Jump to content

PinkMoonlite

Members
  • Posts

    42
  • Joined

PinkMoonlite's Achievements

Contributor

Contributor (5/14)

  • First Post
  • Collaborator
  • Conversation Starter
  • Week One Done
  • One Month Later

Recent Badges

5

Reputation

  1. This is painfully familiar to me- this sounds a lot like the dynamic between myself and my soon to be ex-husband. When things were good, of course they were SO good. But it came with a lot of heartache when things were bad. Unpredictable, unforgiving, bullying, threatening- and shaky acknowledgement of how much it impacted me and my mental health. I took time apart and it took me six to eight weeks to realize I'm better off without him in my life. Sure, sometimes people change if they truly want to and put in the work. But the only way to find out is to take a risk and go back... and you have to decide if it's worth the risk. In my opinion it is not. There are people out there that don't behave this way, so you have to decide for yourself what you're able to tolerate and if this type of behaviour is compatible with you and your needs. Are you okay with it potentially happening again and again in your lifetime?
  2. I see. I mean I'm often embarrassed/uncomfortable in therapy but make myself do it anyway. I have an appointment today where I'll bring up the memories I've been having. Writing points down was a good idea, I've been doing that too. I will say, even if this anger is uncomfortable, I'm also grateful that I got out when I did, and this feeling is definitely better than that crazy despair I was feeling only two months ago.
  3. I'm curious what makes you think I refuse help or steer my sessions? There is only so much you can cover in a fifty minute window and as much as I share with the therapist, I often find during the week I will remember more that wasn't on my mind before. This has been happening a lot this year, remembering things I've pushed deep into my brain and haven't thought about. I'm not sure I'd be comfortable but I'll look into it and maybe try.
  4. I like that analogy, it does feel like that. Like I'm at a safe distance and can carefully pick through the memories. I have no desire whatsoever to go back in time but I wish I could go back and whisper into my old self's ear, that I'll get out. I can't afford to be doing more therapy than I'm already doing, and when I am with the therapist I find it more helpful to strategize and focus on the feelings... but sometimes I wish I could just blurt out incidents to someone who cares. I can't share with my friends and family, it's too hard and it would make my family more heartbroken. I don't know why, I just want to feel less alone and get rid of all these secrets I have, because I was alone in lockdown experiencing this all year. It also feels pointless to just be gratuitous and share stories here of me being tormented and mistreated. I don't know what I want or what will help, but I keep remembering and it's so much, I wish I could forget a lot of it again.
  5. [QUOTE=Jibralta;7253439]You are still "unpacking." It's going to take time to sort through everything that's happened in your marriage. While you were there, your personality lived in a very confined space. You stuffed much of what you thought and felt into a box and hid it. Now that you are out of that situation, you have a safe space. You've removed the box from hiding and you're going through its contents. No doubt it's like one of those chinese take out boxes, where the food just keeps coming out, and you're like, "How did they get all of this food in here?"[/QUOTE] I like that analogy, it does feel like that. Like I'm at a safe distance and can carefully pick through the memories. I have no desire whatsoever to go back in time but I wish I could go back and whisper into my old self's ear, that I'll get out. I can't afford to be doing more therapy than I'm already doing, and when I am with the therapist I find it more helpful to strategize and focus on the feelings... but sometimes I wish I could just blurt out incidents to someone who cares. I can't share with my friends and family, it's too hard and it would make my family more heartbroken. I don't know why, I just want to feel less alone and get rid of all these secrets I have, because I was alone in lockdown experiencing this all year. It also feels pointless to just be gratuitous and share stories here of me being tormented and mistreated. I don't know what I want or what will help, but I keep remembering and it's so much, I wish I could forget a lot of it again.
  6. I haven’t shared this incident with my therapist no. We focused a lot at first on my feelings about leaving and my fearful feelings, and I’ve shared whatever “incidents” I feel most scared me. Somehow this one didn’t make the top of the list and I kind of forgot about it? Over the last few months I find myself remembering stuff that I’m shocked I forgot. Doesn’t really make sense to me and it’s hard to explain. I do think about it from time to time without any emotion, but last night as I was trying to fall asleep I kept playing through the scene, and even today I can’t get it off my mind. I feel like it should upset me more than it does but mostly I’m just kind of shocked that happened.
  7. Makes sense, but I have this weird detached feeling about that rape incident in particular. IÂ’ve been more affected by other things that happened in my marriage. I guess it doesnÂ’t feel like what I thought? I was disturbed but right now IÂ’m thinking about it in a fixated way... I almost wish I could have a meltdown now instead of worrying itÂ’ll hit me later.
  8. Thanks for sharing that, I'm glad you got out too. It's still very fresh for me, I left in mid September. So I don't know how long I need. In general I don't share details with anyone or vent to anyone as much as I think I might like to, I'm scared no one will care and I don't see the point in making people sad if they do care. Feels like all I have sometimes are my therapist and enotalone. I'm struggling a lot with embarrassment over things that happened to me, I'm even embarrassed on this forum somehow but I keep posting. And I'm not able to understand if I was raped that day, but I remember every detail and I remember other times of him wanting sex even if he was mad at me or I was crying. I'm just disgusted today.
  9. For sure. I don't do it to manipulate, but there's only so much we can focus on in each 50 minute session, and we focus more on my feelings than recapping incidents- I have way too many to detail. For some reason this rapey incident kind of fell from my mind all this time until recently- I couldn't tell you why. It's stuck in my head now though so I'm going to bring it up this week.
  10. Just an update... I'm finally starting to feel that relief I so desperately wanted to feel, that I left a marriage that was hurting me and that I did the right thing for myself and my future. I don't feel it all the time, but it comes to me in waves and I know I don't feel as despaired as I did a few weeks ago. I'm back at work, I don't feel guilty about leaving, there are good things. I'm trying not to feel mad at myself or guilty about staying so long and putting up with things... it's a hard thing to cope with. I let someone mistreat me for so long... I've started talking to my therapist about it, but an hour a week doesn't feel like enough. Then again I haven't even told her everything. I feel like I'm having extremely delayed reactions to certain incidents that are burned in my brain. They are so hard to vocalize... just certain incidents of being bullied and tormented, for some reason those are harder to talk about than the times he shoved me. Also I'm pretty sure he raped me... how come that never bothered me until now? It happened in July, I haven't even really reacted to it and it doesn't feel like a big deal, but last night I thought about it a lot as I was trying to sleep and I'm disturbed by it now. I sometimes wish I could just vent about what I went through alone but I don't know that it would help or if anyone would care. I don't even understand myself sometimes, I'm so embarrassed.
  11. I don't understand how to find peace within myself. I feel like I have all the facts, the confidence in my decision, and the knowledge that some wistfulness for the "good parts" is normal and I know to ignore that. I have some social support- not as much as I'd like but I do have some. I'm safe financially and I have my health and a home and things to be grateful for. I'm still feeling this apathy, like I can't imagine the point of anything and I can't feel any joy or escape from loneliness.
  12. I feel misunderstood by pretty much everyone. I don't even think I fully understand myself, I'm just making my decisions and pushing myself towards who I want to be and the life I want to have. But no one understands how I could have stayed in a relationship where I was made to feel this way, no one understands why I knowingly married this person. No one understands how I could love/have loved someone who had a cruel side. I think also people don't fully believe me? I feel like this is painful to go through alone so I desperately wish someone understood. My parents and brother don't fully understand, although they say they support me and want to know how to help me. They're doing their best so I'm not too frustrated with them to be honest. My husband's older sister, who I've had a good relationship with for the last decade- does not understand. I shouldn't expect her to side with me and I'm no longer speaking to her, but it hurt deeply that she thought me and my husband just aren't a good fit- not that he was ever inappropriate or abusive. I wanted her to acknowledge and understand so badly. Sometimes it feels like I'm crazy or that I made the whole thing up, but I know better. My few friends don't fully understand, they think showing me pictures of their recent babies and weddings will help me lol. I don't feel jealousy or resentment towards them- honestly. But it's hard to muster up excitement for them when I struggle getting through my days. Also my family and friends don't understand my anxiety for the future, which I'm doing my best not to dwell on. It's easy for them to say not to worry about getting remarried and having children, when they've all got pretty stable lives.
  13. I appealed for a bit more sick leave, but if denied I have to just return to work despite how unready I feel. It's a job I don't love, but it's a job during a pandemic nonetheless. I'm trying to just be tough and do what I have to. It's just really hard to imagine having a joyful life when I'm so lonely all the time. There's also this feeling that no one understands. No one understands why I stayed in this situation for so long and got married, or what it's like to go through this at an age when all my peers are just getting married and having kids. I had therapy today and I completely forgot to bring up my thoughts on PTSD, but the therapist thinks I've been disassociating due to trauma and says that normal... so I guess nothing concerning? I don't know why I feel so unsettled or what to do with this deep feeling of loneliness/being misunderstood. All I can do is keep posting my thoughts and being grateful people read and respond.
  14. I wish I was this strong. Not that I feel bad about the pills- I've suffered anxiety/depression since I was a teen and I feel better on medication so that aspect I'm okay with. But I feel unable to work- but I have no choice but to return because I was denied more of a paid leave. It's unfortunate- I'm crying sporadically, sleep deprived, have poor concentration and I'm not in the mood to talk to people (I'm a social worker) but I'm not so cognitively impaired that I can't work. I'm just screwed up enough to feel like I'm suffering. So we'll see how the return to work goes... I feel like my therapy helps in the sense that I have someone to talk to, but two months later I still feel so much fear and guilt, despite being safe and knowing I'm doing the right thing. I don't know how to work on it or feel completely okay with what's happening. I lie awake for hours feeling scared and sad. I try to bring my mind to the present and remind myself that people survive this, but I get scary moments of feeling like I can't get through this, fear of the past and fear of the future.
  15. I don't know if I should bring it up to my family doctor or my therapist... I brought it up to my therapist in passing and we didn't expand on that, but I feel like I'm having physical effects from the memories of the past year in particular. I believe my husband is narcissistic and was emotionally abusive to me... I feel like I should feel relief during the divorce process, but I continue to have disturbed sleep, feeling like I'm back in the moments of being bullied, and extreme fear at even seeing his family members texting to check on me. Also, I lost about thirty pounds before leaving my husband. The last several days with him, and the first few days away from him, I couldn't keep food down. I have since put on some weight again, and I'm eating well again, but I lose my appetite at times when I get too deep into the thoughts. I also feel of two minds... one mind is thinking typical victim stuff, like guilt about my fear and confusion over how my husband could also have a good side. But the other side is on autopilot and is thankfully winning. It's strongly pushing me through the steps of getting a divorce and moving on, it's telling me that there are other people outside of him and a whole world to enjoy whenever I'm ready for it. My main concern is the possible PTSD. Is it even possible that I have it, and if so, should I be seeking any treatment? I speak to a therapist once a week, and my family doctor calls me once a week. I take an antidepressant which should start helping me soon, as it has helped me in the past. I also have a sleeping pill that I take as needed- I'm doing my best not to take it daily but I definitely struggle to sleep the nights I don't take it. What else can I be doing?
×
×
  • Create New...