How to get back in touch considering I'm blocked everywhere.

[boltnrun]

You can't make someone want to be with you.

 

How many times in the past 10 years has she reached out to you? When has she indicated she wants to join you in "trying to fix this"?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry but barging into someone's life after 10 years with these armchair diagnoses is creepy as hell.

I'm pretty sure she has BPD and an avoidant attachment style.

[Grimlockkk]

You have no clue if this woman is even still single, OP.

 

You’re getting way, way ahead of yourself here.

 

She's in my rolodex of people I search on Google out of curiosity. Actually, just two or three people. The other two are former flatmates.

 

I'm pretty sure right now she's single, and might be having an affair.

 

I'm fine with not dating. I'm more reasonable with logistics than I was when 24. I would have been fine having a long distance committed relationship. She's definitely very cute, but looks are worthless while dating. The biggest mistake a lot of young women make is being the hot chick. My understanding is in the second half of life hot chicks end up struggling. Beautiful women do fine. It's hot that ends tragically.

[jimthzz]

So I looked up the info on MDMA, Ecstasy or Molly. You are out of your mind if you think that dosing on that with her (presuming she even wants to do so, which I doubt) is an option.

 

It is illegal and there is no quality control and no identified therapeutic effect on people. it is strictly a dangerous chemical used recreationally by drug takers--period. Essentially, it is an addled-brained idea.

 

An excerpt about it from https://www.centeronaddiction.org/the-buzz-blog/what-molly-and-how-can-it-kill-you

 

 

'the synthetic drugs found in Molly can cause chest pains, paranoia, hallucinations, psychotic and violent behavior, dehydration, kidney failure and, in several instances, death. Molly samples have also been found to contain addictive drugs, such as methamphetamine, heroin, ketamine, PCP and amphetamines. The ingredients in Molly have been implicated in the emergency room visits and deaths of people who assumed they were taking pure MDMA.'

[MissCanuck]

She's in my rolodex of people I search on Google out of curiosity. Actually, just two or three people. The other two are former flatmates.

 

I'm pretty sure right now she's single, and might be having an affair..

 

And what exactly have you found on Google which leads you to believe she is single and possibly having an affair?

 

I would print out this entire thread and take it to your therapist, OP. Your thought process here is out of touch with reality.

[boltnrun]

You can't make someone want to be with you.

 

How many times in the past 10 years has she reached out to you? When has she indicated she wants to join you in "trying to fix this"?

 

Quoting myself because I'm still curious about these questions.

[bluecastle]

I do not understand why the advice is just leave her alone, and move on.

 

I'll give you my reasons.

 

The more you write, the more you are describing a relationship that was toxic and abusive, one in which two people excavated their worst sides and made a mess. Spending 10 years wanting to reunite with someone who hit you, encouraged you to end your life, around whom you were primarily anxious, and to whom you were psychotically abusive—well, I'm sorry, but that does not enter my brain and register as healthy or something to return to.

 

Replace "her" with "heroin" or "this guy I was once bros with who broke my jaw" and my advice would be the same: a door best left shut. Imagine you'd maybe give the same advice in those contexts, if not the romantic planes on which your feet get a bit slippery. And yet it's the same, because toxic is toxic, and the antidote to poison is never more poison.

 

As for this notion of wanting to save her from her personal hell? That, in any context, is unhealthy, since it's predicated on the idea that someone is broken and poisonous, and no human being wants to be seen by another human being like that. The related idea that you are the one person who could "fix" her? Well, that's just pure hubris and, given the time frame here, magical thinking. The fact that you're clinging to these ideas of her—that she is frozen in just the state she was in as a teenager, that you are the remedy—is especially troublesome, in short. Do note that just because you might be cresting into 30 frozen in a certain set of craggy psychological variables dating back to adolescence—addicted to toxicity, say—it doesn't mean everyone else is.

 

I very much agree with MissCanuk that this thread would be a terrific foundation for a few more sessions with a therapist.

[maew]

Being in obsession about someone that has told you in a number of different ways to leave them alone... not only refusing to move on but actively stalking her and looking for opportunities to connect with her... it's beyond self-centered, selfish, arrogant and controlling.

 

And as long as we are doing armchair diagnoses here... the belief that using illicit drugs will solve all of your problems is the text book definition of an addict, which would explain the majority of the behaviors you seem to be exhibiting here and would also explain why you haven't let go and moved on.

[Grimlockkk]

I wasn't psychotically abusive. What I did was make her feel guilty. I don't even know if my words would pass some objective litmus as she was always finding reasons to be angry over minor things.

 

I have anxious attachment style, which means I constantly check up on the relationship, and don't trust very easily. I'm also anxious in general.

[maew]

I wasn't psychotically abusive. What I did was make her feel guilty. I don't even know if my words would pass some objective litmus as she was always finding reasons to be angry over minor things.

I have anxious attachment style, which means I constantly check up on the relationship, and don't trust very easily. I'm also anxious in general.

 

Her reasons for being angry or not wanting to see you don't need to be validated and don't need your approval. She feels how she feels whether you agree with it or not and perhaps one of the reasons she gets so angry is that you refuse to listen to and accept what she says.

 

You are using her to feel secure instead of finding ways to feel secure in yourself, which is why you continue to try and control the situation. I get that it's scary to let go but if you do... you will find freedom in no longer grinding away in your head on how you can get her back.

[Grimlockkk]

Being in obsession about someone that has told you in a number of different ways to leave them alone... not only refusing to move on but actively stalking her and looking for opportunities to connect with her... it's beyond self-centered, selfish, arrogant and controlling.

 

And as long as we are doing armchair diagnoses here... the belief that using illicit drugs will solve all of your problems is the text book definition of an addict, which would explain the majority of the behaviors you seem to be exhibiting here and would also explain why you haven't let go and moved on.

 

I'm not stalking her, in the legal sense. Maybe, in a sense people are uncomfortable with, which a ton of people admit to doing.

 

Sure, she told me that she wanted nothing to do with me. I always backed off, and then came back later for different results. If anything it's the fact I kept asking her about dating. Ok, I get some people have issues with commitment, which she clearly had. We got into fights over her sharing going on trips with her dad, in the past, to ride rollercoasters. The fact I asked if she wanted to deepen our connection by adding more meaningful bonding moments was a red flag as that was pretty early on.

 

And you misread what I had wrote. I'm saying that if she was willing to use mdma, which is legal for therapy in a year, we could repair the shattered bond. If I'm obsessed with anything it's work, and how to better improve my work life, which is why I date in my department. I don't want anything housewife. I want someone I spend 80+ hours a week working with.

 

I have not moved on since I'm still in love with her. It's the same emotionally when someone dies and refuses to see new partners. I'm trying figure out how to massage my fantasy of cordial reunification.

[Grimlockkk]

Her reasons for being angry or not wanting to see you don't need to be validated and don't need your approval. She feels how she feels whether you agree with it or not and perhaps one of the reasons she gets so angry is that you refuse to listen to and accept what she says.

 

You are using her to feel secure instead of finding ways to feel secure in yourself, which is why you continue to try and control the situation. I get that it's scary to let go but if you do... you will find freedom in no longer grinding away in your head on how you can get her back.

 

She does have borderline personality disorder, or at least traits that fit that diagnosis. Her close friends thought of her as bipolar. Bipolar is moody for two weeks, and then fine. BPD is extreme ups and downs over emotional stimulus. I spent a long time with, and I've met other women with similar behaviors that definitely had BPD diagnoses, and I've spoken with enough guys who dated women with BPD to be pretty sure she had BPD.

 

She does not need to validate it. What I'm saying is in a healthy relationship you negotiate, and talk through this you don't scream at each other. She did tell me I did not listen to her; so, I asked if she has "any examples," and she just started screaming at me. I believe she thought I was attacking her, (again we never spoke directly about fights, and I just bought her stuff to attempt to appease her anger) as she indicated to me her dad always told her how below par her work was. She'd fight with me for agreeing with her too much, and disagree. All I was trying to do was not set her off.

 

By minor, I mean missing a turn, putting soy sauce on my rice, etc.

 

I tend to piss people off, but at the end of the day I'm usually right. Look it comes down to beliefs, and the fact I'm almost certain modern physics implies there's a very high probability time is circular, and don't want to be stuck being separated from someone I view as kin.

[Grimlockkk]

I'll give you my reasons.

 

The more you write, the more you are describing a relationship that was toxic and abusive, one in which two people excavated their worst sides and made a mess. Spending 10 years wanting to reunite with someone who hit you, encouraged you to end your life, around whom you were primarily anxious, and to whom you were psychotically abusive—well, I'm sorry, but that does not enter my brain and register as healthy or something to return to.

 

Replace "her" with "heroin" or "this guy I was once bros with who broke my jaw" and my advice would be the same: a door best left shut. Imagine you'd maybe give the same advice in those contexts, if not the romantic planes on which your feet get a bit slippery. And yet it's the same, because toxic is toxic, and the antidote to poison is never more poison.

 

As for this notion of wanting to save her from her personal hell? That, in any context, is unhealthy, since it's predicated on the idea that someone is broken and poisonous, and no human being wants to be seen by another human being like that. The related idea that you are the one person who could "fix" her? Well, that's just pure hubris and, given the time frame here, magical thinking. The fact that you're clinging to these ideas of her—that she is frozen in just the state she was in as a teenager, that you are the remedy—is especially troublesome, in short. Do note that just because you might be cresting into 30 frozen in a certain set of craggy psychological variables dating back to adolescence—addicted to toxicity, say—it doesn't mean everyone else is.

 

I very much agree with MissCanuk that this thread would be a terrific foundation for a few more sessions with a therapist.

 

Except your making false analogies, and guys do make up with other guys that break their jaw. Depends on the context of why they were hitting each other. I have friends that I picked up by the throat when 16, and started choking them out. We made up almost immediately, and are still good friends to this day.

 

Plus I don't want to go back to the past relationship. I want to have the relationship we should have had. We're not speaking because of who we are, but that happened when we were three that set us on a trajectory to break up. It's not that I don't have any responsibility for addressing my part. It's more I don't exactly believe in free will, and don't believe either of us was really at fault.

 

No, I don't think she's irreparably broken. I do think she needed therapy, while dating, and like I've already mentioned with BPD they tend to not seek / stay in treatment. It's even a condition psychologists toss their patients onto other providers

 

I have fantasies about saving women. Probably, has something to do with my relationship with my mother, and it did not help the first girl I had a crush on I had fantasies about saving her from her drug habit. Mostly, breaking into the opium den stabbing a bunch of people, and removing her from that situation.

 

There was a lot of good with the bad too. If you actually read what I wrote litterally I clearly don't want to go back to that relationship, but if we reconnect I'd immediately go to couples therapy. I'd go to couples therapy for a new partner if I got the slightest hint of avoidant attachment.

[Grimlockkk]

Quoting myself because I'm still curious about these questions.

 

Oh, she never indicated she wanted me to come back. I was in her discard phase by then, and declared a terrible person. I watched her do that to multiple other people over the years. She completely removed herself from the entire social circle; so, there is litterally no way for her to indicate to me, and she has reached out previously after going for a year without speaking. Every time she became a little bit more distant. In reality it was more of a six year gradual slide out of dating. We pretty much cuddled till our last meeting.

 

I do not know if I really need her to reach out first, of course that's preferable. Sure, in a sense I'm trying to influence her to humanize me. There has to be a clever way to get my foot in the door.

[Grimlockkk]

So I looked up the info on MDMA, Ecstasy or Molly. You are out of your mind if you think that dosing on that with her (presuming she even wants to do so, which I doubt) is an option.

 

It is illegal and there is no quality control and no identified therapeutic effect on people. it is strictly a dangerous chemical used recreationally by drug takers--period. Essentially, it is an addled-brained idea.

 

An excerpt about it from https://www.centeronaddiction.org/the-buzz-blog/what-molly-and-how-can-it-kill-you

 

 

'the synthetic drugs found in Molly can cause chest pains, paranoia, hallucinations, psychotic and violent behavior, dehydration, kidney failure and, in several instances, death. Molly samples have also been found to contain addictive drugs, such as methamphetamine, heroin, ketamine, PCP and amphetamines. The ingredients in Molly have been implicated in the emergency room visits and deaths of people who assumed they were taking pure MDMA.'

 

Except, I am very well informed, and the FDA gave it breakthrough drug status because it cures PTSD. I do think at the very least it can get us back to speaking terms.

 

Here is a link to the research organization.

 

https://maps.org/research/mdma

[Grimlockkk]

Sorry but barging into someone's life after 10 years with these armchair diagnoses is creepy as hell.

 

It's not an armchair diagnosis. It's just the best way to describe the behaviors. I'm also not barging into her life with those. I came to that in the process of not completely blaming myself. Forever I saw dating as I just need to will it to work.

[MissCanuck]

I'll ask again because I think you missed the question earlier:

 

What exactly have you found on Google that suggests she is single, and possibly having an affair?

[jimthzz]

So I looked up the info on MDMA, Ecstasy or Molly. You are out of your mind if you think that dosing on that with her (presuming she even wants to do so, which I doubt) is an option.

 

It is illegal and there is no quality control and no identified therapeutic effect on people. it is strictly a dangerous chemical used recreationally by drug takers--period. Essentially, it is an addled-brained idea.

 

An excerpt about it from https://www.centeronaddiction.org/the-buzz-blog/what-molly-and-how-can-it-kill-you

 

 

'the synthetic drugs found in Molly can cause chest pains, paranoia, hallucinations, psychotic and violent behavior, dehydration, kidney failure and, in several instances, death. Molly samples have also been found to contain addictive drugs, such as methamphetamine, heroin, ketamine, PCP and amphetamines. The ingredients in Molly have been implicated in the emergency room visits and deaths of people who assumed they were taking pure MDMA.'

 

Except, I am very well informed, and the FDA gave it breakthrough drug status because it cures PTSD. I do think at the very least it can get us back to speaking terms.

 

Here is a link to the research organization.

 

https://maps.org/research/mdma

 

Um, no, that is not the conclusion of the FDA, that the drug is a cure. even your own website link states that approval was given for a "clinical trial" on 50 individuals who have PTSD. There is nothing about off-diagnosis use of the drug for what you propose to do.

 

The MAPS organization is a research tool for those who want to use psychedelics as medicine.

 

I do not see that the FDA would legalize any psychedelic drug a a therapy.

[Grimlockkk]

And what exactly have you found on Google which leads you to believe she is single and possibly having an affair?

 

I would print out this entire thread and take it to your therapist, OP. Your thought process here is out of touch with reality.

 

Well, I'm pretty sure she's single, as she has gone through long stretches of being single. Dating is far down from re-establishing cordial relations.

 

Well, my phone informed me she signed up for an Instagram account. (I still have a number. No idea if it's current) noticed nothing went up. Based off of the naming scheme and her LinkedIn I confirmed that's an account she has. I noticed a bunch of foreigners following, and one dude from the game industry. (not on his main account) Looked him up, and found out he's married. Now, through some detective skills if you piece together a guy following a girl's Instagram, no photos of her, and he's the only English speaker that man is having an affair. I could drop a dossier off with his wife.

 

It's not that I want to change her. I just want her to realize all of those relationship fallouts I supported her through were most likely good friends she was treating terribly. Not bad people, like she used to describe them.

[Grimlockkk]

Um, no, that is not the conclusion of the FDA, that the drug is a cure. even your own website link states that approval was given for a "clinical trial" on 50 individuals who have PTSD. There is nothing about off-diagnosis use of the drug for what you propose to do.

 

The MAPS organization is a research tool for those who want to use psychedelics as medicine.

 

I do not see that the FDA would legalize any psychedelic drug a a therapy.

 

You're wrong all of the psychedelics are going to be legal soon. Couples therapists want to use it in practice, because it can let you empathize with even Hitler. Mdma assisted couples therapy would probably take you to articles.

 

Again this was out of my control, as it was known by clinicians to be effective therapy for various psychological disorders in 1985. We could have used that medication to we breakthrough each others defenses, and learn how to improve our relationship if it was not for Nancy Regan using tarot cards to decide drug policy. She murdered a very good friend of mine, and all of our veterans that shoot up each other.

 

Actually, there is very little we have control of in our lives. More like red socks or green.

 

Link: https://www.google.com/amp/s/bigthink.com/sex-relationships/decades-ago-mdma-was-used-in-marriage-counseling.amp.html

 

What I'm referring to is much closer to meditating, while taking mushrooms.

[maew]

She does have borderline personality disorder, or at least traits that fit that diagnosis. Her close friends thought of her as bipolar. Bipolar is moody for two weeks, and then fine. BPD is extreme ups and downs over emotional stimulus. I spent a long time with, and I've met other women with similar behaviors that definitely had BPD diagnoses, and I've spoken with enough guys who dated women with BPD to be pretty sure she had BPD.

 

My best friend has officially diagnosed BPD so I am familiar with the disorder and it's not what you are currently describing.

 

She does not need to validate it. What I'm saying is in a healthy relationship you negotiate, and talk through this you don't scream at each other. She did tell me I did not listen to her; so, I asked if she has "any examples," and she just started screaming at me.

 

You don't have a healthy relationship... you don't have any relationship.

 

She must have been incredibly frustrated with your behavior. She told you what she felt the problem was, and you refuse to hear what she is saying or to look at your part, much like you are doing with us.

 

 

I tend to piss people off, but at the end of the day I'm usually right.

 

And this is probably why she was always angry at you... because you don't hear or accept anything unless it's what you want to hear.

 

Please post actual scientific articles that point to the use of psychedelics in legitimate therapy practices vs articles from conspiracy theory websites.

[MissCanuck]

Well, my phone informed me she signed up for an Instagram account. (I still have a number. No idea if it's current) noticed nothing went up. Based off of the naming scheme and her LinkedIn I confirmed that's an account she has. I noticed a bunch of foreigners following, and one dude from the game industry. (not on his main account) Looked him up, and found out he's married. Now, through some detective skills if you piece together a guy following a girl's Instagram, no photos of her, and he's the only English speaker that man is having an affair. I could drop a dossier off with his wife.

 

No, you really couldn't. You have no basis for that assumption at all. What you're doing is cobbling together pieces of information that are unverified, and weaving a narrative that has zero factual evidence to support it. You're applying your interpretation as if it's the only explanation, which there could be easily be numerous alternative and thoroughly plausible explanations.

 

I also fail to see how you know she's been single for long stretches in the past if you've had no contact for years, and no longer share any mutual friends.

 

I'm sorry, OP. I don't mean to be insensitive, but your fixation on this woman is terribly unhealthy. It would be different if you were just interested in reaching out to long-lost ex to see what's up these days, but that is not at all the impression I'm getting from your posts. You are stuck somewhere in the past, and obsessing to the point where you're looking up random men on the IG profile of a woman you last spoke to 10 years ago. I think that someday, when you are emotionally healthy again, you will be able to see how concerning your own behaviour is here. I do hope you're honest with your therapist and explain what you're dealing with here; hopefully he or she can guide you back to a better place.

[Grimlockkk]

My best friend has officially diagnosed BPD so I am familiar with the disorder and it's not what you are currently describing.

 

 

 

You don't have a healthy relationship... you don't have any relationship.

 

She must have been incredibly frustrated with your behavior. She told you what she felt the problem was, and you refuse to hear what she is saying or to look at your part, much like you are doing with us.

 

 

 

 

And this is probably why she was always angry at you... because you don't hear or accept anything unless it's what you want to hear.

 

I was willing to look at. I asked for examples to correct the behavior. I could tell I clearly hurt her, and felt terrible. I just wanted to solve the problem.

 

I'll accept what someone says after engaging in reasoning, and believing their view point has a logical basis. I don't know how to address interpersonal issues, without falling back on my philosophy degree, and analyzing their position.

 

Like I've said I have a learning disorder that mostly negatively impacts social skills.

 

No, she was angry at everyone. She's a friendly drunk, and really mean while sober.

 

BPD presents itself differently depending on the person. Look, I'm sorry going from jumping up to kiss my forehead, and going to the other extreme, because I dislike Mudvayne. I mean full on tantrum: stomping, screaming, brooding, and having to leave the concert seems like someone at 21 should have not been doing.

 

It's in the cluster B personality disorders. The other one's are scary and malicious.

[Grimlockkk]

No, you really couldn't. You have no basis for that assumption at all. What you're doing is cobbling together pieces of information that are unverified, and weaving a narrative that has zero factual evidence to support it. You're applying your interpretation as if it's the only explanation, which there could be easily be numerous alternative and thoroughly plausible explanations.

 

I also fail to see how you know she's been single for long stretches in the past if you've had no contact for years, and no longer share any mutual friends.

 

I'm sorry, OP. I don't mean to be insensitive, but your fixation on this woman is terribly unhealthy. It would be different if you were just interested in reaching out to long-lost ex to see what's up these days, but that is not at all the impression I'm getting from your posts. You are stuck somewhere in the past, and obsessing to the point where you're looking up random men on the IG profile of a woman you last spoke to 10 years ago. I think that someday, when you are emotionally healthy again, you will be able to see how concerning your own behaviour is here. I do hope you're honest with your therapist and explain what you're dealing with here; hopefully he or she can guide you back to a better place.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with my behavior. I look her up on occasion. I was paranoid while dating about her cheating on me, and I was right to feel uncomfortable with her being in touch with ex-boyfriends I brushed it away because I did not want to be controlling.

 

The other explanation is its some sort of polyamory thing. I don't have definitive proof, but if the wife has suspicions I would confirm it for her. It's a certain anxious feeling I get that I've learned to listen to.

[Grimlockkk]

I don't think there is anything wrong with my behavior. I look her up on occasion. I was paranoid while dating about her cheating on me, and I was right to feel uncomfortable with her being in touch with ex-boyfriends I brushed it away because I did not want to be controlling.

 

The other explanation is its some sort of polyamory thing. I don't have definitive proof, but if the wife has suspicions I would confirm it for her. It's a certain anxious feeling I get that I've learned to listen to.

 

And anonymously dropping off a dossier would confirm or deny this. It does reek of affair.

 

 

I did stake a future identity, which I want very badly, Roberta Williams and her husband founding Sierra Entertainment (sign post) on that relationship working out. While we had problems for sure we were both misanthropes. She was also the first woman I actually spoke to. I would not make eye contact or even really speak to girls till senior year of high school.

 

You're dating pool is like five people in the US.

 

If she won't date me I just go all Henry Rollins, and swear off of dating because I don't want to deal with the wild emotional swings, and everyone having something I dislike about them.