Worried my partner is sexting other dudes

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Delacrank said:

but then there’s another part of me that feels like i might not be able to meet someone like this for a really long time, and the thought of losing her is more terrifying then working on my issues and dating people who I know i won’t be able to fall in love with.

- Meet someone like this?  That is sexting other guys- not just you? How great is this for you? 😕 

- No, you should maybe be dealing with yourself & insecurities eg. fear something is wrong with no immediate response? 

You never answered on how long you two have been doing this..

 

[SooSad33]

59 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

You are admittingly emotionally unavailable and you are very brave to admit the shortcomings you are wanting to work through.  Unfortunately considering anything more with this basically fantasy person is perpetuating more of the same. 

Her being younger, the distance and never having met currently makes her pretty unattainable at the point as well.  The likelihood of it coming to fruition is low, so you end up exactly where you are currently at.

- Exactly, this as well.  You know nothing of this gal and well aware of her behaviour.

None of this will do you any good, I hope you see this...

I suggest you back off totally from this woman you really know nothing about and will most likely not ever.

Time to get over this 'fantasy' and find something more 'real', but work on yourself in the meanwhile...

[reinventmyself]

. . It's kind of like acknowledging you have a drug habit, but you will continue to use until you find something or someone to motivate you otherwise.

It doesn't work that way.  You abstain and the discomfort motivates you.  You start working toward something healthy that feels good and it reinforces you to work harder to get to the other side.

You are currently medicating your discomfort by engaging this young woman.

[boltnrun]

How do you propose to "help" her?

Has she asked for your help with anything? 

[junebug123]

16 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

 

You never answered on how long you two have been doing this..

 

2 and a half weeks. First week we talked and sexted every night through video streaming after she got off work. Then I dumped her because I noticed issues.

A week later I got back on the service I was using to try to meet other people and she reached out to me, only this time my feelings for her were even stronger. Now it’s day 3 and I will probably talk to her tonight again.

Work on my insecurities, good luck with that. Imagine ignoring every positive thing that anyone every says to you and hyper focusing on negative interactions. At one point online dating literally scarred me so bad because I was just meeting women who were only interested in meeting financially successful men, and then I started generalizing all women like this and watched videos which reinforced this narrative.

I’m just so tired of being lonely, you can’t imagine what it feels like to hate yourself so much and have someone give you a complement on your looks or personality just feels too good to be true.

This coupled with the fact that I literally spent years of my life in isolation just reading technical books and programming in the belief that someone could finally love me if I was financially successful. Only to find out afterwards that my issues were still there even after I broke into the industry.

Im trying to come to terms with everything and talking to this girl has surfaced a lot of underlying issues that I have been suppressing for years that lately I’ve been crying like every day or every other day.

I feel like you guys are asking me to give up the one thing that actually has made life worth living in a long time and it’s not fair. 

As for helping her, I don’t know the same way that any friend helps another who is lonely and seeking companionship or friendship at a difficult point in their life. You almost make it seem like she is beyond repair...

[boltnrun]

You haven't said how old she is, but she is seeking attention from men in an unhealthy way. And you already know you're not the only one.

But you're willing to disregard all of the negative because she's giving you attention? 

How much do you think it will damage you if this all goes bad or it doesn't turn into the love relationship you imagine it will?

What does your therapist suggest regarding your self esteem issues? And what does she/he think about your interactions with this online woman and your intention to build a life with someone you've communicated with for less than a month and who you've never actually met?

[SooSad33]

7 minutes ago, Delacrank said:

Work on my insecurities, good luck with that. Imagine ignoring every positive thing that anyone every says to you and hyper focusing on negative interactions.

Okay, so this being a problem for you, why can't you work on it?  Like NOT getting involved for a good while? Maybe think on it in a different manner, like how could your issue's affect an actual relationship?  

As for how long you've actually been involved with this gal, is VERY short time span.... sounds more like you've got some infatuation going on- which is not reality..

9 minutes ago, Delacrank said:

I’m just so tired of being lonely, you can’t imagine what it feels like to hate yourself so much and have someone give you a complement on your looks or personality just feels too good to be true.

Okay..yes, I do get it, but doing this with someone you do not know- but to even let someone use you or lead you on, is no good for your own emotions or mentality. _ Is up to you to work on your insecurity/thoughts, etc.  It can be done, there are support networks out there- but please do not let yourself get led on by something like this.

Feel too good to be true... yeah, sadly it often isn't so true 😕 .

 

12 minutes ago, Delacrank said:

I’ve been crying like every day or every other day.

Sorry this is affecting you in such a way 😞 .. But, I do wish you CAN come to realize all the harm it can do also.

Is there a reason you can't just get onto a dating site and tour it for a while? Someplace where the people will be more local and for real...

 

[Hollyj]

1 hour ago, Delacrank said:

Lol. You would be surprised for what is passable in terms of emotional sustenance when you have literally been starving for it your entire life.  

Also, I have been doing therapy for a few years now. So actually your talking to someone whose made some progress.

In terms of cutting her off entirely, I still feel like my guidance can help her and I feel I can relate to her in terms of our mutual issues. So I’m not willing to give up that connection so soon. 

You’d be surprised at the number of people who would be willing to engage in a friendship or relationship with someone as damaged as me. Sometimes you tell someone something that was a little too heavy and they just write you off, the ways you guys are telling me to write this girl off. So beggars can’t be choosers.

You have known this girl a little over two weeks and now you have become her therapist.  Don't you see how disturbing and co-dependent this is.  This sounds creepy.  

You are choosing to be a sick dynamic, do you think that will help you get to where you need to be?   

You may also want to try a new therapist.   You did not give the ages?

[Hollyj]

24 minutes ago, Delacrank said:

2 and a half weeks. First week we talked and sexted every night through video streaming after she got off work. Then I dumped her because I noticed issues.

A week later I got back on the service I was using to try to meet other people and she reached out to me, only this time my feelings for her were even stronger. Now it’s day 3 and I will probably talk to her tonight again.

Work on my insecurities, good luck with that. Imagine ignoring every positive thing that anyone every says to you and hyper focusing on negative interactions. At one point online dating literally scarred me so bad because I was just meeting women who were only interested in meeting financially successful men, and then I started generalizing all women like this and watched videos which reinforced this narrative.

I’m just so tired of being lonely, you can’t imagine what it feels like to hate yourself so much and have someone give you a complement on your looks or personality just feels too good to be true.

This coupled with the fact that I literally spent years of my life in isolation just reading technical books and programming in the belief that someone could finally love me if I was financially successful. Only to find out afterwards that my issues were still there even after I broke into the industry.

Im trying to come to terms with everything and talking to this girl has surfaced a lot of underlying issues that I have been suppressing for years that lately I’ve been crying like every day or every other day.

I feel like you guys are asking me to give up the one thing that actually has made life worth living in a long time and it’s not fair. 

As for helping her, I don’t know the same way that any friend helps another who is lonely and seeking companionship or friendship at a difficult point in their life. You almost make it seem like she is beyond repair...

You have known her for two weeks, not two years.  

Get serious with the therapy and focus on getting to a better place.  

[Hollyj]

11 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, so this being a problem for you, why can't you work on it?  Like NOT getting involved for a good while? Maybe think on it in a different manner, like how could your issue's affect an actual relationship?  

As for how long you've actually been involved with this gal, is VERY short time span.... sounds more like you've got some infatuation going on- which is not reality..

Okay..yes, I do get it, but doing this with someone you do not know- but to even let someone use you or lead you on, is no good for your own emotions or mentality. _ Is up to you to work on your insecurity/thoughts, etc.  It can be done, there are support networks out there- but please do not let yourself get led on by something like this.

Feel too good to be true... yeah, sadly it often isn't so true 😕 .

 

Sorry this is affecting you in such a way 😞 .. But, I do wish you CAN come to realize all the harm it can do also.

Is there a reason you can't just get onto a dating site and tour it for a while? Someplace where the people will be more local and for real...

 

He is in no place to be dating anyone right now.  

[junebug123]

6 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

He is in no place to be dating anyone right now.  

I’m 35 and she’s 20. Meh, people always think they need to be perfect to be dating that’s often not the case, just like you don’t need to have a 6 pack to go to the gym, or an expert in the field to work a job.

Creepy, you think I care about that. Lol. Most relationships are based on surrogacy anyways, sort of hard to categorize human relationships between functional and healthy, not sure evolution cares about that stuff.

The people I talk to aren’t licensed therapists and I generally tend to hide most of my dark material anyways. It’s sort of a mutual thing where the roles switch but I still get the benefit of having someone listen to me.

SooSad, what do you expect me to do, just change overnight? This is the first time I’ve allowed myself to even show interest in another person in years. In terms of baby steps I’m trying my best although maybe not in the healthiest way.

Worst case scenario I can use this experience to learn about myself and how to interact with females without it getting co-dependent right off. I sort of have that type of relationship with my mom, so it’s very hard for me not to engage in that sort of behavior because I’ve never learned healthy boundaries and she’s never respected my space.

I don’t even know why I’m opening up to you guys so much. Ugh. I can’t keep doing this it’s  too emotionally exhausting, I’m feeling wiped out just talking about all this stuff it’s like flooding out of my head.

I’m trying to be open about what’s going on but the more details I disclose the more I feel like you guys are going to be judging me, so when you make those sort of comments about me being creepy and all this stuff, it just makes me feel like not engaging at all.

[Hollyj]

39 minutes ago, Delacrank said:

I’m 35 and she’s 20. Meh, people always think they need to be perfect to be dating that’s often not the case, just like you don’t need to have a 6 pack to go to the gym, or an expert in the field to work a job.

Creepy, you think I care about that. Lol. Most relationships are based on surrogacy anyways, sort of hard to categorize human relationships between functional and healthy, not sure evolution cares about that stuff.

The people I talk to aren’t licensed therapists and I generally tend to hide most of my dark material anyways. It’s sort of a mutual thing where the roles switch but I still get the benefit of having someone listen to me.

SooSad, what do you expect me to do, just change overnight? This is the first time I’ve allowed myself to even show interest in another person in years. In terms of baby steps I’m trying my best although maybe not in the healthiest way.

Worst case scenario I can use this experience to learn about myself and how to interact with females without it getting co-dependent right off. I sort of have that type of relationship with my mom, so it’s very hard for me not to engage in that sort of behavior because I’ve never learned healthy boundaries and she’s never respected my space.

I don’t even know why I’m opening up to you guys so much. Ugh. I can’t keep doing this it’s  too emotionally exhausting, I’m feeling wiped out just talking about all this stuff it’s like flooding out of my head.

I’m trying to be open about what’s going on but the more details I disclose the more I feel like you guys are going to be judging me, so when you make those sort of comments about me being creepy and all this stuff, it just makes me feel like not engaging at all.

You are way too old for her.   So inappropriate.   This is something for a Dr. Phil show.  

[reinventmyself]

34 minutes ago, Delacrank said:

 

I’m trying to be open about what’s going on but the more details I disclose the more I feel like you guys are going to be judging me, so when you make those sort of comments about me being creepy and all this stuff, it just makes me feel like not engaging at all.

I'm sorry if you are feeling judged.  Is it possible these things are just hard to hear?

It will be hard pressed for someone to celebrate your relationship with this girl.  I think you know that already.

I was in a bad place, post divorce.  My dating experiences were tragic and messy.  I kept thinking if I tried things differently, or tried harder I might get it right.  What I learned (in therapy) was it was important to get right with myself first before I took my show on the road, so to speak. 

Yes, it was lonely at times, but the alternative was accumulating a lot of collateral damage that I was taking into the next relationship and cycle of bad decisions just continued and my self esteem declined due to my poor choices.  It wasn't until I stopped dating and focused on myself that things changed for me.   

No one's going to like you if you don't like yourself.  I know that's an overplayed saying, but it's ove played for a very good reason.   

[Andrina]

You're going to have to do the hard work of getting real therapy. Yes, it's hard to be vulnerable and open up to skilled mental health personnel, but it's the only way you will eventually be able to have a successful relationship with another mentally healthy person in the future. 

[SooSad33]

59 minutes ago, Delacrank said:

I’m 35 and she’s 20. Meh, people always think they need to be perfect to be dating that’s often not the case, just like you don’t need to have a 6 pack to go to the gym, or an expert in the field to work a job.

Creepy, you think I care about that. Lol. Most relationships are based on surrogacy anyways, sort of hard to categorize human relationships between functional and healthy, not sure evolution cares about that stuff.

You are a mature adult, I am sure you'll figure yourself & your needs out, on your own anyways.

Yes, it is your choice... but at least you are aware, from all of the responses you've gotten 😉 .

As for your age & hers.... BIG difference, but if all you are seeking is validation, fine.

IMO, don't expect too much with a gal like this - her mindset & maturity is lacking- being, just reaching adulthood.

I do hope you tread carefully with this experience and that you don't fall any lower. - Why I say so? Because I am real, I have experienced plenty and I have 4 boys in your age range and I have been that age as well (20).. at that time I knew NOTHING of the world out there & how it can be. 😕 

I wish you well.  TC of you.

[boltnrun]

My friend was "seeing" a guy who worked as a bartender and who would call her late at night when he was on his dinner break, tell her to drive to his workplace (30 minutes from her home), have sex with her in her car and then send her home. I asked her if she was happy with how her "relationship" was going. She told me "at least I can say I have a boyfriend". That just made me so sad. She wanted a boyfriend so badly she was willing to put up with being treated like an unpaid prostitute.  That relationship nearly broke her mentally and gave her an incurable STI. Very sad.

Please try to work on your negative mindset. You seem like you have a lot to offer a good woman. Playing sexting games with an online, long distance person who seems to crave attention from multiple men isn't going to make you feel better about yourself.

[Hollyj]

"Most relationships are based on surrogacy anyways"   This is not true.   

Why aren't you seeing a licensed therapist and telling them all of your issues?   Don't you want to work towards a healthy you?

You don't use other people to learn and grow, you do this on your own and with help from a professional.  

I think that if you were willing to deal with this head on, instead of engaging with this young girl to make you feel better, you would be getting  different responses.    You know that this situation is not healthy or good, don't you think it is time to really deal with your issues.

[junebug123]

1 hour ago, Hollyj said:

"Most relationships are based on surrogacy anyways"   This is not true.   

Why aren't you seeing a licensed therapist and telling them all of your issues?   Don't you want to work towards a healthy you?

You don't use other people to learn and grow, you do this on your own and with help from a professional.  

I think that if you were willing to deal with this head on, instead of engaging with this young girl to make you feel better, you would be getting  different responses.    You know that this situation is not healthy or good, don't you think it is time to really deal with your issues.

I love how you say young, like 20 isn't already an adult. If I was 45 and she was 30 would you still make this argument. What if I was 55 and she was 40 with the same issues and everything. 

Also, I think we are using each other. So I just don't buy you trying to guilt trip me, I wonder if you do the same to the women in age gap relationships because I've seen quit a few of those posts. 

Also, I am not putting this forward as a topic to debate or being toxic or anything. I am just saying from the perspective of people who use age to play the victim or being innocent, etc.

[Hollyj]

39 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

I love how you say young, like 20 isn't already an adult. If I was 45 and she was 30 would you still make this argument. What if I was 55 and she was 40 with the same issues and everything. 

Also, I think we are using each other. So I just don't buy you trying to guilt trip me, I wonder if you do the same to the women in age gap relationships because I've seen quit a few of those posts. 

Also, I am not putting this forward as a topic to debate or being toxic or anything. I am just saying from the perspective of people who use age to play the victim or being innocent, etc.

 

Barely out of the teenage years;  It is ridiculous to compare it to 30 to 45.  No guilt tripping, it is an observation that most would make.  

Would you feel comfortable introducing this girl to your colleagues, family, and friends?

 

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, junebug123 said:

Worst case scenario I can use this experience to learn about myself and how to interact with females without it getting co-dependent right off.

You're kind of already there, though. 

Maybe not codependent, but this is already dysfunctional.  You two consider yourselves a couple without ever having laid eyes on each other in person. She is already showing you that she is messy. 

So if your goal is to practice interacting with women in a healthier, more constructive manner, you've really selected the wrong woman for that. You need to work on your picker and re-evaluate your standards for the women you let into your life. 

[junebug123]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You're kind of already there, though. 

Maybe not codependent, but this is already dysfunctional.  You two consider yourselves a couple without ever having laid eyes on each other in person. She is already showing you that she is messy. 

So if your goal is to practice interacting with women in a healthier, more constructive manner, you've really selected the wrong woman for that. You need to work on your picker and re-evaluate your standards for the women you let into your life. 

I spoke to her last night again. Okay, look I think you guys are right about everything your saying. To be honest, I don’t think she was sexting other guys the entire time, I think she just made that up to make me jealous.

Im feeling really terrible now, I didn’t admit the full truth of what actually happened and why I broke up with her in the first place. At one point she told me that her parents wouldn’t be okay with her dating someone as old as me and couldn’t see us moving in together because she was adopted and all this stuff.

To be honest, I don’t even know if she’s ever been in a relationship before and could have just been lying to be about being in prior relationships because of her insecurities. There were times when I talked about flying out to see her and how she might be uncomfortable, and I didn’t think it was that big of a deal since I’ve done online dating before. Then again I’m not 20 either.

Also, I don’t see myself as dating down at all. The more I read this and think about some of the things I’ve said on this thread and reflect the more it makes sense about the age imbalance and me being more experienced. Yet, it’s still very confusing to me because she aggressively pursued me and initiated a lot of the sexting stuff.  I felt like I was just going along with it, so I’m feeling confused as to how I was supposed to be the adult in these situations?!

Part of me enjoys the attention/ validation and I guess a lot of the other things we mentioned before. It’s also possible that I can relate to her more then women my own age because maybe a lot part of that is me being immature and not ready for adult relationships.

Im like crying again, and I do that every-time I post on this thread. I think there’s another part of me that feels like we are both wasting our time and she’s better off just dating guys her own age in her area and should cut me off. Yet, I guess due to her fears it’s easy to hold on to a sure thing like me. 

Im still feeling really judged every time I post here, she’s one of the few people I feel like I can open up to and not worry that she’s going’s to hurt me. You guys must think that there’s something wrong with me, but honestly I feel like I can’t help myself at this point because it’s too hard to walk away from that to be alone again.

Sometimes when I think of not be able to talk to her I feel utterly devastated and alone and I don’t know why I even opened up myself to her in the first place. I can’t cope with these feelings at all and feel like it would take me a long time before I could move on.

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

she’s one of the few people I feel like I can open up to and not worry that she’s going’s to hurt me.

So it doesn't hurt you that she's sexting other guys?

OP, you need to get real with yourself here. 

[junebug123]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

So it doesn't hurt you that she's sexting other guys?

OP, you need to get real with yourself here. 

Look, I also wasn’t entirely honest on how I initially met her either. It was through this sort of weird online kink thing where that behavior is normalized. I didn’t want to get into specifics because I don’t want people trying to find out about me or her or anything like that.

Its true, not everyone is into some of the weird role play, bdsm stuff that goes on in there but I guess she was into that stuff and wanted to do it with me. I guess your right, I do worry, but I can’t control what she does and there’s also a part of me that doesn’t care as long as I know that she’s not emotionally involved with those people if she is doing it with them.

I actually think that her being controlling over me and trying to make sure I don’t talk to other girls on that thing was her being guilty about her own behavior and just projecting it. Like I said before thou, all of this validation and her need to control me just lured me in more. I can’t help the way I feel, I’m just here now with my feelings and trying to figure things out as the days unwind.

I guess in my fantasy world we keep talking, I eventually move to this tech hub if these guys make me an offer. I keep talking to her and eventually convince her (adopted parents) that I’m not a bad person. 

I also think she wants that too, and I think that’s why she keeps talking to me, maybe we both want the same things but we are just scared. It’s not like I’m forcing her to do anything and when I initially told her I would come see her she got really excited and thought about me a lot.

To be honest I felt terrible that I broke up with her and I didn’t realize how much that hurt her and she’s still having a really hard time trying to trust me again. When I think about whether she’s sexting other people it feels like such a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things. Like what if this is just some phase in her life.

[reinventmyself]

Your user name changed?

[junebug123]

27 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Your user name changed?

You’d be surprised how much I used that old name for different accounts, the nature of this discussion forced me to change it.