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Lost the love of my life need help


Kevinw1205

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Met my ex girlfriend while doing my favorite hobby. Sparks flew and we were serious and exclusive almost instantly. Was with my ex for 2 1/2 years lived together for 2 years. Began dating when I was 32 she was 48. Both always extremely attracted to each other. Had shared all the same interests passions hobbies taste in movies music, same sense of humor. It was basically the perfect relationship for a year and a half. Then I became very complacent and took her for granted.

 

Took a couple week break (stayed with my mom) then I begged and told her I’d change and she took me back. I had not done much different and after another 6 months or so she completely ended things and I moved out that weekend. This time I did work on myself and made changes. We didn't speak at all for about a month when she contacted me for some items back. We met up and I was able to get her to come out with me. Nothing happened but after this we began to text again daily. Going out maybe once a month. After about 2-3 months we began having fun again and kissing from time to time but she wouldn’t let it go further. Then about 5 months after the breakup as we were still kissing and hanging out she told me we both need to date other people. I fought it for weeks but then she told me she had a date. I was badly hurt and decided to meet someone also. Turned out I enjoyed spending time with my new date so continued to see her. ( still thought about and missed my ex the entire time) Ex had bad experiences and after about 2 weeks wanted to see me. She told me that she just kept on looking for me, but that none of the guys were me. She said she wondered why she was looking for someone like me instead of being with me. She said I was the most compatible man she had ever been with and I was the closest she had ever been with another human being (she said these things regularly during the relationship as well) We hung out and had a great time and even had sex and she spent the night.

 

I still dated my new girl but continued to see my ex also. After a couple more weeks ex had told me how much she still loved and missed me and wanted me to move back in. I still loved her deeply and missed her also so I agreed but just asked for some time so that I could end things with new girl I was dating. Well after about 5 weeks of seeing them both (I truly do not know why I waited so long, I was not even sleeping with the new girl and she was aware I was not over my ex is was just nice to be around her.) my ex became frustrated obviously and started dating again. I ended things with my new girl and tried to get back with ex. (Even she asked why I waited so long.) By now she had met someone she really liked. A guy she knew from 20 years prior she said they had foundation. He lives near and is friends with her family. He was very different from me and was older he is 50 also. She would regularly tell me how attractive I was during the relationship and was big on looks. This man is very unattractive and does not look at all like a guy she would date. She hated my tattoos and he is covered in them. She had always begged me to have a beard which I have had since our breakup but this guy has only a messy patch on his chin. However he is able to take her out on his boat fishing or for rides on his Harley (things she wanted me to have/do). She was sending me texts saying friend zone now and said she really liked him and was going to continue to see him. I told her I cant be just friends, she was almost shocked but then completely agreed later. She said he is not you but I think he has a lot of the things you were missing. She was angry and brought up the fact that I had not made her a priority and that she was done. She would say things like if we are supposed to be together we will but also things like if I have sex with him I’ll never be able to look you in the eye again.

 

I was able to meet up with her one day early on when she first began dating him and we had some drinks and that led to us making out in her car for a while and I told her I loved her and wanted to be with her. I tried to make plans to see her again but she said she wanted to see how her weekend went (with him). The following Monday I made her letters from wood saying I love you and mounted on her fence that night and over the weekend I had ordered her flowers and a few gifts to be delivered that week also. After not hearing from her at all she contacted me on Wednesday when she received the flowers. She told me how beautiful the flowers were and I had asked about if she had seen the fence. She hadn't so she responded with omg I can’t believe you did that! She seemed so excited and happy. We continued to text with me begging to give me a chance to see her and she then became very cold and said no Im seeing someone now, you can’t be over here or send me things it’s not right! I continued to try for a couple days then stopped. Waited a few weeks and texted to see how she was. She was responding but I could tell she was colder. I asked her to go out and talk and she said sorry I have a boyfriend. I pleaded and looked stupid for about 15 minutes and stopped. I sent her a picture of myself at one point and she kept saying to stop it was too hard to see me. Randomly sent here a funny meme but said nothing, she replied with a pic of the view on the guys boat but said nothing either.

 

Since then I have not spoken to her in about a month and she makes no effort to communicate what so ever. Only connection we have remaining is I use her Netflix account and she uses my Hulu account. She still uses my account form time to time where I will occasionally change my account name to an inside joke between us. She also stopped doing all of the things she really enjoyed and looks like she is completely changing as a person. This is truly the love of my life and I would do anything to be with her again. If I could somehow win her back I want to live a happy life with her and get married. I’m not bothered by the fact that when she is 70 I’ll still only be in my early 50s I just genuinely want to spend my life with her till the very end. Is there ANYTHING I can do to bring her back to me? I have worked on myself and WANT to fix all of the issues we once had and make sure they never return. I am willing to do absolutely anything at all to win her back and I just do not know how to proceed. Know I’m being selfish and that this is completely my fault but I just want to make her happy again. Just hoping that anyone reading this may have some advise, any advise aside from “move on” will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading.

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It seems like she's moved on. It's painful. The respectful thing is to let someone you care about be happy, even if that means it's not with you.

 

You mentioned she's changing as a person. We all grow and learn to become (hopefully) better versions of ourselves. Do you feel she represents something to you? It doesn't sound like she accepted you the way you were and that's a terrible place for anyone to live in.

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I love her enough to let her be happy, I just believe I am able to make her much happier than anyone else. When she came back a couple months ago begging me to come back she told me there were many specific things that were a must for her to be with someone new and this new guy doesn’t not have them. Seems like she is changing who she really is to fit this new person is what I meant by her changing. She represents a bond and closeness I’ve never shared with anyone before, she always would say the same even after we had broken up. At our previous worst point we were still best friends. She shouldn’t have accepted the way I was which is why we broke up. When I changed those things is when she came back I just didn’t act quickly. Nothing has gone in reverse I’m continuing to grow more into what she thought and I KNEW I needed to be.

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I love her enough to let her be happy, I just believe I am able to make her much happier than anyone else. When she came back a couple months ago begging me to come back she told me there were many specific things that were a must for her to be with someone new and this new guy doesn’t not have them. Seems like she is changing who she really is to fit this new person is what I meant by her changing. She represents a bond and closeness I’ve never shared with anyone before, she always would say the same even after we had broken up. At our previous worst point we were still best friends. She shouldn’t have accepted the way I was which is why we broke up. When I changed those things is when she came back I just didn’t act quickly. Nothing has gone in reverse I’m continuing to grow more into what she thought and I KNEW I needed to be.

 

I understand you. How you feel and what you do going forward may be very different things and not in sync. The respectful thing towards another person is to let them go to be happy. What if you are not the right person for her and you aren't able to make her much happier than anyone else? Things are still fresh and painful and I think you are in denial. Respect is when we allow those around us to make decisions for themselves, not assuming that we know what's right for them or dictating what's in their life.

 

You don't get to decide. She does - what's important to her and who she wants to be with. We have to respect each other this way or any relationship is ultimately flawed from the start.

 

The pain for you may be clouding your thoughts. It's good to take a few days to let things sink in. I don't think it's wise to keep struggling and fighting against her moving on. The only person you will end up hurting more is yourself and disrespecting the person you claim to love.

 

That love continues on for awhile, maybe a long time. It doesn't mean you have to do anything with it. Take time to heal and accept all the info. Don't go around to her place anymore or send her anything. She's made it clear she doesn't want that and it's inappropriate. Take care of yourself... this is the worst but you will get through it.

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I agree I do not want to hurt her or choose for her in any way. The way she was frustrated with me not ending my relationship while she was trying so hard to make me end it, the fact that she was almost rubbing it in my face when she met someone new completely different from what she claims to want made me think it was her trying to get revenge or make me jealous. I just had hoped it was a rebound relationship and that she would come back at some point. Hard to believe she could have me sleeping with her and telling me that she loved me missed me wanted me to move my stuff back in and saying she regretted losing me only to lose her to a man that is completely different from me in every way only a couple of weeks later. Was here looking for hope I guess. Do want her to know that I no longer take her for granted and would do anything for her. Yes by anything I do mean it and I will leave her alone, I have not actually talked to her or texted her for over a month now. Thanks for taking the time to read and reply.

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Why did you move in with her after 6 mos? Where did you move to when you moved out?

 

Unfortunately it seems like you were looking for a mother figure and started acting like you were at home. Your ex needs a partner in her own life stage and so do uou.

Was with my ex for 2 1/2 years lived together for 2 years. Began dating when I was 32 she was 48.

 

 

He was very different from me and was older he is 50 also.

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It was because we both felt like we knew each other forever. We were inseparable and enjoyed everything the other did. Never once even argued or fought until the last couple of months of relationship(1 year in she even made a point to tell my mom and family that we have never argued or had a single fight because we were in sync with everything) and even then it was petty and were perfect again in an hour. It was just that I was with her so often that she would just ask me to start bringing and leaving things over and it happened. I had nowhere to go when I left so I stayed with my mom for a while when I moved out. I have nothing at all in common with girls my own age, I have been trying to date recently and just can’t find anything. Yes I know it’s because I’m hurting but have just been looking for some hope. She also has little in common with people her age and has always dated younger. Also missed the comment at first but was actually the opposite, she was upset because I had never 100% accepted it as “home” yet and I should have. I had it in my mind always that it was her home and she wanted it to be our home. I agree with her and I do/did want that also but it took a long time to get there.

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Unfortunately it seems like you became too attached.

she even made a point to tell my mom and family that we have never argued or had a single fight because we were in sync with everything

 

I had nowhere to go when I left so I stayed with my mom for a while when I moved out.

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This is shock. It is ok to experience shock for awhile and hurt. There was a lot of cloudiness about the relationship and other people involved (rebounds, as you say). Once a relationship gets to that point with all the heightened emotions of loss, shock, pain, denial, anger, hurt, jealousy, it's difficult to dissociate those feelings from that person and most people who want healthy relationships won't want to associate again with that kind of painful experience or be around the same person again. Give it time for the dust to settle.

 

Keep busy with your own life. It's good you haven't tried to make any contact with her again for over a month. I don't recommend dating. Spend some time alone for awhile until the loss subsides and you're not consumed by thoughts about your ex.

 

You mentioned a couple of times that you were here for hope but I think it's irresponsible for anyone to give you hope. It would be delusional and false. Be kind to yourself and realistic too. Getting into the dating scene now would be more devastating or catastrophic to you because you'll end up comparing other women to your ex and constantly reminded of what you lost in the relationship. You need time to yourself to realize it's over and start working on your own person. Find some stability being on your own and get used to being on your own.

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Yes I think so too but she had always told me she treated me like a husband and I agree she did but that I wasn’t close enough. She told me at the very end that I was treating her more like a roommate than a partner and she needed me to be more affectionate and closer too her both things I genuinely wanted, I became complacent and took her for granted in the end and was too distant. Will regret that forever.

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Do you have your own place and a job now?

She told me at the very end that I was treating her more like a roommate than a partner and she needed me to be more affectionate and closer too her both things I genuinely wanted, I became complacent and took her for granted
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This is shock. It is ok to experience shock for awhile and hurt. There was a lot of cloudiness about the relationship and other people involved (rebounds, as you say). Once a relationship gets to that point with all the heightened emotions of loss, shock, pain, denial, anger, hurt, jealousy, it's difficult to dissociate those feelings from that person and most people who want healthy relationships won't want to associate again with that kind of painful experience or be around the same person again. Give it time for the dust to settle.

 

Keep busy with your own life. It's good you haven't tried to make any contact with her again for over a month. I don't recommend dating. Spend some time alone for awhile until the loss subsides and you're not consumed by thoughts about your ex.

 

You mentioned a couple of times that you were here for hope but I think it's irresponsible for anyone to give you hope. It would be delusional and false. Be kind to yourself and realistic too. Getting into the dating scene now would be more devastating or catastrophic to you because you'll end up comparing other women to your ex and constantly reminded of what you lost in the relationship. You need time to yourself to realize it's over and start working on your own person. Find some stability being on your own and get used to being on your own.

 

Yes I will compare them all too my ex you are right. When she texted me a picture of the 2 of them she was doing the same and comparing him to me which is why I know anything at all about him. Another reason I assumed she was trying to make me jealous because i had made her so jealous hanging out with another woman. I just can’t help but feel like she is just trying something new and will eventually realize what she lost and come back again. So yes shock and denial for sure. Also there’s really no chance I can be kind to myself, had I simply done what she asked me to do and just get back together with her 1 week sooner than I was ready to I could have shown her I WAS what she was looking for in the start even though she accepted me back now even knowing the changes I’ve made and work I had done.

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Do you have your own place and a job now?

 

Yes I have always had a job and got a place recently. Working to start my own business now also which involved what her and I were very passionate about together and before we met. Now she has avoided that hobby.

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All I see from the bleacher seats is not so much this deep, great, genuine connection as a parent/child dynamic which predictably turned toxic and on/off thing. For a man your age, you are still quite immature. A woman her age eventually got tired of playing mommy to you and moved on to a man who is more on her level. Stings? Sure, but it is what it is. Yes, he is different from you in many ways and that is his value to her.

 

She moved on. Time for you to grow up, get your life together and move on as well. I very much doubt she'll take you back yet again. You were never really on the same page to begin with, but for the very superficial stuff like hobbies or humor....which isn't a foundation for the long run. Just something to connect with over the short term - heady, fun, short lived unless there is more there and in this case, there isn't.

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I think you have done everything you can at this point, OP.

 

If she isn't interested in trying, you're really at a dead end. It is going to be best to also stop using each other's accounts so you can truly separate from her emotionally. Whether or not this new relationship works out isn't really even the point; the point is that something was evidently broken between you and her and you two didn't manage to resolve that. Sometimes it really is too little, too late - but it also probably means that this wasn't actually the right person for you.

 

Focus on your business, and starting to move forward.

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All I see from the bleacher seats is not so much this deep, great, genuine connection as a parent/child dynamic which predictably turned toxic and on/off thing. For a man your age, you are still quite immature. A woman her age eventually got tired of playing mommy to you and moved on to a man who is more on her level. Stings? Sure, but it is what it is. Yes, he is different from you in many ways and that is his value to her.

 

She moved on. Time for you to grow up, get your life together and move on as well. I very much doubt she'll take you back yet again. You were never really on the same page to begin with, but for the very superficial stuff like hobbies or humor....which isn't a foundation for the long run. Just something to connect with over the short term - heady, fun, short lived unless there is more there and in this case, there isn't.

 

I get it poor choice in describing things like that I had just meant that things trickled down into things even that small. We were based on a same goals and view of the future, had the same plans for where we would be and what we would be doing in 5 years 10 years and so on. I just didn’t do my part to achieve it. I’m just struggling to vent and things just flow out so tons get left out but it was not that shallow, sucks that I said it like it was. 100% agree I need to grow and that’s my only other focus right now. Appreciate the comment no matter how much it stings Thanks

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I get it poor choice in describing things like that I had just meant that things trickled down into things even that small. We were based on a same goals and view of the future, had the same plans for where we would be and what we would be doing in 5 years 10 years and so on. I just didn’t do my part to achieve it. I’m just struggling to vent and things just flow out so tons get left out but it was not that shallow, sucks that I said it like it was. 100% agree I need to grow and that’s my only other focus right now. Appreciate the comment no matter how much it stings Thanks

 

I think the point I was trying to make is that as much as you might believe she was the love of your life and that you had all this connection......in reality it wasn't quite so when push came to shove. Not your fault, not hers, just that it wasn't what you think it was. So it's better to let this go and move forward in life. Focus on your business, your growth, your life and you'll meet the right woman, the real love of your life some day. This one wasn't actually it. It was more a stepping stone, maybe your inspiration or wake up call, but not the one....if that makes any sense at all....

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I think the point I was trying to make is that as much as you might believe she was the love of your life and that you had all this connection......in reality it wasn't quite so when push came to shove. Not your fault, not hers, just that it wasn't what you think it was. So it's better to let this go and move forward in life. Focus on your business, your growth, your life and you'll meet the right woman, the real love of your life some day. This one wasn't actually it. It was more a stepping stone, maybe your inspiration or wake up call, but not the one....if that makes any sense at all....

 

Yes it makes sense I just wish it wasn’t true. Going to really miss the kids too, her son had been asking where I was and got so excited when I saw him just a couple months ago when we were considering restarting.

 

 

Thank you all for the advise and comments I appreciate it. I’ll do my best to just move on and leave her be although if I said I wasn’t going to hope to see her again I’d be a liar. This was all very helpful.

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Give yourself time to just be on your own. Just because she's met someone else doesn't mean that you need someone either. Don't play games anymore and don't play into anyone else's games either about making each other jealous. It's immature and beneath anyone. It doesn't help in the long run and prolongs your healing time. What she does from now onwards isn't part of your life.

 

If she overshares or volunteers TMI, respectfully decline that info and tell her that it's inappropriate. Again, don't buy into anyone else's mind games. It's not worth it and disrespectful to you also. Those should be red flags in general. Being with someone who's vindictive or unkind should be sending alerts to your brain. Try and acknowledge what isn't right for you.

 

Move on and enjoy life as best you can. Take a time out from the dating. Women who will treat you right will think you're a dud (no good) on dating apps because you've got so little to give of yourself right now. Focus on yourself. Don't attract the wrong types of people. Good luck and keep your chin up.

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So you've both been playing each other- You selfishly rebounding.. Not good :/.

Yeah.. getting back together after a cpl weeks.. nothing has changed... Makes sense to see about trying again ONLY if you have worked on improving. changing what broke you up- that takes time

 

Plus, often if you broke up once, it will happen again.. Too much damage done, and negativity is present.

 

You have tried.. and tried again.. and it has failed. Now you NEED to work on accepting & healing.. and let go.

Being in contact will not help any of this.. but hold you back.

 

And please do NOT compare yourself to anyone she is involved with from here on.. you will only drive yourself crazy.. I know.. I have been there... :/.

"She was sending me texts saying friend zone now and said she really liked him and was going to continue to see him. I told her I cant be just friends,

_ I agree! We cannot be friends with an Ex unless or until we are totally over them.. takes much time.

 

I say you just leave her alone now.. No expectations.

Leave her to live her life.. No chasing, begging etc.. Nothing.

 

she has chosen to move on.. respectfully leave her to it. don't make things worse between you.

 

Time to focus on YOU. Keep moving ahead.. keep working on your healing etc.

 

sorry it did not work.. in time you will accept & move on as well.. Please do NOT rebound onto other women.

Get yourself back to good... get a hobby.. hang with friends etc.. and work thru all of this.

 

it can be done.. but cant until YOU are done.

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