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Ex texts and calls me 10 days after Break Up


SupernovaA

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My ex broke up with me 10 days ago. Relationship lasted 4 months, in the last month we started fighting. I was often unhappy, thought that he doesn't love me, and would start a fight over small things. Now I realise how unhealthy my behaviour was. 

The last fight we had was a huge one, with me going to his place to pick up all the presents I made for him, him not wanting to talk to me or see me, and both of us cried a lot in the end. It was a hard week for him, he had his exams, his family had money problems and his granddad died. After that fight I changed my behaviour completely, tried to support him as much as I could, I apologised as well. But it was too late - he broke up with me after 3-4 days. 

Said that he felt like a horrible person, but that we couldn't go on like this. That we fight too often. That nothing could be improved anymore and he can't make me happy. 

I apologised for my behaviour again, said that I should have been more supportive. Said "ok" and went away. Our break up conversation lasted only 5 min.

In the evening he writes: 

"I know I shouldn't write to you anymore. But I can't do it any other way. I don't want to hurt you the same way all the time. I have never been able to show you my feelings in the right way, the way it was needed to be. I am so eternally grateful for our time together. But I know you will never be truly happy with me. I know it was the stupidest decision of my life because I will never meet someone as beautiful and loving as you. But I think it's better in the long run, because I can't hurt you like that all the time - I'd rather it happen one last time today than if it happens again."

Didn't respond anything. Then next day:

"it's driving me crazy not hearing from you. i keep wanting to call you, but i should probably just leave you alone, because you don't owe me anything, and if you don't want to answer me, that's really your right. we didn't talk about anything yesterday, though, and i'm so worried about how you're doing...i know you're much stronger than me, but still, are you going to be okay?" 

I just said that "everything ok".

Him: "thank you for telling me that! i actually have so many things i still want to say to you, and at the same time i don't know what - and words are meaningless anyway...i just don't want to make you sad anymore, that's the only thing that matters. i was reading "the little prince" at my mom's today, and it really is a wonderful, sad book, and i understand why you like it so much. if you ever want to talk to me about anything, or if you need anything, or even if you just want to tell me i'm a monster, i'm here!"

Then after 3 days another text form him: "Apparently I'm just terrible at breaking up, but I keep thinking about you all the time, how you're doing and what you're doing right now. I can't calm down because I don't know how you feel about everything that's happened. Do you also think it couldn't go on anymore because we have destroyed each other? Or do you think I'm an irrational and heartless idiot?
You said that you manage to leave ended relationships in the past very quickly, and that's a very good ability! I still have the urge to see you every day, especially in the morning and evening, I find it incredibly hard to take my mind off you. I so wish we could have met for the first time in a few years, maybe things would have worked out better and "right" then. I hope you'll write me back - I'd just love to know what you think about everything. If you text me that I shouldn't bug you anymore, that's ok too.
I know it may seem weird and you'll never take advantage of it, but I still want to tell you that if you ever need anything, I'll always be there for you! You will always mean a lot to me, and no matter what, I want you to be okay and happy!"

I didn't respond. Yesterday, after 5 days, he called me twice, but I didn't pick up. I actually felt scared. 

Don´t know that to make out of this...

 

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Do you want to try again with him? Because he's opening the door for you, if that's what you want.

In case you do decide to reply back and tell him you want to try again, you both have to sit down, admit openly what was bothering both of you.

Admit the faults you made on your and on his side and fix all of it. Don't play the blame game and place it all on one persons head. Each of you admit what you might have done that made things bad and talk through it honestly.

 Otherwise you will just be going down the same path as before.

You sound like you have a lot of love for one another and it sounds like something that can be repaired, but only if you both admit your faults and can fix together what caused the upsets in the first place.

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You blame yourself, yet you felt like he didn't care enough during the last month. And he mentions how he wishes you'd met several years from now, so he doesn't see that he'd be a good partner until that magically better time period.

People who break up without giving things time to improve don't care, so your gut feelings were right. He still cares more about himself because he knows every time you hear from him, your healing scab gets ripped away. He didn't ask to get back together in his messages. That means he's in your past, and like the saying goes: When the past comes calling, don't answer. It has nothing new to say.

He's bored right now without your attention. But believe me, when he begins dating again, reaching out to you to see if you're okay will be the last thing on his mind.

Take the reins. Either message saying you need closure and prefer he no longer contact you, or don't, but either way, block his number. You don't want yourself set back to square one every time he pokes you. The right man will never leave. Not even once.

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1 hour ago, SupernovaA said:

My ex broke up with me 10 days ago. Relationship lasted 4 months, in the last month we started fighting. I was often unhappy, thought that he doesn't love me, and would start a fight over small things.

Sorry this happened. Take some time off to process and reflect in peace. Why were you so unhappy?  Try not to renegotiate, rehash and drag out a breakup like this. Let him deal with his stuff, on his own. 

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Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Take some time off to process and reflect in peace. Why were you so unhappy?  Try not to renegotiate, rehash and drag out a breakup like this. Let him deal with his stuff, on his own. 

I was not self-confident, always needed reassurance. Was also jealous from time to time. Always wanted to know if he is "serious" enough about me or no. 

And i guess I just became too negative for him because of this 

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36 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Do you want to try again with him? Because he's opening the door for you, if that's what you want.

In case you do decide to reply back and tell him you want to try again, you both have to sit down, admit openly what was bothering both of you.

Admit the faults you made on your and on his side and fix all of it. Don't play the blame game and place it all on one persons head. Each of you admit what you might have done that made things bad and talk through it honestly.

 Otherwise you will just be going down the same path as before.

You sound like you have a lot of love for one another and it sounds like something that can be repaired, but only if you both admit your faults and can fix together what caused the upsets in the first place.

I do want us to get back, because we had really a lot in common. 

but I guess he doesn't want it - he already made his decision and now just wants to know my "opinion" and check up on me.

If he changed his mind he would let me know somehow 

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Are you sure about that? Because he seems to not get you out of his mind and he keeps contacting you.

Honestly, I would ask him if he's messaging to see if we still had a chance, or not. And if he says, no. Then I would ask him to stop contacting me as I needed to heal from it all.

I know you say you felt insecure and needed reassurance. But you also have to realize that although you should work on that, there is also a guy out there that will be more compatible with you and you will feel secure enough with, that you won't feel like you did with this guy.

He said that he wasn't good at showing his emotions to you, maybe that's why you kept feeling like he didn't care.

You needed to see and hear his feelings more, he isn't good at that sort of thing, so it caused you to worry.

That's being incompatible.

If you found a guy who was always vocal and always very open by showing you how he felt, you might not be feeling so insecure.

It's about finding the right combination.

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If he doesn't want to be together, then there is no reason to respond.   I think he is reaching out for attention, as he is having to ween himself off of you.   

 

I suggest you block and move on.  One fourth of the relationship was bad.  This will not work.   

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2 hours ago, SupernovaA said:

I was not self-confident, always needed reassurance. Was also jealous from time to time. Always wanted to know if he is "serious" enough about me or no. 

And i guess I just became too negative for him because of this 

Is that how you normally feel in every relationship or just this one? Something worth reflecting on.

Sometimes we feel insecure because our gut is trying to tell us something, because warning bells are ringing.

For just 4 months, that's a lot of drama going on. He was going cold, then he dumped you, then he is suddenly all concerned about your welfare. It's kind of arrogant of him to think that he is just so great and amazing that you can't possibly survive this break up.....don't you think? A bit of a red flag among a forest of red flags here.

At the end of the day, he isn't asking to get back together. In fact, he is telling you quite clearly that he specifically doesn't want that. All that other contact is him stroking his own ego and self importance.

If I were you, I'd remove those rose colored glasses and tell him to stop contacting you point blank. If he continues, I'd block him or even threaten him with a restraining order. When a person's behavior makes you feel nervous, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS and run for the hills. His actions are not normal to put it politely and more self absorbed than caring.

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2 hours ago, SherrySher said:

Are you sure about that? Because he seems to not get you out of his mind and he keeps contacting you.

Honestly, I would ask him if he's messaging to see if we still had a chance, or not. And if he says, no. Then I would ask him to stop contacting me as I needed to heal from it all.

I know you say you felt insecure and needed reassurance. But you also have to realize that although you should work on that, there is also a guy out there that will be more compatible with you and you will feel secure enough with, that you won't feel like you did with this guy.

He said that he wasn't good at showing his emotions to you, maybe that's why you kept feeling like he didn't care.

You needed to see and hear his feelings more, he isn't good at that sort of thing, so it caused you to worry.

That's being incompatible.

If you found a guy who was always vocal and always very open by showing you how he felt, you might not be feeling so insecure.

It's about finding the right combination.

today he called again and wrote:

"Pick up, during our fights in relationship we have discussed every aspect and now I still don't know what you think about everything... I need to know it, otherwise I don't feel relieved..." 

I picked up the phone.

him: - thanks for picking up, I just wanted to know how are you, what do you think about everything. I went through all emotional stages in these days...

me: - I think nothing

him: - oh okay.. during our fights we always discussed everything

me: - I don't think that we need this conversation 

him: - fine, then I won't bother you anymore.. but are you doing okay? 

me: - I am fine, no worries 

him: - If you ever need anything, you can always call me etc..

me: - sorry, I don't have much time now, have to go

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14 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Good for you for shutting that down.

Notice how he talked about what HE wanted from you. He just doesn't want to view himself as the bad guy. That is selfish of him.

I would text him asking him to stop contacting you.

After I´ve said that we don't need to talk about this, he said "ok, then he is not going to bother me anymore"

so I don't think I will hear from him again...

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