Constant rejection

[Brice]

Out of my 36 year life, only ever been in two relationships.  One for 6 months years ago and one for a year more recently.  Aside from those, I have honestly not been able to get a second date.   I always get the you are such an amazing person, such a nice guy, really one of a kind person, etc etc etc.  Followed by the no thanks conversation.  
 

Im not a model but certainly not ugly, am pretty active and in good shape, I have a good job and good family.   Honestly getting rejected by being told how great I am is starting to lead to feeling really depressed and is affecting my life in a major way.  I know most of those conversations include compliments to minimize the rejection but most feel genuine.  
 

I don’t know how to change this or what I’m doing wrong    

 

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, Brice said:

Im not a model but certainly not ugly, am pretty active and in good shape, I have a good job and good family.  

Sorry this is happening. Are there any red flags you can think of? For example living with parents or roommates?

If you're depressed, seek help for that. It may be due to dating despair... but is may also be causing it.

[Brice]

I haven’t lived in my parents home for 15 years.  I honestly don’t know.  Obviously there is something.  I think it has to be the fact that I haven’t been in a lot of relationships, so dating to me feels so strange.  I’m not shy but private.  Conversations are always good, I am a people person in general and like hearing about others interest and lives.  
I think I get friend-zoned a lot.  But to me the first date isn’t about making out in an alley after 15 minutes but just meeting someone and then building chemistry from there.  

[Batya33]

The how great you are is really just a throw away line.  The "nice" sometimes means nice but in the sense of you were too passive/too approval-seeking in how you spoke, how you carried yourself, how you interacted. How often do you do the talking?  What kinds of questions and follow up questions do you ask? When you hear about someone else's interests how do you react?

 Do you carry yourself with confidence? Do you make good eye contact? Does regular social interaction feel strange to you? Dating requires a thick skin and someone declining a second date is not a rejection of you -the person is simply not interested in going on another date.  

Also what is your purpose in dating? Long term relationship? Marriage? A companion to do fun stuff with? Where are you meeting people? What things do you do every week to meet people -either people you might want to date or people who might be able to introduce you to people?  What kinds of volunteer work or singles events or fitness activities or outdoor activities do you do? 

[1a1a]

Some of us are pretty darn rare creatures, which means that our viable matches are very thin on the ground indeed and we have to meet a looot of people to find them. 
 

I think it might be helpful to sandwich dating with activities, the company of people who love you and application of yourself to long term goals. I’ve found the dating misses feel like less of a drag when I do this. 
 

Also, be super careful about the stories you tell yourself. If another person declines to romance you and you tell yourself ‘I will never find someone’ that is going to fuel that despair and make you feel worse than ‘this person wasn’t a match for me’ and even if it starts to look like a pattern and a truth, you can’t know in the present what the future holds, don’t break your heart over something that hasn’t manifest. 

[Andrina]

Confidence, having a passion for life, and being a positive person are all qualities most people are drawn to. 

When Meetup.com activities start happening again, I'd try those out. It's less stressful than OLD, and regardless if there's someone there you're interested in or not, you can enjoy the activity with a group of people in your age range. I know in my area, those groups meet up for kayaking, hiking, festivals, meeting for happy hour.

If you're eating dinner with a woman, it's best to adjust your mindset which will show in your demeanor/expression. Instead of wondering if she's "the one" or anything else of significance, think of it as enjoying a person's company during a good meal and don't think beyond that. It will likely relax you.

I had to go on dates with OLD for more than two years with about 30 men. Either one or both of us didn't want more than one date. It's a lot of frustration before you find the one where you get each other, and you're the light that shines brighter than the rest. I finally found my future husband through OLD, but tried Meetup.com shortly before I met him and really liked those experiences.

You might ask your friends to be frank with you and give you some input and constructive advice. Good luck!

[Tinydance]

I'm actually not sure if you do this but some main deal breakers for me personally in dating is when a person acts too full-on and too eager. Also overshares too much private information straight away. I understand if it's something really important that needs to be told, e.g. they have kids, a physical or mental illness, they can't biologically have kids, things like that. But I've had people on a first date tell me about their problems, their ex, things like that. I know it seems like common sense not to say these things, but many people did! 

Also another thing I find off putting is when people act too full on and move too fast. Like, after a short time texting too much or saying how much they're into me, but it's only been one or two dates. If you don't do these things then I think you're at least halfway on your way to dating success lol

Another thing that might be working against you is maybe you're too shy? I don't mean you're really quiet in conversation but maybe you don't pursue women enough? I've usually found that women (except me lol), don't want to pursue men and just wait for men to make all the moves on them. This is also because we've been told to act like this from a young age so as not to seem desperate. As such I myself actually do prefer men who are not too shy.  One time I went on six long dates with this really shy and inexperienced guy. I had to make all the moves and he kind of just froze. After six dates we never even kissed. I asked him what was up and he realised he needs to step up and begged me to give him another chance, but to be honest I already friend zoned him by then because too much time had passed with nothing romantic happening at all. I think you may be getting friend zoned because you're not flirting with women or asking them on more dates?

I mean, it's hard to know without having more context. How do you do dating? Online dating? Or you just meet women in everyday life? With online dating, most of it is only one or two dates and doesn't go anywhere. It's the same for me as a woman as well.

[Rose Mosse]

Do you drive? Drivers license and vehicle. Have a passport? 

Generally people are looking for others who have similar interests. Your picker might be off or you're dating women who may be attractive but don't have the same interests you do (going for a type but having blinders to the rest). There are a lot of hit and misses out there also. Take your time. 

[Brice]

I don’t think I’m shy.   I’m private but I have been trying the last few years of being more open.  I have a drivers licence, my own car, my own place etc.  

[Rose Mosse]

You may be a bit more reserved than others. That's fine. You don't have to conform to whatever others are doing. Just be yourself and remember to smile. You may be intimidating to people who don't have their life together so just stay humble and don't get too down! You mentioned getting depressed about this.

Take a break and return to your hobbies and interests and keep up with your friends as also mentioned above. 

 

 

[Brice]

There are no hobbies available...it’s covid. Plus I have an arm injury, all of my hobbies involve sports and using my arm which I can’t.  

[Brice]

Also all my friends live everywhere but where I am, and they all are busy with their lives and families.  It’s kinda just me

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, Brice said:

Also all my friends live everywhere but where I am, and they all are busy with their lives and families.  It’s kinda just me

How many have you asked whether they know of any suitable women to introduce you to? Do you do any virtual volunteer work? In person?

[SooSad33]

Maybe you are just overwhelmed with it... and need to relax in this area... One can try & try for months 😞 

How about stop trying so much?  No expectations and just go with the flow.

IF you are 'trying' to find someone out there via dating sites, that is so hard to do... women get hit on continously and you will get rejected continously = not much success.

You can just end up running into a nice, single gal in a line up or in a coffee shop.. you never know 😉 

So, just carry on.. hang with friends & family and live your life... one day it may just happen, without expectations.  It happens.

And as mentioned, don't be overly giving or eager.

[Brice]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

How many have you asked whether they know of any suitable women to introduce you to? Do you do any virtual volunteer work? In person?

I don’t have many friends close to where I live.  I do a lot of volunteer work before covid it was in person, since all virtual obviously. 

[Brice]

2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Maybe you are just overwhelmed with it... and need to relax in this area... One can try & try for months 😞 

How about stop trying so much?  No expectations and just go with the flow.

IF you are 'trying' to find someone out there via dating sites, that is so hard to do... women get hit on continously and you will get rejected continously = not much success.

You can just end up running into a nice, single gal in a line up or in a coffee shop.. you never know 😉 

So, just carry on.. hang with friends & family and live your life... one day it may just happen, without expectations.  It happens.

And as mentioned, don't be overly giving or eager.

I’m trying hard because for years and years I have left it to meeting someone along life’s path with no results.  Thus making a conserved effort.  Turns out it is chewing me up and spitting me out.  
 

I don’t live close to my friends or family so that isn’t an option either.  

[SooSad33]

Ohh k.. are you in a rough location?  Far from a lot of things?

Are you new to the area- hence who no real friends etc?

[Brice]

47 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Ohh k.. are you in a rough location?  Far from a lot of things?

Are you new to the area- hence who no real friends etc?

It’s a small city in Canada.  Relatively new here yes

[SooSad33]

Okay, so I guess that can lend a hand to your struggles.. re: lonliness & boredom?

But, there are other way to handle that.. not just seek out a woman, especially if that's not working out.. How about getting out there more.. or a hobby, etc.. Things to keep you busy?

[Brice]

24 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, so I guess that can lend a hand to your struggles.. re: lonliness & boredom?

But, there are other way to handle that.. not just seek out a woman, especially if that's not working out.. How about getting out there more.. or a hobby, etc.. Things to keep you busy?

I have lots of hobbies but my right arm is f’d up from work.  They are all playing sports or music.  Can’t do any of them at the moment.  Plus everything is basically shut down here anyway.   Can’t go out 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Brice said:

I don’t have many friends close to where I live.  I do a lot of volunteer work before covid it was in person, since all virtual obviously. 

If you want to meet people to date you have to meet people in general you have things in common with.  Since you want to date - what's your plan for networking and meeting people (I know, mostly virtual for now).  I made dating a part time job back then because I wanted marriage and  family -I did many things on my own to increase my chances, increase my dating pool.  I'm only suggesting some of the things I myself did for years.

My suggestion -give yourself a specific time each day to have a pity party and indulge in the negativity of how you believe you're being "rejected", how there's no one out there, none of your friends are helping you -on and on -I suggest ten minutes or less of this negativity/pity party focus.

Then at least 3 times a week promise yourself you will spend at least 30-45 minutes taking an action to improve your dating options.  That can include -looking for virtual volunteer opportunities where you interact with others, calling a friend or two and asking if they know anyone for you to meet -even in the future - looking into classes you can take once you are vaccinated/covid has subsided, going on an online dating site with a positive mindset and contacting someone, etc.  

[Tinydance]

Well regarding hobbies and meeting people, due to COVID that has all actually transitioned online. I'm also 36 and a single woman who wants marriage and kids. I was in a complete lockdown living alone 24/7 for six months. I spoke to friends o  social media and video calls and phone calls every day. Played online games with friends and even strangers. My hobbies actually were all going out as I'm not a homebody at all. I just had to try to adjust my hobbies to the online format. I got some real letter pen pals, started reading, arts and crafts, cooking a lot. These were actually all things I didn't do much before. Well I cooked obviously, but simply. Here I was cooking all these elaborate recipes lol

I actually was doing dating virtually as well. I was talking to people on online dating and video called a few people. Some people I did some virtual dates like watching a movie "together" at home and discussing it by texting. Also played some online games with my dates. Didn't really find anyone but I could have if something clicked! Actually I did some video speed dating events too and some Zoom Meetup events. This should all be available online during COVID so to be honest it's not really an excuse not to do anything at all.

I'm just getting the sense from your replies that you're being kind of negative. I understand you're feeling low about it right now and you're in lockdown, so obviously you might be in a pessimistic mind set right now. If you want to find a girlfriend though I think you'll really have to make an effort to get out of that negativity. Unfortunately if you feel negative and expect the worst already, that'll show in how you're communicating with women. Dating is definitely hard but if you're a nice guy with a job, car, your own place and you look fine, it shouldn't be quite this hard. My guess is it might be in how you're interacting with women. Or you just need to bump up how much you're doing dating because dating is very largely a numbers game. My best friend is beautiful and nice with a good job and even she went on dates with about 50+ guys over about 3-4 years before she found a boyfriend.

The thing is you really have to put yourself out there a lot to find someone. Some of it is luck as well. I've been in a few two year relationships and some a bit shorter, like 1.5 years or a number of months. I've lived with one partner for a year and was engaged. However never actually married or been in a relationship and longer than two years. Only one of my close friends is married with kids but I suppose a few of my friends don't actually want marriage and kids at all. 

I'm also not sure if you're doing this but are you maybe going for women just based on the fact they're attractive? Like, do you actually have similar values and things in common with women you try to date? Because those things are really important. There's no point going on dates with someone you find cute but you don't have any common interests or common ground. 

[Brice]

5 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well regarding hobbies and meeting people, due to COVID that has all actually transitioned online. I'm also 36 and a single woman who wants marriage and kids. I was in a complete lockdown living alone 24/7 for six months. I spoke to friends o  social media and video calls and phone calls every day. Played online games with friends and even strangers. My hobbies actually were all going out as I'm not a homebody at all. I just had to try to adjust my hobbies to the online format. I got some real letter pen pals, started reading, arts and crafts, cooking a lot. These were actually all things I didn't do much before. Well I cooked obviously, but simply. Here I was cooking all these elaborate recipes lol

I actually was doing dating virtually as well. I was talking to people on online dating and video called a few people. Some people I did some virtual dates like watching a movie "together" at home and discussing it by texting. Also played some online games with my dates. Didn't really find anyone but I could have if something clicked! Actually I did some video speed dating events too and some Zoom Meetup events. This should all be available online during COVID so to be honest it's not really an excuse not to do anything at all.

I'm just getting the sense from your replies that you're being kind of negative. I understand you're feeling low about it right now and you're in lockdown, so obviously you might be in a pessimistic mind set right now. If you want to find a girlfriend though I think you'll really have to make an effort to get out of that negativity. Unfortunately if you feel negative and expect the worst already, that'll show in how you're communicating with women. Dating is definitely hard but if you're a nice guy with a job, car, your own place and you look fine, it shouldn't be quite this hard. My guess is it might be in how you're interacting with women. Or you just need to bump up how much you're doing dating because dating is very largely a numbers game. My best friend is beautiful and nice with a good job and even she went on dates with about 50+ guys over about 3-4 years before she found a boyfriend.

The thing is you really have to put yourself out there a lot to find someone. Some of it is luck as well. I've been in a few two year relationships and some a bit shorter, like 1.5 years or a number of months. I've lived with one partner for a year and was engaged. However never actually married or been in a relationship and longer than two years. Only one of my close friends is married with kids but I suppose a few of my friends don't actually want marriage and kids at all. 

I'm also not sure if you're doing this but are you maybe going for women just based on the fact they're attractive? Like, do you actually have similar values and things in common with women you try to date? Because those things are really important. There's no point going on dates with someone you find cute but you don't have any common interests or common ground. 

I appreciate your reply.  Honestly, yes I am now negative, bitter, depressed and angry.   This has happened slowly over time as every single person I met rejected me(even before I was negative about it).  Every time I got the you are such a nice guy line, so much so it is insulting to me now. I talked to a girl for 2 months almost everyday and it was really great.  I brought her flowers, we had great laughs and conversation and at the end I get, you are such a nice guy, thanks but no thanks for a second date.   
online dating has made me negative.  It feels like a cesspool made to breed that in people.   I have talked with hundreds of people over the last year.  Not one wanted a second date, negative or positive attitude me.  On dates I always try to be positive in conversation.  The negativity comes out after I get shot down time after time.   

[Brice]

14 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well regarding hobbies and meeting people, due to COVID that has all actually transitioned online. I'm also 36 and a single woman who wants marriage and kids. I was in a complete lockdown living alone 24/7 for six months. I spoke to friends o  social media and video calls and phone calls every day. Played online games with friends and even strangers. My hobbies actually were all going out as I'm not a homebody at all. I just had to try to adjust my hobbies to the online format. I got some real letter pen pals, started reading, arts and crafts, cooking a lot. These were actually all things I didn't do much before. Well I cooked obviously, but simply. Here I was cooking all these elaborate recipes lol

I actually was doing dating virtually as well. I was talking to people on online dating and video called a few people. Some people I did some virtual dates like watching a movie "together" at home and discussing it by texting. Also played some online games with my dates. Didn't really find anyone but I could have if something clicked! Actually I did some video speed dating events too and some Zoom Meetup events. This should all be available online during COVID so to be honest it's not really an excuse not to do anything at all.

I'm just getting the sense from your replies that you're being kind of negative. I understand you're feeling low about it right now and you're in lockdown, so obviously you might be in a pessimistic mind set right now. If you want to find a girlfriend though I think you'll really have to make an effort to get out of that negativity. Unfortunately if you feel negative and expect the worst already, that'll show in how you're communicating with women. Dating is definitely hard but if you're a nice guy with a job, car, your own place and you look fine, it shouldn't be quite this hard. My guess is it might be in how you're interacting with women. Or you just need to bump up how much you're doing dating because dating is very largely a numbers game. My best friend is beautiful and nice with a good job and even she went on dates with about 50+ guys over about 3-4 years before she found a boyfriend.

The thing is you really have to put yourself out there a lot to find someone. Some of it is luck as well. I've been in a few two year relationships and some a bit shorter, like 1.5 years or a number of months. I've lived with one partner for a year and was engaged. However never actually married or been in a relationship and longer than two years. Only one of my close friends is married with kids but I suppose a few of my friends don't actually want marriage and kids at all. 

I'm also not sure if you're doing this but are you maybe going for women just based on the fact they're attractive? Like, do you actually have similar values and things in common with women you try to date? Because those things are really important. There's no point going on dates with someone you find cute but you don't have any common interests or common ground. 

I always prefer things in common.  And I think there is a balance of having things in common and not.  I don’t want to share all of my hobbies with my partner.  I think time to yourself is as important as time together.   Of course I pick people I am physically attracted to.  I also pick people I am intellectually attracted to.  

[Rose Mosse]

I haven't broken an arm but I have broken a foot so I can empathize with feeling put out and frustrated with just that alone. Being isolated or having just moved to a new place will also work its way in under your skin. Can you give yourself a break working on other hobbies or interests indoors? 

People will naturally gravitate towards you with the same interests/loves/goals if you find some motivation to go about doing what you love to do. When I'm feeling down about everything else going on, I go inward and start exploring lots of fun things I've always wanted to do but didn't have time for. Maybe it's picking up a new language or watching videos or documentaries on something I've always wanted to learn. I enrolled in some courses online also at a local university last year during the pandemic and have been interested in the online discussions and assignments. All of it is related to my career, none of it is required. It's just more of topics I've wanted to learn about in a formal setting. I'll earn a new designation this June. You don't have to limit yourself to things you already know. 

Hope you feel better soon. I think you should give yourself a break and not be too hard on yourself with the dating situation.