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AdoptedDaughter

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  1. Conclusion: after Aunt stating that she couldnt do the wedding this year (older generation went with a delay tactic) she sent my sis a document to fill out about wedding style, budget, all those adult planning things that youngest sister had clearly only thought of in the abstract. Big emotion, nearly a breakdown about how neither of them can afford it. She reached out to me, venting about not wanting her marriage to start in a courthouse, stress. I validated her feelings, and gently pointed out that she deserves a partner who will take some of this load and help her. Told her thats what marriage is. I took the conversation to her overall mental health, which isnt amazing, saying she deserves affection (hes been overseas with no hint of coming here on his own steam). It was hugs and love and tears, and "you deserve the best, you deserve an equal partner" she thanked me. I wasnt sure how sincere it was, or if it was sincere how long she would hold onto what I said. 2 weeks later they broke up! Thanks for all the advice- I appreciate it!
  2. I can only hope. She had a bit of a breakdown this morning after speaking with our clergy Aunt, who said she cant do a ceremony this year. She gave sister some papers to fill out, told her to come back with a budget for the wedding, and they could talk. Clergy Aunt is delaying, and making her deal with many important factors, like finances, before she will even discuss officiating their union.
  3. Found out the immigration lawyer meetings have-so far- been free consultations. It may yet collapse under the weight of neither of them making money.
  4. After some thought, Im wondering if our parents are paying for it. Theres no other explanation, and they have offered to take on other expenses for the wedding. They say its because if they express ANY disaproval she will be even more set on him, but imo they are hiding from the difficult parenting conversation. They do that, myself and middle sister regularly take on parenting tasks as delegated. Middle sister did a stint in therapy to deal with the stress of parenting adult kids when she is only 23. I hope its just fantasy, but dont think it is. My best idea rn is to talk her into getting him here on a work visa. That will require him to get a job, so the job can sponsor him to the US. He could prove hes not a useless lump, or he wont and he will never actually come over. We had her talked into that plan, but then she met with the lawyer, and they said the easiest way to do it is via marriage. She got task oriented, and forgot, or cast aside, the idea that he should work for it because she deserves proof he can work toward something. ANYTHING!
  5. I meant disappear from us. Many who are in bad marriages hide it from their family so they wont be embarrassed. I dont want that for her. Thats my only real fear here, that she will cut us out and live a miserable life dragging him along. I think her going back into care would be best. She needs to find her own steam in life, grow and live for herself, with only herself in mind. How to do it though! She thinks shes better since she was able to stop smoking weed 🙄 and now shes headed off into happily ever after.
  6. She met him in the UK at the college they both dropped out of. She met his family, stayed there for a short while. I think shes checking off her life list. Our middle sister was married at 21. Guess how old she is? Yep. Pretty sure his or our parents paid for his fare for the wedding.
  7. I genuinely think he is only smoking weed. That, and some unresolved issues are why she checked into rehab 🙄 As for the sponsor, thats why shes living with my sister. When she first moved in with them, it was on a military base, and had no access to weed if she wanted to. Same now, but they have moved off base into a home. I honestly have no idea how she is paying for the lawyer. I have a sneaking suspicion that the parents are footing the bill. They recently offered to fly his parents to the US for the wedding...they say its all to keep her thinking they approve, so as to not drive her to him in rebellion...
  8. My parents are firmly in the camp that anything they say will make obstinant, and force her into the wrong choice. Theyve been hiding from basic parenting like that for years, its a problem. With this one they might not be wrong even though they are clearly avoiding all difficult parenting discussions. He is not, he flew in on a travel visa 2 years ago for the wedding, and left to the UK afterwards. I think what she finds attractive is that he takes up all her energy, and excuses her from dealing with her own issues. Thank you for replying, Ive gotten very rude comments from other posters, but yours came across kind, and thanks for trying to help get to the root!
  9. Im not sure, tbh. She doesnt have any income, so I cant see a loan being justified.
  10. Its pot. She felt like she couldnt stop AND had some memories of abuse surface. She wasnt doing anything in particular with her life, so she checked into rehab so she could deal with all of the above. Yes, I think its silly she did that for pot. Also, they live in separate countries, so they arent doing drugs together. And they might be better matched. She always wants someone to focus on, and fix, so she doesnt have to work on herself. Trust, if it was only the risk of a failed relationship, Id let her fall on her face! Learning experience. However, she is taking on roughly 10k in debt to immigration lawyers to try to get him here, and with her income that can follow her for a loooong time. She hasnt graduated college, she wont even have a degree to justify that debt. I dont want her next decade to be miserable because we, as a family, havent voiced disapproval.
  11. Ive said that I want her to come to us, that I want to be there when it falls apart.
  12. Wow, a few of you are more judgemental than your reading comprehension justifies. Looking at you Tinydance. Came for advise with love in my heart, ready to accept that I cant do anything, if that was the general consesus, and all you have is insults? I judge him because Ive seen him become less successful since high school, and do nothing to mitigate his mental health issues so he can be a functional member of society. I have cptsd, and I know how hard it is, but I cant respect a person who doesnt want to even think about trying to better themselves. Im intimately familiar with the responsibility and work needed to deal with it. He is stuck in child mode. Still living with parents and everything. Yes, Im judging him. F*cking duh.
  13. It definitely seems like neither of you are getting your needs met. I know its very common for women to feel resentful towards men specifically about them having more freedom to go and do, while she feels stuck at home. Her feeling on the matter is very real, regardless of how nuch you do around the house. She regards these tasks as variant, child free, and desireable. You on the other hand, feel like you have done everything possible to take the load off of her, and provide good living to your family.
  14. My significantly younger sister (11 year gap) is intent on marrying an absolute loser, and is in the process of sponsoring him to US citizenship. I, and my entire family, have always errd on the supportive side. We have been through a decent amount of therapy due to geneetic mental health issues, and have always prized being there for one another. Due to this, a good portion of the family has not communicated to my sister that they dissaprove. She has now acquired an immigration lawyer to assist in getting him over here so they can get married, and he can get citizenship. There are so many things wrong here I hardly know where to begin. The guy in question has not been able to hold a job since he dropped out of college. He still lives at home, and has never had to support himself, or contribute significantly to a household-or to a relationship, as reported grudgingly by my sister. He has such extreme anxiety that he cannot function in new/stressful/crowded environments. He was so bad off mentally at our middle sisters wedding that he threw up and had to go back to the hotel for the reception. She does not have much in the way of income herself, having recently come out of a rehab center for mild substance abuse issues, and some unresolved surfaced memories. She has been living with our other sister (in between us, and married/successful) since she left rehab. Our entire family is concerned. Our 73 yo aunt, who officiates ALL of the weddings in our family, does not want to officiate her wedding. I initially voiced my concerns 1 on 1, and our middle sister has not been able to hide her disapproval, much as she tries to be diplomatic. Youngest sister seems impervious to our concerns to the degree that are not certain even a full family intervention would jar her out of it. Middle sister rightfully points out that the last thing we want to do is alienate youngest sister. She is headstrong, and may just dissapear, and that would rob us of the ability to be there when she needs us. I am in desperate need of advise. Everything about her choice is the wrong thing. Shes checking off boxes trying to be as established as our middle sister, shes not doing it for the right reason. Her choice in mate is someone she will have to care for like a child for the duration of their relationship. He is also a foriegn national, and my sister is taking on thousands of dollars in bills to get him over here. What do I do? My goal is to love and care for her, even if it means accepting this, but I also want so badly to point out the cliff she is walking off.
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