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I am a 23 year old female . I grew up within the African culture where spanking your child is okay , you got spanked at school at home so that was the norm. Moving to US was different , and I have always felt ok with being disciplined  if I had done something wrong but I feel like there is things that are too far . While in highschool I was in the soccer team , both of my parents were very overprotective, I couldn’t really do anything hangout with friends , i had to lie even when I was going to hangout with my best friend sometimes. One time after school I had forgotten to mention that I had soccer practice and when I got home my father called me and my little brother to the bedroom and he was asking us why we didn’t let him know and it turned into a lecture he then proceeded to say “understood?” I was looking down at the floor and didn’t answer his question or say yes I understand ,next thing I know he stands up and put his hands on my neck and pushes me against the closet door and I answer yes. I had bruising on my neck and I remember the next day was church day and I got in the car with my dad and he promised never to do it again. So I let it go , nearing the end of my senior year in highschool I was getting into makeup and just enjoyed learning and putting on makeup . My dad did not like this as he somehow associated me starting to put on makeup with somehow me getting pregnant. Graduation day came and I put on make up and went for the ceremony . After we were going out to eat and the whole time my father complained about the makeup , and still associating it with me somehow ending up getting pregnant because of makeup , he then compares me to my biological mother and said some nasty things . The day was ruined for me and so I said I won’t be joining them for dinner , he came rushing back into the house pushed me on the bed and he put his hands on my neck and I remember the only thing I could do was bite his thumb, he was strangling me telling me I should stop being rude and just obey him and that the makeup is making me this way .  After this event I had a swollen eye and nail marks all over my neck . Recently when I went home for the holidays he questioned why our relationship isn’t the best and I explained everything to him he then changed it up and said that never happened and that all he did was just place his hands on my neck and he didn’t press .  He then proceeded to tell me to leave the house as I am the one causing problems in the family , he then mentions God and says it is the Christian thing to do to remove me from the family as I have disrespected him by speaking up . I left and haven’t spoken to him he recently sent me a message using God again saying he had a vision and wants me home for Xmas and he is the the man of the house , that I should listen and God had talked to him and If I don’t return then I will face distraction. I declined and said I won’t be coming back. The thing that frustrates me is my African family wants me to be the one to apologize because he is my father . He claims he never told me to leave and that he was giving me a “time out” to go back to my place and think about what I had done by disrespecting him . Denies ever asking me to leave , when he said words like “it’s the Christian thing to do to remove the bad seed from the family so the family can grow and he proceeded to tell me to leave and I did , my brother joined me . Every wrong he does he denies and says it never happened and at the end of the day I end up being blamed for everything as I am the oldest child of the family . 

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15 minutes ago, Babe210 said:

I am a 23 year old female .

he then compares me to my biological mother and said some nasty things 

.Recently when I went home for the holidays 

 I left and haven’t spoken to him .I declined and said I won’t be coming back. 

Where is your mother? Do you live on your own now?

You're making the right choice distancing yourself.

You can't argue or negotiate with an abuser. Denying the abuse is part of the abuse.

Don't even bother getting into those conversations or trying to enlighten him or heal things.

The best thing you can do is talk to a therapist about this upbringing and stop hiding the abuse under the cloak of "it's ok in your culture". 

Keep your distance and change the subject if family want you to keep jumping into abuse. 

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5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Where is your mother? Do you live on your own now?

You're making the right choice distancing yourself.

You can't argue or negotiate with an abuser. Denying the abuse is part of the abuse.

Don't even bother getting into those conversations or trying to enlighten him or heal things.

The best thing you can do is talk to a therapist about this upbringing and stop hiding the abuse under the cloak of "it's ok in your culture". 

Keep your distance and change the subject if family want you to keep jumping into abuse. 

My mother is back home in Africa. Here I am with my step mom , I have started looking for a therapist and I am in the process of getting one . And yes I currently stay on my own and I plan on continue to keep that distance 

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Good that you are going to get a therapist.  Your father is a product of his upbringing, doing the things he learned as a child in his own family.  You won't win with him, so dont even try.  Stay in your own place, live your own life.  A good therapist can help you adjust and move on.  You should never return to an abusive situation.

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I am so sorry that this has happened.  He is distorting the bible to his favor-certainly not Christian behavior.  I am sorry to say that this is cultural and those things are hard to change, as he would have to do some serious reflection and growth.  You did the right thing.   Please stay away from this man as all he will bring is misery

I am happy to hear that your brother joined. Are there other siblings?

Does the family know that he strangled you?  You are living with your step mom?

Edited by Hollyj
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