please, i really need help. i love my ex more than anything

[Hope75]

Hi Gradle,

 

I know I don't want someone who cries when things don't go there way, you're right play, but this is a pretty big thing that's not going my way, and I think it's normal to cry, it feels like a huge loss, almost like a death…

 

It's normal to grieve and feel sad, it's not normal to harass him about it constantly, cry and get upset every time he reminds you that he wants time and space, and he's told you he feels tension whenever you bring up the relationship, a sure sign he isn't interested in getting back together, at least for right now. You've done some pretty wacky and stalkerish things to him lately, the calling 5 times after freaking out at him and having him hang up on you....

 

..l.and then he said he had to go (and i cursed at him) and he hung up,..

and i called him like 5 times and he picked up, and we talked for a fwe more minutes ...i knwo i'm being an idiot...

but earlier in the conversation i'd hinted about hte concert next weekend and he seemed intersted and said he wanted to go...i shoudl have left it at that...but i'm an idiot..

 

As far as manipulating the concert......You are the one that brought up the concert the first time (see above) , and then you brought it up a second time....(see below...)

 

he didn't want to lead me on...i knew that... but i had mentioned the concert yesterday, and he said today that he might want to go...he said he might have a friend in town so i said oh well, that's fine, i'll just go with this other friend who i know likes them, and he said, no no, don't go with them, i'll go, and he bought the tickets,

 

and after bringing it up and having him mention he had a friend, (that maybe he would have liked to go with?) you mentioned you would go anyway with someone else..... you were baiting him in a big way and playing on his feelings of guilt, whether you realize it or not....

 

I know you want to have hope that things between you can work out, but it really seems you are sabotaging your chance. Think about it, each time recently when you have talked to J, he has stated again in some way or another that he wants to have his space....I count at least 3 times he has asked you for time and space in the last week.....

 

first in the email he wrote you after you emailed him...

 

I just wanted some space and for us to do our own things.

 

then when he actually called you and you snapped....

 

and hten he had to go ...and i flipped again...

i was upset, and he said he just needed some time, he has to find out who he is, how when we were together he was never completely happy, how when things just start to go wrong in his life he just gives up on them, sees no point in working on them

 

again when you showed up at his house.... and you told us he was acting like an a**...because he was quiet and didn't want to talk about the relationship which he ended because you smother the heck out him ...

 

he was a little quiet after a few minutes and then he acted that way when I mentioned the relationship, like one word answers, etc, like he's sick of talking about it, because he probably is (bad of me yes, but we didn't hamper on it long) and he said things would be ok with us if I could quit bringing it up, that it made things awkward, he said he worried about hanging out with me because he was scared that I would act crazy, he did bring up that he didn't think I was crazy, but that I had acted crazy when we broke up..

 

These are all his words, hon, and yet you still freaked out, called him 5 times, went over there, brought him a card and poster, and manipulated him to go to the concert with you...

 

I just don't see him ever coming back to you, because regardless if he is thinking of it or not, you just keep smothering him, and not giving him room to breathe.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, Gradle, I think you are so blinded by your feelings for him that you might not even be able to see what you are doing.

 

Remember when you said after you mailed him the card you were going to do NC for two weeks? To give yourself breathing room, and him?

 

Now what??

 

Can you see here what you are doing to him?

[gradle]

Hi hope,

 

I guess you're right, I probably am smothering him about the relationship…I have to stop that… I really do b/c I don't want to lose him completely, and I know that I may already have.

But as far as other things, he's initiated some of the contact, he's obviously not sick of me completely. And he seems okay, he doesn't seem so mad at me or anything, and things ended so well, with us just joking around and a big hug that was nice. He even walked me to the door and I think he was expecting another hug then, but I just walked away not thinking about it. As far as the concert, I did mention maybe he should take his friend, but he said his friend didn't like guster…so maybe he's just going to the concert with me b/c he has no one else to go with, maybe he doesn't really just want to go with me… but I never said he had to go with me, as far as me going with my other friends and that keeping him from going or whatever, I don't see why I shouldn't go to the concert, they're one of my favorite bands as well, and j didn't even realize they were coming to town until I mentioned it. He was the one that went to the lengths to actually get tickets, etc. but please understand, he made the decision to go with me on his own.

I agree with you about the relationship smothering.. and I am determined not to initiate any contact with him at all from now on, even on his/annies/and everyone elses' birthdays, I expect him to call me about the concert, but not much else

Who knows, maybe he'll change his mind before the concert and decide he doesn't want to go with me at all… it would be crappy of him, for I'd have to go out of my way to get my own tickets so late in the game plan, but I know it could happen, and I'm preparing myself for it.

So I think you are definitely on the ball with the smothering issue…but please don't think that I'm manipulating him, I'm really not trying to do that at all…I mean when I talk to him and I'm not freaking out, it really does seem like he's enjoying my company, and he says that's true, maybe he's just saying to make me feel better, I don't know, but he doesn't act like it's all just to make me feel better.

[Mun]

I have a suggestion for you and of course it's up to you if you want to do it or not:

After the concert don't immediately suggest doing something else...wait a bit and see if HE suggests going somewhere. If he doesn't then call it a night and go home, I know you will be disappointed, but please try not to push yourself on him.

 

Hopefully he will want to spend more time with you and will have some plans for you guys.

 

Good luck

[gradle]

hi mun!

thanks for the suggestions..

oh no, i meant doing something else with other people, besides him...

i don't expect us to do anything after the concert together..

i could just wait and see if he suggests it, and if not make my own plans. i'm trying to keep with the mindset that he's just going to the concert with me b/c he has no one else to go with..

and my goals now are to not initiate contact and to not discuss the relationship when he calls..sound better?

[Hope75]

my goals now are to not initiate contact and to not discuss the relationship when he calls..sound better?

 

Sounds much better.

 

I don't think you intentially tried to manipulate him into going to the concert, but you definitely put the bug in his ear and brought it up several times to him, in the hopes that he would want to go with you, when what you really should be doing is letting him initiate plans with you instead of jumping the gun and setting that up for him.

 

He hasn't once asked to spend time with you, and you haven't given him a chance to do so because you showed up at his house and brought up the concert.

 

Give him a chance to express how he feels. Right now all he has said in so many words is "please, gradle, give me room to breathe and give me time to sort out my feelings." You have not given him that. Seems that for someone who loves J so much, you are not taking his needs and desires into consideration if they do not coincide with yours.

[gradle]

ok, i agree with that...but please understand that i am trying

[annie24]

Yes, I agree with muneca. I'm afraid that Gradle, you may win the battle but lose the war. You know, as in, he'll call you and sometimes you'll hang out and he'll stay in your life as a friend, but he'll never want to be your bf again because he'll feel smothered.

 

Please don't call him on my birthday!!! You already did the card thing. On another note, I just got invited to a BBQ, which is actually in honor of this other girl's bday on the 23rd - we're both turning 25 on the 23rd!!! Crazy.....

[gradle]

deal, for his bday present and for my own sanity, i won't call him, but i will wish you a happy bday

[Hope75]

ok, i agree with that...but please understand that i am trying

 

I know that you want to do the right thing, and I know there is this battle between your head and your heart and you are letting your heart run all over your common sense and doing what you know is wrong and may drive J away even farther...

 

When you feel like calling him or bringing him something or looking at his IM away message or emailing him or driving by his house, stop. Read this thread. Read the quotes I pulled out for you where he asks, begs, for you to back off and give him space.

 

Try, really try. Don't rationalize your behaviour so it doesn't sound as smothering as it is.

 

You love J, right? He asks you for one thing, over and over. Don't you want to give him that?

 

What about you? You are so busy chasing him and trying to get him to notice you and spend time with you that you again are losing yourself.

 

You are GRADLE, an amazing, funny, attractive, successful woman, without J! You aren't even giving yourself a chance to be her, because you are so wrapped up in desperately trying to win J back in one way or another.

 

Why not do something for you?

 

You deserve happiness too, not just J. Right now, J cannot be the source of your happiness. But you can.

 

How about it?

[annie24]

Yeah!!! I'm excited about my birthday! Yes, send me wishes - that makes me happy!

[gradle]

hi hope, hi annie, hi everyone!

thanks for all your help! i've had a pretty decent day and i'm feeling a lot better about things... i'm trying to expect the worst and hope for the best... before the pistons game i went out for a drink with one of my friends, and she told me she didn't htink j handled the break up well at all, and although i knew that, i thought he'd put a pretty strong game face on for everyone else...so i feel a little better knowing that i wasn't the only one obviously devastated...

also, i remember last night, j isnt' over me, he had all of my pics up still, and he'd even put up the collages i had gotten him....what was i so worried about, thinking he'd just move on so quickly?

as strange as it seems...i feel so much better...

i do need to do a lot more for myself, i have to quit going out so much....and just be alone for awhile...see how i am by myself...but i'm in a tough situation...i have this entire week booked! except maybe fri. night...so i'll get to myself next week thanks to everyone for listening to me b*$ and moan all the time...i don't mean to talk your ear off...

i guess some people invited meto happy hour tomorrow, but i think maybe i shoudl try to avoid it b/c i know j will be there...i have other things to do anyways, but i have to pick my friend up from there...maybe i'll just have her meet me outside. i will give him his space....although normally i would go in, and i know everyone says i should do what i normally do, i do think the appropriate action is to stay out of his way for now...(which is what all of you also want me to do )

anyways, i hope you all had a great night and watched the pistons win!

[Hope75]

HI Gradle,

 

You know that J isn't just going to get over the relationship with you in a month. You guys were together for over 2 years, right? There are alot of feelings and sadness on both sides.

 

I'm sure he does still care for you, and for him this isn't about replacing you as fast as he can. It's about taking time for himself and demanding the space he needs, and being single. Yes. there's a chance that at some point he may meet someone and want to date again, and the same goes for you, but you know why he split with you, and it didn't have anything to do with anyone else in his life.

 

I think you would be smart not to go into happy hour tomorrow, you just said before this evening that you were going to focus on giving J the space he asked for. I think going out with your friends is fine and in fact good for you, but yes, take some time alone for yourself too, it feels so good to pamper yourself!

 

Hang in there, you will get though this gradle!

[gradle]

Hi all

So today is j's bday, as well as annie and tman And I'm feelin kind of down…I'm tempted to send him an ecard, but I know I probably won't do it…I didn't go by the happy hour that I knew he was at last night, just went out with some different people…

I just wonder how he's doing and if he's going to have a good birthday, if he's going to have a better bday without me in it…

Stupid huh?

But most of my friends are going out of town this weekend and one of j and my mutual friends said they might all go out tomorrow night, that there's a chance that j might be there…and he said they'd probably give me a call too…I don't know if I should go, I don't really want to stay home on a fri night if I could avoid it… weekend nights are the worst to stay home on b/c you don't have the anticipation of work the next day…

I'm scared that my actions right when we broke up might have ruined j and my chances for good….he says they haven't, but I don't know…

I hope he has a nice birthday (but not a better one than without me in it J )

i'm feeling ok, not too down, but still just really sad and hopign we can work things out...

[Hope75]

Hi Gradle!

 

I was thinking of you this morning, it's my guy's 30th birthday today.

 

I think you were smart not to go last night, and on Friday night when he is out with your friends, you should probably try to find something else to do as well. Giving him his space is respecting him and what he asked for.

 

Give him that chance to miss you!

 

I know today must be a hard day for you , try to keep yourself busy and avoid talking to him. You already gave him a small gift and a card, so you already acknowledged his birthday. You don't need to overdo it.

 

So, when do you officially leave for DC?? You have friends there now, right?

[gradle]

I still don't know when I move to dc….all I really know is that my security clearance has gone through and we keep playing phone tag…hopefully I'll know soon..i have like 4 of my old roommates there...

I'm doing okay though…I just keep thinking of j's past birthdays..last year I took him to a movie and to his favorite concert…and the year before that I took him skydiving…before that it was a lot of visits and phone calls and emails…I think I was a good girlfriend…I know I had my faults…I shouldn't smother and I shouldn't get jealous about stupid things when he has given me no reason to be concerned…

I just think back…

I remember a year ago I was really stressed out about us…and he called me and he was like listen…don't worry…you are having more doubts about this relationship than I am…this is a much nicer and easier relationship than I've ever been in…don't worry…he said…

I hate to think about how his feelings' have changed…

It makes me sad and it's hard to accept…

So I guess j and I are probably going on this concert on Saturday, we'd better be b/c my friend called last minute yesterday and said he had an extra ticket to see guster and the boston pops last night and I turned it down b/c I knew I'd see them on sat + last night was my other friend's birthday…I'm trying to tell myself to remember that when I'm with other people I don't harp on j and my relationship so much, so I should try not to do it with j…just pretend like he's just a friend and flirt just a bit….

[Hope75]

Hi Gradle,

 

I know, it's tough to think back and wonder where the heck you were when all of this was changing.

 

A year before my ex and I broke up we were talking about our future and when we might get married... and look what happened to us. It's important to remember that that was then and this is now... no matter how hard that is...

 

It's hard to accept, but we need to, in order to get past it in one way or another.

I know I had my faults…I shouldn't smother and I shouldn't get jealous about stupid things when he has given me no reason to be concerned…

 

So how did you get jealous? How did you act when you were jealous, what sort of things made you feel jealous and what would you do when you were jealous?

[gradle]

Well, much of my jealousy probably stems b/c one of my ex boyfriends that I dated for a year and a half cheated on me…. But, w/ j, when he lived in DC and I in Michigan he would always hang out with my old roommates…and I would get jealous that he was going out with them all the time, almost every weekend and after work for happy hours…and I knew one of them had a little crush on them…so I would ask him to find some guys to hang out with and I guess I would just be sort of stand offish to j…I would get mad b/c my friends started to see me as his g/f and not as me…that hurt… when I was in town, which was quite often, some of them would call him and not me…that hurt…so I would get mad and I probably took it out on him…but when he was hanging out with other girls (like my friends friends) I would get weary, but not that bad, he would have to assure me that it was okay…

When we moved here..there is this girl…and she's like perfect…she's what I always wanted to be …supersmart…marathon runner…really pretty…she's in most of j's classes and in research…

Well he kept looking her up (like googling her)…and I got really upset the first time I saw this…I blew up at him..b/c I had just moved all the way out here, and then I had the fear of god in me that he was interested in another girl…but he kept doing it after I asked him to stop…

Well it turns out she has a serious boyfriend and they are moving in together..but still, I know j was/is attracted to her, I don't really blame him, hell I would be too. But when I would meet her she would just sort of ignore me, and that would just not help things at all… j would invite her to his parties, etc and I would get upset..but I was learning to get over it..hell the night before he broke up with me I went to one of her parties with him and it was fine, I had a good time and it was fine…it was just taking me a while to accept it…so I would get jealous sometimes, but not really about other things…for the most part I hardly got jealous about his ex's unless something happened and I didn't care if they hung out…just this one ex that he dated for a year and a half (the one he sorta put things on hold with me for about 5 years ago) and she just didn't like me with good reason…but they still hung out together with other people after he and I were dating and I was okay with it…until one day she tried to physically beat him up about it…then I had a problem and so did he and he cut her off…but his other ex's I actually got to become friends with..i would go out with them without j around and even with him…

I don't think I was that unreasonable…

[Hope75]

No... I can see why you would get upset, at least about the girl he was googling.... that's a hard place for you to be in.

 

So how long did you guys do the long distance thing for before you were within reasonable vicinity with one another?

 

I wonder if J felt more like he had space to breathe when you visited for short but intense periods of time, and then when everything changed and you were together alot more, he felt like everything was pushed in his face and it was far more serious than he wanted to think.

[Hope75]

Gradle,

 

This girl sounds like she is in your boat!

 

Maybe you could give her some advice?

 

 

[gradle]

Hi hope,

I don't think I went overboard with the girl he googled, but he uses that as an excuse as to a reason of why we broke up, even though I don't think it's that valid. I did freak out after one of the parties he threw and she was there…I didn't really understand why he had to invite her when he knew I was insecure about her. But looking back I probably was overreacting. I mean when he dated other girls, they didn't even let him talk to me…I'm not half that bad I don't think…I only asked him to let me know if he were still talking to that one ex, I never asked him to stop talking to her by any means…

I think you're right in some respects, that it started looking more serious than he was ready for…when we moved here it was odd, all of the people we knew were engaged or married…and I guess he and I had sort of talked about it, but not for a long time in the future (3 or 4 years at least)…but it was like we'd lost all of our singlehood…we had almost no single friends, and people were expecting a lot more from us..and I probably in some ways expected more from him after awhile…but I don't' think that I did, I can't really pinpoint anything I did that would indicate to him that I wanted to step into something huge really fast… I got upset a lot that he wanted to go with his friends for new years, and I got upset recently b/c I wanted to take a vacation together, but he just wanted us to go visit his friends…

But other things indicated to me that he was ready for something more serious….like he would ask me if I had start looking for a job in san Francisco…

he was in dc for a year…and I knowing he would have to go to grad school out of dc was looking for a job in dc, and he asked me why I would do that, why not look in a place where he'd be for grad school…I mean he never out right asked me to move to boston, but he would ask me where I would want to live if he did go to grad school, he had only 5 choices, and even less than that in the end…I mean, I told him I wasn't moving there just for him…that I would have to go somewhere to work, my going and finding a job where he was would be a plus…

Gosh hope, I'm not crazy…I know how much he cared…it's just so hard to accept that it can almost suddenly be gone…

[Hope75]

I think it was OK for you to be upset about the girl he was googling, I would have felt uncomfortable about her coming to parties and would have probably mentioned it to him at some point, I don't know if I would have "freaked out", or what exactly that means that you did....

 

It sounds like he might of thought living in the same city would be great (and that's a logical thought) but then when it actually happened, he just felt like it was too much. Maybe that pushed the flaws of the relationship in a brighter light, he felt more controlled because you were there all the time, instead of him having his freedom to visit friends and hang out with people more.

 

It's a big change to go from a LDR to one that is "in your face" close all the time, esp. when J sounds like a guy who likes his freedom alot.

 

I think what you really need to do is just chill and really try to give him more of the freedom his misses. There's no telling what both of you will decide by the time he gets to DC....

 

Did you see the link I sent you by that other poster? She is almost in the same boat as you!

[gradle]

yeah, i think you're right...i just hope he reconsiders..

yeah, that poor girl...i replied for her...i hope i can help her

[gradle]

i'm really sad right now...i'm so tempted to call him to wish him a happy birthday...i know i shouldn't though

[gradle]

he's got this brendan benson song up as his profile:

Well I don't know what I'm looking for

But I know that I just wanna look some more

And I won't be satisfied

'Till there's nothing left that I haven't tried

For some people it's an easy choice

But for me there's a devil and an angel's voice

Well I don't know what I am looking for

But I know that I just wanna look some more

 

Well I don't know what I'm living for

But I know that I just wanna live some more

And you hear it from strangers

And you hear it from friends

That love never dies, love never ends

Now I don't wanna argue, no I don't wanna fight

'Cause you're always wrong and I'm always right

Well I don't know what I am living for

But I know that I just wanna live some more

 

I used to be involved, and I felt like a king

Now I've lost it all and I don't feel a thing

I may never grow up, I may never give in

And I'll blame this world that I live in

I visit hell on a daily basis

I see the sadness in all your faces

I've got friends who have married

And their lives seem complete

Here I am still stumbling down a darkened street

 

And I act like a child and I'm insecure

And I'm filled with doubt and I'm immature

Sometimes it creeps up on me and before I know it

I'm lost at sea

But no matter how far I row

I always find my way back home

But I don't know what I've been waiting for

But I know that I don't wanna wait anymore

[Hope75]

Don't do it Gradle!!!

 

Call a friend instead ok?? Talk to me instead.

 

You already acknowledged his birthday, remember? I'm sure he has plans with friends, so don't worry about him.

 

Be strong.