please, i really need help. i love my ex more than anything

[Mun]

Ok before you were bf/gf you must have been friends right? You want him to be comfortable around you and want to spend time with you? Then don't make him feel bad when he does ask for some time. It may not be the amount you want, but it's something. Be his friend...think about his feelings too.

 

If you are not good company he won't want to see you--it's common sense. Would you want to spend time with a friend who keeps making you feel bad (guilty) because in her mind it's never enough?? No... of course not.

 

I hope you can relax a bit and let things happen as they are meant to.

 

You are going to be ok girl.

[fantasia2004]

Whatever happens with you Gradle with you and your ex bf, make sure you stay level headed.

 

Which means keep your head out of the clouds and your feet on the ground.

 

Remain calm at all times.

 

Do not make hasty decisions and and by all means be patient.

 

That is, truthfully so my biggest problem to master.

[Hope75]

Hey Gradle,

 

How's it going?

[gradle]

hi all

thanks for the thoughts and replies....

all is well. i actually just got back from dinner and a movie with j, and it went really well. we both sort of kept our distance, and no drama, which is good. he seems like he's ok, but seems like he's not having that good of a time here. like he wants to get away. he's starting to enjoy the summer a little more, playing softball and volleyball. but seems upset with many of the people here. gets mad that they're all couples (idiot). anyways, i hope cali is good for him.

we saw crash...awesome movie if you haven't seen it.

we didn't talk about us at all. just about what we've been up to, etc.i kept my cool. i gave him a hug at the end of the night, which he was surprised by i think, and then just went upstairs, didn't ask him if he wanted to see our kitties or anything.

but all is well. i think that i'm really starting to accept that it's over for now. i've even been thinking about the cute boy, and maybe making out wiht him? jsut for fun. but i kind of think taht my showing up upset on his doorstep on saturday night was a bad move. but he makes me feel a lot better about things. he helps me momentarily forget about the j situation. so hopefully there's still chance for a fun light make out session.

of course if j were to make out iwht some one first i'd be upset--abnormal to be upset about that? i don't care. i want to be have the next relationship first, and the most fun. i love him and i want him to be well..but i want to be better

but seeing him reminded me that i really do love him, and i hope we can work it out in the future. i didn't tell him any of that of course. but that's what i'm hoping.

[gradle]

i'm a little sad right now b/c i just checked his profile on friendster and he just updated it today and it says he's single...

it's been "in a relationship" until now.

so i'm kind of sad. i guess i knew he would do it at some point. but i'm still a little sad...

well...what can i do?

[gradle]

maybe he' slike this b/c i told him that i've been dating other people? he seemed a little mad when he asked me who i was with and i just mentioned guys....but it's true. i don't really know any girls here...the only one i knew was the one he was getting information about me from..so i'm not just gonig to hang out wiht her anymore...

ugh. i should just stop thinking about it

[Liquidius]

So, he dumped you. Why should he care about who you're seeing? He should kinda expect it. I have the same problem with my ex lol

[annie24]

Well, maybe J might be a bit jealous, but ultimately, he's still broken up with you. Well, you see he changed his friendster message... he's trying to move on also. It's ok - you'll have so much fun in DC when you move there.... you'll have plenty of fun.

[gradle]

oh no, i'm not saying anythign but i'm sad. i'm not saying he wants to get back together or anything. or that i'm even tryign to make him jealous. i'm just saying saying that i'm sad. that's normal right?

i just hope everything is ok for him in cali. he's so nervous about it. about going there and not really knowing anyone. i told him i might come in and visit my brother and him and some of my friends there...that way he can meet new people? bad thing to tell him?

he said when he's in dc he would come visit me too.

i'm just sad cause i love him. but htat's normal too, right? even if i'm trying to be okay with everything?

[Hope75]

Hi Gradle,

 

Yes it's normal that you are sad. Maybe seeing J's profile makes it really hit home that you aren't a couple anymore and that each of you are free to see other people if you want to. Try to remember it's not a race. You don't have to be the one to "make out" before he does, or see someone before he does. Each of you should move at your own pace... whatever makes you feel comfortable.

 

 

I think part of your grief is acceptance, that it is over. I know it's a hard step to take, but I think it's a good step and proves that you are smart and strong, and that you now know that you can and are in fact, living without him.

 

I'm proud of you for showing restraint when you went out with J to see the movie, well done!

 

Now, you mention showing up at a guy's house Sat night? Was that J, or this other guy?

 

When does J leave, and when do you leave? ( I always forget!!)

[gradle]

Hi hope,

How are you today?

I think you're right….it did hit home that we were both single. At least he didn't put "Looking for dating women" on his profile. That would have hurt a lot. Part of me wishes that I had taken the initiative and gone ahead and done it first. He changed his profile the day I went over there to tell him that I was going to respect his wishes and leave him alone.

 

I was talking about my guy friend, when I went over to his house on Saturday after I was upset with j….i felt like maybe I ruined any chances I had with him. He was so sweet. Talked to me about it a little bit….watched some episodes of sex & the city…and put me to bed, with a big kiss on the forehead…I just wish I could make out with him…no relationship…he actually went through something really similar about a year ago…and I know he's avoiding any relationships too. But I like being around him. He helps me to forget about j.

 

I think j was sad he didn't get to come up to my place last night and see the kitties before we went to dinner..but oh well..

 

I was sad this morning cause verizon has this new voice mail characteristic in which it takes forever to get to your new messages. And over the past couple of years I had managed to save several of j's messages…those in which he sang to me, or the really sweet ones….he would always start them with " hi darling/beautiful, it's your loving boyfriend…"

 

Anyways, the point is that I don't want to listen to them, and I don't want to delete them..

I wish I could save them and stick them in a memory box somewhere or something, you know? But I had to go through all of them this morning to get my new messages, and it was a little bit painful…

I think I've hit a point though, that I'm a little bit numb….i don't think I can/have the energy to get extremely upset anymore…

 

As far as when we are both leaving…neither of us really knows…mid august for both of us looks like the best guess…but no set dates. I'm hoping I get to leave first. Just to escape first.

 

Also, my brother and my friend were supposed to come into town this weekend, but I guess they couldn't work it out. So I'm a little down about that too.

 

Anyways, that's my news.

[Hope75]

HI Gradle,

 

I'm sorry your brother couldn't make it, that's a bummer. Is he older or younger, and where doe he live?

 

I know what you mean about the messages. I've saved cards and notes from my bf and when we were apart I would sometimes take them out and read them, it always gave me a good cry. I've done it with past bf's too, and there will come a time when you will feel ready to delete them.

 

I don't think right now this is about J meeting anyone new. Just like he told you, he wants time to be single. If he meets someone by surprise (or you do, for that matter) that could change, but I really think he is telling you the truth, that he just wants space and time for himself. He's smart to do so. He'll have enough worries when he moves to Cali on his own.

 

Ah, the guy friend. Well, he watched "Sex and the City" with you, so he gets points in my book already! Sounds like he is a gentleman, and if went through something similar, you can definitely relate to each other. Maybe in him you have a good friend.

 

You will get through this, Gradle. Before you know it, you will be on your way to DC, and a new and exciting life, with your college friends all around you!

 

PS- I am good, thanks for asking!

[PlayBrat]

Hey there Gradle..been reading your updates. I know you're sad, but in a way isn't it good to FINALLY have some kind of closure? I think you feel numb because you were in such limbo for a while. You went through practically every emotion there is in that stage. You were hurt, angry, hopeful, depressed, Happy..etc. jeeze it's no wonder you're numb...your body is readjusting itself. Whatever you do...be good to yourself.

Teat yourself as if you've been injured..because you have. Your heart is hurt. I have been where you are. You went through all of these stages in such a short period of time....so perhaps the recovery will be a little easier on you.

I hope you will keep us updated , even after you move to DC...it will be good to hear how your transition is going. I think you're going to do awesome ((Hugs)))

[gradle]

thanks playbrat, thanks hope

all is ok on my front....i'm determined to make out with the sex and the city guy though...he's super cute and i think it will help me....only problem is that he totally knows that im not over j yet, so i would understand if he doesn't want to do anything...but i don't want a relationship, and i know he doesn't want one, i just want like an innocent (very innocent) cuddle buddy every once in a while..

but more news...j called me tonight...and we talked for like 20 minutes about stuff...not relationship stuff or anything, just stuff...and it was nice, jsut to catch up wiht him..

at the end of the conversation he said he just called to say he had a nice time last night...it was a little awkward, a little more datish than i'm used to, and way more datish than i expected from him, considering i didn't even consider it a date!....you know, we just did the college dating scene...hardly any real dates in the beginning you know? just go out ot hte bars with your friends, etc. and then when you're comfortable with that person you start going out to more dinners, etc

part of me is worried, b/c i know he's never really been out in the dating scene...is it logical to think he might be practicing dating on me? so when he goes out to san fran he'll know how to act? is that a stupid thought? it's just weird, he has always been one to hate "dates" and stuff like that ..i've been on a few real dates, after my other ex cheated on me i dated like crazy for a few months....but j's never done anything like that before...we used ot look at couples and think about how uncomfortable they looked

but to answer your question hope, my big brother lives in san francisco, which is where j is moving to, and i have a few friends that live there too, which is why i told him i'd visit him when i came out to visit them...

and j's job is based out of dc, which is why he'll be going back there in a year...

ugh, i think i'm being stupid and paranoid...it was really nice talking to him again...almost so nice to make me stop wanting to make out wiht sex and the city boy...almost....(i do remember j dumped me, so i think i deserve a nice make out session with someone that i'm interested in)

[annie24]

Oh honey, don't worry - Most guys will be ESPECIALLY happy to make out with you if you aren't looking for a relationship I'm sure that he'd be happy to be your "transitional guy."

 

As for the "date", that's a good sign. I know it's hard, try not to read too much into it. I don't think he's "practicing", I think he's just trying to show good manners. Enjoy it! (But, chances are... he will probably try to start dating when he moves to SF, so try to prepare yourself mentally for that.)

[gradle]

ugh, i realize i'm ready to make out with someone, but i don't think i'm ready for him to makeout/date someone else...yes, selfish adn silly, i know...i think it will just take time. i'm happy he feels as if he can talk to me though...that's a step...i think..

[SadnConfused]

please check out my post in break ups. It is called What am I supposed to do. I could use any and all of your help (all of you that responded to gradle. Gradle, i would like to see what you think about my situation also. You totaly remind me of a female version of me! Same stuff has been going on.....

[SadnConfused]

oops it is in getting back together.

[Hope75]

Good morning Gradle,

 

How are you doing today?

 

Don't worry if you are not ready to make out with the 'sex and the city' guy! (does he have an initial? ) Remember, it's not a race. It should be when you feel comfortable.

 

I also don't think J is 'practicing' on you to learn how to date. I think, as Annie said, he was just being polite, and he enjoyed the time he spent together with you the other night.

 

Try not to over analyze this, OK?

 

It sounds like you are doing really well right now, Gradle! I, for one, am proud of you. You've spoken with J several times and kept yourself in check and I think that's a very big step for you! (*pats Gradle on back*)

 

So, will you live in an apt in DC and then begin to shop for a condo when you are down there?

[gradle]

Hi hope J,

I'm ok today, thanks for asking J…sad to hear about the London tragedy…a little bit worried about my family there…but I'm sure they are ok…I have to believe that ….

Otherwise I'm ok…sad about j still…he hasn't been on AIM all night…but he called me around 9:30 last night and told me he'd be doing research all night…

As far as S&C guy, let's call him C….

I totally am up for making out with him…but I'm scared to lose the few friends that I have, and it's been so long since I just made out with someone…silly huh? I feel like I'm in high school again…and I'm scared b/c I don't want anything to get too serious…I just don't want things to be awkward b/t us…

Geez, I feel like I'm in highschool…

But it's been 6 weeks since I've kissed anyone…and I know that that's not that long really…but it feels like forever…

I know this is silly and childish talk…it's been so gray in boston the last couple of days.

J's sister is coming up next week. He still hasn't told his family that we're broken up yet, and I don't really want them to know..i'm sad cause I probably won't get to see her, and I'm sure she'll figure it out. I guess she was just laid off from work (she was a music teacher) so I hope she's ok.

As far as dc, I think I'm going to try and sublet a place, for about 6 months if I can, while I look for a condo. Still don't know when exactly I'll be there, and that's getting frustrating…knowing that I have to find a place and move…still don't know exactly which office I'll be working in, which adds even more to the frustration…

It's just a gray confusing day, you know?

But, I did make cookies for C and my other friends, and I was going to stop by and drop them off today…just as a thank you to them for being so wonderful to me these past few weeks….

[Hope75]

HI Gradle,,

 

I understand how depressing the weather has been. I just forced myself to take my dog for a long walk, just so we could get some fresh and and move around!

 

and with the London tragedy... it seems appropriate that it's so gray out....

 

So, why hasn't J told his family about the breakup yet? Is he one of those guys who doens't want to hear about it from his family? How will he expain it to his sister when she comes? My guess is he will tell her then.

 

It's tough when you get attached to his family, and then you break it, isn't it?

 

I think it's cute that you made cookies for C and friends...it's a nice gesture, and hey, if you made cookies, he'll definitely make out with you!

 

You are doing well, Gradle, give yourself some credit OK? You really seem to be letting it sink it that it's over.

[gradle]

I know I'm doing better…just really sad. Part of me thinks I was subconsciously trying to sabotage any chance at the relationship, which is why I was acting like a nut…I don't know why, complicated? Maybe I just didn't think he and I would make it another year apart? Sounds weird huh? I know how much in love with him I am, but maybe I really didn't want to be in a relationship? I just really want him in my life? Weird. I honestly think I could have made it work if I had behaved better….

But I'm still just so sad. And heartbroken. But I remember during the last month of our relationship thinking maybe I should break it off, and that's probably why he was acting so odd…to try and get me to break it off….but it was just this weird sort of thing. Like he was trying to act so mean…and he would succeed at some points….but then we would be together and having fun and as much as he didn't want to show he was having a good time, he would be regardless.. and I would think everything was ok again.

Its' like I love him so much, and I want to be with him, but I just want things to be better, and at the same time I want to be on my own, but I don't want him to be with anyone else. Stupid and selfish.

So when I think about j, I'm in this constant state of confusion. My feelings are up in the air. I mean I know I love him, and I know I want him in my life, and if he were to come back to me now, I probably would take him back with conditions….and I know he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with…but maybe just not my right now?

Am I stupid and crazy? I know I could have put my dc job on hold for a year and have gone to San Fran…but I had chosen not to….but I could have to be with him..but that would have been me depending on him….and I wouldn't have gotten over letting myself do that, and I know he would have been disappointed in me doing that…I know he really loves me, I can tell…maybe we're just not mature enough yet?

[Echo]

Hi I have been reading this long thread, and not to be rude, but since it seems to be just Hope and Gradle talking to each other, wouldn't it make more sense to just PM each other?

[Hope75]

Echo, this thread is open to all, and there have been quite a few people replaying to Gradle's situation, including Annie24, Playbrat, Muneca & others.

 

If you don't feel like you want to add anything to it, you don't have to to, but I think if Gradle posts her thoughts and feelings for all to read, she gets more feedback and support this way.

 

Gradle,

 

It sounds like you might be ready for some time on your own. You've been in a relationship for quite some time and it might be nice to put yourself first for awhile, esp. with your move coming up. It would have been hard to juggle an unstable long distance relationship, while starting a new job and a new life hundreds of miles away.

 

Either way, you & J will find your way, together or apart.

 

You will be OK.

[bluetrap]

I agree with Hope, Echo. I may not be chiming in here, but I am in a very similar situation to Gradle, and the comforting words that everyone says to her, I imagine them saying to me also.

 

Please don't stop posting on the open forum! I log in everyday to see how Gradle is doing and all about "J" calling, and get a lot of inspiration from Hope's struggle and success. Makes me realize that everything WILL be OK ... I just have to have faith.