Constant rejection

[greendots]

This is my guess, provided you've hang out with them or spoken to them for some time at a party, etc. - the women you meet aren't attracted to you. I'm not referring to the physical sense (though that is important to a degree as well), but personality or attitude wise something is missing for them to feel smitten by you.

I remember, a long time ago this wonderful guy being totally into me. A good-looking gentleman who would've made a great boyfriend. But somehow something was missing.

The best way I can explain that "something": connecting with someone on a similar level, like they 'get' you, or they bring a quality to the table that absolutely captures your attention. ("Wow! You're fascinating.")

[Brice]

9 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I haven't broken an arm but I have broken a foot so I can empathize with feeling put out and frustrated with just that alone. Being isolated or having just moved to a new place will also work its way in under your skin. Can you give yourself a break working on other hobbies or interests indoors? 

People will naturally gravitate towards you with the same interests/loves/goals if you find some motivation to go about doing what you love to do. When I'm feeling down about everything else going on, I go inward and start exploring lots of fun things I've always wanted to do but didn't have time for. Maybe it's picking up a new language or watching videos or documentaries on something I've always wanted to learn. I enrolled in some courses online also at a local university last year during the pandemic and have been interested in the online discussions and assignments. All of it is related to my career, none of it is required. It's just more of topics I've wanted to learn about in a formal setting. I'll earn a new designation this June. You don't have to limit yourself to things you already know. 

Hope you feel better soon. I think you should give yourself a break and not be too hard on yourself with the dating situation.

Thanks rose.  I have done much of that too.  I’ve taken courses, started learning about physics and quantum mechanics.   I’ve tried so much, it just feels like absolutely nothing works.  The dating rejection was a slow build up of disappointment then the latest one which I finally felt was something good in my life, really crushed me.  

[Brice]

Really feel like I messed things up with her and it was the one thing that made my day was talking to her, that was mutual.  I feel like she misunderstood my position on important things, which was my fault but she wouldnt hear me out to try to clarify.   
Just feels like the wind was knocked out of my sails and there is no gusts in the forecast.   

[Batya33]

I sense you're here more to vent and prove why you're justified in being jaded and bitter.  One main reason why I was able to become the right person to find the right person -didn't marry till I was 42 and we started dating (second time around) around my 39th bday  - was because I had a thick skin and despite getting rejected a great deal -I interacted with hundreds of men including through on line sites- met over 100 men just through on line sites in my 30s especially - was because I did not choose to react to those disappointments and rejections (I mean true rejections -truly where the person after getting to know me over time was not that into me/didn't want to be with me -that's closer to me, to a true rejection, sure felt that way) was by never ever ever letting myself do the pity party/victim/jaded/cynical gig longer than a couple of hours. 

I felt what I felt and I came up with ways to react to those feelings -while validating them!! -in a way that didn't result in your choices, your mindset, your attitude, your penchant for dismissing the input you're getting with cliches and platitudes.  Because you'd rather be right, and right in your negative comfort zone then roll up your sleeves, and get back out there with a reasonably positive and confident attitude.  Reasonably.  

One more piece -had i not wanted marriage and family with my whole heart, soul, pinky toes, hair on my head (now covid-hair) - I would never ever ever have been out there pounding the pavement to look for my good match, my perfect person for me (not a perfect person -no he's not, neither am I!) and working on being the right person to find the right person.  It would not have been worth it -too much time, stress, aggravation.  So get clear on why you are dating and get clear on whether the prize, the goal is worth it.  It's so tough out there, you need a thick skin, you have to be willing to do the work especially in your mid to late 30s but wow is it worth it.  And I say this one year into lockdown, in a smallish apartment with two adults teleworking and one child doing virtual middle school.  

I'm not going to play the game of placating you or validating how right you are to react to your legitimate jaded/cynical/angry feelings - not interested.  Feel what you feel -your reaction -your choice.  The way you are reacting is limiting your dating options severely.  I declined a number of second dates because I could sense and smell the jadedness.  Not that it's a statistic but I'm friends on Facebook with one of those guys.  He's in his mid 50s.  Handsome, successful, intelligent.  Single and not sure if he now wants to be.  When we met over 15 years ago I told him why I declined that next date (I didn't always but him, I did) -and he told me I was right -he told me he was feeling really negative about his job prospects etc so even though he showed up, was perfectly polite and pleasant, handsome and intelligent, I sensed that negativity vibe and wasn't up for that.  It's a real turn off.  

[Brice]

I fully get that.  I don’t know how to lose the negativity at this point.   I feel saturated with it.  I understand that’s not a way to begin or continue searching.   I don’t know how to stop being jaded.  It is far easier to say just don’t be jaded, or have thick skin than to actually do it time after time.  

[Andrina]

The book The Key by Rhonda Byrne teached me how to think more positively. It's the law of attraction, but makes sense when you think of how your thoughts spur you on to your actions.

There are some people who are single and don't want to be. Picture them in the mall and spotting another couple all affectionate and into each other. One might think: Those people make me sick. 

Think of how your face might look thinking those thoughts. Nobody will be attracted to that.

Now what if you thought: That's really great. That couple looks so in love. That's going to be me one day.

How different your demeanor and expression would be with those thoughts. A hint of a smile and calmness.

Instead of excuses, think of the possibilities. You can still hike with a bum arm. You could get a dog to get you out walking, going to dog parks. You could take cooking classes. You could take dance classes, and excellent way to meet women. Some time don't require use of both arms. Of course COVID limits things, but I imagine by autumn, most people will be vaccinated and social distancing won't be such a deterrent.

I had to take on the task of dating like a part time job to reach my goal. Yes, it was totally upsetting and frustrating the majority of that time. But if I'd given up, I wouldn't be about to have my 10th anniversary with my husband. I felt like I had to sift through a lot of sand to find the treasure.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Brice said:

I fully get that.  I don’t know how to lose the negativity at this point.   I feel saturated with it.  I understand that’s not a way to begin or continue searching.   I don’t know how to stop being jaded.  It is far easier to say just don’t be jaded, or have thick skin than to actually do it time after time.  

I explained to you above how to choose a different reaction.  You don't stop being jaded or negative - you choose a different reaction to the feelings.  Here are some reactions I chose:

Exercise.  Calling a friend but not talking about me/my mood.  Volunteer work.  Getting back out there and faking it till I made it -meaning stopping the silly self-absorption/indulgence in negative comfort zone and promising myself to approach at least 3 people or speak with at least 3 people at a singles event or party or religious gathering.  Reminding myself of my ultimate goal -marriage and family.  

Of course it is hard -I said so above.  So you take baby steps.  IF you really want the prize, the goal.  Do you really??  Be really honest if it's worth it to you - are you ready to be vulnerable to someone, to be responsible for that person's well being in a long term commitment (yes, responsible at times for sure -not all the time I hope!) - are you prepared to be bored sometimes and to have to do the work required to reignite the spark, prepared to have someone be just as into you as you are into them - and to feel like you deserve it rather than going to a place of "hmmmm why does she actually like me- do I want to be the member of a club that really wants me???"

Figure out what else you're doing to self-sabotage -right now you're self-sabotaging by making excuses about ohhhhh it's so hard to choose different reactions to negativity and jadedness and ohhhhh I know I need a thick skin but it's sooooo hard.  You've gotten many suggestions about how to make different choices -baby steps.  But that takes work - it's not as safe or comfy as you indulging in your victimhood and pity party.  I agree with Andrina except I've been married 12 years to her 10 LOL.  I had to do what she did.

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

I had to take on the task of dating like a part time job to reach my goal. Yes, it was totally upsetting and frustrating the majority of that time. But if I'd given up, I wouldn't be about to have my 10th anniversary with my husband. I felt like I had to sift through a lot of sand to find the treasure.

I had to do that too.  For 24 years on and off -off when I wasn't in a serious relationship.  I took one 6 month break where I only dated casually, not husband hunting.  And again at around age 38 I decided I might not be the right person for a marriage relationship.  Ironically that was when I got an email from a guy I'd dated who wanted to get back together -with the goal of marriage.  But I knew I wasn't attracted to him -he came across as very effeminate.  He actually claims he dated 400 women through online sites before meeting his lovely wife -married at least 10 years now, he married in his late 30s. 

Anyway A few months after that I ended an on again off again LTR, finally.  For good.  6 months later my ex fiancee from the 1990s resurfaced to meet for a platonic dinner.  We didn't meet online -we'd originally met at work -but yes he also had an online profile.  (Meaning, many awesome people do!).  Sparks flew -caught me totally by surprise.  Shocked, actually.  We got back together 4 weeks later. 

Our first time around he wasn't right for me - and he wasn't the right person for himself as he needed to pursue his dream career instead of the career he already had, which he was excellent at but didn't fulfil him. He wasn't negative or jaded at all - but he wasn't where he wanted to be in life.  Once we reconnected, he was.  And he grew in confidence and self-assuredness because of it plus just .... growth.  I think that changed things between us in a good way and I think I was ready to be loved by a very available -but not "too nice" -person.  The stars aligned, I guess.  So, part luck, part timing, part.... us.  

I hope you stop making excuses and get to work.  Of course it's not easy.  It's so worth it though IMHO.

[Rose Mosse]

4 hours ago, Brice said:

Really feel like I messed things up with her and it was the one thing that made my day was talking to her, that was mutual.  I feel like she misunderstood my position on important things, which was my fault but she wouldnt hear me out to try to clarify.   
Just feels like the wind was knocked out of my sails and there is no gusts in the forecast.   

Then you're still grieving or upset that it ended, yes? Be upfront with yourself about this because it's not really about the constant rejection from others. It's about someone who meant a lot to you even though it was a short period of time, this last person you were seeing. What things did you feel she misunderstood? Did she assume things about you or fly off the handle? Someone who just trods all over what you have to say doesn't seem very convincing anyway. She could have been insecure in general. Having a lack of faith in yourself as a person doesn't work in relationships. 

[Brice]

4 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Then you're still grieving or upset that it ended, yes? Be upfront with yourself about this because it's not really about the constant rejection from others. It's about someone who meant a lot to you even though it was a short period of time, this last person you were seeing. What things did you feel she misunderstood? Did she assume things about you or fly off the handle? Someone who just trods all over what you have to say doesn't seem very convincing anyway. She could have been insecure in general. Having a lack of faith in yourself as a person doesn't work in relationships. 

Yes was jaded by previous rejection. But was always positive with her, and I wasn’t pretending...it was way and came naturally when we talked.  
 

she misunderstood my position in kids.  Partially my fault based on my initial reaction to the question(but to be fair it was really early and I didn’t know her then). 

She is a very confident and secure person in general.  She was and is a really impressive person.  Not without fault I’m sure, but I haven’t met anyone close to her ever.  But she was recently hurt in a previous marriage which has made her careful with who she sees.  Which I was understanding and appreciative of.  

[Rose Mosse]

12 minutes ago, Brice said:

Yes was jaded by previous rejection. But was always positive with her, and I wasn’t pretending...it was way and came naturally when we talked.  
 

she misunderstood my position in kids.  Partially my fault based on my initial reaction to the question(but to be fair it was really early and I didn’t know her then). 

She is a very confident and secure person in general.  She was and is a really impressive person.  Not without fault I’m sure, but I haven’t met anyone close to her ever.  But she was recently hurt in a previous marriage which has made her careful with who she sees.  Which I was understanding and appreciative of.  

I'm not sure why she wouldn't want to talk more about this subject if she was interested in being with you. You don't have to explain anymore if this is too uncomfortable. I do think that if someone is in the right mind frame to take a relationship seriously that person will also give  those important topics the time it needs or even give the other person a chance to respond or revise a response and come back to it. If she got upset or sad suddenly(and ended it or couldn't feel she could go on) she wasn't ready for a relationship with you. 

[Brice]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

I'm not sure why she wouldn't want to talk more about this subject if she was interested in being with you. You don't have to explain anymore if this is too uncomfortable. I do think that if someone is in the right mind frame to take a relationship seriously that person will also give  those important topics the time it needs or even give the other person a chance to respond or revise a response and come back to it. If she got upset or sad suddenly(and ended it or couldn't feel she could go on) she wasn't ready for a relationship with you. 

Yeah I don’t even know.  And I can’t tell her or explain myself now.  

[Rose Mosse]

4 hours ago, Brice said:

Yeah I don’t even know.  And I can’t tell her or explain myself now.  

Nor should you have to. Give yourself time please. Maybe you need more time to yourself just to feel more like yourself and less down about this one not working. Not all women will react like her or treat you like that. Use this experience to show to yourself that you are capable of giving your heart to someone and caring genuinely about that person. But don't give up on everyone else.

[Brice]

33 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Nor should you have to. Give yourself time please. Maybe you need more time to yourself just to feel more like yourself and less down about this one not working. Not all women will react like her or treat you like that. Use this experience to show to yourself that you are capable of giving your heart to someone and caring genuinely about that person. But don't give up on everyone else.

Unfortunately all I have is time to myself.  Likely part of the issue I suspect.  

[Tinydance]

Look, honestly dating is really hard for everyone. I've been doing online dating on and off for 18-19 years and I've actually never had a relationship from online. Only some short term dating and a bit of hookups. So for me personally online dating hasn't been successful at all. I mean I'm feeling a bit negative myself because one of my best friends is married with kids and my other best friend found a serious boyfriend too. But I really want to find someone so I want to keep looking and I'm not going to give up.

I've had some bad experiences from online where the person was so clearly not into me that after only one hour with me he kept checking his phone. Then abruptly said he was sick and had to leave! Which was clearly a lie. I've been told I look exactly like my photos and I'm a nice and friendly person, so it was completely unnecessary to act that way. I'm just giving you that as an example that bad dating experiences happen to everyone.

[Brice]

28 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Look, honestly dating is really hard for everyone. I've been doing online dating on and off for 18-19 years and I've actually never had a relationship from online. Only some short term dating and a bit of hookups. So for me personally online dating hasn't been successful at all. I mean I'm feeling a bit negative myself because one of my best friends is married with kids and my other best friend found a serious boyfriend too. But I really want to find someone so I want to keep looking and I'm not going to give up.

I've had some bad experiences from online where the person was so clearly not into me that after only one hour with me he kept checking his phone. Then abruptly said he was sick and had to leave! Which was clearly a lie. I've been told I look exactly like my photos and I'm a nice and friendly person, so it was completely unnecessary to act that way. I'm just giving you that as an example that bad dating experiences happen to everyone.

Maybe we should go out? Lol

[Tinydance]

51 minutes ago, Brice said:

Maybe we should go out? Lol

Ha ha ha OMG do you know I actually had the same thought 😂 I'm in Australia though lol

[Brice]

9 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Ha ha ha OMG do you know I actually had the same thought 😂 I'm in Australia though lol

Luckily I’m not afraid of deadly snakes. 

[Batya33]

I have several friends -men and women -who met their lovely spouses on line originally.  I met many great people and as I mentioned my husband had a dating profile (there was a very specific reason we never really came across each other in the years we were apart).  I had a very specific approach to meeting people through online sites and it worked for me. I also met people at singles events, in my apartment building, through friends, at work/through work, at volunteer work, at religious organizations/events/retreats.  One friend met her husband when she was in her mid to late 30s because he was her dance instructor, another met her husband in her building's laundry room on a rainy Valentine's Day evening.  

I never did casual sex and was able to screen out almost all men who wanted that arrangement, before meeting or at least after meeting only once maybe twice.  I'm sorry you're disappointed about your last relationship.  If you have a lot of time to yourself I'd seek out virtual volunteering opportunities including maybe helping older people find a covid vaccine -that's what I see a number of people doing in my area.

[Unsure2021]

What I find really off-putting in men is a sense of desperation. Any whiff of it, regardless of how handsome or nice he is, and I feel a sense of energetic repulsion. It also makes me think there must be something wrong with the person. I would suggest taking steps to become happy or at least content, on your own. Seeking desperately to find someone to fill a void rarely works and if it does, it’s usually not the right person long-term. Ask yourself if you want someone or the right one.

[catfeeder]

On 3/14/2021 at 9:13 AM, Brice said:

... I don’t know how to lose the negativity at this point.   I feel saturated with it.  I understand that’s not a way to begin or continue searching.   I don’t know how to stop being jaded.  It is far easier to say just don’t be jaded, or have thick skin than to actually do it time after time.  

Why assume that there's anything 'wrong'?

Lean in. Embrace your inner swan.

Sure, the ducklings won't like you very much, but they're not supposed to.

As with the finer things in life, you may be an acquired taste.

That's a compliment. Unless you choose to take it otherwise, which hardly works in your favor.

Think of dating like finding a needle in the haystack. Love is rare. It's supposed to be rare, or what would be so special about it?

Don't allow rejections to make you desperate, as desperation can trick you into settling for anyone who doesn't reject you. Instead, sharpen your resilience and adopt pride in your unique value.

Most people won't own the capacity to see and appreciate your unique value.

That's actually a good thing. It prompts ducklings to screen themselves out, which spares you the trouble. It opens the pathway for the RIGHT woman to view you through the right lens. She'll be the one who 'gets you'.

Hold out for her. 

Head high. It only takes ONE 'right' one.

[Brice]

I decided to write her a letter.   Maybe a tad old school but I just wanted to be honest.  I really thought I’d see her again so I tried to just have a nice relaxed walk to get to know each other.  So much was left on the table.  
 

basically I am going to say a bit about the reasons she said we might not match and say regardless of her decision I would like to have her in my life even if only as a friend of the other option isn’t one anymore. Hope it’s not a bad idea 🤞

[Batya33]

I would write the letter -pour your heart out and not send it.  Of course you can't be friends.  Do you want to hear about who she's dating and trying to date? That's what friends talk about among other things.

[Brice]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would write the letter -pour your heart out and not send it.  Of course you can't be friends.  Do you want to hear about who she's dating and trying to date? That's what friends talk about among other things.

It’s sent.  I’ve been friends w people I’ve cared for in that way.  It’s tough but they are worth it 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Brice said:

It’s sent.  I’ve been friends w people I’ve cared for in that way.  It’s tough but they are worth it 

But you can't be a true friend if you are not happy or at least very neutral for the person when she tells you all about how excited she is about a new guy in her life - so it might be worth it to you - it is not being a good friend to the person.

[Rose Mosse]

15 hours ago, Brice said:

I decided to write her a letter.   Maybe a tad old school but I just wanted to be honest.  I really thought I’d see her again so I tried to just have a nice relaxed walk to get to know each other.  So much was left on the table.  
 

basically I am going to say a bit about the reasons she said we might not match and say regardless of her decision I would like to have her in my life even if only as a friend of the other option isn’t one anymore. Hope it’s not a bad idea 🤞

It's a bad idea if you're keeping a collection of exes around or women that you've slept with or had intimate relationships with. This would be a lack of boundaries on your part. It would be hard for any woman to want to date you knowing that you have female friends like this whom you've had history with. 

I hope you receive an answer soon and she doesn't string you along. I think your reasoning for staying friends will shoot you in the foot unfortunately whether sooner or later.