My head is being turned

[JR91]

They aren't necessarily violent, they just like to drink and encourage him to do so which they know is bad for him, they cause trouble then watch while he defends them all. Its ridiculous.

[arjumand]

What are you getting out of this relationship? You seem to be overworked, you worry all the time, and you have to walk on eggshells around him. What is he doing for you? What benefits are there to you? If you are simply worried about money, move in with a friend or family and get a second job that PAYS. Once you are not spending all your energy taking care of him and worrying about him you will be amazed at how much better life can be when you focus on the life you want.

[Seraphim]

That is on HIM not them. Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour. It is not his friends it is him .

They aren't necessarily violent, they just like to drink and encourage him to do so which they know is bad for him, they cause trouble then watch while he defends them all. Its ridiculous.

[Wiseman2]

Get some help getting out of this. You seem beaten down by all of it and the repairman simply represented what it would be like to not be with who you are with. However no knight in armor is going to rescue you from this.

 

You'll have to enlist the help of friends family. Start by getting a paid outside job and stop providing slave labor in his business or at home. Start putting money away to extricate yourself. Depending on your country, you have no rights to anything unless your name is on the house deed and you co-own the business. That is why he 'doesn't believe in marriage'.

 

Please review these and Pay close attention to item #5 : https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

When we were trying for a baby it was before he got in with this particular group of friends and the violence started.

[DancingFool]

I respect your opinion to an extent but a lot of what you have written is a tad belittling. When the boiler broke, I made a point of saying "I don't know what to do about this" he still did nothing. He chooses to work 7 days a week, I work 6 days because I have to and then do everything on top of that. I never said he was lazy or a loser, they were your words. Again, i never said my work was more important but this is his only job, I work a second job as well. I work for him to help him out so he doesn't have to pay someone. I don't see how I'm that bad guy here? I've done everything I can to make this relationship work and unfortunately it has failed. Thanks again for your input.

 

I'm sorry if it my post made you feel like the bad guy. That's not my intent. What I'm getting at is communication. "I don't know what to do about this" v. "Can you please get this fixed." or even more direct and assertive "can you please figure out who to call and let me know when you've got someone by 1pm". I don't know what to do is not a call for action and it's passive aggressive type communication. When you are trying to reverse so many years of a pattern, it will never work and some people simply won't pick up on what's between the lines. Same goes for when you come home and do everything else - why? Sit down, draw up a list of chores and discuss how to split it up and then split it up and don't pick up after his share. Maybe give that a shot before you flush the relationship down the drain.

 

That said, if you are just completely done and want out, then you know what to do. A bunch of strangers on the internet can't really tell you what to do as you are correct that we don't really know you, your life or the details of your relationship - just a whole lot of presumptions.

[Wiseman2]

If you co-own the house, you also need to maintain it. Why do you need him to call for repairs? If you want kids one day you can't go without heat/hot water until the power struggle breaks about whose job it is to call for repairs.

 

In healthy relationship/partnerships, people just get stuff done. There is no need to give anyone ultimatums or lists. When it comes to emergency repairs, pick up the phone.

 

The issue, however is not who does what, it's that you are not happy and he does not share your goals.

The boiler broke a few months ago and I left it 3 days and waited for him to step up and get it sorted but he didn't, so 3 days with no hot water or heating and I sorted it and got the boiler replaced.

[LaHermes]

What are you getting out of this relationship? You seem to be overworked, you worry all the time, and you have to walk on eggshells around him. What is he doing for you? What benefits are there to you? If you are simply worried about money, move in with a friend or family and get a second job that PAYS. Once you are not spending all your energy taking care of him and worrying about him you will be amazed at how much better life can be when you focus on the life you want.

 

What Arjumand asks and advises is truly at the heart of the matter.

 

We are on your side here. I must also ask: "What is great about this relationship?"

 

A better life awaits you, but only you can take the decision to chase that far better life.

[MissCanuck]

They aren't necessarily violent, they just like to drink and encourage him to do so which they know is bad for him, they cause trouble then watch while he defends them all. Its ridiculous.

 

This is on him, OP. His friends might be total tools, but so is he. He has got some serious issues if all it takes is peer pressure to lash out violently at other people, at nearly 30 years old.

 

Your relationship sounds like it only really still exists because you two have never really known anyone else, in a romantic sense. You have become so accustomed to being in each other's lives that you've stayed beyond this relationship's expiration date. You've been together since you were teens, more or less, yeah? You grew up. He didn't.

[Hollyj]

OP.

 

It seems that folks on another site gave you the exact same advice. What are you going to do?

[JR91]

OP.

 

It seems that folks on another site gave you the exact same advice. What are you going to do?

 

Hi, I'm not sure what you mean by other site? The plan is to wait until lockdown is lifted and get the ball rolling to start a new life own my own.

[JR91]

OP.

 

It seems that folks on another site gave you the exact same advice. What are you going to do?

 

If you co-own the house, you also need to maintain it. Why do you need him to call for repairs? If you want kids one day you can't go without heat/hot water until the power struggle breaks about whose job it is to call for repairs.

 

In healthy relationship/partnerships, people just get stuff done. There is no need to give anyone ultimatums or lists. When it comes to emergency repairs, pick up the phone.

 

The issue, however is not who does what, it's that you are not happy and he does not share your goals.

 

I understand this but there wasn't an ultimatum. I clearly said I wasn't sure what to do/ who to call about the boiler and he just looked at me as if to say "I'm sure you'll sort it " I do maintain the house, I literally do everything and this is the point I'm making. I work just as hard as he does and then I do everything else on top, he knows I get frustrated but he still doesn't help out. You're right about the goals!

[Hollyj]

Why wait until the lockdown is lifted? I know of people who have moved recently.

[Wiseman2]

Eventually you'll find a way out of this and realize that you don't have to have this as your lot in life.

he knows I get frustrated but he still doesn't help out. You're right about the goals!

[Mandmjr]

It sounds like he may have a drinking problem. Although he quit, he may still have the tendencies unless treated. You may have begun texting if he is still demonstrating the drinking behaviors. It may be your way of telling you that you need to get out. I know...easier said than done!