Partner of 5+ years is keeping a financial secret

[Lambert]

You are being taken advantage of financially and you're being manipulated emotionally.

 

How can you consider marrying someone that has a big secret he won't tell you and blaming you for not being able to tell it? I don't know how you could let this go and have any happy moments together, while hangs overhead.

 

Do not marry this man. I know people will disagree with me but needing couples counseling before marriage is a big red flag IMHO. Maybe if it was martial advice and both people are just looking to start of on the right foot... but not in this instance.

 

Finances is a major cause of martial strife. Maybe you guys are incompatible and the way he is treating you... like he playing some game or something.

 

Don't hold on to a bad relationship because of history. If he is not willing to be transparent and work with you, what does that tell you?

[abitbroken]

He knows, yes, but does he agree? And I don't mean just lip service to shut you up and make you happy, I mean does he really agree. From what you are posting here, even with the clarification, it doesn't sound like he is even remotely on the same page as you. His lips and feet are moving in opposite directions.

 

OP, couple's therapy is for people who've been married 20+years, have had a mostly good marriage, have children and a life built together and might be having some temporary issues they need some help reconciling or talking through. When you have to go to counseling to make a dating relationship work, that's your clue that you aren't compatible.

 

If you make more than him, then why not go back to work and have him stay home more with kids? Thats what my cousin and her husband did. The first little while, she stayed home, then he scaled his hours back and was ultimately laid off and he stayed with the kids. Also, if you work part time -- when will you do that -- evenings and weekends when he is home? And never see eachother?

 

If you want to stay home with the kids, you will have to save for it, not say "his income has to be the sole income."

I think he is reluctant and you won't listen and that's why he is throwing out this financial news.

[Wiseman2]

Huge secrets like this are a deal breaker. Sadly you're afraid to address this. And sadly, you bought a house with someone like this.

 

This is not about your dream of marriage a pickett fence and being a housewife/stay at home parent.

 

Any one of those dreams are fine. What's not so fine is a guy who's coasting along and deceitful about at least one huge thing that you are aware of so far

[Jibralta]

He said he’s still feeling insecure after being dumped (even though he understands why I got to that point). He needs to feel secure in the relationship again.

 

How can he feel insecure in the relationship when you've helped pay for his braces, paid the lion's share of your housing expense, and have been actively attending couple's therapy with him?

 

What more do you have to do? Tap an artery?

 

Puh-leeease. That "Poor me, I'm insecure because of you" bit is pure BS.

 

It takes a very healthy sense of security for him to keep a financial secret from you when he knows how concerned you are over finances. That's outright ballsy.

 

Believe me, he's plenty secure.

 

Problem is, he knows you better than you know yourself. He's got you by your guilt complex and your sense of commitment.

 

You have invested a lot of time into an extremely manipulative parasite, and the psychology of sunk cost is working against you.

 

Five years is enough time, too much time, to waste on someone like this. I sincerely hope that you realize this very, very soon.

 

I would rather walk away than end up getting divorced 1 or 2 years after getting married.

Or worse... 5 years, 10 years, 20 years tangled up emotionally and financially draining, unfulfilling marriage. It's like a prison sentence. Why do that to yourself?

[abitbroken]

Honestly, it seems like you bought a house to prove to yourself the relationship is stable and that its moving forward.

 

Vs him getting down on one knee or you both looking at eachother and saying "lets get hitched" and actually doing it vs buying a house first

[Kitty2705]

Hi, OP here, we had another zoom therapy session two days ago, I brought up the ‘secret’ again and he was getting agitated, rolling his head back etc, saying that I kept pushing it, I said that was unfair as since the previous conversation I haven’t brought it up and I haven’t actually asked him what it is at all, just that it upset and frustrates me that he’s not telling me something which I can only assume is a pretty big deal. I can’t give him an ultimatum here as I know it won’t work with him. I said I felt boxed out and that the relationship can’t progress with this hanging over me. Also that I am being made to feel like it’s my fault because I broke up with him, it takes time and we can’t go back to before just like that’. When talking about money and how I had asked him had he actually thought about the future and the numbers, it’s not enough to say I’ll have my half of the wedding saved then I can do xyz. He feels like I want to be in a dictatorship?! And that I’m basically saying he needs to get his act together. At that point I actually said you’ve known me for so long if that’s really the kind of person you think I am why are you even with me!

The atmosphere at home is horrible, I actually have coronavirus and we’re isolating so I can’t even get out to clear my head

[Wiseman2]

What does the zoom therapist suggest upon hearing all this?.

 

Does this therapist comment on the obvious signs of contempt, disrespect and dishonesty?

 

Hopefully you feel better soon. In the meantime, find a way to extricate him from the house, your financial ties and your life.

 

Is it possible to buy him out and ask him to leave?

[Jibralta]

Hi, OP here, we had another zoom therapy session two days ago, I brought up the ‘secret’ again and he was getting agitated, rolling his head back etc, saying that I kept pushing it, I said that was unfair as since the previous conversation I haven’t brought it up and I haven’t actually asked him what it is at all, just that it upset and frustrates me that he’s not telling me something which I can only assume is a pretty big deal. I can’t give him an ultimatum here as I know it won’t work with him. I said I felt boxed out and that the relationship can’t progress with this hanging over me. Also that I am being made to feel like it’s my fault because I broke up with him, it takes time and we can’t go back to before just like that’. When talking about money and how I had asked him had he actually thought about the future and the numbers, it’s not enough to say I’ll have my half of the wedding saved then I can do xyz. He feels like I want to be in a dictatorship?! And that I’m basically saying he needs to get his act together. At that point I actually said you’ve known me for so long if that’s really the kind of person you think I am why are you even with me!

The atmosphere at home is horrible, I actually have coronavirus and we’re isolating so I can’t even get out to clear my head

 

I hope you feel better, soon! It can't be easy dealing with this while you're sick.

 

I feel so sorry for you. The situation with your boyfriend sounds terrible.

 

Serious question: Why are you participating in this?

 

What he's saying is such a joke. He sounds like he's three feet tall. I want to pat him on his his head and say, "Aw, poor wittle victim."

 

Honestly, I'd give up if I were you. You don't need this little Napoleon running your life, do you?

[Kitty2705]

To be honest I feel like the couples therapy isn’t working, I’ve had my own separate therapy and he says he’s going to his own also but I’m not sure that I believe he’s still going. The couples therapist doesn’t criticize or say if she thinks a reaction is inappropriate. Her approach is more trying to help us communicate calmly and non accusingly ‘I feel like this when you do this’ and trying to understand the others point of view before reacting. While she has given us the tools to do that and suggestions on how to approach things, I don’t feel like he’s made any progress on these things. His reactions can be nasty and hurtful e.g. suggesting that I’m trying to control him and calling the relationship a dictatorship, I’m not that kind of person. And I’ll have to ask him to stop interrupting me when I’m trying to say something. I don’t know what to do now the atmosphere at home is really getting to me. Maybe I need to tell him we’ve given the therapy several sessions and I don’t feel any progress has been made. I know it’s not going to be a quick fix but I would have hoped for some progress by now

[Wiseman2]

You don't need to be with a secretive liar and verbal abuser.

His reactions can be nasty and hurtful e.g. suggesting that I’m trying to control him and calling the relationship a dictatorship.

[Rose Mosse]

I don't think he will change as a person. He appears happy the way he is and enjoys considering 'his money-his business'. It's up to you if you want to be with a partner who doesn't meet you half way.

 

Both of you are hurting each other. He may see you as manipulative and controlling. It depends on his lens or limitations. To me, he appears limited intellectually (short-sighted) and void of conscience. These are character traits. I'd pay attention to them closely. You're still early yet in this together and not married.

[Jibralta]

Maybe I need to tell him we’ve given the therapy several sessions and I don’t feel any progress has been made.

 

And then what? Are you actually going to leave, or will you just resign yourself to this life with this person?

 

I know it’s not going to be a quick fix but I would have hoped for some progress by now

 

Sadly, I don't think anything is going to be fixed. This is the person you're with; he's not broken. This is what he is. I don't think you're going to see any progress, ever.

 

I sincerely hope that you leave. Staying would actually be giving up.

[Lambert]

I really think its in both of your best interests to end and separate.

 

Too much hurting each other, not seeing each other's point of view, no solutions...

 

I think time and space apart will show you both what is really meant to be. why try so hard to keep this thing alive?

 

maybe in the long run, he'll get his financials sorted out and you'll both grow as individuals, which at some point you meet again....

 

Or you realize you dodged a bullet.

 

I'm sorry you're sick. I hope you feel better. And it really is a tough break, you can't leave. but you can start making a list of things you need to do when you feel better, aren't contagious anymore, and can move out.

 

maybe that light at the end of the tunnel will help you cope. hang in there!

[abitbroken]

You know -- if he said "i have some debts i need to clear up that I rather just deal with myself" this would not be as big of a deal.

 

but "I HAVE A SECRET" is infuriating

 

I would throw in the towel on this relationship. I would say "if you didn't want me to know, why did you simply not say anything vs saying you have this big secret.So were you waiting until we were married to drop a bombshell on me? There is no way i can marry someone who keeps secrets so I guess we are over."

 

The only thing I DO agree with him on is the money HE saved he is free to do whatever he pleases (whether that is paying debts, blowing it on something dumb, getting himself an apartment) due to the fact that the marriage is not happening. You do not get to keep it as some sort of compensation for your trouble unless there was a deposit you both will lose on a hall or something you already paid -- then an equitable amount could go towards that

[ShySoul]

And that I’m basically saying he needs to get his act together. At that point I actually said you’ve known me for so long if that’s really the kind of person you think I am why are you even with me!

 

Um, he should be getting his act together. If you want to be with someone, thinking of spending your life together, then you should have your act together. That includes emotionally, behaviorally, and financially. It's not being a dictator to expect someone to behave like a grown adult and take care of responsibilities first.

 

The therapist is doing the right thing, trying to get the two of you to address your issues while keeping it focused and more civil. It needs to be the two of you that work together to address things. He, however, doesn't seem willing. He is more interested in attacking you or dismissing things. You can't work with someone who is unable to hold up their share of the work. You can't change him and he refuses to change himself. At this point, all the relationship is doing is hurting you. You are ready for and deserve better. He seems like he still has a lot of maturing to do.

 

I also hope you aren't experiencing any problems because of the virus. Please, take care of yourself and I hope you recover without anything serious.

[catfeeder]

The most effective method I've heard for couples to manage finances without issues is straightforward:

 

Set up 3 accounts: HIS, HERS and OURS.

 

Decide how the OURS account should be funded, and include all shared expenses, savings and investments.

 

Once each partner meets their share of contribution to the OURS account, the rest of their money is discretionary--they can spend it or save it as they wish, and without discussion about it with the other.

 

This resolves all money issues before they occur: if someone wants to fund their extended family, their children, their hobbies, their own savings account--it's irrelevant to the other because all shared financial commitments are met.

 

This takes 'secrets' off the table. Period.

[tattoobunnie]

I brought up the ‘secret’ again and he was getting agitated

 

I find when they can't tell you this type of secret, is because he's already revealed who he was. He's selfish. Marriage won't make him change - he will only get 10x worse after he locks you in legally.