I fell in love with a man who hates me

[ThisGirlOverWirl]

Hi everyone. I need a little advice, and some time to vent. 

 

So, I had a guy I was friends with for a little bit. We would talk on the phone almost every other day. Our phone conversations would last for hours at a time. As time progressed, I fell for him. I thought he fell for me too.

I truly fell in love, and I thought he felt it too. He even made a promise to spend Christmas with me. At some point, he told me he won't get this condo that he really wanted, and that it was originally because of not having two years of taxes. So when he told me that, I went to the store and bought a bunch of materials to make a cute house model that lights up with a sign on the front yard that says "SOLD" as a gesture telling him that one day he'll have his dream home and that this was just a small obstacle. It was a surprise gift for Christmas. I ended up getting a call from him at about 12am. I was half asleep, my phone was at 15 percent, I was sleeping over at someone's home, and didn't wanna be rude. I ended up texting him 2 days later to say that I was sorry I missed his call. He always told me he was patient with missed calls and that I could just call him whenever I wanted. 

 

For a few days, I didn't hear back from him. I was worried. I then asked him if we were still spending Christmas, and he said no. I started freaking out and begging for his attention and to explain. He at first refused to explain. I then called multiple times in fear and anxiety. He finally picked up and said "I'll explain it real quick. When you call me, I either answer, text you, or call you back. When I call you, I don't hear from you for a few days. I just don't mess with people like that". Which is not true. I usually answer. I can't think of a time when I didn't, except that one night at 12am. He then said he wanted nothing to do with me. I started spiraling out of control, cried to him, told him I loved him and that I'd die at the thought of losing him. I also said contradicting things like that I don't know if I should love him because of how soon he was ready to leave me over a misunderstanding. I didn't know he wanted to talk everyday because he never made that clear. From there, he then told me to get help, and that I was never going to see him again. 

 

 

 

 

So my question is this: I want closure. I want to give him his Christmas gift with a handwritten letter explaining why I acted the way I acted, that there's no hard feelings, that I love him, and that I'm ready to move on if he is. Should I ask to meet up publicly to give the gift and closure letter, and do you think he will at least accept the invitation? Do you think he blocked me? Is it even a good idea? I made that gift for him, and only him. It took weeks of conceptualizing, designing, and constructing to make the house. Should I? 

[LootieTootie]

How old are you guys? 

To your question, I think you need to walk away. Reason is because you didn't owe him an explanation why you didn't call him or text him back ASAP. You guys are friends.

Also I think you my dear need to figure yourself out. You're expressing contradictory comments because you've been subjecting yourself to this quasi-romantic relationship with a friend. In the future just know that you need to address the situation if feelings are developing. Obviously feelings between you two were growing and neither one of you were addressing the elephant in the room. In relationships, regardless if it's a friendship or romantic one, communication is key.

Don't beat yourself up. This guy was mean to you because he was hurt over something he shouldn't have even been hurt about. He is LAME.

In the future, if a guy you are dating is interested in you and wants a future with you, they will be more than fine with you taking a few days to respond to them.

[boltnrun]

How much time did the two of you spend together in person?

[ThisGirlOverWirl]

1 hour ago, LootieTootie said:

How old are you guys? 

To your question, I think you need to walk away. Reason is because you didn't owe him an explanation why you didn't call him or text him back ASAP. You guys are friends.

Also I think you my dear need to figure yourself out. You're expressing contradictory comments because you've been subjecting yourself to this quasi-romantic relationship with a friend. In the future just know that you need to address the situation if feelings are developing. Obviously feelings between you two were growing and neither one of you were addressing the elephant in the room. In relationships, regardless if it's a friendship or romantic one, communication is key.

Don't beat yourself up. This guy was mean to you because he was hurt over something he shouldn't have even been hurt about. He is LAME.

In the future, if a guy you are dating is interested in you and wants a future with you, they will be more than fine with you taking a few days to respond to them.

I apologize that I didn't add this, but at some point I did address it. I was worried I would want to sleep with him and break my celibacy. My apartment isn't shared. It even has a private entrance, so we would be totally alone if he came to my home on Christmas night. I told him "I have to be honest with you. I don't want you coming to my home anymore. Let's do this in public somewhere because I think you'd be the one I'd make a mistake with" (aka sex). He then replied "It wouldn't be a mistake". So that's when I knew he loved me back. 

 

The only reason why I expressed contradicting feelings was because he himself was expressing contradictions. He told me he broke up with his ex because she accused him of cheating when he refused to text her or call her when he wanted which is extremely hypocritical for him to be mad at me when I'm not even dating him. Next, he then expressed semi romantic things like that he basically wanted me to move in with him to his new condo when he gets it.

 

He made a promise to spend Christmas with me, and broke it. For my emotional healing, I will not be able to move on fully without giving him his gift and the closure letter just because we did express wanting a future together. To have something so beautiful like that end so abruptly sounds so wrong. If it has to end, I would want to end it on a good note. And the closure letter is very detailed, and I'm proud of how I articulated myself in it. I did spend a lot of time making this gift. I would want to give it to him.

[LootieTootie]

2 minutes ago, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

I told him "I have to be honest with you. I don't want you coming to my home anymore. Let's do this in public somewhere because I think you'd be the one I'd make a mistake with" (aka sex). He then replied "It wouldn't be a mistake". So that's when I knew he loved me back. 

I don't think this is love. More like jackpot jubilation when you said how you felt. 

I'm guessing you two are young and that's okay. Hormones. Inability to clearly define your relationship. Tons of trivial misunderstandings.

I'm sure you care about him but honestly, count your blessings! You dodged a bullet, sister. First, he got upset at you when he shouldn't have been. This made him look unhinged and controlling. Secondly, instead of listening to you, he dismissed you and said you need help - not a friend or boyfriend material if you ask me. Third, you asked for clarification and even tried to make amends but he doesn't want it. This guy has a big ego and guys with big egos are really just insecure.

So look on the bright side. The not so bright side is healing/recovery. I know you said you need closure and I used to be one of those people who did that to, but I found out that Closures never brought Closures. The best way to move on from a break-up for me is to go straight to no-contact - amazing how quicker I rebound emotionally and mentally. I personally would tell you to keep your letter and keep your house.  Treat this as a break up and proceed to heal from it by taking time and space away from this guy.

[ThisGirlOverWirl]

16 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

I don't think this is love. More like jackpot jubilation when you said how you felt. 

I'm guessing you two are young and that's okay. Hormones. Inability to clearly define your relationship. Tons of trivial misunderstandings.

I'm sure you care about him but honestly, count your blessings! You dodged a bullet, sister. First, he got upset at you when he shouldn't have been. This made him look unhinged and controlling. Secondly, instead of listening to you, he dismissed you and said you need help - not a friend or boyfriend material if you ask me. Third, you asked for clarification and even tried to make amends but he doesn't want it. This guy has a big ego and guys with big egos are really just insecure.

So look on the bright side. The not so bright side is healing/recovery. I know you said you need closure and I used to be one of those people who did that to, but I found out that Closures never brought Closures. The best way to move on from a break-up for me is to go straight to no-contact - amazing how quicker I rebound emotionally and mentally. I personally would tell you to keep your letter and keep your house.  Treat this as a break up and proceed to heal from it by taking time and space away from this guy.

I appreciate the advice. Thank you. Honestly though, looking at the gift I made for him everyday is just going to hurt me. What do I do with it? Sell it? 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately you seem much too overinvested in this.

He is rather controlling. Stop chasing him.  Calm down. 

It seems like you are in love with the idea of being in love more so than what's really going on between you.

[ThisGirlOverWirl]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately you seem much too overinvested in this.

He is rather controlling. Stop chasing him.  Calm down. 

It seems like you are in love with the idea of being in love more so than what's really going on between you.

I don't want to be with him anymore. All I want is to end what we had in a more positive way. Not with him yelling and being mean to me over the phone, and me crying uncontrollably. It should end peacefully. Then, once I've given him his gift and letter, I'll just block him. 

[Wiseman2]

Giving people gifts after a breakup is considered stalking. You need to let go. It's not about closure or how things "should" end.

He's a controlling abusive man. Do not chase that sort of thing.

Do not contact him. You could get a restraining order issued against you.

Give the gift to someone else. Talk to trusted friends and family.

Make an appointment with a physician and get evaluated for the moods and a referral to a therapist.

 

[SooSad33]

53 minutes ago, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

t. I told him "I have to be honest with you. I don't want you coming to my home anymore. Let's do this in public somewhere because I think you'd be the one I'd make a mistake with" (aka sex). He then replied "It wouldn't be a mistake". So that's when I knew he loved me back

This does not mean 'love'.. it means he's up for sex.  That's the fun, easy part...

54 minutes ago, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

The only reason why I expressed contradicting feelings was because he himself was expressing contradictions. He told me he broke up with his ex because she accused him of cheating when he refused to text her or call her when he wanted which is extremely hypocritical for him to be mad at me when I'm not even dating him. Next, he then expressed semi romantic things like that he basically wanted me to move in with him to his new condo when he gets it.

Not sure how long you 2 have known each other.. or when he broke it off with his ex.

But I dont feel he is too 'stable' in order to move on into another relationship with you.

To get mad at you over time lapse of phone calls?  Almost feels like he is still acting in form of 'venting at his ex'... (not good).

I am sorry YOU caught feelings.. (that is you).  Does not mean he is in the same boat.

YOU have been his emotional pillow (someone to vent/release/ rely on I think. (especially if they split not long before you came along) - just another way of using someone.

[ThisGirlOverWirl]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Giving people gifts after a breakup is considered stalking. You need to let go. It's not about closure or how things "should" end.

He's a controlling abusive man. Do not chase that sort of thing.

Do not contact him. You could get a restraining order issued against you.

Give the gift to someone else. Talk to trusted friends and family.

Make an appointment with a physician and get evaluated for the moods and a referral to a therapist.

 

Why would I get a restraining order against me if I'm asking to meet in public? He could just block me if he hasn't already. Also, I don't need therapy.

[ThisGirlOverWirl]

16 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

This does not mean 'love'.. it means he's up for sex.  That's the fun, easy part...

Not sure how long you 2 have known each other.. or when he broke it off with his ex.

But I dont feel he is too 'stable' in order to move on into another relationship with you.

To get mad at you over time lapse of phone calls?  Almost feels like he is still acting in form of 'venting at his ex'... (not good).

I am sorry YOU caught feelings.. (that is you).  Does not mean he is in the same boat.

YOU have been his emotional pillow (someone to vent/release/ rely on I think. (especially if they split not long before you came along) - just another way of using someone.

True. I see it now.

 

Yeah. He never loved me. He definitely was using me. Yeah. I did catch feelings. This isn't fair either way. I still made a gift for him, and it sits in my closet collecting dust. Why would it be such a bad thing to give him his gift in public and then just block him though? I'm not understanding that part. I refuse to let my hard work go to waste. This isn't something I can return to the store. If it was, it would have been a different story, and I would have moved on by now. 

[SooSad33]

14 minutes ago, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

This isn't fair either way. I still made a gift for him, and it sits in my closet collecting dust. Why would it be such a bad thing to give him his gift in public and then just block him though? I'm not understanding that part. I refuse to let my hard work go to waste.

No, is not always 'fair'.. stuff happens and it so hard when emotions come into play.

As for that gift, can you not just drop it off for him? So he gets it when he gets home or something?

with a little note saying 'here' i made this- for you'.. then be done. 

Leave him be and don't play his mind games.

[ThisGirlOverWirl]

9 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

No, is not always 'fair'.. stuff happens and it so hard when emotions come into play.

As for that gift, can you not just drop it off for him? So he gets it when he gets home or something?

with a little note saying 'here' i made this- for you'.. then be done. 

Leave him be and don't play his mind games.

That's stalking. I have no right going to his house without warning. I also forgot to mention this, but he said if I "get help", I can talk to him again which is an indication he does wanna talk. However, I'm not going to get help that I don't even need, so I'm not about to subject myself to thousands of dollars in debt to get something that's not needed. I would much rather just message him directly to give it to him in person, and get my closure so I can finally move on from his needy tendencies. The best part about asking him is because he himself gets to make the decision if he wants to do this or not. If he says no, it's gonna hurt me, but at least he answered. 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

That's stalking. I have no right going to his house without warning. I also forgot to mention this, but he said if I "get help"

Isn't this saying enough?  If I had a guy tell me something like this, I surely would NOT be seeking him out anymore.

To drop something off is not stalking.  You are not hanging out/bothering him/ harassing him.

This is stalking.. "Stalking can be defined as the willful and repeated following, watching or harassing of another person. Unlike other crimes, which usually involve one act, stalking is a series of actions that occur over a period of time."

[Jibralta]

6 hours ago, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

All I want is to end what we had in a more positive way.

You can't change the past. You have to accept that your relationship ended in a negative way. There are no re-dos. He was an ass.

Don't make supplications to an ass. It will just make you feel worse.

7 hours ago, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

For my emotional healing, I will not be able to move on fully without giving him his gift and the closure letter just because we did express wanting a future together.

You may not want to move on, but you are definitely able to move on. If you insist on dragging your heels over this gift and letter, you will only be spiting yourself. You have to hold your head high and walk away proudly into the future. Closure will come. You can cling to the gift and the letter all you want, but that's all BS and it will be your own fault if you don't move on. 

7 hours ago, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

I don't want you coming to my home anymore. Let's do this in public somewhere because I think you'd be the one I'd make a mistake with" (aka sex). He then replied "It wouldn't be a mistake". So that's when I knew he loved me back. 

That is not a sign of love. That is a sign of his intention to have sex with you. Not the same thing as love.

6 hours ago, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

Honestly though, looking at the gift I made for him everyday is just going to hurt me. What do I do with it? Sell it? 

Yes, or give it to charity.

6 hours ago, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

Why would it be such a bad thing to give him his gift in public and then just block him though? I'm not understanding that part.

Because you are just prolonging your own pain, and exposing yourself to more ridicule from him. The gift is meaningless to him. The relationship was meaningless to him. 

Be a friend to yourself, not an enemy.

6 hours ago, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

I refuse to let my hard work go to waste. This isn't something I can return to the store. If it was, it would have been a different story, and I would have moved on by now. 

No. Your healing has nothing to do with that gift. You're just making excuses. For all you know, he might smash that little house like he smashed your relationship. Would that make you feel good? 

You have to draw a line and move on. Otherwise, this will keep dragging on. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

That's stalking. I have no right going to his house without warning.. 

That's correct. It's stalking and creepy.

Donate the gift to needy children. They deserve it more.

Let go. Closure is the breakup itself.

You're hoping this gift will make him take you back. It won't. It will be creepy if anything that you can't let go and made him the center of your universe like this.

You'll have to accept that you were overinvolved and overinvested. 

He's a bad person. Be glad you dodged a bullet. Run From this, not into this.

 

[ThisGirlOverWirl]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

You're hoping this gift will make him take you back.

 

I didn't say I want him back. I just don't want my hard work going to waste. No I'm not giving it to kids because it's not a toy. It's a professionally designed and constructed house model. 

 

 

I really was hoping someone could convince me into not doing it because I was questioning if it was a bad idea, but I'm now thinking maybe you guys just had bad experiences in the past, and you're projecting it onto others. Doesn't necessarily mean I'll have a bad experience. You guys don't know everything that happened in our friendship. There shouldn't be any harm in me just texting him. If he says no, alright. The worst he could do to me is say no.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

No I'm not giving it to kids because it's not a toy. It's a professionally designed and constructed house model. 

Ok, donate to a school or college for architecture.

[ThisGirlOverWirl]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, donate to a school or college for architecture.

No. I'll message him first to see if he even wants to. If he says no, no harm done. Then I'll just use it myself. 

[ThisGirlOverWirl]

3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

 

No. Your healing has nothing to do with that gift. You're just making excuses. For all you know, he might smash that little house like he smashed your relationship. Would that make you feel good? 

You have to draw a line and move on. Otherwise, this will keep dragging on. 

I don't know why you would want to put the worst case scenario of him smashing my house model into my mind. It doesn't make sense, because if he doesn't want it, he would just not agree to meet up. It's not like I'm going to his house and leaving it there. If he says yes to meet up with me, I don't see the harm. 

[boltnrun]

How much time did you spend with him in person?

I vote no on giving him the gift. Why see him now? I promise you'll feel worse when he either declines to see you or doesn't react to the gift the way you're hoping he will.

[lostandhurt]

What I see is you looking to him to give you closure.  Closure is something you give yourself.

 Give the gift to someone else or charity, stop trying to convince him not to hate you (I doubt he does) and put this behind you.  There are a lot of life lessons to be learned here so focus on them so the next time you will be in a way better place.

This is all very messy like most break ups and it needs to stop somewhere and that is with you.

 Lost

[ThisGirlOverWirl]

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How much time did you spend with him in person?

I vote no on giving him the gift. Why see him now? I promise you'll feel worse when he either declines to see you or doesn't react to the gift the way you're hoping he will.

Welp, the worst he could do is say no. I feel bad already, so it's either I'm gonna feel the same, or feel better. Really nothing to lose from this. I really was seeing if somebody could talk me out of all of this, but honestly, my feelings are solidified because it really does seem like I could be talking to people with bad experiences, and are just projecting their bad experiences onto others. My friends have always said "The worst they could do is say no. What do you have to lose?" 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

I don't know why you would want to put the worst case scenario of him smashing my house model into my mind. 

Send him a picture. See what the response is. If there's no response or a negative response, donate it, give it to a friend or simply keep it.