying that he is, but he does not owe anything to you in terms of fidelity, he is a single man, just as you are a single woman. You are both entitled to see someone new if you please. Link to comment
gradle Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 i realize that we're both single now but when i asked him if he were going to be intimate wiht anyone, he said he could never "cheat" and when i pointed out that he wouldn't technically be cheating he just said, "oh, yeah" and that he and i were too good for that... Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 i realize that we're both single now but when i asked him if he were going to be intimate wiht anyone, he said he could never "cheat" and when i pointed out that he wouldn't technically be cheating he just said, "oh, yeah" and that he and i were too good for that... that's a really strange comment. I don't know what that means. Are you sure that's what he said? Maybe he meant "no one-night stand with a girl I meet at a bar." "too good for that" is just really strange - that makes no sense to me. Too good to move on and start a new relationship? Yes, he will start dating, if he hasn't already, regardless of whether you're dating or not, like Hope said. Link to comment
gradle Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 i know, and i'm just so sorry that i can't accept it.... but hope, i was browsing through trying threads and i saw something that you wrote that was very similar to waht i said earlier: "I was struck by what you said about browsing online personals, and being afraid to see his picture. I met my guy on an internet personals site, and since our breakup, just this week I have forced myself to look at guys online, but in truth the thought of being with anyone else sickens and depresses me. " that's exaclty how i feel, and i don't know how to get over it... Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 It's ok - it takes time. You just have to do your best to get through one day at a time. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 i realize that we're both single now but when i asked him if he were going to be intimate wiht anyone, he said he could never "cheat" and when i pointed out that he wouldn't technically be cheating he just said, "oh, yeah" and that he and i were too good for that... My guess is also that he meant he wasn't into one night stands as a general rule. He has the right to date others, and you do as well, and it isn't productive for you to be asking him if he isn dating anyone else. Firstly, he is unlikely to tell you since you are still very emotional about him and desperately clinging on, I am sure he wouldn't want to hurt you feelings any more than you are hurting already. Again, I am not saying that he is right now, but it's unlikely he will tell you if he is. Secondly, you are waaay stepping over the line into his private life if you are asking him questions like that. It isn't any of your business who he is with, he made that clear when he broke it off. Thirdly, let's say he does end up telling you he's seeing someone else. How are you going to react? It's going to destroy you. What would you do then? This is why I don't think he'd tell you. Link to comment
gradle Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 i think it would destroy me, you're right. do i tell him i've been going these "dates"? or do i keep it to myself? Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Tell him nothing. Have you considered doing NC on him for a while - I really think it would help clear the air. Link to comment
gradle Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 hah, i dont' think i could do that... i let him do all the initiating for a while, but i always break down after 4 or 5 days not hearing from him.... Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 "I was struck by what you said about browsing online personals, and being afraid to see his picture. I met my guy on an internet personals site, and since our breakup, just this week I have forced myself to look at guys online, but in truth the thought of being with anyone else sickens and depresses me. " that's exaclty how i feel, and i don't know how to get over it... Of course gradle, Everyone has a right to grieve, and I did as well, with my then ex and now bf, and with others before him. It would be painful to see that, and painful to think about J dating someone new, but it doesn't change the fact that he has a right to, and you do too. It goes in stages. My case on this forum is not a good example for you right now because my guy and I were in a different place, but in the past I had to let go of someone I loved very much still, and I, like you, for months hung on and agonized over every phone call, every action, and we even began hanging out as friends. When I finally got the courage to ask him if he ever thought about us getting back together, he said "well, no..." and I was absolutely crushed. He obviously is not in my life anymore, but we had a 2 year very serious relationship as well. Believe me, I have been where you are. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 i think it would destroy me, you're right. do i tell him i've been going these "dates"? or do i keep it to myself? No, you don't tell him. It's none of his business. The only reason you would tell him is try and manipulate him or "force his hand". The point is, he knows you are available to date other people, and he is obviously OK with that or he would be calling you and asking you back, and telling you that he wanted to be with you again. As long as he isn't doing that, your love life is your business, and has nothing to do with him. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 I was just thinking of something. When my guy and I first got together (in Oct 2002) he had broken up with a girl in August whom he dated for 9 months. He said that he had felt going along that it just wasn't working, they decided to try and make it work, and it just wasn't happening, and they broke up in Aug. In Nov. some 3 months later, in the middle of the night, we were asleep at his place and the phone rings, At this point he had asked me to move in already. Our first thought was something terrible had happened to someone we love. We got up and by the time we got to the phone, the machine picked up. It was her, the ex, she was saying that she couldn't sleep and was thinking about him. We didn't pick up, and he never called her back. Mostly, I felt sorry for her that after 3 months she still couldn't let him go, and was calling in the middle of the night. After a few more attempts by her to get his attention he had to reply and tell her that he was seeing someone. She then wanted to meet him for lunch, and he had to tell her no. Gradle, I thought it was sad that she was still so desperate. I'm just thinking, what if J is really trying to move in and you are hindering that for him? (I'm not saying moving on with anyone right now, but just moving on in itself?) Would you want to do that to him? Link to comment
gradle Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 i know its selfish. but i love him and i want him in my life... and it doesn't seem taht he doesn't want to be in it... and i think i've been giving him space... i dont ask what he's been doing in his free time, i do'nt try to get details... i don't want to hinder him, but god hope, i love this man so much. Link to comment
gradle Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 i mean, i haven't been acting in ways that is so desperate to him. he doesn't know i 'm having this anxiety atacks, which have decreased...when i talk to him i tell him i'm fine, taht i'm doing well in fact. that things are getting better for me adn i'm having fun....i try to hide how sad i am... Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 gradle, put yourself in his shoes. If you broke up with someone, would you want them calling every 4-5 days, popping by with a birthday card, etc. would you want to be allowed to move on, or would you constantly want to be reminded of the relationship you ended? do you think that his feelings should be taken into consideration less because you love him? (meaning, you won't leave him alone because "you love him") I don't think you are being fair to him. (or yourself, but you know that). Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 If you are going to do the B-day card, don't drop by in person, like Hope said. You're not giving him a chance to ... uh... be broken up from you. If you are going to give him the card, mail it, or send him a greeting from link removed. Don't be intrusive. Besides, he may have other plans on his birthday, you know, other friends he is planning on going out with.... Link to comment
gradle Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 hi annie, i know, but this is really something i feel like i need to do. and i'm going to call beforehand, so if he really doesn't want to see me, then fine... but i don't plan on going by on his bday either, i was going to go a few days before so taht i don't intrude on any plans.... anyways, he is also calling and IMing me, it's not all me, in fact i'm doing less than he is. adn the conversations have been good for the most part. if it were my bday, i'm sure he would somehow contact me, i don't know if he would get me anythign or stop by, but i knwo he would contact me. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 i know, but this is really something i feel like i need to do. Gradle, why do you feel like you need to do this? What purpose is it going to serve? What do you hope/think is going to happen if you go? Link to comment
gradle Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 i think i need to see how he's doing, i need to show him that i have survived, and i still am good. and i need to show him that we can hang out and not be emotional...i need to try and be his friend right now, becasue if there is any hope in teh future, i think being friends now would help it. i just need to... Link to comment
gradle Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 its just, even when i talk to him now, i try to lift him, he sounds so down sometimes, like i was trying to make him feel better about being bored the otehr day, trying to encourage him to go out more...which is crazy cause part of me wants him to stay in adn feel lonely and miserable about hwat he did, but part of me wants him to feel alive too...i want to see that he's ok, soemtiems it feels almost as if i did the dumping, even though i know i didn't ....i just feel like he has a lot on his mind right now Link to comment
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