Should my girlfriend’s friend have to help pay for a trip my girlfriend invited her on?

[ladyeagle04]

My girlfriend and I are currently long distance with plans to move in together soon. I finished college last year and started my first full time job in January. She just finished this May and has been looking for jobs near me. She’s supposed to be coming out in a week for 2 interviews. I’m a little more financially stable than she is currently so I told her I would cover the hotel since she’s coming out here for me and so she could focus on the interviews without stressing about money.

She hates driving alone so she planned to bring her friend as a riding buddy. This is only the second trip she’s made out here, I usually make all the trips to her, and she brought a friend last time too. A little annoying, but I’m not going to make a super big deal if it helps with her driving anxiety. I was kind of mad though when she told me that she told her friend not to worry about helping pay for it. She has a bad habit of helping friends when she doesn’t necessarily have the money to do so and it really frustrates me. The last trip she made, she said she was going to make our friend pay, but then they didn’t save enough money for the whole trip so my girlfriend and I ended up covering them for the rest of it. So when she told me, that she told this friend not to worry about helping, I got pretty mad and she doesn’t understand why.

Her argument is that I was going to help pay for the hotel if it was just her coming and the price isn’t different with her friend coming so she doesn’t get what the big deal is. She also said she feels bad about asking them to help when she was the one that asked them to come. 

My argument is that she basically gave her friend a free vacation the last time around while also taking away any privacy we would’ve had and she ended up unexpectedly forking out more money than planned. I don’t think it’s unfair to ask her friend to help out a little since it’s basically a vacation for her. Not only that, and this is the funniest part, the roles were reversed just a couple weeks ago. My girlfriend went with her friend on a trip out of town while her friend was looking for jobs and my girlfriend paid for half the hotel, gas, and food. So the whole, “I asked her to come with me” argument is irrelevant because when it was reversed and her friend was the one asking her to come along, my girlfriend still helped pay.

She’s a pushover and I know that. I get what she’s saying about it being the same price either way, and I have more than enough to cover it, but I still feel like it’s courtesy for her friend to help since my girlfriend paid her own way when they went. I just get tired of her paying for all this stuff and expecting nothing of her friends. And I’m tired of these “friends” taking advantage.

[Batya33]

Stay out of it since it's not affecting you financially -you're looking at this in a totally practical/logical way -she's not.  She's factoring in her needing a friend along and probably feeling badly about her anxiety.  She's moving for you and also interviewing for jobs.  Please keep that in mind!

[DancingFool]

So in addition to imposing on her friend's time and using them as emotional support, you also want this friend to pay for the trip costs to boot? Can you be more greedy?

You really seriously have this backwards OP. You should be thankful she has at least one friend willing to help her. The least you can do is cover their expenses. Actually, you should take them out to dinner as a thank you for their help. 

I'm truly shaking my head at your attitude.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, ladyeagle04 said:

I’m a little more financially stable than she is currently so I told her I would cover the hotel

Just to clarify - is she coming to the city where you live? If so, is there a reason she isn't staying with you during this time rather than in a hotel?

6 hours ago, ladyeagle04 said:

My argument is that she basically gave her friend a free vacation the last time around while also taking away any privacy we would’ve had

So her friend was hanging around the whole time she visited you? Didn't occupy themselves at all so you two could have some alone time? I find this bizarre, I have to say. How old are you both?

In any event, the boundaries she establishes with her friends are not your battle to fight. That's up to her. It sounds to me like you're actually less upset about the money issue, and more upset that you again won't have alone time with her. Is that a more accurate reflection of what's really bugging you?

[Debsterism]

The friend should not expect to be fed and entertained on your friend's dime. She got a ride and a hotel out of it - that's the extent of the generosity. She really ought to have enough sense to know that. Treating her here and there to a drink, lunch, a bagel and coffee might be alright. But not EVERYTHING. As an adult that is ridiculous to expect someone to do if you aren't dating or married to them. 

[Wiseman2]

Have a feeling this LDR is never going to become anything.

You don't even live in the same area and already you're bickering.

You're not compatible. LDRs occlude a lot of that.

But now you are already seeing why this will never work.

Hopefully she'll go back home, you two can reflect on what a debacle this whole thing is and make the choice to go your own ways.

[MissCanuck]

29 minutes ago, Debsterism said:

The friend should not expect to be fed and entertained on your friend's dime. 

I agree, but it appears OP's girlfriend doesn't feel this way. She seems to be fine with this and in fact offered it to her. 

Not a lot OP can do when his girlfriend is giving charity trips away to her buds. 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Debsterism said:

The friend should not expect to be fed and entertained on your friend's dime. She got a ride and a hotel out of it - that's the extent of the generosity. She really ought to have enough sense to know that. Treating her here and there to a drink, lunch, a bagel and coffee might be alright. But not EVERYTHING. As an adult that is ridiculous to expect someone to do if you aren't dating or married to them. 

Oh so I read it as -should she chip in for the hotel/gas?  No.  Should she pay her own way for her own food when she's there - yes and like someone else said he should take them both to dinner.  

[melancholy123]

I don't get your hostility with this.  It's not your business in regards to how the gf and her friend set up their road trip.  It's not affecting you.  Why do you care?  If it was costing you money I could see it, but it's not.

Maybe look at it that the money your gf pays for the friend's food is the price she pays for companionship on the road.

[Rose Mosse]

You seem frustrated that your gf is a pushover and the lack of privacy having the friend around which is understandable but unfortunate. Both of you seem incompatible in the long run. I don't think you're wrong to be annoyed. Both of you are operating at totally different levels.

These things add up over time so don't ignore it if you're finding yourself a bit impatient or not seeing eye to eye with someone. It means that you both aren't cut out for each other. 

If you want someone more independent/assertive, this woman isn't for you. 

Dating is the time where you have a window into someone's life and how they interact with others and a person's habits, quirks and other character traits. I don't advise you to just swallow this and get used to it if this is not what you find attractive in a partner. 

[Tinydance]

So you don't have your own place? Is that why your girlfriend has to stay at a hotel and not with you? I'm just confused why she has to actually stay at a hotel and can't stay where you live?

Well, the way I see it is people might organise these in different ways. For example, let's say I'm going on a trip and I already booked a hotel room and I was going to drive there. Let's say it's just an interstate trip. I was already going to pay for petrol/gas myself and already paid for the hotel. If I decide it's too lonely to go on a trip alone and ask a friend to come with me, it would be nice if they offered to chip in, but in my opinion it's not 100% mandatory. If they don't offer to pay then I probably wouldn't actually ask.

Of course the rest of the trip they'd have to pay for themselves because they did agree to go on the trip. They could have declined to go so I wasn't forcing them. So that doesn't mean I'll be paying for anything else apart from what I was going to pay of I went alone. E.g. If they eat from the hotel room mini bar or order room service, they need to pay for that themselves.

I don't think you can really tell your girlfriend how to be in a friendship or how to organise her trip. Unless her friend was abusive in some way or treated her badly, her friendship is her business. If you're annoyed that you're paying for the hotel room but now the friend is freeloading as well, then unfortunately your only option really is to say you won't pay for it and then they can pay for it. You can't really say you'll cover only your girlfriend's half of the room price and the friend has to pay the rest. Because while you may not see it that way, but in a sense her friend is doing your girlfriend a favour. Yes she does get a trip out of it but her girlfriend asked her to go because she doesn't want to go alone, so it's for her benefit.

Also if the friend hangs around too much then I would say that's because your girlfriend wants her to. Your girlfriend could just say to her upfront that she needs alone time with you and ask the friend to at least sometimes go and do her own thing. If your girlfriend is a pushover and doesn't say what she wants then that's actually not the friend's fault.

So if your girlfriend is moving to you soon, where will you live? You don't seem to have your own place so what is the plan?

Also if there are things that really grate on your nerves about your girlfriend and her friends, guess what? That's not going to go away. This is who your girlfriend is and how she rolls in her friendships. People don't really change. You have no control over her personality, her choices or her friendships. And if you try to get control by telling her what to do, it's a bad look. If you don't like it to a large extent, your best choice might be to end the relationship. Otherwise you can't do much except accept this is who your girlfriend is and what happens with her and her friends. Nobody likes a control freak so you don't really have a whole lot of say in this.

 

[melancholy123]

Good points TinyDance.  However, the cost of the hotel room is genrally for the room itself, not the number of people in it unless it's a large number.  Two people in a room generally does not affect the cost of said room as it is usual for 2 to share a room.  So the friend would have no bearing on the price of the room.

I think a few details from the OP about these things that have been brought up would be helpful.