I'm getting desperate, no one to talk to

[PinkMoonlite]

I posted before about how I feel lately, just very depressed and anxious and hopeless too. I'm surviving hour by hour it seems. I'm able to see a psychiatrist in over a month, but I don't know if they can help me. I don't know if I need to talk to someone, or if that would even help either. I don't know if I have control over things in my life- if they're that bad, or if it's my mental health and lack of coping abilities that are hurting me lately. I'm getting so very desperate, I'm hanging onto that appointment one month away and hoping it will help me. I can't get relief when the anxiety gets so bad, and I'm doing weird things. My limbs get very restless and I feel this aggression to move them and rub them together and it's not something I've ever done before. My husband has mental health issues too I believe, and I'd like to support what he's going through but it triggers me too. I don't know how to be happy or even neutral. We do have some good days lately but more bad ones- not even necessarily with each other, but his own tensions and sadnesses that affect my well being too. And then i feel guilt for falling apart just because he does. I can't tell anyone in my life what I'm going through but I'm running out of hope. If this is what my life will always be like I don't know how I'll bear it. I try exercise, I try meditation. I try and I try to be positive and tell myself things can get better but I'm doing so badly. I'm so desperate I'm posting on a forum despite being ambivalent about if anyone will care or be able to provide any comfort. I've never been so scared before, just wanted to reach out because I'm running out of ideas and I want to feel better and believe that someone or something can help me.

[Capricorn3]

I can't tell anyone in my life what I'm going through

WHY can't you tell anyone? What harm would it do? I don't understand.

 

Seeing a doctor would be a good starting point to help you. Have you seen a doctor? If not, why not?

 

In a previous thread you mention you stopped taking your anti-depressants. That's probably why you feel the way you do. Seems you NEED to be on anti-depressants for a very good reason. Next time you see your psychiatrist then make sure you get back on your anti-depressants and use them as prescribed.

[PinkMoonlite]

I have tried telling my parents how I feel, but it's so tied to my husband it caused drama and I can't do it again. I can't air out my issues that involve my marriage if that's what this is. And all my friends know my husband. I'm just a private person in general.

 

I've told my family doctor how I feel, that's why I have the appointment with the psychiatrist coming up. I stopped my meds under her supervision actually, because I was in a good state of mind and had a weaning process to get the medication out of my system in time to start trying for a baby. Now, I'm miserable and I don't even remember why I wanted a child, that's how much of a mess I feel. I don't know if the issues are with my husband or if his issues don't have anything to do with me, or if they're recent or if they've always been issues. We've been together 8 years and we've had our fights, but I remember being pretty happy mostly and lots of good things. I see him being negative now, fighting with his family and me and being negative overall, and saying he may not be able to have kids now. I just keep comparing myself to other people who seem so happy or at least stable, and making myself sick with sadness. And I don't know if this is a hurdle I/we can get through in life or if life is really this bad. He refuses counselling too.

[Capricorn3]

Now, I'm miserable and I don't even remember why I wanted a child, that's how much of a mess I feel. I don't know if the issues are with my husband or if his issues don't have anything to do with me, or if they're recent or if they've always been issues. We've been together 8 years and we've had our fights, but I remember being pretty happy mostly and lots of good things. I see him being negative now, fighting with his family and me and being negative overall, and saying he may not be able to have kids now. I just keep comparing myself to other people who seem so happy or at least stable, and making myself sick with sadness. And I don't know if this is a hurdle I/we can get through in life or if life is really this bad. He refuses counselling too.

I think ALL of these marital issues really need to be sorted out before bringing a child into the world. Marriage counselling would help here. If things are so toxic at present, a baby would NOT help you or your marriage in any way at all. The marriage, AND your and your husband's mental health issues ALL need to be stable before starting a family (imo).

 

As to the present anxiety, it's good that you have an appointment set up. Good luck.

[Brunette91]

I feel this. You aren’t alone. I know what it feels like to try and feel better to have it fail. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way. I also try my very hardest NOT to go to my family or friends about any problems because sometimes I feel like it just makes it worse. They love me, so their opinion sometimes is in defense of me and not looking at the situation as a whole. I hope your therapist appointment is helpful for you. I also want to have kids, but even in my situation I know this isn’t the time. I have to fix myself and my problems first. Sometimes we think having babies, getting married and getting a new puppy/kitten will make everything all better. It never does. We make us better... not them, not your parent, partner, friend or coworkers. We have to do it, is just having self control of emotions that’s hard. Once we conquer that, I feel like all will fall into place. Hang in there! Things will get better, what goes up comes down and vise versa. Thinking of you and hoping happier times come your way soon.

[Wiseman2]

Call a mental health hotline. They will talk with you and help you. Can you stay with family for a while? Your marriage sounds toxic. Stop worrying about your husband. His mental health should be managed by his doctor

[Realitynut]

I'm sorry about your mental health and ongoing issues with hubby. I can't help you with any of that....but has anyone talked to you about Restless Leg Syndrome. I remember my mom laying in bed bouncing her legs up and down. Then my twin brother had it....so it doesn't just affect old people. I have it when I do a lot of sitting. Unless you have it, you can't describe it. I always said it feels like your legs need exercise. I sometime just stomp them on the floor, move them up and down, rub. But I think it help to get up and WALK. It's more irritating than anything. But look it up. I think there is medication for it, but mine has never been so bad I needed to take a pill. But that might help with one issue. And walking...even if it's just around the house, will make you feel a tad better. (going off anti-depressants is never a good thing. I heard people just have a BAD REACTION to it.) Hold off on baby.

[smackie9]

Get back on those anti-depressants. You have clinical depression, and you NEED medication for the rest of your life. It's quite dangerous going off medication and I'm really surprised a doctor would even be on board with it. Once you are back on them and you are stabilized, you should be mentally ready to work on making things better with your life and marriage. Exercise, change of diet, meditation, etc, takes dedication and you may not see any results for some time (possible a year), so you can't completely dismiss it. Your body chemistry has to adjust, and depending on the person, results will vary.

[PinkMoonlite]

My doctor had recommended I get off them in case they affect a growing fetus. I want to be able to try talking to someone to manage my anxiety and if that doesn't help, get back on a lower dosage. I'm also close to 31 so my age is freaking me out with the pressure to be able to conceive, and I didn't expect to get here mentally. My husband and I have been fine, and are fine today for instance but this pandemic has been a very trying time were we focus on negative things and I soak up his mood in addition to my own mood and my own worries. I'm just not coping like I used to- I don't want to say that my 8 year relationship is no longer working when I still want it to. I just feel very uncertain about how I'm going to feel better and if I've done something bad to myself by getting off medication, or if I have issues that need to be addressed regardless of medication. And it scares me that lately I can't even remember why I wanted kids when I was so sure about it my whole life.

[PinkMoonlite]

I'm sorry about your mental health and ongoing issues with hubby. I can't help you with any of that....but has anyone talked to you about Restless Leg Syndrome. I remember my mom laying in bed bouncing her legs up and down. Then my twin brother had it....so it doesn't just affect old people. I have it when I do a lot of sitting. Unless you have it, you can't describe it. I always said it feels like your legs need exercise. I sometime just stomp them on the floor, move them up and down, rub. But I think it help to get up and WALK. It's more irritating than anything. But look it up. I think there is medication for it, but mine has never been so bad I needed to take a pill. But that might help with one issue. And walking...even if it's just around the house, will make you feel a tad better. (going off anti-depressants is never a good thing. I heard people just have a BAD REACTION to it.) Hold off on baby.

 

Yes, I think may be restless leg syndrome, and it sounds like what I have. Energy in my legs, sometimes arms too. I just really want to move them aggressively sometimes, and I do walk/run on my treadmill most days to help.

[PinkMoonlite]

Call a mental health hotline. They will talk with you and help you. Can you stay with family for a while? Your marriage sounds toxic. Stop worrying about your husband. His mental health should be managed by his doctor

 

That's a good suggestion, thank you. I'm going to look for one to call, I have nothing to lose. I don't want to not stay with my husband, it's so hard to explain. I also don't want to imply that I want to leave him or that I can't stand him. He's also supportive of me and says we'll get through this, but I just feel like he doesn't fully understand what it's like in my brain lately, no one does. I spent a day with my parents recently and it was nice but it didn't solve anything and I felt miserable there too. I'm in a bad cycle of self pity and loathing, and worrying that my plan for where I'd be at this time in my life is a wreck.

[LaHermes]

OP. As a poster remarked to you on your other thread, it would be MOST unwise to become pregnant now in your present state of mind. And bearing in mind your husband's thoughts on the matter now: "and saying he may not be able to have kids now. "

 

I trust you will be seeing the psychiatrist soon.

[PinkMoonlite]

I definitely am aware it's not a good time to be having kids, I'm not trying now or anytime soon anymore, I'm just very upset because I didn't see this coming- my state of mental health and the lack of stability I'm feeling. My husband sometimes says he feels he can't have kids when he's low, or when he sees me struggling physically with my anxiety. But then he says he doesn't mean it and that he just says it in the moment. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist one month away, so I'm trying to hang in there until then. I'm just struggling because that feels like a very long time to feel like this. I can't afford to get counselling before then either.

[LaHermes]

A month is a long time, PM. Why can't you get an appointment sooner?

 

Do insist.

[PinkMoonlite]

I agree it's too far away, I don't know if there's just a big wait but I was unable to get anything earlier. I'm not even sure what to expect, if I need medication again that's fine but I don't think psychiatrists talk to you much otherwise? I could be wrong but I feel like I might benefit from talking or something. I just have a lot of anxiety about my life and whether I'm seeing things clearly or if I'm just clouded by this crippling fear of life. I've never been this bad- it's very new to me. I'm doing weird annoying things like constantly asking my husband if I'll be okay or if we're okay, I know that's not a good way of coping and not a stable way to act. The whole baby thing is really upsetting me too. Knowing I'm not ready to have one because my mental health has taken this turn, and not knowing if it will ever happen for me. I'm just not looking forward to my days anymore, and I'm afraid to put too much stock into this upcoming psychiatrist appointment in case they can't help me. I might have just become a mess and I might have to learn to tolerate myself.

[CrazyWife]

Please speak to someone. Even phone a suicide / mental health helpine. Plus, contact your psychiatrist to spesk to them even just over the phone.

I too know how this feels and trust me things will get better. Have you or are you taking anti-depressants? Tried online mental health groups?