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I'm 28 and after my 4 year relationship ended, I've felt lost. I was inattentive, but she was needy and had trust issues (whole story in my other post). Now she's pregnant to another man 4 months after we broke up.

 

I know there are a lot of things I need to change, things that I want to change to better myself and for myself. I want to become fit and agile, I want to stop playing so many video games, I want to stop watching porn, I want to watch less TV, I want to become a better communicator, I want to be less frustrated and irritable, I want to learn new things, and I want to learn how to balance my time to include those I love and care for.

 

Yes, this all stems from my previous relationship, but I am not doing it for my ex seeing that she has moved on and now has an unplanned pregnancy. I want to be a better, more well-rounded person for myself and the next relationship I go into. I don't know what i need to change exactly, i just know that I've never been the dumper and want to change something, if not many things about myself to be successful. However, I don't know where to start.

 

I'm just tired of feeling like I'm missing out on a lot of things due to the way I decide to spend my time...

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Start with getting an evaluation from a physician to rule out physical, mood, metabolic etc issues and get a referral to a therapist for ongoing therapy. Don't go it alone, get help. If you could have done it alone you would have.

 

Enlist the help of friends family coworkers etc to start doing things that are more in line with healthier living. join groups clubs etc that engage in healthier smarter pursuits (online for now). Take online classes and courses that interest you or enhance your career.

I want to become fit and agile,

I want to stop playing so many video games,

I want to stop watching porn,

I want to watch less TV,

I want to become a better communicator,

I want to be less frustrated and irritable,

I want to learn new things

I want to learn how to balance my time to include those I love and care for.

I want to be a better, more well-rounded person for myself and the next relationship I go into.

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Start with fitness. Also, rather than doing the same old join gym, get membership, go a few times, hate it, quit going.....find something physical you actually have fun doing - try different things, different sports until you find something that clicks for you personally. That alone will automatically take you away from video games and tv. Cooking healthy meals for yourself - ditto. These two things alone likely will have a significant affect on your moods as well.

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Start with fitness. Also, rather than doing the same old join gym, get membership, go a few times, hate it, quit going.....find something physical you actually have fun doing - try different things, different sports until you find something that clicks for you personally. That alone will automatically take you away from video games and tv. Cooking healthy meals for yourself - ditto. These two things alone likely will have a significant affect on your moods as well.

 

I second this. I also highly recommend getting involved in community theater back stage -volunteering.

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Just start with one thing every day.

Go out for a walk one day.

Then cancel one of your streaming services one day.

Look up online what looks like an interesting book and order it one day.

Some libraries have free eBook rental - you can rent them on their website

Call your Grandma (if she is alive) one day

try to do one thing every day to meet your goal.

start small. you can do it!

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I second this. I also highly recommend getting involved in community theater back stage -volunteering.

 

agree!

 

Right now, due to social distancing, i would read books to little nieces and nephews on facetime if there are little kids in the family and see if any groups need help delivering meals to seniors (dropping on the porch) that are shut in or need help at the food pantry.

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I like what everyone said here and you should consider trying all of them out. And it is great that you have decided to improve things in your life. You make a lot of sense and obviously on the right track. I just want to add that sometimes people who are fired up set very high goals and they can get disappointed when they don’t reach it. So, start low and modest and when you make it, then take it to the next level. Starting with fitness is great. May I add that habits and things that you do feed on each other. Like too much video games and too much tv can prevent you from doing exercises and eating good food. Eating healthy food gives you energy, makes you less irritable, and boosts your brain’s health. Being active helps there too as well as volunteering and doing things for others. You know your goal now, so you can start on each area. I think cutting porn altogether and lessening or totally cutting off video games will help you a lot. I cannot advise you to totally cut off tv time because I honestly have not. I still watch an hour to two a day but I have stayed away from the news because it is frustrating to figure out which part is true and which part is not. I watch a lot of documentaries in Netflix to help me mentally, as well as for entertainment. You are still young at 28 and a bright future ahead of you. Have a good day and enjoy every moment of your new life.

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Thank you all for your replies. I don't want to quote a lot so I'll just summarize. I am in school and will be finishing up this May. I was working out for a few months but since I've moved, my motivation has plummeted due to the adjustment and new findings of infidelity (my own, talking to a perceived threat when agreeing not to, and my ex's, talking to someone who gave her the attention she required while we were together and then moving on to him). I'm doing my best to bounce back and finish school, there is just so much I'm unsure of anymore.

 

I've never understood the premise behind sports and find myself wondering if I should try to get involved. I've never understood the concept of wanting to be around a large group of people to cheer for a team, or even going to the club around a bunch of dancing drunks. I don't understand what it takes to make and keep a connection without having these social concepts apart of myself. I want to make time for the people I care for when it matters most but I don't want it to be forced. I feel like I'm boring and am unsure of so much right now.

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Gaming was a large part of my life and it ultimately feels like it is what held me back in many aspects of my life. I played sports but hated standing out in the field for baseball and getting my junk handled in wrestling. Everything seems so foreign to me anymore social wise that I'm unsure of who I am anymore. It feels like I've lost my identity and am trying to build a brand new version of myself without a path to build on. It makes me miss my relationship because I at least had a path of having a family and a job to support it. It is debilitating.

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Thank you all for your replies. I don't want to quote a lot so I'll just summarize. I am in school and will be finishing up this May. I was working out for a few months but since I've moved, my motivation has plummeted due to the adjustment and new findings of infidelity (my own, talking to a perceived threat when agreeing not to, and my ex's, talking to someone who gave her the attention she required while we were together and then moving on to him). I'm doing my best to bounce back and finish school, there is just so much I'm unsure of anymore.

 

I've never understood the premise behind sports and find myself wondering if I should try to get involved. I've never understood the concept of wanting to be around a large group of people to cheer for a team, or even going to the club around a bunch of dancing drunks. I don't understand what it takes to make and keep a connection without having these social concepts apart of myself. I want to make time for the people I care for when it matters most but I don't want it to be forced. I feel like I'm boring and am unsure of so much right now.

 

I never was into nightclubs. You are not alone. If you go to the meetup dot com website you might find groups in your area that get together over common groups. I used to be a member of a dog walking group but there are book clubs, groups that get together and practice a language they are trying to learn over a meal weekly or monthly, groups who are interested in playing chess together - you name it.

 

As far as sports? What about joining to PLAY a sport vs watching a sport?

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  • 1 month later...
I never was into nightclubs. You are not alone. If you go to the meetup dot com website you might find groups in your area that get together over common groups ...

 

As far as sports? What about joining to PLAY a sport vs watching a sport?

 

Due to my past being primarily gaming, smoking pot, and sitting around a fire or lazing around a living room, I have nothing of interest to bring to a conversation. I try to sit and listen, but most of the time I find it difficult to engage or get bored and go off to find something of interest. Usually, I don't find much once I go off and look, but it is more entertaining than a conversation I know nothing about and most of the time my questions go unanswered. I would like to play sports or something, but, at the same time, I would like to engage in something more.

 

It has been a month since I've posted this and yet I still haven't found much of an interest or hobby. TV is still boring, video games haven't been played, walking is getting dull, working out isn't having much of an impact on my mood, and the friends I have are mostly still apart of the lifestyle I'm trying to leave behind.

 

While time is pushing my emotions away, I'm still having a difficult time finding where I belong. I can't explain the feeling, but I've felt it before. It's not depression, it's not anxiety, it's not ADD: the best I can describe it is that I feel out of place, like no matter what I do, the thing I decide to do isn't something I can find myself doing for an extended period of time because I'll get bored with it, like it isn't enough or doesn't fulfil me as much as it did when I first started.

 

Is it possible that the instant gratification of gaming and pornography has messed me up that badly?

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Unfortunately your activities are self exacerbating. Weed, gaming, porn, etc all contribute to your poor physical and mental health. The absence of your partner brings this to light. You are the only one who can turn it around. However you will have to get to a physician and therapist to help pull you out of the inertia and chronic negativity.

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Unfortunately your activities are self exacerbating. Weed, gaming, porn, etc all contribute to your poor physical and mental health. The absence of your partner brings this to light. You are the only one who can turn it around. However you will have to get to a physician and therapist to help pull you out of the inertia and chronic negativity.

 

While I did play games and watch porn in the relationship, I haven't smoked in years. The games stopped months ago and the pornography more recently. I'm not in such a negative spot that I would require a therapist. I've been to one in the past: I can't say it was any more helpful than talking to a stranger and I can't afford one anyways. I'm just in a position where I litterally have no interests that make it to where I can connect with people on a level that means something or holds my interest possibly due to my biggest hobby being video games the past 20 years of my life.

 

I don't know how else to explain it other than that I lack the capacity to stay engaged. I try and many things go over my head because I'm simply not in the loop with the terms or the subject. People wonder why I don't get certain quotes or phrases, know celebrities names, songs or band names, and my only answer is that I never paid it any attention. I feel alienated even in situations I'm fully wanted to be a part in.

 

How the hell do I turn that around?

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Staying engaged is a choice. Always. I have to every morning when I power walk at sunrise (haven't gone back to my gym yet because of covid) - I literally have to stay engaged with the outdoors, with keeping up my speed, with cheering myself on. Choose to pay attention. My 11 year old is into video games that bore me or that I'm not good at or both but if he asks me to play, to try, I give him my full attention -I focus on doing that. When my mother in law was in hospice 7 years ago and my husband was grieving and often even quieter/more introspective than ever -when he chose to speak about anything -I stopped what I was doing -no tv no phone no computer -and I simply listened with an open mind and heart -but I had to choose to stop the distractions, choose to listen, choose to stay engaged - our son was 4 years old and a handful, I was solo parenting and exhausted so my husband could be with his mother as much as possible- but I felt it was my responsibility to show up for him no matter how inconvenient it was at the moment. I mean I should always be that way but typically couples like us are fine with having conversations while the TV is on or even when we're working on something on our phone or even playing on a phone. Depends on the level of importance.

 

But since 2013 I've made a concerted effort that if it's not just "you know we need more ketchup"that I show him that my phone is put away or whatever and I make eye contact and let him speak his mind about whatever. But often it's a choice. Especially during this chaotic time. So if you care about others, want to connect -you can make that choice. You have the "capacity".

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You can go to a doctor MD (you can afford that and in fact should start there) and ask why you are so socially withdrawn and have no interests in life and anhedonia

 

Or just complain and dig yourself in deeper. You turn it around by doing something about it rather than resisting any type of change or help. Talk therapy is for support not to pull someone our of this type of mindset.

I litterally have no interests that make it to where I can connect with people on a level that means something or holds my interest. I feel alienated even in situations I'm fully wanted to be a part in.
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Staying engaged is a choice. Always.

...

Especially during this chaotic time. So if you care about others, want to connect -you can make that choice. You have the "capacity".

 

I do care about others and want to engage, it just feels like I don't have much to say I guess. I really don't know how else to put it: I listen as much as I can with little to no input. I do agree that it is a choice, I'm just stuck on how to keep from becoming uninterested I guess?

 

You can go to a doctor MD (you can afford that and in fact should start there) and ask why you are so socially withdrawn and have no interests in life and anhedonia

 

Or just complain and dig yourself in deeper. You turn it around by doing something about it rather than resisting any type of change or help. Talk therapy is for support not to pull someone our of this type of mindset.

 

If asking for help and explaining myself on how I'm experiencing things is complaining, should I just shut up and keep it all to myself without getting input from someone who might have experienced something similar? No!

 

I'm not resisting help, I just don't see the point in going to a doctor to ask questions about myself when the causes are laid out in front of me; a breakup, relocation, changes in lifelong habits, changes in lifestyle, zero friends that are clean of drugs, and a lot of time to think. I'm not drinking, smoking, or doing anything out of the ordinary that would require the use of medication to adjust to a lifestyle that should have been all along.

 

You're right, talk therapy is for support, so I lean on friends and family, talk on this forum, use 7cups and do everything I can within my abilities in an attempt to not feel like I need to triangulate my position in a life that feels foreign to me. I do not agree with medicine to treat the mind when it's somethings like this. I've tried medicating in my adolescence, changed medication when it didn't work several times, and was tired of feeling like a zombie when taking them. Eventually, even without the medication to "pull me out," I was my skinny-assed, video game playing, socially awkward self again and happy about it.

 

I relied too heavily on things that kept me from actually socializing with a larger group of people. Now that I'm trying to re-enter and socialize like a normal human-being, and not someone glued to a freaking screen, nothing makes sense right now. So while I appreciate your input, wiseman2, it seems you're tired of hearing everyone's bull and jump straight to "you need a doctor."

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But it does sound like you might have ADD or something similar.

 

I always say I have the attention span of a gnat. I start something and can easily get distracted or lose interest. Since I am a manager at work and MUST focus, I had to find a way to do so. My doctor put me through a battery of tests to find the culprit. My issues were under-treated high blood pressure and some vitamin deficiencies. I also suffer from anxiety. A doctor can be very, very useful in pinpointing the root cause of issues.

 

Your issues were exacerbated by the breakup but it sounds like the issues preceded the relationship. THAT is worth exploring with a medical professional.

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Since I am a manager at work and MUST focus, I had to find a way to do so.

 

During college, my attention was focused on getting straight A's. I had no issues keeping on task, though I did procrastinate from time to time and neglected my role as a SO.

 

My doctor put me through a battery of tests to find the culprit ... A doctor can be very, very useful in pinpointing the root cause of issues.

 

If I may ask, what kind of test were done? Were these tests expensive? I'm not working at the moment and just started paying back school loans on top of other things.

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I am lucky to have excellent insurance. So I had a small-ish co-pay for my tests. The doctor ordered a nerve test, an EKG, a brain MRI and a colonoscopy. He also ordered blood work. My brain was OK (although I joked that they might find an empty skull lol) and so were my heart and nerves. They did find that I have an issue with a B12 deficiency and my blood pressure was not controlled despite medication. Also, the way I take my medication had to be changed.

 

I am also in line to see a therapist since I have been suffering from debilitating anxiety during this pandemic.

 

I used to go to a federally subsidized clinic for my medical care. Each visit cost about $100. I did have to save up in order to go, but I did receive excellent care.

 

I am able to focus, but it has to be something I want to do. For example, if I am cleaning I focus on that and don't usually get distracted. But when it's something I don't want to do or if it's something I have little interest in I flit about like a gnat.

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