Deciding between new girl or ex

[rndguy90]

I dated my ex(31F) for over 5 years. Things were great for the first 3 and then I noticed she slowly started backing off more and focusing on her and her career without our future in mind. She would leave to go to school across country at around our 4 year mark. Once she left, we made long distance work, but I noticed she slowly started backing off and going out more doing her own thing. It got to the point where she broke up with me because she didn't feel like she could focus on school and be in a long distance relationship, it was too much pressure on her. I will also note that she probably broke up with me about 5 other times prior because of stress issues, such as freaking out over a final and needing space. These break ups lasted for about a day to a week. We broke up over 2 years ago, but each time she would come back home for her summer or winter break we would end up hanging out again and then she would back off as soon as she went back home. It got to the point where I felt like she was using me for her free time so she wouldn't be alone when she was home.

About 5 months ago, I met this new girl(26F) who I started to hang out with. We hit it off pretty quick and slowly started to hang out more. She is pretty much the opposite of my ex. She is a much more caring person, who on countless times, has gone out of her way to show she cares about me. We get along really well and I have already met her whole family and get along with them. The thing that she is missing for me is that she is less motivated and she also doesn't talk much about how she is feeling. She keeps avoiding finding a career and to start making a living and she also doesn't seem to want to talk about anything real unless I bring it up. 

Well about a month ago my ex decided to try coming back into the picture. At first I was just ignoring everything, but then I broke and decided to respond. She keeps telling me that she has grown up and how sorry she was about everything. It brought feelings back that I had thought I left behind. Maybe it was just memories from the past, but it started to make me think. She just left for school again across country and will be gone for at least another year, if not two, but she wants to try and work it out again. I don't know if I can trust her, but it's the past that keeps me thinking "what if."

On one side I have this girl who is very caring, someone I trust, enjoy spending time with, but isn't as mature or future oriented. On the other hand, I have my ex who pushed me to be a better person, is mature and thinks about her future with similar life goals, is a good person, but have a rocky history with, more of an emotional rollercoaster, and still don't know if I trust her. I think what else makes it difficult is that with my ex, I also saw her as a best friend and with the new girl I don't know if I've had the time, or maybe even given her the chance to reach that point with me. What are your thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

Woman # 3, who you haven't  met yet.

Not the security blanket rollercoaster on/off ex or the rebound you have no respect for.

[LaHermes]

5 minutes ago, rndguy90 said:

The thing that she is missing for me is that she is less motivated and she also doesn't talk much about how she is feeling. She keeps avoiding finding a career and to start making a living and she also doesn't seem to want to talk about anything real unless I bring it up. 

OP. Think long and hard about this one.  I suppose deep inside you know the answer.

Who is keeping this girl if she isn't working?  And what's her reason (if any) for not wanting a career?

AS for your ex. My advice: leave the past where it is.  In the past. 

Or as a friend of ours often says: The photo is never the same second time round. 

 

[rndguy90]

@LaHermes The logical side, which is the side I have been trying to listen to, agrees with the ex. 

As far as the new girl not working or wanting a career. Her family helps her out and she is working, she is just coaching, which isn't the most financially stable job in the world. She mentioned she wanted to become a teacher, and I supported her with that thought, but then said she doesn't know if she wants to. Her thought is that there's so many things she wants to do that she has trouble picking one, which I don't really agree with. I think I'll have to talk to her about this.

[LaHermes]

Yes, you do indeed, OP. She may well avoid want to discuss this "real stuff with you. 

2 minutes ago, rndguy90 said:

Her thought is that there's so many things she wants to do that she has trouble picking one, which I don't really agree with

For someone aged 26 this is concerning.  If she were 18 one might understand this thinking.

Does she have difficulty in concentrating, in general.  Is there some underlying issue here?

 

[rndguy90]

@LaHermes Yeah I am thinking she may try to change the topic, but it's worth a try. This has been pretty much my main concern with her or I would've already taken things further. 

She understands that she needs to do something to make a living, but seems to be avoiding it. She used covid as an excuse for not looking, but that doesn't really work anymore. She started applying to places to try and teach and actually got a job, but now doesn't know if she wants it. Since I am the opposite when it comes to that and already started my career by that time, it is a bit concerning.

I don't know about an underlying issue, but she does have a way of having her brain go all over the place when she thinks.

[MissCanuck]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Woman # 3, who you haven't  met yet.

Not the security blanket rollercoaster on/off ex or the rebound you have no respect for.

My thoughts exactly. 

I don't think either of these women is right for you. 

[LaHermes]

6 minutes ago, rndguy90 said:

but she does have a way of having her brain go all over the place when she thinks.

And you don't find this rather odd, OP?  No wonder she can't/won't work. If she can't "think" (concentrate) then she needs to address that particular issue.  It is more than just "concerning".

Has she got teaching qualifications? Teacher training?Anyhow I feel that you know the answer deep down.

And this is not about deciding betwen "new girl" and "ex". 

As others have said: Neither.

You will find someone who is more compatible. 

 

[rndguy90]

@MissCanuck @Wiseman2 This is something I have also been thinking about

[DancingFool]

5 minutes ago, rndguy90 said:

@LaHermes Yeah I am thinking she may try to change the topic, but it's worth a try. This has been pretty much my main concern with her or I would've already taken things further. 

She understands that she needs to do something to make a living, but seems to be avoiding it. She used covid as an excuse for not looking, but that doesn't really work anymore. She started applying to places to try and teach and actually got a job, but now doesn't know if she wants it. Since I am the opposite when it comes to that and already started my career by that time, it is a bit concerning.

I don't know about an underlying issue, but she does have a way of having her brain go all over the place when she thinks.

Please stop trying to parent her. Either you like exactly as she is or you don't and need to walk away and find someone who is more compatible to you.

Trying to change and parent another adult is a colossal mistake that leads to a lot of problems and heartache, OP. It's quite toxic thinking on your part. While people may come into your life who inspire you to grow, it is your own journey exclusively and not something someone else is responsible for. Please understand the difference between inspiring and parenting. When you actively have to tell someone how to be, you are parenting them. When someone doesn't live up to your expectations and you try to direct them to be different so they can live up to those expectations, you are parenting them.

[SooSad33]

31 minutes ago, rndguy90 said:

Once she left, we made long distance work, but I noticed she slowly started backing off and going out more doing her own thing. It got to the point where she broke up with me because she didn't feel like she could focus on school and be in a long distance relationship, it was too much pressure on her. I will also note that she probably broke up with me about 5 other times prior because of stress issues, such as freaking out over a final and needing space. These break ups lasted for about a day to a week. We broke up over 2 years ago, but each time she would come back home for her summer or winter break we would end up hanging out again

Okay, so she's been using you as her 'go to', for some entertainment.. and you accepted this?

 

33 minutes ago, rndguy90 said:

We hit it off pretty quick and slowly started to hang out more. She is pretty much the opposite of my ex. She is a much more caring person, who on countless times, has gone out of her way to show she cares about me. We get along really well and I have already met her whole family and get along with them. The thing that she is missing for me is that she is less motivated and she also doesn't talk much about how she is feeling.

So, you are now 'comparing' this one to your ex...

 

34 minutes ago, rndguy90 said:

Well about a month ago my ex decided to try coming back into the picture. At first I was just ignoring everything, but then I broke and decided to respond. She keeps telling me that she has grown up and how sorry she was about everything. It brought feelings back that I had thought I left behind. Maybe it was just memories from the past, but it started to make me think

How 'selfish' she is? 😕 

 

35 minutes ago, rndguy90 said:

On one side I have this girl who is very caring, someone I trust, enjoy spending time with, but isn't as mature or future oriented.

Well, clearly you are NOT as into this one, as you  should be.  Then, don't lead her on anymore...

IF you are still curious about your EX, then let this poor girl go!

Unless or until you ARE ready to get rid of this 'user', you'll continue to be at her back & call.

Maybe is best if you just get away, on your own.  Not be involved at all, so you can figure yourself out?

 

[rndguy90]

@DancingFool Very good way of putting it. I've been letting her figure things out on her own and only giving my opinion when asked for it. She has to come to her own conclusion though, I really don't want to be the parent here or make her feel pressured to do something she doesn't want. That's what happened to me in the last relationship and I remember resenting her for it.

[LaHermes]

23 minutes ago, rndguy90 said:

She started applying to places to try and teach and actually got a job, but now doesn't know if she wants it.

From what you say I don't think she is capable of coming to any conclusion, about anything, with you or with anyone else. It sounds like she doesn't even know who she is, at 26.

She doesn't even want to talk about anything "real" with you (I presume you mean here profound issues of whatever nature).

So, what drew you to this person, OP?

 

[rndguy90]

@LaHermes It's mainly that she doesn't bring up anything real, or at least have a conversation about it. She will vent, but that's not really the same thing.  

Her caring nature is more what drew me to her. We have a lot of similarities, get along really well, funny. Really everything about her as a person besides her maturity level. In most aspects she is mature, it's mainly when it comes to the future, I feel like she tries to avoid putting thought into that. 

[DancingFool]

6 minutes ago, rndguy90 said:

@LaHermes It's mainly that she doesn't bring up anything real, or at least have a conversation about it. She will vent, but that's not really the same thing.  

Her caring nature is more what drew me to her. We have a lot of similarities, get along really well, funny. Really everything about her as a person besides her maturity level. In most aspects she is mature, it's mainly when it comes to the future, I feel like she tries to avoid putting thought into that. 

In other words, she'd do well in the kind of a relationship where she is a stay at home mom and the husband takes care of all the living things - money, bills, etc. Nothing wrong with that so long as this is the kind of a relationship dynamic that you want.

If you are looking for a more equal partner who can pull her weight financially, have a stable job and contribute to a financial future with you, this woman is not it. 

I think you are over complicating things when you already know the answer - she is not the right match and you need to let her go because if you don't, you'll grow to resent her and lose all respect for her over time despite her other qualities.

[rndguy90]

@DancingFool That stay at home mom thought was actually the exact thing I have been thinking/worrying about. I agree that there is nothing wrong with that for some, but I don't really see myself wanting that for my future

[Andrina]

Thinking of myself and others I've known, our work ethics stayed pretty much the same as when we were teens. Often, if it was a high work ethic, that translated into adult years. If it sucked, that trait didn't change either. Just something I've observed, although of course I'm sure there are exceptions.

You've been in a romantic relationship during so much of your youth. How about finding out who you are as a single person for a while? Not doing so is having you unable to learn about dating wisely, as in as soon as you see a dealbreaker, let the person go. You were treated as a yo-yo by the first one, and you're still willing to risk being used as a toy. You're settling with the second one. She doesn't share your work ethics.

Find a fulfilling life without being in a romance for a while. If you do that, you'll probably be less likely to settle, since you will want a woman to share in your happiness, not be the sole source of it, which might be the case with the way you're behaving. 

 

[rndguy90]

@Andrina I can definitely see that being the case for most, but personally I was definitely on the lazier side through my teen years and cared more about sports and having fun. That changed overtime though after getting my first degree, which was an easy one that led to a bad job and then led me to quitting and starting my education over for a better one.

For her it almost seems to be the opposite. Worked really hard, wanted to be a nurse, got her masters by 22 and then once she was actually a half a step away from becoming one decided it wasn't for her and now struggles to figure out what it is she actually wants.

Again though, I do agree with you and the other posters about potentially stepping back and thinking about myself and what it is that I want.

[LaHermes]

13 minutes ago, rndguy90 said:

but I don't really see myself wanting that for my future

Nothing much more to be said then, is there OP?

IMO even as a SAHM she would still, for her own sake, need to deal with household stuff, like bills and utilities.

I am reminded of a friend of mine with whom I was driving one day and she said: Got to call into X for a few minutes.  This X was a widow, and all their married life her husband had dealt with bills, finances, utilities the lot. She didn't know how to go about paying even an electricity bill! My friend was, when she had time, giving her some tutoring in how to do such (simple) things. What a terrible thing to infantilise a wife to that extent.

Fully agree with you Andrina.

"Find a fulfilling life without being in a romance for a while. If you do that, you'll probably be less likely to settle, since you will want a woman to share in your happiness, not be the sole source of it, which might be the case with the way you're behaving. 

"

[dias]

5 minutes ago, rndguy90 said:

Worked really hard, wanted to be a nurse, got her masters by 22 

Based on that, she can be quite determined when she wants it. Actually it seems she is above average.  

She hasn't found what she wants yet, this is another subject. It doesn't mean she has no aspirations. 

[rndguy90]

@dias That's the thing, if anything she is a more determined person than I am, but then when it came to actually getting the job it stopped and gave her anxiety. She says she doesn't want to be stuck to one thing because she wants to do so many things. I just don't know when she'll decide to actually pull the trigger and start something, if that makes sense.

[LaHermes]

2 minutes ago, rndguy90 said:

She says she doesn't want to be stuck to one thing because she wants to do so many things.

As in....? (many things).

Being intellectually fit to do studies and get exams does not mean being fit for life/living. 

And if she has anxiety, that's another issue. Anxiety can be crippling. 

[dias]

1 minute ago, rndguy90 said:

@dias That's the thing, if anything she is a more determined person than I am, but then when it came to actually getting the job it stopped and gave her anxiety. She says she doesn't want to be stuck to one thing because she wants to do so many things. I just don't know when she'll decide to actually pull the trigger and start something, if that makes sense.

It seems it's bothering you a lot so it's better to break up. It would be better for her too, she needs to find her own path. 

Don't rush to judge though, she might surprise you when you see her again a few years later. It seems she has potential (which is not so common) but needs to overcome some of her issues like anxiety etc 

[boltnrun]

I don't have a career. I have a good paying job that I enjoy but I never wanted a career.  Didn't finish college either. I have always worked except for a couple of years after the kids were born. I like to work and have been told I have an excellent work ethic (just got told so in a review with my manager).

Are you OK with a woman who has a job rather than a career? Or do you prefer a career woman?

[rndguy90]

@boltnrun I guess it would depend on the job. If you are able to make a living off of it, then I would say I have no problem with a job. The line between career and job can get really blurry though.