How do I move on from this girl that I really like?

[That36guy]

55 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Come on OP.  Lol. Stop being obtuse. Why are you not answering about the reasons for your desperate fear of rejection?

The mall is definitely not the real world Lol. It's where teenagers hang out in groups, loitering around, buying nothing  and staring at people (girls usually). 

As Bolt remarked in an earleir post:

"You said that's why you lost out on this girl you "really liked", because you were too intimidated or shy or unsure of yourself to talk to her or ask her for a date ("make a 'move'"). So how would cold approaching a girl at the mall work better?"

"What I had in mind, as other posters have said repeatedly, is the adult world, join activities, clubs, outdoor pursuits, meet REAL people, not animations on a screen. 

I want to know  and you are not telling what EXACTLY are you scared of.  You said rejection at some point. So what is so darned scary about rejection, it can't kill you, and rejection is part and parcel of life. 

Why is life so problematic for you, OP?  What happened, do you think, that has made (at age 25) it so difficult to strike up a relationship with a girl/woman.

Smackie said this a few days ago:

"Struggling/lack of confidence is girl repellent. They can sense it, and it can creep them out so step it up man."

Forget the girl who came into the store.  Anyhow you never spoke to her. But, I am intrigued, what is it about her exactly that it has to be her and no other?

This girl who came into the store was the closest I've ever gotten to actually being with a girl. As I mentioned before, there'd be times when she'd stop by to talk to me and in those times I really came close to asking her on a date, but then I got anxious and held back from doing so. She was right there in the palm of my hand and she slipped away.

I've never actually asked out a girl in person before and I just don't know how I'd react to rejection.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, That36guy said:

I've never actually asked out a girl in person before and I just don't know how I'd react to rejection.

Get used to it. Otherwise you won't take a chance. You'll never get a date hiding.

Also this cold approach of hanging out in malls is a surefire way to hear "buzz off".

You need to get involved in activities that involve/interest women and build some rapport.

Start slow. Ask for a low key coffee, not a date.

[LaHermes]

30 minutes ago, That36guy said:

I've never actually asked out a girl in person before and I just don't know how I'd react to rejection.

Right. Well unless you try you won't know, will you?  Are you scared that "rejection" would throw you into a spin, make you throw a tantrum, scream and shout. 

Give it a go, OP. You have to start sometime. 

Next time you see a girl stare at you, I mean if she stares a lot, well, just smile back give a nod. 

Never, ever stare gloomily and owlishly at any girl. It is most off-putting. 

 

[Tinydance]

Well, if you'd never asked a girl out before, I get it, it's scary. Although I do wonder how much you actually liked her as a person versus how much you liked the attention and the fact that she kept coming into the store. I understand you were nervous but this went on for months and you also know her friend. These days we have texting and social media. So even if you were shy to ask her out in person, surely you could have added her to social media or something like that?

Secondly, sorry but I don't really buy it that this woman was too scared to ask you out herself. If she came into the store for months to get you to ask her out then why didn't she do it herself? This seriously sounds like some kind of Jane Austen novel where the woman just keeps stealing glances at the man and they just go for walks, then nothing happens. But at the end of the  over she just marries another man because she realises the previous man wasn't really the one. E.g. Pride and Prejudice.

I mean, no offence but there was no excuse from either your or her side why neither of you did nothing about this. My guess is you both weren't actually 100% interested in the other person. I don't think women in their 20's act like this these days where they keep coming into a store to see a guy but they never say anything or ask him out. Like, you've got girls on Tinder being like: "DTF??" Not all girls of course. I'm just saying, how can a young woman be this passive?

I reckon this didn't go anywhere coz it just wasn't meant to be. And now she's riding the Kyle train lol

 

[LootieTootie]

19 hours ago, That36guy said:

Ok, I actually have been contemplating building my own website dedicated to just general entertainment blogs, like posting reviews for video games, movies, and other things in the world of pop culture and entertainment.

Let’s say that I go that route. How could I use that to meet girls?

Well, you need to find other hobbies other than gaming. You are trying to show that you're multi-dimensional! You kind of come across as all you do is game. Oh and one of my friends actually met a guy who was a fan of her k-pop website, haha, so you never know. 

 

[That36guy]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Well, if you'd never asked a girl out before, I get it, it's scary. Although I do wonder how much you actually liked her as a person versus how much you liked the attention and the fact that she kept coming into the store. I understand you were nervous but this went on for months and you also know her friend. These days we have texting and social media. So even if you were shy to ask her out in person, surely you could have added her to social media or something like that?

Secondly, sorry but I don't really buy it that this woman was too scared to ask you out herself. If she came into the store for months to get you to ask her out then why didn't she do it herself? This seriously sounds like some kind of Jane Austen novel where the woman just keeps stealing glances at the man and they just go for walks, then nothing happens. But at the end of the  over she just marries another man because she realises the previous man wasn't really the one. E.g. Pride and Prejudice.

I mean, no offence but there was no excuse from either your or her side why neither of you did nothing about this. My guess is you both weren't actually 100% interested in the other person. I don't think women in their 20's act like this these days where they keep coming into a store to see a guy but they never say anything or ask him out. Like, you've got girls on Tinder being like: "DTF??" Not all girls of course. I'm just saying, how can a young woman be this passive?

I reckon this didn't go anywhere coz it just wasn't meant to be. And now she's riding the Kyle train lol

 

My co-worker told me that this girl was just waiting for me to make a move, so I guess she’s just one of those types who expects all guys to make any type of first move.

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, That36guy said:

My co-worker told me that this girl was just waiting for me to make a move, so I guess she’s just one of those types who expects all guys to make any type of first move.

Well that's her problem lol

[That36guy]

9 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well that's her problem lol

Damn straight. I'm so sick of this belief that it's always on the guys to make the first move and put in all of the effort.

[LaHermes]

7 hours ago, That36guy said:

I'm so sick of this belief that it's always on the guys to make the first move and put in all of the effort.

You have this fixed idea in your head OP.  And in any case this erroneous "belief" doesn't help your cause.

Sometimes men initiate, sometimes women. 

So, because of this "belief" you intend to never approach a woman or make the first move? Is that it?

However, that is not really the problem, is it? You are terrified of rejection, and you need to find out WHY you are so terrified. 

Do you feel you have an avoidant personality, meaning you won't even approach a women, at all, without first being 100% sure that she "likes" you.  You do see the absurdity of this stance?

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, That36guy said:

Damn straight. I'm so sick of this belief that it's always on the guys to make the first move and put in all of the effort.

 But you're wrong -it's not.  And asking someone out on a date is one of many "moves" -and no one has to be forward and make a move at all if you're in a situation where mingling with other people -including single people - is a natural part of the activity or event -then no one thinks about who is "first" because you're all just hanging out together.  Starting a conversation, being an active listener, showing interest -all of these things require effort.  Asking out on a date is another form of effort.  Suggesting plans and making plans (no matter who does the asking out) -also effort.  It's shared effort.  If you're only in situations that require a cold approach it may feel like the guy is always making a "first move" because you've put yourself in a situation where you have to approach a stranger.  The woman at work was chatting with you -that required effort on her part - she could have suggested meeting up for lunch or you could have - really minimal effort especially since you wouldn't have to label it as a date.

I'll give you this scenario - I had a male friend S for over a year - I'd met him through my friend and colleague because they were brothers.  There was a religious holiday coming up.  There was an event associated with it.  I knew he was interested in learning more about this holiday.  How did I know -because I'd put in the EFFORT to be his friend and have phone calls with him for about a year -not that often -every couple of months -because it was all platonic at that point.  I put in the EFFORT to tell him about the event and ask him if he wanted to go with me (not a date -just join). 

He said "no, I'm not interested but do you want to have dinner at a sushi place I know of?"  This was the first time he'd ever asked me to do anything like that.  I said yes.  We started dating shortly after.  So who asked who? Who put in more effort? I really am not sure because if you put in the EFFORT to get to know someone you won't feel like you're keeping score if the person shows they are interested. 

I'm sure my asking him to go to the event prompted him to suggest the alternative, which then turned out to be a date to my surprise.  It really can be as simple as that -but only if you're willing to get to know people in person and stop living in your negative comfort zone and blaming "society" and woe is me how unfair the world is.  That vibe and energy will show when you meet people so find a way to lose it so you can present an interesting, fun, flexible impression to people you meet.

[LaHermes]

20 hours ago, That36guy said:

I've never actually asked out a girl in person before and I just don't know how I'd react to rejection.

I asked before, OP. What do you mean that you don't know how you'd react to rejection. 

One other thing. Do you actually like women? I mean women generally?. I am not talking about attraction or "love". 

How did you get on with the women in your own family. Mother? Aunts? Sisters? Female cousins?

[Batya33]

47 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

I asked before, OP. What do you mean that you don't know how you'd react to rejection. 

One other thing. Do you actually like women? I mean women generally?. I am not talking about attraction or "love". 

How did you get on with the women in your own family. Mother? Aunts? Sisters? Female cousins?

I was wondering the same.  I liked meeting people and socializing and that included men of course.  That helped me have healthy romantic relationships - my close platonic friendships with men.  Which continue to this day and I’m married. 

[SooSad33]

21 hours ago, That36guy said:

This girl who came into the store was the closest I've ever gotten to actually being with a girl. As I mentioned before, there'd be times when she'd stop by to talk to me and in those times I really came close to asking her on a date, but then I got anxious and held back from doing so. She was right there in the palm of my hand and she slipped away.

I've never actually asked out a girl in person before and I just don't know how I'd react to rejection.

Sorry, but, i feel you see this all wrong.

Some girl 'talking' to you does not mean you've got her in the palm of your hand... right?

I am sure she talks to many other's as well.  Talking with someone is just the beginning. And a lot more is expected- but you never get that far.

Not sure your age?  But, I feel you've got some real fears there.  Rejection is normal part of 'seeking a partner'.  No, you are not going to get a 'positive' result with the first girl you approach.

There's millions of them out there.. and rejection is just part of learning... experiencing.

It needs to be accepted.  And they are not just going to fall into your lap.

If someone is interested in you, you'll know it.  You will get that look and more than once.

If you feel you are overly insecure, maybe you need to work on that?

But, I feel it's just part of learning with this.  Experiencing it.  The good & the bad.

Accept she is no longer available, maybe look up a local singles grp in your area (on fb), etc.

But.. the way you are thinking/ acting is silly.  To just sit & wait on her?  Nah, move along now.

 

[LaHermes]

In addition to the awful dread of rejection perhaps this kind of desperation also lies at the heart of OP's difficulties.  

"I'm gonna level with you and admit that I'm kind of in a rush to lose my virginity. Me and my three close friends are all still virgins and all four of us are sick of it. I'm just trying to make sure that I'm the first one to finally have sex, or at least avoid being the last one to do so."

With this mindset OP it is impossible to be relaxed and in a good place to initiate even a friendship with a girl, let alone ask for dates.   

[boltnrun]

Also, I get the impression you are looking for a girl, ANY girl, who will agree to date you and/or be your girlfriend and have sex with you.  That's how people end up in bad relationships.

Don't you want a girl who shares your interests and who admires you?  And who you admire?

[That36guy]

2 hours ago, LaHermes said:

I asked before, OP. What do you mean that you don't know how you'd react to rejection. 

One other thing. Do you actually like women? I mean women generally?. I am not talking about attraction or "love". 

How did you get on with the women in your own family. Mother? Aunts? Sisters? Female cousins?

I honestly don’t know anymore. I guess I’ll just see it as a blow to my self-esteem and lose what little confidence I had to begin with. 

[LaHermes]

2 minutes ago, That36guy said:

lose what little confidence I had to begin with. 

I can see, honestly, the vast difficulty you are experiencing in this fear of rejection. It is shackling you like a chain. And IMO it is more than the run-of-the-mill apprehension about being turned down. The fear is governing your life.

So, why do you think you have so little confidence in any case..  There is a reason for everything.

Self-confidence is one of the greatest assets one can have, and it can be nurtured.:

"defines self-confidence as an individual's trust in his or her own abilities, capacities, and judgments, or belief that he or she can successfully face day to day challenges and demands. Self-confidence also brings about more happiness."

"What are the reasons someone might have low confidence?

A few of the ingredients that determine a person's confidence level include genetics, temperament, cultural background, and early life experiences such as parenting style or a past trauma. Although those elements are generally out of our control, there are still plenty of ways to gain confidence throughout our lives."

 

 

 

[That36guy]

52 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Also, I get the impression you are looking for a girl, ANY girl, who will agree to date you and/or be your girlfriend and have sex with you.  That's how people end up in bad relationships.

Don't you want a girl who shares your interests and who admires you?  And who you admire?

I obviously want a girl like that, but it’s like I said before, my body is going to start falling apart once I reach my thirties and I only have so many years left in me at this point. Something has to give.

[LaHermes]

OP. You are 25 not 85!  Your body is not going to fall apart, as you say, by age thirty. Where DO you get these ideas! lol

How many 30 year old men do you know who are physically wrecked and totally decrepit. 

So, tell us about why you think your self-confidence is so low.

 

[Tinydance]

2 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

OP. You are 25 not 85!  Your body is not going to fall apart, as you say, by age thirty. Where DO you get these ideas! lol

So, tell us about why you think your self-confidence is so low.

 

I'm 36 so I must be on my death bed 😱

[That36guy]

1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

OP. You are 25 not 85!  Your body is not going to fall apart, as you say, by age thirty. Where DO you get these ideas! lol

So, tell us about why you think your self-confidence is so low.

 

I’m just going off of what I’ve heard with my uncle on my dad’s side. He once told me that his thirties is when he began to experience major back pain, balding, and unexplained weight gain. 

[LaHermes]

OP. That's just one man. Your uncle, who may have had health problems leading to those conditions. 

As for balding, well some men bald very early (I know a few in their 20s) and some don't. Anyhow what's the big deal? Bald heads are all the rage (on screen and off screen). 

Your uncle is Not representative of the entire 30 year old male population. 

Again, why this lack of self-confidence (see my post above). I am trying to get a handle on your background, but so far I have only heard of the other three musketeers. L. 

Do they also have these thinking patterns? These odd entrenched notions?

[Tinydance]

6 minutes ago, That36guy said:

I’m just going off of what I’ve heard with my uncle on my dad’s side. He once told me that his thirties is when he began to experience major back pain, balding, and unexplained weight gain. 

Well I was always chubby so my weight gain is explained  😜

[Tinydance]

What is the correlation between being 30 and back pain lol

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, That36guy said:

I’m just going off of what I’ve heard with my uncle on my dad’s side. He once told me that his thirties is when he began to experience major back pain, balding, and unexplained weight gain. 

That's one person.  Who may have made bad lifestyle choices. I'm almost 55 and I am fit, slim, lots of energy, work out daily, have a 12 year old,etc.  Yes at my age I injure more easily from working out or reaching for ice cream LOL but I am in better health than I was in my 30s despite giving birth at 42.

Most certainly choosing a negative mindset will age you and affect your physical and mental health.