gradle Posted June 26, 2005 Author Share Posted June 26, 2005 ok, will do...i can do that, i know i'm strong enough for that... part of me is scared too though...i'm scaredthat the friends i've made since j and i broke up won't want to hang out with me anymore, not all of htem, but some of them...they're guys and they just love to flirt, and they've been good to me...but i'm scared that they just don't want to worry about me or talk to me once i'm in a relationship? silly? i mean, this was part of the problem, i felt like i had to give people up to be in a relationship, and i'm sure he felt the same...so that's what we have to work on...but in my head, i think that if they won't want to hang out with me b/c i have a boyfriend, then it's their problem, not mine, that tehy're not real friends anyways...but it is my problem, b/c i do like these people and i would love to keep them in my life... Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 Gradle, The tough part is that maybe he needs this time alone to figure out exactly what he wants, before he can even tell you what that is. He really sounds conflicted, I think alot of this is still about you being too clingy and needy. He basically said that if you weren't acting this way that he might have been willing to give things a chance, but because you are struggling so much and pushing him so much he feels like he needs to back off. Now he says he doesn't know if he feels the same about you.... I can see his point about you guys being so far away and trying to repair such a fragile relationship would be tremendously difficult with both of you on opposite sides of the country... He at least hasn't closed off completely to the idea of a reconciliation, but it takes time, and it isn't likely that is going to happen before you guys leave. Try to understand that rebuilding a relationship from scratch takes alot of time and effort, and you really do need to grow individually before you can work on that together, and it can take months to get there. My bf and I broke up almost 8 months ago and we are still working to rebuild a solid stable relationship. You have to give him some space and time, and while you have this time on your hands really work on yourself and your own self esteem and identitiy, as a separate and individual person. If it can work out for you, this is the only way that will be possible. You guys might need to spend this year apart and grow and change and explore. At the end you might find that you are so different that you don't want to be with one another anyway. Try to hang in there. Although you were clingy and needy tonight, J hasn't run away entirely, though he did reinforce how much that turns him off in terms of getting back together. Link to comment
gradle Posted June 26, 2005 Author Share Posted June 26, 2005 i know, you're right, you're totally right. part of me is frightened that this is going to end up even worse in the end, very frightened.. i HAVE to have patience, i have to grow, i have to grow up. so does he...he admits he acts immature...he even sometimes says that he doesn't know if he could ever commit to anyone...that all of his relationships have ended b/c his feelings have changed in the end and he didn't knwo if he could work on them(he's only had me and this one other girl, and maybe a couple others that only lasted a month or two) but it only happened with one other girl that he cared about, and she was awful to him afterwards! like she slept with several of his friends, including his best friend...and i think it was probably to make him jealous, b/c she did try to get him back even after that i know i'm more mature than that, i couldn't even fathom! even his acquaintances, even when j and i hadn't spoken for over a year...even when they woudl try to talk to me, i made it clear that i wouldn't do that, nothing more than innocent flirting...i could never feel passed around, so to speak...i think that's just awful. i think the concert was especially hard b/c all around us were couples, and instead of using it to my advantage, i got upset. at one point, teh song lyrics went like this "It must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all " and i just broke down he woudl hug me and on the whole ride home he was holding my hand... towards the end things were so much better and we were laughing and talking like normal..when i made sure i didn't talk about the relationship..things were okay... Link to comment
gradle Posted June 26, 2005 Author Share Posted June 26, 2005 he claims he can't really change until you force it... i don't really agree with that...he claims that i wouldnj't be stronger, etc if we had stayed together... i don't totally agree withthat, i was already changing when i saw that it needed to be done, but why couldnt he just come out and tell me that he needed more space, why did he have to tell me he loved me and missed me after we took a break (about a month and a half before the breakup) he was the one that wanted to see me, adn missed me... if he could have just sat me down adn maturely told me what he needed, what he wanted me to do, instead of just moped around about it, it might never have come to this... Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 Obviously, this is a problem in your relationship that has been troubling J for a while. I don't know why he didn't say something earlier. Perhaps he did tell you, but you didn't pick up on it. Gradle, this isn't what you want to hear, I'm sorry, but I think you have a looong way to go on getting over your "smothering" problem. You still have it, even though J has told you repeatedly it's a turn-off for him. When you see him or talk to him on the phone, you should not bring up ANYTHING relating to marriage, relationships, kids, future, etc etc etc. Especially no crying! I think he's starting to feel really guilty for breaking up with you, and that's not good, because if he feels guilty, then he feels like he isn't the right match for you, so you are driving him away. That's why when you see him or hear from him, you have to be the independent girl he likes. Link to comment
gradle Posted June 26, 2005 Author Share Posted June 26, 2005 i know, you're right, you're right...i'm so sorry, really i am. god, i really don't want him to feel guilty, and i'm sure that's how he feels now. maybe i should just let him go...it's just so painful and so hard and such a huge loss. i'll see what happens when he calls again...if i can't behave, maybe i should just let him go Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 Don't apologize to me. I just don't want to see you push him away for good. Maybe you can "rehearse" mentally in your head, being light and fun, but not being "relationshippy" or whatever. When I was losing weight with WeightWatchers, they taught us this technique. If we knew we were going to a birthday party, or to a buffet, they would tell us to, in the days before the event, to picture ourselves going to the salad bar, getting light dressing, getting a bit of lean meat, maybe some soup, and walking past the desserts and fried foods. Or, visualizing ourselves eating healthy, but sharing a dessert with a friend. Then, visualize how good about yourself you will feel when you walk out of there. You should try the same thing. Visualize J calling you, you pick up the phone, talk about your fun beach trip, and the cute new outfits you bought, and the new movie you saw. Then, he says he spent time with that couple, and you say, "oh, that sounds like a fun weekend!" and you change the subject. Picture how good you will feel that you didn't bring up relationship issues. It will be so much better if he brings them up - the conversation will be so much better. Link to comment
gradle Posted June 26, 2005 Author Share Posted June 26, 2005 i know, you're right, i have to practice...i can make this work...i just have to put up a strong front, he's not going to miss me if i keep acting like a child. i hope he comes and visits in dc, i really really hope so. adn i think there's hope for us...i really do, if he's actually willingto give it a shot, there's hope right? ok, i hvae to visualize my conversations and my times with him...visualize it going well... remember how fun i am with other people? i have to be that way with him... thanks everyone, thanks hope, thanks annie for putting up with me... Link to comment
Mun Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 Gradle, I honestly don't know why you insist on killing your chances or a possible reconciliation in the future. I thought you wanted to give this your best shot? When you are behaving "normal" is when you are relaxed and confident in yourself. Try to do this often, especially when you talk to J. Even if at times you don't feel it. This will attract him and not push him away like your "clingly" behavior does. You know that. Of course he could want to spend more time with you when you are fun to be around--NOT when you are crying about the break up and making him feel like a jerk. Common sense girl. Gradle you need to trust in your future and that if this relationship is meant to be you will find each other again. That confidence should help you behave more " normal. " I like what he has said to you. It's as if you have insider information. He said you both need to grow, if you had kept your normal behavior he would have wanted to reconcile sooner, he wants some space to be a complete person---you need to do the same. So you have the formula, the recipe to make this work ( if you get another chance) ....use it. Good luck ! Link to comment
gradle Posted June 26, 2005 Author Share Posted June 26, 2005 yes, you are right mun....he has told me what he needs, and i need to give it to him....i'm so lucky in that respect, that he has been honest and tells me what he's thinking and i believe he is truthful about it... i messed up last night, i don' tknow if i can ever forgive myself for it. i think that's the hardest part right now...just trying to get over my mistakes, i feel so bad about them that it just hampers me from continuing to grow and be better for me and for him... like, i want to be this better person, i truly do. and i'm so scared that if i do work on myself, it might mean giving him up, i'm scared that i'll be too busy for him, even though this is what he's dying for me to do...to continue to grow and make myself better. i need to get over my fears...and i keep thinking, that if we're doing lost distance this will help me be more available to do more of the things that i shoudl do...like volunteer, i used to volunteer so much, but since he and i have dated, he just always wanted me to lay around and hang out...and i gave in, happily. i'm so scared that if i make myself too unavailable for him now, i won't be able to really make things better (at least a little bit better) before we both leave. and this fear holds me back so much. i have to deal with my fears. and i know part of me really wants his support in doing that, but i don't think he can give that to me in any other way right now. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 I agree with muneca - it seems like you are ruining your chances of a reconciliation on purpose. We've told you what to do, and he's told you what he needs, like muneca said, it's a simple equation, now follow it. Trust us, being a bit more unavailable will make you look better in his eyes, it won't drive him away. he's telling you he wants more space! So, give it to him! Go out, have a life. He can always leave a message on your machine if you are out. In fact, he will get curious, and maybe even a bit jealous if he sees you are not always available to take his calls and he'll wonder who you're with. Thats a good thing!!! Have you read the books on your reading list? Link to comment
gradle Posted June 26, 2005 Author Share Posted June 26, 2005 hah, i was on my way out to buy them! i'm getting started TONIGHT! Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 Good girl!!! I always figured, you read books to learn about physics, and books to learn about personal finance. I think that reading books about relationships is equally important. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 HI Gradle, I see that the ladies have given you ample advice on how to handle yourself for now.... I agree with them that by waiting around and making yourself "too" available you are only denying yourself the possibility of improving and becoming more independent. You have a cell phone, if J desperately needs to reach you he can, but he really wants to have his space and for both of you to grow, so get out there and get started! You know already that you blew it the other night, but as Annie said, practice how to handle yourself if he calls. He told you, as he has told you several times what he is looking for, for you to calm down and stop bringing up the relationship and freaking out and getting upset. That's when he pulls away. You just aren't listening to him. You tell us you wish he'd just tell you what he wants and needs, so you can do it. He has, now listen to him! You do just keep making him feel guilty and like a jerk every time you cry and bring up the relationship. You want him to come around and talk to you because he wants to, not because he feels guilted into it. You should be working on yourself regardless of what happens with J, since he gave you up that isn't even a question or concern, and so long as you hang here and do nothing, he isn't going to take you back. If he sees no change, eventually he is going to get tired of the same old show, know what I mean? You are not going to fix this before he leaves, or before you leave. That is something you need to accept now, and learn to work around it. These things take alot of time and effort, trust me I know! Hang in there and get to the air conditioned book store and get your new books and get reading! You can do this. Link to comment
gradle Posted June 27, 2005 Author Share Posted June 27, 2005 hello my favorite ladies! so i went to the bookstore, and i picked up the men and venus on a date book, and it's working out alright...i glanced at the rules, and i agree with some of hte aspects, such as you cannot control what he does, don't change him, etc...these are things i need to accept... i honestly never wanted him to change...i fell in love with him just how he was and didn't want to change him at all... then i just ran some errands and picked up the movie Closer...a little disturbing... and j just called...and it went alright.. a little uncomfortable after the situation last night..he said he was just callign to say hi, but it went alright..i apologized for freaking out last night and he just said, are we ever going to be able to hang out without you freaking out...i said yes...and he said, just don't freak out. but it went ok, we talked about hte beach, and about what i did...i can't say i was the most cheerful person, but i was better than last night! i didn't bring us up at all except to apologize...i'm a little sad b/c i was supposed to go to san fran with him to look out housing, and i guess he's going at the end of july... i was hoping to leave for dc that week, but he told me i should stay until my lease runs out...maybe he just wants me to do that for my benefit..but i'm hoping he just wants me to be around while he is..but hopefully the decision isn't totally up to me so i can't make any dumb decisions based on him. so it went ok...he didn't soudn the happiest to talk to me, but he ended up sounding alright, i can't much blame him after my recent behavior.. Link to comment
Mun Posted June 27, 2005 Share Posted June 27, 2005 Just let him keep coming around. That should be "something " at this point. He is actually behaving better than I'd expect most ex's to behave. I can tell he still respects you a great deal. Take care of YOU. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 27, 2005 Share Posted June 27, 2005 Oh yes, he is doing a lot more than most peoples' exes here are. Yes, it definitely sounds like he respects you a lot. Good - just focus on not freaking out anymore. I freak out too, but I tend to do it internally - or vent to other people, but typically not to my love interest. I know how it feels.... Ok, well, just keep up the good work on being light and friendly when you two talk. If you feel like you're about to freak out, just tell him something in the oven is burning, or someone is at the door, and tell him you'll talk to him later, and hang up. Better that you come on here to vent than to freak out at him. Link to comment
PlayBrat Posted June 27, 2005 Share Posted June 27, 2005 Hey Gradle.... I am with Muneca on this one. J. sounds like he's trying to be patient with you right now...and from what you've told us you have done, I say he has been EXTREMELY patient. Don't get me wrong, believe me...I have been EXACTLY where you are..but believe me when I tell you he is being FAR more forgiving than most people would be. Don't be the one who looks back on this in six months, and says..."I wish I wasn't so stupid, and pushed so hard". I have done that and YES I regret it!! J sounds like a decent guy...so please don't blow this by being selfish right now. Think of J...for NOW. This is so temporary it's not even funny...If you TRULY want J...respect his wishes and back off, as far as you possibly can. Let him come to you. Please please please Gradle....I promise you ..you will be so grateful if you can stick to this. Be strong!!! Link to comment
gradle Posted June 27, 2005 Author Share Posted June 27, 2005 i love you guys! you're so wonderful and right... j really is wonderful...sometimes i think maybe i shoujd just write him an email telling him that its' ok that he needs this space, i want him to have it, i want him to go through the transformations that he's looking so desperately for, even if it means letting go for now...i truly love him, and i hope i can give him what he needs, especially if it needs just backing off for a little while.. i'm just so frightened that this is permanent, that fear is holding me back...i'm foolish sometimes Link to comment
PlayBrat Posted June 27, 2005 Share Posted June 27, 2005 Gradle...don't you think if he DIDN'T love you or care about you he would have be gone LONG ago??? Think about it.... The guy MUST have SOME integrity! As one poster said a few posts ago...many of us would LOVE the opportunity you STILL have with your ex....think about it. You KNOW what to do......we are all rooting for you Link to comment
Mun Posted June 27, 2005 Share Posted June 27, 2005 Don't write him an email....don't tell him you are going to give him his space... JUST DO IT! That is the best way to show him you respect him...give him what he has asked for. ...and keep reading those books! Link to comment
gradle Posted June 27, 2005 Author Share Posted June 27, 2005 yes maam! ok ladies...i get it, finally, i'm getting it.i just have to go through with it now. and truly truly go through with it... Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 27, 2005 Share Posted June 27, 2005 Haha Hi Gradle, It seems I go to bed and the night cheerleaders come in and bring you all the good advice!! I agree with Muneca, and Playbrat, and Annie, Don't crowd J by emailing to tell him you will give him space, it kind of contradicts the principle, don't you think? At least after the way you freaked out, he still called. I gotta say, this guy is either brave or stupid! You have to know though that at some point he is going to get tired of asking and begging you not to bring up the relationship (or "freak out") and walk away......if you don't stop it! Listen to Playbrat.... she pushed too hard and her ex fled! Don't let it happen to you. Self control, my love! It's a wonderful thing! (albeit quite difficult, but you can do it!) Closer.... yeah that's a freaky movie huh?? So, when does your lease run out? I personally think you should go sooner rather than later, so you can get settled and begin your new job and love right away. Plus, having your college friends close by will be a boost that you need right now. Just my 2 cents. Link to comment
fantasia2004 Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 harder to do gradle than say right? Trust me and everyone on this post do it. And make nc! Link to comment
gradle Posted June 28, 2005 Author Share Posted June 28, 2005 hi all...i hear you...but i don't know if nc is really the path i should take now... i think i should just let him initiate most of our conversations/time together. just give him space, and when/if he wants to contact me he will...that's the path i'm trying to work on... that and to control my actions, yes hope, self control is right... i don't know, today has been a little bit tough...but i'm making it through... i am hoping he calls tonight, but i'll make it to tomorrow if he doesn't Link to comment
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