Jump to content

Kissing and drinks with a former work colleague who is emotionally unavailable


richdeniro

Recommended Posts

Wasn't really sure where to post this but thought I'd go for this forum as it felt a bit like a first date, I'm not really sure if I'm looking for advice or it's just me having general wonder about something and thought I'd see what other peoples opinions are as I am a bit of an over-analyser.

 

Last week on Thursday I went to meet a former workmate who worked in the same office with for 3 months, we had always got on well and used to chat about things pretty easily, I found her attractive but knew she had a long term boyfriend so it was always just a minor crush. Anyway she had some of the companies property and due to lockdown was unable to return it, I offered to collect it from her as she only lives a short train journey from me. I know she broke up with her boyfriend around 4 months ago shortly before lockdown.

 

When I met her at the train station we decided to go for a wander around town as it was a nice sunny day, we ended up getting a couple of cans of gin & tonics from the local supermarket and drank them by in the local park - this then turned into three bottles of Prosecco over the course of the next few hours as we were getting on well and I guess having been in lockdown for three months we thought we'd make the most of it.

 

At some point during all this I kissed her and she kissed me back. This went on for quite a while and I told her I'd wanted to do that for months, she said it was so passionate and that I was an amazing kisser, she asked me if I had contraception (which I did) and then she told me she isn't emotionally available as she wasn't over her ex so I just assumed it would be sex or a fwb arrangement - I said no worries and we made our way back her place. For whatever reason she popped in to see her neighbour/friend and left me in her flat waiting on the sofa - she was gone for quite a while and when she got back I'm not sure if she sobered up or the alcohol had made her feel sick but we went to bed and basically passed out. My memory is very hazy.

 

I woke up the next morning in her bed alone and saw that she was in the spare room so checked she was ok which she was so I left her to sleep more and went back to her bed to sleep as we were both pretty hungover. We eventually both got up at around midday and I went downstairs where she had made me a coffee, we chatted for a while although it was mostly about work stuff and she asked if I wanted to use the shower - she walked me upstairs to show me how it worked and sorted me out with a spare towel. I don't really know why but I went to kiss her again and she kissed me back, it was quite passionate and then when we finished she went back downstairs and I took my shower.

 

When I came out the shower she said she'd arranged to meet a friend and was going to get ready, I took the hint and said I would head off then and asked if she wanted to see me again, she put her arms around me and gave me the biggest hug and said she did but 'not in that way', told me again how she wasn't over her ex and was sorry. I didn't want her to feel bad or anything like that so said to her all was cool and no worries whatsoever and to text me sometime, then left and now three days later haven't heard anything from her nor have I messaged her.

 

I just wondered what peoples thoughts were about the whole situation and was it just a drunken day/night thing and that I probably won't ever hear from her again? Should I text her and ask how she's doing or even apologise for if I made her uncomfortable at all?

 

I don't even know myself what I would want from the situation, I felt a little gutted over the weekend that I didn't hear from her and I am putting it down to feeling a bit rejected I suppose as the whole day felt like a first date that was going really really well. I know I'll get over it in a few days as we do but as I said before I do overthink things.

 

Thanks in advance.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Don't apologize. Give her space. She's not over her ex which means that she doesn't have enough head and heart space to accommodate regular phone calls and text messages to you.

 

I suggest you close the door on romance with this person as she's made it very clear she's not interested in seeing you again for any night time romps. This isn't a fwb. She's not interested in pursuing that either and good for her. She's being respectful to you as well if she knows you're open to more than just friends with benefits. In other words, she appears very mature and kind.

 

It's ok to feel rejected. Get back to your grounding space and stay balanced. It's not easy dating and being rejected or not having someone feel the same way about you but you will get over it in a few days as you say yourself. Give yourself time and don't expect miracles in a day.

 

Circle around and go back to the main idea that you should be focusing on people and things that give back to you in fulfilling ways.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The good news is that she's a former college and not a current one. The other good news is that she's been honest about where she stands with regard to her feelings for her ex. She basically prevented you from positioning yourself as a rebound fling, which did you as much a favor as she did herself.

 

People who are grieving a recent breakup are very often not fling material. That's not a reflection on you, but I'd examine why you'd want to position yourself that way with anyone in the first place.

 

One of the most helpful things I've ever learned is that not everything is about ME.

 

Adopting empathy can make us all better friends and companions, and it also helps to prevent attempts to position yourself badly.

 

Head high.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't see what you would be apologizing for. Nothing really happened that warrants an apology from you.

 

It sucks, but I think she was lonely and drunk and got ahead of herself. When she sobered up, she realized she had to put the brakes on it because she isn't over her ex. As such, I wouldn't reach out to her again. She was honest that she can offer you only friendship and it won't be much fun to be friends when you harbour deeper attraction.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Be glad you didn't have sex. That could have gotten ugly for you, particularly since she was drunk. It sounds like she regrets the whole thing and would rather forget about it.

 

In the future don't get this drunk on dates and never try to have sex with someone too drunk to consent. Be grateful you don't work together or have to see her again after this embarrassing encounter.

 

Getting piss drunk on dates doesn't "bring you out of your shell". It's a deal breaker, makes you limp, sloppy and undesirable.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She is lonely and craving for her ex still.

 

The kiss in the morning was a consolation prize and her way of getting you out of there without too much awkwardness.

 

She is that much still into her ex that she couldn’t even bear to be in the same bed as another. Not even for a cuddle.

 

I think she sought company from a male she knew would give her attention. But then didn’t want it.

 

Write her off as a bad experience.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Same old pattern. Went out had drinks went back to hers hung out. Got a no thanks talk/message next day.

 

Stop getting drunk on dates.

 

No one wants to drag you home to let you sleep it off and throw a shower and coffee at you to get you out.

 

This is not about her ex although he probably looks like prince charming after this debacle.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You didn't do anything wrong, so nothing to apologize about. Apologizing when you haven't done anything to warrant an apology would just make things weird and awkward.

 

Overall, it sounds like she was feeling a bit lonely and allowed herself to get carried away with you a little bit, but also quickly backed off and set boundaries and stuck with them even if wasted drunk. She knows what she does and doesn't want and was very clear about not wanting to get involved, so that's that.

 

I wouldn't expect to hear from her not because you did anything wrong, but simply because she told you straight up she is not up for more. On that note, I don't recommend that you try to stick around hoping she'll heal and start dating you. Usually it doesn't work out that way, especially when any woman uses the just friends line on you. When you hear that, it's game over for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Same old pattern. Went out had drinks went back to hers hung out. Got a no thanks talk/message next day.

 

Stop getting drunk on dates.

 

No one wants to drag you home to let you sleep it off and throw a shower and coffee at you to get you out.

 

This is not about her ex although he probably looks like prince charming after this debacle.

 

You're certainly entitled to your personal feelings about alcohol, but there's nothing in his post suggesting he tried to have sex with someone too drunk to consent (as you intimated in your first reply), nor is there anything there suggesting that she had to "drag [him] home" to sleep it off because he was so "piss drunk." She asked if he had a condom, invited him back to her place for sex, then changed her mind, which she's entitled to do.

 

OP, I agree with all of the other ladies in the thread. You did nothing wrong. Her feelings for her ex are what they are, and I think most people have been there -- sad over a breakup and thinking attention from someone else will make you feel better, only to find yourself feeling worse because you really haven't processed the feelings about your ex after all. It sounds like she was totally honest with you, but I understand that doesn't help your own feelings/bruised ego. I wouldn't reach out again. Just give it a week or two and you'll feel better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Waiting for what?

 

She had asked him to go to her place. And she popped over to a neighbour . Who knows why? The OP certainly doesn’t and neither do we.

Waiting for what? For her to return of course?

Afterall she asked him if he had contraception and she asked him to hers.

 

What would you have done oh wiseman?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

They were both drunk and passed out later.. He was waiting around on her sofa hoping she didn't sober up too much.

 

A 40 y/o man who gets drunk on a first date demonstrates immaturity, lack of self control and inconsiderateness to his date.

 

She blocked him to distance herself from the whole embarrassing debacle. So there is plenty to suggest too much alcohol was involved.

 

there's nothing in his post suggesting he tried to have sex with someone too drunk to consent
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, I would say that's probably fairly accurate.

 

Out of curiosity, how did you figure out she did so?

 

Had a look at her profile and all I could see was public posts and everything else that I was able to see previously wasn't visible. Today she unfriended me completely on it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Contrary to other posters attempting to insinuate that you are some sort of sexual predator who was lying in wait for her to return to her apartment so you could take advantage of her in her inebriated state, I don't see that at all. What is obvious is that you are two consenting adults who had too much to drink.

However, what I think happened is that she got in waayyyy over her head and realized it as soon as she got you back to her apartment. She most likely started to regret inviting you there for sex and was hoping you might take a hint and make yourself scarce while she was at the neighbor's place. Waking up and moving to another bedroom while you were still there further supports that.

I myself have done this before while in the throes of a breakup. In my younger years, I thought that the cure to getting over an ex was occupying myself with someone else. However, even as I was getting some guy interested in coming home with me, I would begin to realize that it wasn't my ex coming home with me and this random person would just be a temporary fix and that I would be even more miserable afterward. I've snuck away from guys that I was flirting with 2 minutes before, and I have pretended to "fall asleep" before the deed can happen only to quietly slink out when the coast is clear.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is this - she isn't over her ex, she responded to you in the heat of the moment by suggesting sex to try and make herself feel better, but then regretted it because she isn't over her ex. It honestly wasn't about you. I'm sure she is also embarrassed by how drunk she got and wants to forget the whole thing happened, which means removing you (a reminder of her embarrassment) from her social media. Don't text her, don't message her; instead, focus your energy on someone who is in the right head space to date. And avoid alcohol if you aren't able to drink socially without getting wasted on a first date.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Had a look at her profile and all I could see was public posts and everything else that I was able to see previously wasn't visible. Today she unfriended me completely on it.

 

Well, I guess that removes any lingering doubts about where her head is at.

 

I wonder if her ex is actually still in the picture in some capacity and she feels guilty for bringing another guy home. Whatever the case, let this be the cue not to reach out to her at all anymore.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...