am i being emotionally abused?

[Frankmarleys]

Hi Guys,

i am happily married with 1 daughter and my second due in 9 weeks. My wife seems to hate all my interests since she became a mother. 

I am interested in few things, music, motorcycles, carpentry, lifting weights and recently gardening. I had planned a 1 night camping trip about 45 mins away from home months ago, my last motorcycle outing before second baby. i was bummed when i found out my spot was closed due to people littering etc last summer and i told her this and she starting at me about not going, do it in garden, i might need you home anytime etc etc. We are having her sister stay that night to get used to putting out toddler down as she is taking over when we go in for the birth.

When i said i thought 8 weeks was safe to be away for a night away and reachable, she said 'fine do what you want doesnt matter what i think' essentially poisoning the well in regards to camping, i wont enjoy it if i think she is stressed. I was then hit with a kind new attack that surfaced when my daughter was born 'you ride your motorcycle, see friends, spend time in the garden, go to the gym and i dont do anything, she says herself she hasnt wanted to go out etc socializing much since baby and covid. 

Its at the point where my actual personality seems to make her unhappy, and i stopped the gym, i only ride on weekdays when im off and baby is in creche. We both seemed to love music but now it seems she gets angered by noise and screams at the google speaker to stop. I am very attentive to her and my daughter, i took over night wakeups for baby after 4/5 months solely as my wife was getting too stressed. I clean like a m~therf~ucker at home as well as maintain it and renovate it, so i know there is no underlying guilt that i am actually neglecting my family. When i landscaped our terrible yard into something nice, i was resented as i got to do it and she had to be stuck inside with baby, when she didnt have to be stuck inside with baby at all. I know its super unhealthy to stop what makes me happy to try make someone else happy, and im afraid its a dark road to go down. I will never leave her, i lover her, and i couldnt be away from my daughters. So i am just kind of waiting to see if things will get better.

[Lambert]

well, try to remember there are two sides to everything. 

Have you tried just asking her what could help her? What would she like you to be doing?  instead of assuming what you're doing is what she wants. 

Sometimes we kill ourselves giving another what we think is good... but the reality is, their focus is on something else. 

Maybe she needs something different and it's not about what you think. 

[Batya33]

I have a strong sense -and I'm not a mental health professional!!  -that she has some post partum/pregnancy/hormone emotional issues/depression going on.  I don't have a baby -my baby is 12 - but man I resent -even though my husband does a lot!!! - that he can just leave the room to take a long phone call without checking, that he can sleep in, etc -this is so much harder this past year with my son home 24/7 - virtual school because of covid -and both of us teleworking in an apartment. I'm not depressed but yes it's taken it's toll.  I don't lash out at my husband because my resentment is my own -it's not fair because like I said he does so much but yes I can relate to feeling more triggered right now.

[Frankmarleys]

i have encouraged her to do more for herself, let her have her me time, get her to see her friends more, and it seems good, and i feel like i am doing good by her.

We do generally have an open dialogue and i listen when she lets me, and usually i can easily do what she asks of me.

Then its only a matter of time before i get attacked and my personality assassinated, and that i cant really change, selfcare wise its the lowest its ever been.

[AdoptedDaughter]

It definitely seems like neither of you are getting your needs met. I know its very common for women to feel resentful towards men specifically about them having more freedom to go and do, while she feels stuck at home. Her feeling on the matter is very real, regardless of how nuch you do around the house. She regards these tasks as variant, child free, and desireable.

You on the other hand, feel like you have done everything possible to take the load off of her, and provide good living to your family.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Frankmarleys said:

i am happily married with 1 daughter and my second due in 9 weeks. My wife seems to hate all my interests since she became a mother. 

I was then hit with a kind new attack that surfaced when my daughter was born 'you ride your motorcycle, see friends, spend time in the garden, go to the gym and i dont do anything, she says herself she hasnt wanted to go out etc socializing much since baby and covid. 

She's being reasonable as far as covid, preganacy and a 1 year old. You need to step up to fatherhood a bit more. 

It's hard to imagine an 8 mo pregnant woman wants to be on a motorcycle camping. These are your solitary interests and have nothing to with her, your kids or family life. You mentioned zero that would interest her. a 1 y/o , etc.

Odd you see yourself as some sort of victim, no?

[Batya33]

I do not think you should be away for a nonessential trip that close to the due date.  My husband and I were long distance during part of my pregnancy.  It was hard. He went on a business trip about a month before I gave birth and I wasn't happy (especially since this was the same day Sully landed the plane in the hudson river- my husband was on a different plane!).  I ended up being early and laboring alone for the first 14 hours till my mother came.  My husband arrived as soon as he could get on a flight.  Still if it's avoidable at all I'd delay this trip.  It's not for business and I can see where for her it feels like a slap in the face.  Yes even if her sister is coming.

[Jibralta]

22 minutes ago, Frankmarleys said:

i feel like i am doing good by her.

Yes, but she doesn't seem to feel the same way. She seems to be very frustrated with you. If you're interested in being happily married to her, I think it's time you dropped the "I'm doing everything right" flag and really listened to her. Put all of your excuses and justifications away.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Yes, but she doesn't seem to feel the same way. She seems to be very frustrated with you. If you're interested in being happily married to her, think it's time you dropped the "I'm doing everything right" flag and really listened to her. Put all of your excuses and justifications away.

Also be careful, OP, about your mindset - because so often what's labeled as self care or me time is -guess what! - just normal life. What normal people do and need.  I don't want a darn massage or mani-pedi.  I just want to have my coffee once in awhile without hearing "mom!" or without my husband standing a foot away from me whistling or tunelessly humming.  Like I want ten minutes of time to have coffee.  Alone.  Peaceful.  I wish I didn't have to label that as "space" or "me time" because  so often if the father wants that he doesn't need to request or even think about it as in "oh you know I need to take a breather" - no- he just -does it -and figures the mom will respond to "mom!" 

But the thing is it builds.  All those times that the ten minutes really were only two minutes.  All those times the mom had to actually ask for permission to go use the bathroom for more than two minutes, like, maybe five.  So she might not be able to articulate it but with covid especially the togetherness can get overwhelming especially when she's growing a human.  And then you wanting to take a fun trip while she's waddling around -I can see where that feels like too much.  

Edited to add- I apologize for the sexism, for the calling out of fathers- because parents are awesome right now -mothers and fathers  -I am pointing out that yes in real life let's call a spade a spade and the dad's mindset is often so different and the dad can be clueless to this stuff -which is partly the mom's fault for not communicating.

[Rose Mosse]

The way I see it is that the more she lashes out at you or you experience resentment in the relationship, the greater the need to get away or do something more productive or individualistic for yourself. It's to recoup from the aggression at home.

The issue with you going away camping seems more like built up resentment to me. If you're going with others, that would be an issue and exposure of the virus to your family. If you're going alone, I don't see what's the big deal. The problem is the lack of togetherness in your marriage that's been brewing for quite awhile. That may not be evident in what you do but how you think towards her or the kids. 

I don't think you have to put up with character slaying and vitriol. No one wants to be around an unleashed monster. In the same way, passive aggressiveness doesn't fly (that's you). You may do a lot around the house but begrudgingly, so why do it at all.. Partners/people/anyone, even children, can sense types of aggression and resentment. 

If at all possible are you able to clear this on your own internally and approach things with a new face/fresh slate? It takes two. Do not put up with aggression and verbal abuse. Let her know that you are trying but it will take two as a team.

 

[abitbroken]

This woman is about to have a baby and has another little one running around. Her hormones are also through the roof. On top of it, she is physically uncomfortable.  Covid is also stressful. Cut her some slack. It may be that right now you can't do anything right. Don't take it all 100 percent personally.  

Is there someone who is in your bubble who can come watch the child so you can do something together? A date night? Even if its only a walk in the park - or grandparents can bring the child to their house? Surely somebody is going to be watching your child while the new baby is being delivered. 
It may be too late in the pregnancy now, but i would have planned an overnight at a safe AirBnb away from your kid just the two of you or do something the three of you like that instead of buddy camping. 

 

[DancingFool]

Unless she has always been this way, then you do need to cut her some slack and grow a thicker skin as well.

As for conflict like that, learn how to disengage. For example, when she attacks you, respond with "I'm sorry you feel that way." and say nothing else. No defending, no justifying. Let her sort out herself and her emotions.

Rather than focusing on the fact that she is free to do x or y in your eyes, ask her what does she want to do or how would she like to resolve whatever and just listen and hear her out.

Also, learn to listen better to what she IS telling you. You are focused on the "I do this and that, and took care of x and y, and so I deserve this one day of camping and it shouldn't be an issue." You are not wrong, BUT you are focusing entirely on yourself. Meanwhile, your wife is telling you that she is close to birth time and she is afraid and she needs you to be there for her. So you are actually being quite tone death to what is going on with her and her fears and emotional needs and instead just focusing on the pragmatic stuff and your own needs and what you do, like fix up the garden. In your eyes, you are doing something to add value to the home, but your wife at this point in time isn't valuing this project at all. So you and her have a big disconnect and that's something to talk about and address when you are both calm.

 

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Frankmarleys said:

When i said i thought 8 weeks was safe to be away for a night away and reachable, she said 'fine do what you want doesnt matter what i think' essentially poisoning the well in regards to camping, i wont enjoy it if i think she is stressed. I was then hit with a kind new attack that surfaced when my daughter was born 'you ride your motorcycle, see friends, spend time in the garden, go to the gym and i dont do anything, she says herself she hasnt wanted to go out etc socializing much since baby and covid. 

Yes, it is okay to travel 8 weeks before arrival. She is just miserable, sadly and trying to make you the same - guilt.

But, is it your fault, because you still have a life?  yeah, you have your bike,, but she can join you in the garden, etc.

She can also spend time with at least one of her friends?

I hope she does not resent this next baby.. but she does seem stressed/negative about a lot.

As Batya mentioned.. hormone craze and just negative emotions going on.. BUT, I think she should be informed this is affecting you! So, do let her know this much.

You do need to feel you can do your own thing sometimes... so maybe at least suggest she get out a bit - even w/ her cousin, w/e coming by to help out...

[Frankmarleys]

ok, really good answers here, i think i may have been a bit blind to the reality. We are going to have some time together when my daughter is at your grandparents. I am ashamed of showing off such a typical mans attitude, rather than maybe seeing the reality that pregnancy is hard and she didnt feel like she was being heard. I usually have a thick skin and dont take things personnally, this pregnancy is so different as i have my daughter, so i almost forgot how tough it is on her. 

thanks guys, i appreciate everyones input, ive found it very helpful

[Batya33]

15 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Yes, it is okay to travel 8 weeks before arrival. She is just miserable, sadly and trying to make you the same - guilt.

But, is it your fault, because you still have a life?  yeah, you have your bike,, but she can join you in the garden, etc.

She can also spend time with at least one of her friends?

I hope she does not resent this next baby.. but she does seem stressed/negative about a lot.

As Batya mentioned.. hormone craze and just negative emotions going on.. BUT, I think she should be informed this is affecting you! So, do let her know this much.

You do need to feel you can do your own thing sometimes... so maybe at least suggest she get out a bit - even w/ her cousin, w/e coming by to help out...

I think it's ok to travel if he has to. Not for a vacation.  I know of many babies born 8 weeks early including one of my nieces (and my sister had to take a taxi and get out of the car to find an ATM while in labor).  Especially since she has the other child and is feeling the stress.  She probably wants to avoid interacting with too many people unless she's fully vaccinated.  

Good luck!!

[tattoobunnie]

On 4/29/2021 at 12:13 PM, Frankmarleys said:

you ride your motorcycle, see friends, spend time in the garden, go to the gym and i dont do anything...

...i took over night wakeups for baby after 4/5 months solely as my wife was getting too stressed...

...When i landscaped our terrible yard into something nice, i was resented as i got to do it and she had to be stuck inside with baby...

Speaking as a wife who's been pregnant, who's had a husband go camping for days while our eldest almost died because I didn't know better while we were on our own, and had no way to contact him.  I think you need to prioritize your family, and stop resenting them for it.  They aren't time units.  You have a super prego wife, who if you only started caring for the 1st baby AFTER 4/5 months because she was too overwhelmed, sounds like you don't pitch in as much as you think.

And landscaping or cleaning - how does that help with her and your kid??? It doesn't. It just means, she stuck tending to the kid for ever how long.  I'm not trying to beat you up. But I can 100% see why she's frustrated.

I mean, how often do you plan dates with just your wife? And I don't mean, just use opentable to book something. I mean, get a sitter. Have dinner ready for the kid while you two are out.  Give her time to get ready.

Sorry, but when you have little kids, if you have time to hit the gym on the regular, motorbike ride for hours, I guaranteed the lump of responsibilities for the home and family fall on your wife.  And 8 weeks before the baby is due - that's not safe.  We said no for a trip to Italy 3 months before our due date for my guy best friend, because "sh*t happens"

Don't get me wrong, I am sure you are doing what you think is best. But camping, and all the extra stuff you get to do during the week or several times a month is a giant message that says, "my family is not my priority, and I fit in what I feel like."  And then you think, if I help with the kid (s), I will get yelled at, so I will do none of these things. But it's a cyclical thing...because, ultimately you aren't asking or paying attention to how something is handled to stay consistent.  There is a reason why they call it "dad bod".  It's a period in time where you prioritizing your little ones.

Once they get a bit more mobile, and can potty, it opens up your world.  Right now, you're still in the time away mode.  You haven't hit the I love that I can SHARE my world with my kids.  We go off-roading a lot, Jeeping, in the mountains and outer-beaches as a family.  Ride bikes together and walk our dogs. I know you probably get overwhelmed, but take a deep breath, and make plans for your family - not just for you.  You'll get there.  You don't always see it with one kid. Not that it's not hard with one kid; just a lot less chaos.  But you will 100% see the insanity with 2 kids, and it's all hands on deck, but it's always so completely magically.  Good luck with the 2nd baby!