I fell in love with a man who hates me

[ThisGirlOverWirl]

3 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

What I see is you looking to him to give you closure.  Closure is something you give yourself.

 Give the gift to someone else or charity, stop trying to convince him not to hate you (I doubt he does) and put this behind you.  There are a lot of life lessons to be learned here so focus on them so the next time you will be in a way better place.

This is all very messy like most break ups and it needs to stop somewhere and that is with you.

 Lost

I'm sorry, and thanks for the advice, but my heart really is saying to do this. I don't know why it is. I came on here thinking I'd get talked out of it, but then I realized most of you might be single, or have just had bad experiences. I apologize if that comes off any kind of way, but yeah. The worst he could do is say no to meeting up. So it's either I'm gonna continue being sad, or I could be happier at least getting the kind of closure I wanted. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

The worst he could do is say no to meeting up. 

An in-person meeting is not advisable. Send a pic, see what the response is.

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

Welp, the worst he could do is say no. I feel bad already, so it's either I'm gonna feel the same, or feel better. Really nothing to lose from this. I really was seeing if somebody could talk me out of all of this, but honestly, my feelings are solidified because it really does seem like I could be talking to people with bad experiences, and are just projecting their bad experiences onto others. My friends have always said "The worst they could do is say no. What do you have to lose?" 

How much time did you spend with him in person? I have to presume since you won't answer the question the answer is "none".

Everyone says they would be fine if they are ignored after reaching out and every single one of them comes back to say they feel even worse afterward. But of course if you've already decided then there's no point in giving an opinion.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

 I came on here thinking I'd get talked out of it, but then I realized most of you might be single, or have just had bad experiences.

Could you explain your point here? You don't wish to be "talked out of it". Can you discuss it with trusted friends and family?

[lostandhurt]

13 minutes ago, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

I'm sorry, and thanks for the advice, but my heart really is saying to do this. I don't know why it is. I came on here thinking I'd get talked out of it, but then I realized most of you might be single, or have just had bad experiences. I apologize if that comes off any kind of way, but yeah. The worst he could do is say no to meeting up. So it's either I'm gonna continue being sad, or I could be happier at least getting the kind of closure I wanted. 

I don't think it is our place to talk you in or out of anything, just to point out things and have you at least consider them before deciding.  

Yes many of us have been hurt and some of us are single like you but that gives us experience.   Do as you like but when it doesn't turn out the way you would like it to go feel free to come back here for help in healing and moving on.  If anyone tells you "I told you so" just ignore them.

Best wishes and good luck

  Lost

PS  I am guessing you are pretty young, am I correct?

[ThisGirlOverWirl]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How much time did you spend with him in person? I have to presume since you won't answer the question the answer is "none".

Everyone says they would be fine if they are ignored after reaching out and every single one of them comes back to say they feel even worse afterward. But of course if you've already decided then there's no point in giving an opinion.

I just don't wanna take advice from people who clearly only have bad experiences to project, and no good experiences. An engaged woman shouldn't ask a single person for advice on her engagement being broken off. 

[ThisGirlOverWirl]

12 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

I don't think it is our place to talk you in or out of anything, just to point out things and have you at least consider them before deciding.  

Yes many of us have been hurt and some of us are single like you but that gives us experience.   Do as you like but when it doesn't turn out the way you would like it to go feel free to come back here for help in healing and moving on.  If anyone tells you "I told you so" just ignore them.

Best wishes and good luck

  Lost

Thank you for your kindness and understanding 

[ThisGirlOverWirl]

I am very grateful that I've been graced with all of the concerns and advice. However, I would just like to point out that when I came on here for advice, I was looking for advice where all of the possible outcomes to me doing this could be discussed. Not one person on here said anything about the possible positive outcomes from me doing this, which is an indication that you all have personal problems and feelings you have to sort out before influencing another person's decisions. Millions of people have written closure letters to their exes days, weeks, months, or even years later and have gotten very positive responses. For example, Mowry from The Real Show wrote a letter to one of her exes a year later. Than another year went by, and her ex called to tell her he was thankful for the letter and that it made him a better man. Here's the video.

 

https://youtu.be/5fnIVfDDxwc

 

And that's not just one example. Google it. There's millions of positive examples.

 

Yes, it is important to discuss the negative outcomes from doing such a vulnerable act, but it is also important to discuss the positives. You have to learn to be open to all possibilities, or most of you will continue to feel empty, or hurt. I apologize if that comes off any kind of way. I'm just really disappointed that I didn't get a fair discussion on the topic. Everything was negative. A negative mind won't give you a positive life. 

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

I don't know why you would want to put the worst case scenario of him smashing my house model into my mind.

Is that really a worst case scenario? If it's so valuable to you, why don't you keep it? You put a lot of thought and consideration into that gift.

I'm sure you put a similar amount of thought and consideration into your relationship with this guy.

He didn't appreciate it. He doesn't appreciate your thought and consideration. 

Why throw good money after bad?

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

I want to give him his Christmas gift with a handwritten letter explaining why I acted the way I acted, that there's no hard feelings, that I love him, and that I'm ready to move on if he is. 

It's really up to you to decide what you think is right.

[ThisGirlOverWirl]

52 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Is that really a worst case scenario? If it's so valuable to you, why don't you keep it? You put a lot of thought and consideration into that gift.

I'm sure you put a similar amount of thought and consideration into your relationship with this guy.

He didn't appreciate it. He doesn't appreciate your thought and consideration. 

Why throw good money after bad?

Well because my emotional spirit towards him is literally living in that house. If he destroys it, my spirit will be homeless, so. Also, it only cost me like 6-10 dollars to make this model. It's not about the money I spent. It's about the time. I just know how to use materials and know how to spend hours and days on projects to make them look expensive. 

 

Also, I really don't even wanna talk about this anymore if all you guys can tell me is negative outcomes.

[LootieTootie]

A lot of us here are older than you so we have experiences in what we say. In the end it's your choice to take the advices on here or not. Also I've dated guys that are just like this friend of yours. Insecure and when things go wrong, they become mean and will tell you "you're the crazy one." My favorite... "calm down." But as I got older, I was able to sort out my feelings and put things in perspective. I did eventually find a man who I am now married to that is very secure, respectful, loving and communicative. How did I find him? I stopped wasting my time wondering about the douche bags that entered my life.

All I am saying is don't beat yourself up and grow from it. You are going to see that time wasted on jerks are just that... time wasted! You can be having fun with friends and family and looking happy and attracting lots of guys with your beaming smile. One of those guys will treat you right and won't blow up on you because of something so insignificant.

 

[Cynder]

I haven't read all the replies.  I just read your original post, so sorry if I missed something.  Someone like this isn't going to put effort in to give you any closure.  You have to find your own closure.  I know it's not easy because my last ex hated me too toward the end of the relationship.  I broke up with him and I had to just wash my hands of it and walk away.  This guy sounds like a scumbag from what you wrote.  I would just cut contact and have nothing more to do with him. 

[1a1a]

If I had made something awesome for the boy I loved and in between me making it and me giving it to him he did a 180 and completely rejected me, I think I’d keep that thing for myself. Even worse than receiving it and smashing it would be the scenario where it is received and the receiver is completely ambivalent about it. It becomes clutter in their house and it’s awesomeness is wasted. I have a lot of trouble letting go of things though. 
 

If you have no such troubles then give it and consider giving it a symbolic act of giving him away too (as you release the model house out of your control and into the universe so too do you release the boy that wasn’t meant to be your partner.) Or release the house to the op shop and in doing so also release the boy. I’m sorry he did such an abrupt turn around on you. 
 

I’d also contemplate, when you are interested in someone keeping up regular communication might be an integral part of maintaining the connection with them. Why was there the gap between contacts long enough to make him think twice about your interest? (Also not saying you have to talk to people a lot when you’re interested, it could be that’s not so important to you but in that case your good match to date will have a similar communication style to you and not get freaked out by silence). 

[maritalbliss86]

On 1/13/2021 at 8:53 PM, ThisGirlOverWirl said:

I was half asleep, my phone was at 15 percent, I was sleeping over at someone's home, and didn't wanna be rude. I ended up texting him 2 days later to say that I was sorry I missed his call.

Ok... If I was a guy, this sounds like you were sleeping with some other man!  I know I may be crazy... but waiting for 2 days to get back to him, and then not calling him, but instead texting him, I think he has a reason to pull back and that would seem rational.  Maybe he's still wounded from his ex and it's clouding the way he sees rejections, but that was a very real rejection.

Even if you were just at a friend's house... you could have texted him there saying you where you were, and that you couldn't talk because you'd wake people up.  Or you could have texted him the next morning... or day... or called....  You chose not to, and that is a rejection of him.  If he's still getting over an ex hurting him, he may not be able to trust you're unlike the ex.

Moving forward with other relationships, maybe just be courteous and return a call or text the next day? 

And realize that if you tell them you were sleeping over at someone else's place (and that's why they didn't hear from you for days), that may sound to them like you're sleeping at another man's place, and so didn't want to be on the phone with him.  

[boltnrun]

I think putting so much effort into someone you never met isn't a good idea. You were not a couple. And that's why I don't advise meeting with him to give him the gift. But I see you are planning to ask him to meet. It will be interesting to see if he finally agrees to meet you in person.

[No1]

Closure is important if you believe its important. Otherwise it is not needed to move on from a relationship. You wanting to give him a gift for "closure" is really more for you than it is for him. In all honesty why would he want a gift or a reminder of a girl he broke up with or is no longer dating? Do you think he would keep it and have to explain to the next girl he dates what it is and that you were just an X? It will most likely end up in the trash. So if you spent some time on it, then just give it to someone else, or sell it on Etsy or something. 

I have read that you dont want him anymore, then you must put your actions and words together. Purge him from your life. Get rid of any text messages, DMs, emails, comments, and also get rid of any promises that were made during the relationship because none of that matters. You are still thinking about the Christmas promise and to me that is fueling your need for closure. Just let things go. You dont need him in your life anymore, he doesnt need you, he is going to be okay and you are going to be okay. So there is no sense of expending anymore thoughts or energy about him. You two dated, had fun and it ended. It didnt work out and just leave it at that. Youll be okay if you do that.