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Worried my partner is sexting other dudes


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I met this girl online. That same night she wanted to sext with me via voice call. I could tell that it was not normal but decided whatever because I hadn’t done anything like that in a while.

Turns our I really liked doing it with her. And I basically ended up talking to her every night for the past week. At some point I was worried that she was just addicted to doing this sort of thing and I didn’t want to keep pursuing an online relationship with her if we would never meet.

Long story short I broke it off with her which didn’t go well. Apparently she like fell in love with me in such a short span of time. I haven’t felt like this with anyone in such a long time and I’m worried my feelings are getting the better of me.

A week went by and eventually I caved in and went back and she reached out and we started talking again. Tonight she really opened up to me and it feels like even closer then we have ever felt before. However, she admits that all of her friends are guys and that she sexts with them I’m guessing audio but she denies video.

Its hard for me to believe she’s not full on video streaming with them and even thou she tells me they mean nothing to her she still does it. Has anyone been in a similar situation and I guess the feeling is that I’m worried this behavior will continue even if we decide to eventually live together...

 

 

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You haven't said how old she is, but she is seeking attention from men in an unhealthy way. And you already know you're not the only one. But you're willing to disregard all of the negative becau

I'm sorry you feel this kind of interaction with this kind of young woman is the best you can do. And that you are willing to settle for so little. I'm also sorry you don't realize how much you h

I'm not offended, I am just very uncomfortable with this situation.  It is so inappropriate and unhealthy for both parties.  It is almost that you choose the worst possible scenario. What I don't

Have you ever met her in person, OP?

Anyone who says they love you and is sexting with other guys is someone you should forget. Sorry, but this woman is bad news. 

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Slow way down... Just to get this straight. You’re saying that you’ve just met her, have been sexting over the past week, believe you both have strong feelings, are worried she’s sexting other guys and worried it’ll continue after moving in together? Did I miss the part where it said you’ve actually met in person? Or did I misread and this has been going on for more than a week?

And to your question on if I’ve ever been in this situation. Not exactly but a few similar. One in particular I met online said guys were asking her for nude shots. I told her that’s messed up. A bit later and she’s asking me for nude shots plus wanting to sext. Told her I don’t do that. She persisted, I continued to tell her no. We ended up casually meeting. She didn’t let up though and sent me nude shots and sexted me. Not my thing, especially that fast so I’m done.

Moral of the story, you’re just one of many guys sexting with her. How are you any different? Be different than the other guy’s, stand your ground, slow down and potentially meet in person.

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1 hour ago, Delacrank said:

I met this girl online. That same night she wanted to sext with me via voice call. 

Sounds like she's a sex worker. Shut it down.

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How can you be in love after only one week with someone you've never even met? You are calling her your partner, she is a stranger! You have all the information already. She is sexting and probably video calling other guys. 

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36 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

How can you be in love after only one week with someone you've never even met? You are calling her your partner, she is a stranger! You have all the information already. She is sexting and probably video calling other guys. 

I’ve never met her but we did talk about me flying out to see her and she was excited about that. A round trip flight is only like a hundred dollars if it’s not on a weekend.

Also, I don’t think she’s a sex worker because she’s never like charged me and I’m pretty sure that she has a regular job because I know when she leaves for work and comes home.

Shes just some young girl who lives at her parents house and I’ve seen her have conversations with her dad and stuff or at least I think that’s her dad. To be honest she could be ropping me in about everything and I could be an utter fool, but I more or less have an idea about what’s she’s lying about and what she’s being honest with me about.

Im not going to lie, I am disturbed about the whole situation. Generally, I don’t catch feelings for people this fast, in fact it’s been several years since I’ve felt anything for anyone and I have a reclusive personality because I spend so much time alone programming and reading.

I don’t generally think that sexting in general is a bad thing per say and tbh I think she’s just someone who is really lonely and has daddy issues and this is one way for her to get attention from men, albeit not the best way to go about it.

I guess I’m having a bit of the Jesus syndrome kicking in and that’s sort of what’s got me going. Even if nothing amounted romantically from this situation I really feel good trying to help her and see if we can make progress with some of her issues.

Also, I’m much older then her so there’s also the aspect of me wanting to sort of watch her grow and develop as a person before trying to get physical and see the entire thing fall apart. I hope those reading this thread have more incite on where I’m coming from and where I’m going. I’m just looking for guidance on how to handle the situation not really decisions, I’m capable of doing that on my own if I feel it’s neccessary to walk away I think I can do that.

Edited by Delacrank
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If you have never met her, this is all a fantasy at this point. You have no idea who she really is, for all intents and purposes. You don't know if anything she's telling you about herself is true. You would be wise to ask yourself why you consider an internet stranger your partner, man. Are you lonely, perhaps?

Her saying she loves you when she's never even met you is a giant red flag. Her sexting other guys is an even bigger one. She is not girlfriend material at all. 

 

Edited by MissCanuck
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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Her saying she loves you when she's never even met you is a giant red flag. Her sexting other guys is an even bigger one. She is not girlfriend material at all. 

 

It’s pretty much up there with most of the women I’ve ever dated. Childhood trauma, catches feelings quickly,  abandonment issues. I can’t help what I like, this is the only type of women I feel safe around. Others usually intimidate me or make me feel like crap when I open up. 

I’m not sure if other users feel the same way I do, but it’s like so hard for me to find someone that I feel comfortable around that I’m willing to overlook some things. Also, I’m not sure if me being lonely has anything to do with it. 

I’m pretty sure a healthy individual wouldn’t have made me feel the way she does, and I would have found some reason to push them away. This is generally the pattern, push them away so I don’t risk being hurt in the long run.

Edited by Delacrank
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I did OLD for several years. 9 out of 10 times, when I met a guy in person, it never led to a second date. That's why it's best to date locally, since you should never spend more than the cost of a cup of coffee for a first meet.

Your story is an exact example of my theory of what types of people seek LDRs. People who aren't emotionally ready for the realities of a local relationship, or people who have things to hide.

Sorry, but you're going to have to face the fact that being hurt is something people are subject to in the dating world. You should realize that's a possibility and not taking that risk will have you end up companionless and lonely. If you want a gf, isn't the risk worth it versus being alone? But the secret is to be a smart dater, and not ignore red flags.

Since you're an introvert and probably don't have a support system of friends, there's your problem. You make a love interest the sole center of your universe. People with a fulfilling life with friends and hobbies spent with others will still be upset if a break up happens, but won't be as devastated as a person without anything of significance going on in their lives.

If I were you I'd seek therapy to learn to be a more resilient person, and expand your world outside of your cave. What you're doing isn't working. Just because you've labeled yourself an introvert doesn't mean you can't grow as a person and start involving yourself in your community. Volunteer work is a great place to start. Because if you don't gain self worth, you'll attract and be attracted to scum like the sexter. When you find scum attractive, it's clear your brain needs a major rehauling. Good luck.

Edited by Andrina
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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How has your method of  getting attached to this type of woman been working for you so far? 

I would say the same thing still happens, that when things start getting real I generally tend to push them away because of the feelings that come up for me.

Only, I noticed that women with those issues generally tolerate my behavior for longer then those without it. I guess that’s messed up?

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2 minutes ago, Delacrank said:

I would say the same thing still happens, that when things start getting real I generally tend to push them away because of the feelings that come up for me.

Only, I noticed that women with those issues generally tolerate my behavior for longer then those without it. I guess that’s messed up?

It's working excellent if you want to avoid a relationship, which is what is seems you're doing. A little online interaction, you get attached electronically and decide you're in a relationship even though you really aren't.  You can feel like you have a girlfriend without actually having to be a boyfriend or interact in real life. And when it all goes bad you can tell yourself you were right about relationships causing hurt. Then do it all over again.

Is avoiding getting hurt worth all this effort? Do you want someone to actually be with or not? You mentioned living with this one week stranger, how could that work if you're just going to push her away if you ever did meet in person?

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I think she's using you and will eventually ask you for cash. If you want to "handle" the situation, shut this down and stop communicating with her. She lives with her parents and it's alarming if you believe you can help her with anything. What makes you think you're a healthier choice than her own parents? Is it not setting off any alarm bells or weighing on your conscience at all that you may be interfering? 

Quote

It’s pretty much up there with most of the women I’ve ever dated. Childhood trauma, catches feelings quickly,  abandonment issues. I can’t help what I like, this is the only type of women I feel safe around. Others usually intimidate me or make me feel like crap when I open up. 

You're dating down and in the process picking people who are no good for you and also conversely, perpetuating a negative influence in someone else's life. Think twice about all this. My advice is not to fly anywhere. Use the several hundred $s and find a good therapist.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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If you can describe her as someone who is a great deal younger, with possible daddy issues and sexting others, why wouldn't that be more than enough to abort this?    You referred to her as your partner but have only been sexting for a week.

Yet, you are wondering if you should fly to meet her??

This is the very moment you stop trying to figure out what she's all about and turn the focus on yourself.  Why did you become so quickly attached to this young troubled girl?  Is there something about all of this that is a wake up call for you to address something going on with you?

There is a saying *that we are healthy as the company we keep*  

 

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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11 hours ago, Delacrank said:

I met this girl online. That same night she wanted to sext with me via voice call. I could tell that it was not normal

- You're right, it's not. To sext etc with some guy she knows nothing about - is concerning.

11 hours ago, Delacrank said:

At some point I was worried that she was just addicted to doing this sort of thing and I didn’t want to keep pursuing an online relationship with her if we would never meet.

- I agree... yeah, I'm sure she is..addicted.

11 hours ago, Delacrank said:

Long story short I broke it off with her which didn’t go well. Apparently she like fell in love with me in such a short span of time.

- No, I do not believe this.  One does not 'fall in love' with someone they don't know, over sexting - fake & trouble 😕 

11 hours ago, Delacrank said:

she admits that all of her friends are guys and that she sexts with them I’m guessing audio but she denies video.

- video or not... none of this has been any good.

11 hours ago, Delacrank said:

Its hard for me to believe she’s not full on video streaming with them and even thou she tells me they mean nothing to her she still does it

- Yeah.. none of you mean anything to her, sorry.  She is using guys out there in the available, online world!

 

 I guess the feeling is that I’m worried this behavior will continue even if we decide to eventually live together..-

- Wait.. what?  If you decide to live together?  How & why did this come about?

How long has this been going on?  And why would you ever assume you'd be living with her?

All red flags... remove her from your life.  Don;t get caught up in this crap. 😕 

 

Edited by SooSad33
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11 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

 

 

 I guess the feeling is that I’m worried this behavior will continue even if we decide to eventually live together..-

- Wait.. what?  If you decide to live together?  How & why did this come about?

How long has this been going on?  And why would you ever assume you'd be living with her?

All red flags... remove her from your life.  Don;t get caught up in this crap. 😕 

 

unless I read it wrong, 7 days 

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17 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

- You're right, it's not. To sext etc with some guy she knows nothing about - is concerning.

- I agree... yeah, I'm sure she is..addicted.

- No, I do not believe this.  One does not 'fall in love' with someone they don't know, over sexting - fake & trouble 😕 

- video or not... none of this has been any good.

- Yeah.. none of you mean anything to her, sorry.  She is using guys out there in the available, online world!

 

 I guess the feeling is that I’m worried this behavior will continue even if we decide to eventually live together..-

- Wait.. what?  If you decide to live together?  How & why did this come about?

How long has this been going on?  And why would you ever assume you'd be living with her?

All red flags... remove her from your life.  Don;t get caught up in this crap. 😕 

 

Yeah. Well, um many good points by a lot of the people responding in such a short period of time. 

First off it was something that I sort of suggested in terms of what the future would bring. Like I’m probably going to be relocating to another state soon working for some Fortune 500 company doing java development if I get an offer, either way by the end of the year something along those lines will be happening. 

At first I was thinking of just finding a job near her state, then I was thinking of having her come to me. Based on a lot of what you guys are saying it’s pretty crazy I’ll admit that much.

In terms of her using me for money? Idk about all that, if anything she’s been pursuing me for the majority of our interaction and I’ll pretty much just shut her down if anything like that even remotely gets brought up, it’s not like I’m an unattractive guy, I’m 6’0, blue eyes, athletic build and have experience dating women and having causal encounters. 

Its just having an emotional connection is the real problem that I struggle with and I told myself to swear off women until I worked on those problems. 

Another poster brought up the issue of how would I be any better then her parents. This kind of stings me the most, but honestly I really feel like if anything were to deter me, this pretty much sums it up. Yeah, maybe I’m living a fantasy it just feels so much better this way then to face my fears and approach women and deal with the rejection. 

I don’t know how many people deal with the constant insecurities then I live with and the low self esteem. Getting into a relationship with women pretty much just magnifies those issues times ten for me, where at times I’ve had a panic attacks if text messages aren’t responded to quickly enough. Or if I’m not receiving constant validation and physical intimacy, I’ll start feeling scared that my partner doesn’t love me.

I guess I’ll just keep my talking to her and see where things go while keeping my options open. Part of me wants to shut it down, but then there’s another part of me that feels like i might not be able to meet someone like this for a really long time, and the thought of losing her is more terrifying then working on my issues and dating people who I know i won’t be able to fall in love with.

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1 hour ago, Delacrank said:

Its just having an emotional connection is the real problem that I struggle with and I told myself to swear off women until I worked on those problems. 

 

 

You are admittingly emotionally unavailable and you are very brave to admit the shortcomings you are wanting to work through.  Unfortunately considering anything more with this basically fantasy person is perpetuating more of the same. 

Her being younger, the distance and never having met currently makes her pretty unattainable at the point as well.  The likelihood of it coming to fruition is low, so you end up exactly where you are currently at.  There must be a sense of safety in knowing that things will likely stay the same, but frustrating at the same time    It's no surprise you find this attractive and tempting.  Fantasies are low risk.

Have you considered therapy?   You are very much onto what motivates you to do these things.  Have you considered getting some support for this?

Edited by reinventmyself
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1 hour ago, Delacrank said:

I guess I’ll just keep my talking to her and see where things go while keeping my options open.

The longer you continue to engage her the further away you get from being motivated to resolve your own issues and having the fulfilling relationship you desire.  

Consider this a crutch.

not to mention you will be encouraging young lady who has some sad issues to continue to act out.   I wouldn't be comfortable with that.  You shouldn't be either.

Edited by reinventmyself
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Dude, you really think that any of this is normal:   Sexts during first convo and falls "in love" within a week.  C'mon, she is either really screwed-up or playing you.  You cannot be this naive or lonely.  

What are your ages?   Have you gotten therapy for your issues and attraction to "projects?"

Cut it off.  Your judgment is terrible.

 

Edited by Hollyj
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4 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Dude, you really think that any of this is normal:   Sexts during first convo and falls "in love" within a week.  C'mon, she is either really screwed-up or playing you.  You cannot be this naive or lonely.  

Cut it off.  Your judgment is terrible.

 

Lol. You would be surprised for what is passable in terms of emotional sustenance when you have literally been starving for it your entire life.  

Also, I have been doing therapy for a few years now. So actually your talking to someone whose made some progress.

In terms of cutting her off entirely, I still feel like my guidance can help her and I feel I can relate to her in terms of our mutual issues. So I’m not willing to give up that connection so soon. 

You’d be surprised at the number of people who would be willing to engage in a friendship or relationship with someone as damaged as me. Sometimes you tell someone something that was a little too heavy and they just write you off, the ways you guys are telling me to write this girl off. So beggars can’t be choosers.

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