My ex can’t decide what he wants

[Ash90120]

So around 3 weeks ago my ex broke up with me. I was blindsided. Everything was perfect in my eyes. He basically said that he has doubts about us, and doesn’t know if it’s right. He said that he can’t get past these doubts even though we have a great relationship and are like best friends. He said he thinks that if he has doubts then surely there is something wrong. Anyway 3 weeks ago he dropped the bomb and I was devastated. I felt like he had ripped my heart out, especially since we were looking at houses to buy together. Because I took it so badly I did initiate contact a lot and asked him to come for a walk with me so I could get closure. He did, and I finally managed to drag out of him that he felt like he missed the chase, he missed the excitement of going out and meeting new people and ultimately the chase of getting them! He said he got sick of us not making the effort with each other (sorry we are in a pandemic) and felt like we were in a rut. We both opened up about a lot and left on good terms. I saw him a few times that week (initiated by him) and a few days later he told me he was thinking clearer, he thinks that he needs to commit and go in 100% he mentioned about us having a baby within the next 6 months if things were going great. Anyway he went home and had an argument with his mum and dad about us and then text me to say he needed time to know how he feels and wanted to do no contact. He said he can’t tell how he feels if we are still talking and he’s listening to too many people. I tried no contact but I was hurt. He had just told me the most amazing things then an hour later he tells me he wants no contact. Anyway we spoke a few more times after this and ended up arranging to meet up. Again he said all the things I wanted to hear that he imagines us having kids and blah blah. Then 2 days later he then drops the bomb again that he doesn’t know how he feels. He said he is constantly in a battle with his head. He can literally be driving to work saying ‘we need to be together and try, we need to live together and see how it goes’ then within half an hour he can be like ‘you know you don’t want to be with her so why are you saying that?’ Then in two hours he can be like ‘no you need to try or you will never know’ he asked me for space again and I have managed to give it him but told him he has 2 weeks to decide what he wants. Has anyone got any advice for me because I feel like I don’t know if I am coming or going. He told me all of these things that I want In my future and then in the next breath he takes them away from me and it hurts so much. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Ash90120 said:

So around 3 weeks ago my ex broke up with me.

he mentioned about us having a baby within the next 6 months if things were going great. 

Sorry to hear this . How long were you dating? How old is he?  Are you both working?

Does he live with his parents? Do you both have your careers and financials in order? Why shop for houses when you haven't even rented an apt together, talked about engagement or marriage? Or worse, why is he talking about making babies as if it's a promise ring.

Step way back from this, he's all over the place. Are you afraid he is trying to dial it back to a FWB situation by blowing hot and cold?

[Ash90120]

We have been together for a year and a half. And we both live with parents. Which is very hard as sometimes the atmosphere isn’t great in either of our houses and especially having no space for ourselves. We both work and usually see each other around 2/3/4 times a week completely dependent on what plans we have. He’s 29 and I’m 30 and we felt like renting was a waste of money long term. But he just simply can’t make his mind up. But I feel like how can he say all of these things to me about the future, if deep down he doesn’t feel like it’s right. How is that fair to say all of the things to me even after we have broken up then a day later be completely different and not know what you want. He has this warped sense of what being in love is and I think he thinks that when he meets the’one’ he will never have a doubt and it will be all hearts and Roses all the time and I’ve tried to tell him that In a relationship you work at things but he says he doesn’t know if this is right for him. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo. 

[Ash90120]

Just now, Ash90120 said:

We have been together for a year and a half. And we both live with parents. Which is very hard as sometimes the atmosphere isn’t great in either of our houses and especially having no space for ourselves. We both work and usually see each other around 2/3/4 times a week completely dependent on what plans we have. He’s 29 and I’m 30 and we felt like renting was a waste of money long term. But he just simply can’t make his mind up. But I feel like how can he say all of these things to me about the future, if deep down he doesn’t feel like it’s right. How is that fair to say all of the things to me even after we have broken up then a day later be completely different and not know what you want. He has this warped sense of what being in love is and I think he thinks that when he meets the’one’ he will never have a doubt and it will be all hearts and Roses all the time and I’ve tried to tell him that In a relationship you work at things but he says he doesn’t know if this is right for him. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo. 

 

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this . How long were you dating? How old is he?  Are you both working?

Does he live with his parents? Do you both have your careers and financials in order? Why shop for houses when you haven't even rented an apt together, talked about engagement or marriage? Or worse, why is he talking about making babies as if it's a promise ring.

Step way back from this, he's all over the place. Are you afraid he is trying to dial it back to a FWB situation by blowing hot and cold?

We have been together for a year and a half. And we both live with parents. Which is very hard as sometimes the atmosphere isn’t great in either of our houses and especially having no space for ourselves. We both work and usually see each other around 2/3/4 times a week completely dependent on what plans we have. He’s 29 and I’m 30 and we felt like renting was a waste of money long term. But he just simply can’t make his mind up. But I feel like how can he say all of these things to me about the future, if deep down he doesn’t feel like it’s right. How is that fair to say all of the things to me even after we have broken up then a day later be completely different and not know what you want. He has this warped sense of what being in love is and I think he thinks that when he meets the’one’ he will never have a doubt and it will be all hearts and Roses all the time and I’ve tried to tell him that In a relationship you work at things but he says he doesn’t know if this is right for him. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo

[SherrySher]

You need to be strict with yourself and strict with him, and stay away from him for now.

He sounds very confused and is going from one extreme to the next. That would be absolutely confusing and hurtful for anyone.

Go no contact and stick to it! The best way for you and him to find out for sure where your hearts are, is to stay away from one another and to have that time apart to truly see what you want and what you need and how you fit in with each others lives (or not).

But to be honest, it doesn't sound as though he is ready for a full commitment, such as a wife and baby. I think some part of him thinks he is missing out on something and trust me when I tell you, that, the thought alone of him thinking he is missing out on something, will more than likely never go away and will ruin a marriage if you two decide to try to go down that route.

He needs to explore what he thinks is so great out there. He will never be satisfied completely if his curiosity isn't taken care of.

You also need to stand back, realize your own worth and as upset as you might be, you also need to be strong enough to let him go if he isn't sure that you're the best choice for a life long commitment. You don't need to stay in a situation where someone is messing with your heart and emotions like this.

You have a lot of value and would be a great partner (by the sounds of it), if he can't see that right now and is doubting it, you need to walk away and stop letting him mess around with you like this.

But I still say, for the time being, stay away from him, don't allow him to contact you. Tell him you need space too as he is hurting you. And have at least 2 weeks minimum time apart. No messages, no emails, no phone calls, nothing. So you can both get in a better head space and know for sure what you want.

You might think you want him 100%, but you should be asking yourself why you want a man who is this confused over if he wants you, or not.

Did you ever think he might not even deserve you??

[melancholy123]

Ok I have an ex husband in my past and he was the same as your bf, didnt know what he wanted.  He asked me to marry him and I said yes and he broke it off a few times, basically cold feet, he said.  The last time he asked me I said no as I didnt need my heart broken again.  He begged and carried on until I said yes and I warned him to not do that again.  We did get married and it lasted about 3 yrs before I left.  I should have paid more attention to how I felt back then about being dumped and going back to him a few times.  I could have saved myself a lot of grief.

To you I say move on, let him work out his issues as he seems to have plenty.  Work on yourself, dont settle for indecisive guys.  Strengthen y our backbone and resolve to not get into a mess like that again.

[Ash90120]

18 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

You need to be strict with yourself and strict with him, and stay away from him for now.

He sounds very confused and is going from one extreme to the next. That would be absolutely confusing and hurtful for anyone.

Go no contact and stick to it! The best way for you and him to find out for sure where your hearts are, is to stay away from one another and to have that time apart to truly see what you want and what you need and how you fit in with each others lives (or not).

But to be honest, it doesn't sound as though he is ready for a full commitment, such as a wife and baby. I think some part of him thinks he is missing out on something and trust me when I tell you, that, the thought alone of him thinking he is missing out on something, will more than likely never go away and will ruin a marriage if you two decide to try to go down that route.

He needs to explore what he thinks is so great out there. He will never be satisfied completely if his curiosity isn't taken care of.

You also need to stand back, realize your own worth and as upset as you might be, you also need to be strong enough to let him go if he isn't sure that you're the best choice for a life long commitment. You don't need to stay in a situation where someone is messing with your heart and emotions like this.

You have a lot of value and would be a great partner (by the sounds of it), if he can't see that right now and is doubting it, you need to walk away and stop letting him mess around with you like this.

But I still say, for the time being, stay away from him, don't allow him to contact you. Tell him you need space too as he is hurting you. And have at least 2 weeks minimum time apart. No messages, no emails, no phone calls, nothing. So you can both get in a better head space and know for sure what you want.

You might think you want him 100%, but you should be asking yourself why you want a man who is this confused over if he wants you, or not.

Did you ever think he might not even deserve you??

Thankyou so much for the reply. I think I am just so hurt right now that I let someone sell me a dream of everything I’ve ever wanted with the person I honestly thought I would be with forever. I know deep down that I deserve someone who doesn’t need to decide if they want to be with me, I think I’m just more messed up because of the way he goes about things. It’s the things he says, one minute he wants to be with me because we are best friends and he can see a future and the next he has talked himself out of it and he doesn’t know if ‘this is right’ I struggle with the fact that he says all of the good stuff and I genuinely believe that’s what he wants but then he completely back tracks. We have done 3 days no contact as of now and it hurts me that I have to feel this heart break and ball of anxiety in the pit of my stomach while he gets to just move on without those feelings of sadness. 

[Ash90120]

7 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

Ok I have an ex husband in my past and he was the same as your bf, didnt know what he wanted.  He asked me to marry him and I said yes and he broke it off a few times, basically cold feet, he said.  The last time he asked me I said no as I didnt need my heart broken again.  He begged and carried on until I said yes and I warned him to not do that again.  We did get married and it lasted about 3 yrs before I left.  I should have paid more attention to how I felt back then about being dumped and going back to him a few times.  I could have saved myself a lot of grief.

To you I say move on, let him work out his issues as he seems to have plenty.  Work on yourself, dont settle for indecisive guys.  Strengthen y our backbone and resolve to not get into a mess like that again.

Thankyou for the reply. I completely understand everything you have said. It’s just so hard to get past the heartbreak of wanting to be with someone who can’t decide if you are enough for them. I haven’t mentioned that i also have a little girl who he was amazing with and they really did love each other. I think I’m sad for what could have been. 

[Spawn]

generally when things are hot and cold and your gut tells you its something else am dealing here with its not anymore "us". You basically are both on 2 separate teams, you want to save this but he has already decided long back to get out of this.

Sorry i understand exactly what you must be going through, have been in your shoes before, as others said the best thing to do is stay away from him.

Get your self esteem and confidence back slowly, set few goals for yourself, work hard on achieving them. In some months & years you will be miles ahead of the crowd and believe me you will be attracting quite a lot of solid guys here, some of them would be keepers but to accept or reject people you need that confidence back.

Don't settle for people who act all weird about relationships, those who don't respect you, whom you feel confused about. Don't be afraid to be single for a while.

Some relationships are not meant to be.

[DancingFool]

Listen carefully to why he broke up with you..... It's not because of you or how your relationship was, but because HE is bored, wants something different, misses the drama of the chase. This is not a guy who is in any way ready for any kind of life long commitment and might never be for that matter.

If you continue to chase and push him to decide and get married, you are risking that in another few years, he'll be walking out the door telling you the same thing or worse, he'll be cheating on you. Please don't make the mistake of marrying this guy.

As for him telling you what you want to hear - that's what chasing is and it's all meaningless hot air. He pushes you away, he chases you, he pushes you away again. Drama. A guy who is genuine and genuinely wants that life with you will never ever dump you or otherwise risk losing you or want to hurt you like that by jerking you around while he satisfies his need for drama.

If I were you, I'd run away from him like my hair is on fire and never look back. No matter what you thought before, this is not the kind of a guy you marry.

[Hollyj]

This guy is a nightmare.   He will continue to cause drama and hurt you.  

 

You need to move on and go no contact.  Forever!

[Rose Mosse]

It sounds like he's genuinely trying to create some distance so he can think straight. It's never easy to break with someone especially when there's that much on the line. You already gave him an ultimatum of two weeks. I think it's generous. You're both in shock. 

The reasoning that he likes the chase could be very true and valid. He may want to date around more or he really does have some second thoughts about committing to you. I know it hurts but you really have to listen when someone isn't sure about you. My gut on this is that he's letting you down easy. I don't think he sees a future with you. 

I would call this off and do not beg, plead or keep contacting him. There is no more 'we' in the equation, sadly. It appears he's been thinking about this for awhile. 

Take your time closing this chapter and reevaluate all your ideas of what you're looking for in a relationship. It sounds like a pressure cooker and a bit rushed. If there are reasons behind these, revise. 

I am very, very sorry this is happening. There is only one window of opportunity through this hurricane. Go right through it. This isn't it and this guy isn't for you. Take some time thinking about the relationship and what's happened. This is a good opportunity also to get a good look at how you both approach challenges and problems and could be eye-opening in how you choose partners going forward.

[smackie9]

Boom a year and a half later..that's when the honeymoon phase ends. Do not reconcile and have a baby with this guy. To him the relationship ran it's course and didn't have it for the long haul...perfectly normal to lose feelings for no real reason. Don't let him hoover you back when he's feeling weak. Best to turn away, and keep busy...eventually this will wear off and you can carry on with your life.

Tip: when they talk about marriage and babies during the honeymoon stage, that's all it is, TALK and should never be taken as a promise. Planning for a future like that should take a few more years, with end goal planning/accomplishment, and consistency.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Boom a year and a half later..that's when the honeymoon phase ends. Do not reconcile and have a baby with this guy. To him the relationship ran it's course and didn't have it for the long haul...perfectly normal to lose feelings for no real reason. Don't let him hoover you back when he's feeling weak. Best to turn away, and keep busy...eventually this will wear off and you can carry on with your life.

Tip: when they talk about marriage and babies during the honeymoon stage, that's all it is, TALK and should never be taken as a promise. Planning for a future like that should take a few more years, with end goal planning/accomplishment, and consistency.

100%

A friend of mine was dating a man who proposed after 30 days of dating.  She giddily said yes and started planning a wedding.  Surprise, the relationship didn't last because he was in love with falling in love, and a relationship didn't allow for constant falling in love (obviously).

Sadly, she took his proposal seriously and, 25 years later, is still waiting for him to marry her.  She has never had another boyfriend or relationship because she thinks he needs to follow through with the proposal, even though he married someone else.

As they say, the only thing that will heal is time.  It's true.  Also, it's impossible to move forward when you're looking in the rear view mirror.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/13/2020 at 1:57 PM, Ash90120 said:

 But he just simply can’t make his mind up. 

It seems like you are more mature than he is in terms of life planning.

It appears that he's Not indecisive, but rather, immature and doesn't want to move forward. Perhaps he simply enjoys living at home like a child.

What on the surface appears as indecision is actually just jerking you around to keep things at this status quo.

Overall, reflect on his reactions to mature topics such as being an independent couple and leaving the nest.

What you'll see is that you dodged a bullet. Someone who gyrates around to stay firmly stuck in childhood.