Is it bad to just give up on the day?

[quark]

I've signed up for therapy on talkspace today. It is not only for our relationship, as I think I could benefit from it in an individual way regardless. I am feeling really down today, because I spent some time looking back in my diary and seeing all these times where he has dismissed me or been rude to me, and it's sort of a shock. I chickened out on talking to him yesterday. It was a hectic night and I had gotten home later than expected. I just didn't feel like I had the energy to have that convo.

 

So things have been weird because I cannot relax or feel at ease. And frustratingly he think's i'm "mad" at him. I texted him after he left for work: I am not mad at you. Sorry that I'm being weird, but I guess it's just because I feel anxious and worried. I do not know where we stand or what the next steps will be. I should have talked to you last night but I didn't. Maybe tonight.

 

I hadn't thought of the possibility of me continuing this relationship as an ego thing. Maybe you're right. Maybe therapy can help me figure that out, too. I definitely feel like I am experiencing dejavu, because I had these same thoughts and feelings with my last (very long term) relationship. I like the comparison to a business. I am definitely setting a deadline for myself.

[Batya33]

Okay, so I realize to some that it looks like I am trying to save a sinking boat by taking water out with a solo cup. BUT - am I crazy to think that even with a year dotted with conflicts, it's not a lost hope? Of course it's been that long because we have not done anything to fix any problems, and it's now festered which has caused new, snowballing problems.

 

I am just curious how many of you here have ever sought couples therapy or self help and how it worked out? Surely there are couples with much worse who have saved their relationship. It's not impossible (but, you do have to be realistic.. I understand that). I am continually baffled by how many people here advise to just give up.

 

My husband and I saw a couples therapist twice over 20 years ago -the first time that we were engaged, a few months before the scheduled wedding. I think she was the wrong therapist because she immediately jumped to wanting to prescribe meds (no we didn't). I had horrible, panic filled doubts about marriage and we'd recently moved in together because we were getting married soon. In hindsight it made me realize that just as someone else said -if I was that panicky that I wanted couples therapy that was a flashing neon sign.

 

Therapy did not help. For us what did was breaking up, cancelling the wedding and not staying in close contact. Almost 8 years later we got back together. We did not need therapy because what wasn't compatible back then was now as we'd both changed and grown. Here's the truth - there were a few times I mentioned the possibility of therapy -we went through so many fast changes -in the course of one year, after being back together for a few years -we got married, relocated and became parents. And my in-laws were ill. In another state. He got a new job, I was unemployed for the first time in decades. I mean -huge stress and changes. We didn't get therapy mostly because of logistics but the purpose would have been to work on communication, to navigate all these changes! A very specific purpose. We were not talking about breaking up or anything like that.

 

I am not sorry we didn't get counseling but honestly if we'd had the time /been able to make the time (I was solo parenting a lot -he had to travel for his new job!) - I could see where it would have given us perhaps some good communication tools. We've been married almost 12 years. Love him to pieces. Pandemic has been challenging but not negative for our marriage.

[Wiseman2]

Google "Chaos Manufacture".

It was a hectic night and I had gotten home later than expected. I just didn't feel like I had the energy to have that convo.So things have been weird because I cannot relax or feel at ease.

[Lambert]

I've signed up for therapy on talkspace today. It is not only for our relationship, as I think I could benefit from it in an individual way regardless. I am feeling really down today, because I spent some time looking back in my diary and seeing all these times where he has dismissed me or been rude to me, and it's sort of a shock. I chickened out on talking to him yesterday. It was a hectic night and I had gotten home later than expected. I just didn't feel like I had the energy to have that convo.

 

So things have been weird because I cannot relax or feel at ease. And frustratingly he think's i'm "mad" at him. I texted him after he left for work: I am not mad at you. Sorry that I'm being weird, but I guess it's just because I feel anxious and worried. I do not know where we stand or what the next steps will be. I should have talked to you last night but I didn't. Maybe tonight.

 

I hadn't thought of the possibility of me continuing this relationship as an ego thing. Maybe you're right. Maybe therapy can help me figure that out, too. I definitely feel like I am experiencing dejavu, because I had these same thoughts and feelings with my last (very long term) relationship. I like the comparison to a business. I am definitely setting a deadline for myself.

good for you on the therapy.

 

And that dejavu feeling? lean into it.

 

it is an ego move to not want to end your bad relationship. Its not so much that dating and being single is so bad or even hard. There can be the sense of a lot of judgment from others going through a big change.

 

That's true of anything you do in life... move. change jobs, decide to go back to school, have a baby, people like to weigh in.

 

Therapy might help you start listening to yourself. because you are what matters in your life. And the minute you start bargaining with yourself about how other people impact your life, you are about to take a misstep.

 

And its not that you don't care or consider others... but as soon as someone that supposedly loves you, starts being disrespectful you can express that.

[Jibralta]

I am just curious how many of you here have ever sought couples therapy or self help and how it worked out? Surely there are couples with much worse who have saved their relationship. It's not impossible (but, you do have to be realistic.. I understand that). I am continually baffled by how many people here advise to just give up.

 

I sought self help for many years, initially as a teenager (age 14 - 19) and again as an adult (age 31 - 32). I found it helpful.

 

I've never sought couples therapy. I've been with my partner for over 8 years and we are able to manage our problems without disrespecting each other.

 

I was in numerous relationships before this one, and if there was incompatibility, one of us ended things. I do not try to change other people. I do not waste years in relationships that force me to struggle. It does not pay off.

 

I don't know if couples' therapy will pay off for you. Your relationship has an underlying dynamic of resentment and disrespect, and that's a nonstarter.

 

I am feeling really down today, because I spent some time looking back in my diary and seeing all these times where he has dismissed me or been rude to me, and it's sort of a shock.

 

I'm glad that you did this, even if it makes you feel down. We can easily become "nose blind" to our own situations. One of the great payoffs of journaling is that it gives you milestones and perspective.

 

Also glad to hear that you're starting therapy.

[catfeeder]

Couples therapy is for those who've been married for years, have children, mortgages, built a life together and while the marriage was mostly good, they've encountered some rough waters that they don't know how to fix themselves or simply need some outside neutral help to sort their issues.

 

While I wouldn't agree that couples therapy is limited to just this scenario, I get the point: it's not going to rescue a relationship where only one parter is invested while the other insists on never doing anything wrong. In fact--good luck getting such a one to spend the time and money to even attend counseling.

 

Sometimes a non-invested partner will attend out of guilt, but they've already got one foot out the door, and they're just checking that box to demonstrate why they can keep being a spotless villain in order to eventually force the invested one to exit and save themselves. That's just a waste of money and it makes a mess.

 

Not trying to put down therapy--just trying to raise the odds of making that investment work with a gaslighter who takes zero responsibility for cruelty.

[Jibralta]

it's not going to rescue a relationship where only one parter is invested while the other insists on never doing anything wrong.

 

Yes, these are exactly the words I was trying to find.