Can't walk away from fwb

[Nancy1971]

It may be coz i dont wanna deal with the drama that happens when in a relationship.

 

Here's a little of my dating history:

 

I was a late bloomer. I lost my virginity with my 1st and only bf for 9 years when i was 20. I was one of those who was gonna wait until i get married to have sex but decided to do it with him after 1 1/2 years of dating. We did everything else though before that when we were dating except intercourse. We were both virgins so it was both our first time.

 

So sex in my 20s with him (we were of the same age) was good. Couldn't compare it to anything else coz i was never with anyone else but him. I remember enjoying it.

 

So then we broke up at 29 the same year we got engaged. No 3rd party and i think he just got the cold feet. I was devastated from the break up not because the engagement was off but because we had to break up. He was my world. I thought it was gonna be him for the rest of my life and i would have never mind that. I didnt feel i had to experience how it is to be with someone else.

 

So in my 30s, i just lived life. Did a lot of traveling and just enjoyed not being with someone. I tried online dating to make myself feel like im not the only one whos looking and that was the only reason really. I became a serial 1st dater and this is prob because im a very picky person. I remember being scared of trying how it is to have sex with another person as i only had 1 partner for 9 years. I had a few but not many sexual encounters as a result of putting myself online. Mostly just one time with a guy.

 

In my early 30s was when i met someone online who became my buddy. He was 5 yrs younger and had a gf. I met him on a chatline. We had sex the 1st time we met after talking for awhile. I was just gonna do it once yet he contacted me again and thought it wasn't a bad idea to get laid by someone that i dont have to be with as a gf. That lasted for 7 years. I was getting it often like weekly and it was great coz i need to keep the sex dept activd somehow. Ive always known that i enjoy sex. I had to end it coz he got someone pregnant and i just couldn't do it anymore. We used condom all the time. I hooked up with a couple of guys after him until i settled with having a fwb with this current fwb i have.

 

I met this current fwb i have a little after my break up when he came to cali to visit his sister. That was 20 yrs ago. We kept in touch and he even had a gf that he was with for a while and then they broke up. And then 5 yrs ago, we agreed to our little arrangement as fwb.

 

So i havent really dated much. Im getting with these guys because i need a man's touch and i love taking care of a man in bed. I dont care too much about the drama. Ive been single my whole life and im good with just being single. Not all with someone are happy anyways. Ive been dating myself for a long time now and im ok with it. I so know how pleasure myself yet its nothing like a guy's touch. Sometimes i even try and think like a guy with no emotions coz i think its easier but im a chick and cant help it but to deal with my emotions.

[Nancy1971]

Last msg is for u Holly

[Nancy1971]

To wiseman

 

I am over my last relationship.

No im not a prostitute.

[ThatwasThen]

To wiseman

 

I am over my last relationship.

No im not a prostitute.

 

Wait, What? He is paying you $150.00 (at least) dollars to fly to his gennies. What other adjective would you call it?

 

So i havent really dated much. Im getting with these guys because i need a man's touch and i love taking care of a man in bed.

Get the therapy you need to stop your casual lifestyle or to at least learn how to be happy in the dynamic. You are not happy in the dynamic but rather addicted to it which makes you miserable in between hits of your drug of choice called non-committed sex with taken men or non committing men.

 

Ive been dating myself for a long time now and im ok with it.

Hardly. If you were, you would have no need to start this thread complaining about not being able to quit your 'pimp.'

[Nancy1971]

To Batya

 

I do know how to control myself. Just not very good at matters that pertains to the heart.

[ThatwasThen]

To Batya

 

I do know how to control myself. Just not very good at matters that pertains to the heart.

This is not a matter of the heart but rather a matter of your psyche. Get thee to a therapist.

[Nancy1971]

To bluecstle

 

Yah hopefully one day. Therapy? I dont know, maybe one day. Ive had some challenges before and im proud to say i made it out of the hole without therapy or meds. Thanks

[ThatwasThen]

I just wanna love and be loved even if its just a little.

Unfortunately, you're too afraid to let love in and that is why you choose to be with men who can not or will not give you the love you wish for. Get the help you need to aid you in getting past your fear.

[Nancy1971]

To thatwasthen

 

?? Hes not paying me but helping me on the airfare. I actually brought that up that since he gets benefits from this then he needs to help out too or im out. Wish he said no then this madness would have ended a long time ago!

[ThatwasThen]

To thatwasthen

 

?? Hes not paying me but helping me on the airfare. I actually brought that up that since he gets benefits from this then he needs to help out too or im out. Wish he said no then this madness would have ended a long time ago!

 

You are accepting money to go and service and be serviced. Just saying. It's particularly telling since you asked for that money in order to get to him for said service. Its up to you how you spin it to make it okay in your mind but by doing that, you are just contributing to the "you-are-your-own-worse-enemy" dogma. You DID start a thread because you are looking for advice on why you are unable to break your little arrangement with him so why not stop spinning it in your own mind so it makes it okay to keep the status quo?

[Nancy1971]

To thatwasthen

 

No im not. I just fall for the wrong guys while ignoring guys who pursue me who could be the right guy.

 

By the way, im new here and this is my first post. Im not complaining but just collecting on what other people think of my situation. Ive learned a lot from all u guys now its just my turn to execute what might help.

 

Thank you all.

[Nancy1971]

To thatwasthen

 

If ure getting agitated by this thread, please leave and dont comment. Last thing i want to do is ruin ur day by trying to be correct. Im sure u have ur own issues to resolve also.

[loyal]

Thank you all for your advice. I appreciate you taking your time to write your feedback. I am aware that the person that needs to be blame for getting myself in this situation is myself. I do love myself yet i do things that hurt myself emotionally. I admit im weak when it comes to emotions. Very weak actually. I do know what to do yet my heart contradicts with my brain.

I dont want much. I just wanna love and be loved even if its just a little.

 

If you want to love and be loved, you need to stop having these only-physical relationships. You've been meeting up with men who are already in relationships. Would you want someone to do that with your boyfriend? It kind of sounds like you need to take a break from sleeping with people and figure out what exactly is going on with YOU. Nobody want to buy a cow that gives its milk away freely.

[bluecastle]

Some thoughts to do with what you will, though what I really hope what you'll do is explore this stuff with a professional.

 

Seems to me that, subconsciously, you have spent the years since you were 29 trying to punish yourself for failing to have become the virgin bride that, once upon a time, you believed you were supposed to be. Your first "slip" (in quotes because I'm talking self-perception and social conditioning, not reality) from that "pure" path occurred when you slept with your boyfriend before getting married, but that was "okay" because you were going to get married, be each other's first and only, and live only a slightly "dirty" version of the "pure" fairytale.

 

But when the relationship ended, at 29? Now you were just "dirty," physically and emotionally. And men? Men were cold and cold-footed destroyers of "purity," flingers of dirt and despair. An understandable way to feel, and the way most people feel, on some level, when a relationship ends, particularly a formative one. But instead of moving through that that first wave of pain, reckoning it and coming to peace with it, you've kind of stayed frozen in it. Seems you've sought out ways, and people, to affirm that identity, that story of yourself as a sullied woman who is no longer deserving of the full package where hot sex and deep love coexist and commingle.

 

I think you are long overdue in figuring out how to forgive yourself, and men, so you can enjoy romance in whatever form you genuinely want. Because it's not what you've been doing, hard as you try to convince yourself otherwise.

[ThatwasThen]

To thatwasthen

 

If ure getting agitated by this thread, please leave and dont comment. Last thing i want to do is ruin ur day by trying to be correct. Im sure u have ur own issues to resolve also.

If you are agitated with the responses I'm giving you please tell me that instead of trying to deflect what you are feeling back onto me. I'm not agitated in the least, I'm just telling you what I see from your responses. Clearly I'm hitting a nerve if you think that a stranger on the internet whom I'm responding to with honesty could "ruin my day." Please do yourself the loving thing and start being honest with yourself. It will be the very first step you take to quit your eff buddy. It is why you came here according to your opening post.

 

I'm telling you straight up and I'm doing it without malice towards you and without being agitated.

[Nancy1971]

To loyal

 

Im not sleeping with just anybody and im not giving my milk for free. It takes a lot for me to sleep with somebody. I think too much is why. Been sleeping with this fwb going 6 years this year and wanna end it.

[Nancy1971]

To thatwasthen

 

I do not accept money to service and be serviced. That just sounds so cheap. You made it sound dirty wos what hit my nerve. Its not like that. We hang out and do other stuff like normal friends do.

[Batya33]

To Batya

 

I do know how to control myself. Just not very good at matters that pertains to the heart.

 

Total contradiction. You don't know how to control yourself if that's your exception - because it's when it's hardest that it's put to the test. And this is not heart -you have feelings for your sex partner (is he really a friend of yours -would he come visit if sex wasn't on the table??) - this is you wanting what you can't have. Please don't indulge in the whole "I'm just a romantic -I'm all about love so of course I can't control myself." Matters of the heart is a feeling. You can improve at reacting to those feelings in healthier, non destructive ways.

[ThatwasThen]

To thatwasthen

 

I do not accept money to service and be serviced. That just sounds so cheap. You made it sound dirty wos what hit my nerve. Its not like that. We hang out and do other stuff like normal friends do.

He's still paying you to escort him and you're paying him to be escorted. I'm sorry but a rose by any other name is still a rose. Once you learn boundaries and the tools you need to respect yourself as well as ways to calm your fears of commitment with the help of therapist, you will see the gist of just how you are settling for such an arrangement when clearly you are not happy in this dynamic. You hope for more, you suffer when your little tryst is over and done only to look forward to the relief of when he offers you another $150.00 to come and do it all over again wherein you THINK the sex is so amazing when in reality it just the intense hit of your drug of choice once again that just leads you to the same withdrawl pains when your drug is withdrawn (when you leave).

 

If you don't accept money to service and be serviced then why are you accepting it? What spin on it do you tell yourself?

[bluecastle]

It takes a lot for me to sleep with somebody.

 

Look closely at this sentence, and try to pick it apart. What has it generally "taken," with the exception of your long ago boyfriend, to sleep with someone? Best I can tell, aside from attraction, the key requirements have been a man who does not love you, does not want to commit to you, and is often committed to another woman. Does all that add up to "a lot" in your mind?

 

I'm not saying that to shame you, as my attitude about sex is about as shame-free as it gets; I make no distinction in someone's character based on whether they've slept with one person or 100.

 

But what I see is that you're using the language of romantic depth—language connected, perhaps, to ideas of sex and romance that were formed in your head before you'd experienced much of either—to rationalize a version of sex and romance that feels shallow to you and, with so much of it involving infidelity, is more a gesture of disrespect than anything else.

 

There are very real dangers to all that.

 

Picture me sitting in what one those inflatable backyard pools and telling you that I'm swimming in the ocean. "No," you'd maybe try to tell me, "that is just a little piece of plastic filled with a hose, but your brain wants so badly to be out there in the ocean that it is tricking you." And if I replied by telling you that it was the ocean—well, I think you would hope that I could get some help in seeing the truth, since the difference between a plastic bag and the Pacific Ocean is not subtle.

[Nancy1971]

Ok i think im done with this thread. Thank you all for your input. You guys been great! Enjoy the rest of your day. 🙂

[ThatwasThen]

Ok i think im done with this thread. Thank you all for your input. You guys been great! Enjoy the rest of your day. 🙂

 

Escaping yet again so you don't have to face your own truth. I DO hope that you stop fearing getting better and do what you need to do to find peace within.

 

The first step is going zero contact with this man you are addicted to and start spending that money you have been to get another hit of him, on personal therapy. Maybe google Nurturing Your Inner Child and "Fear of Commitment and see if any of that resonates with you as well since I suspect you likely didn't have very nurturing parents when you were little and your fear of commitment is apparent.

[Hollyj]

To loyal

 

Im not sleeping with just anybody and im not giving my milk for free. It takes a lot for me to sleep with somebody. I think too much is why. Been sleeping with this fwb going 6 years this year and wanna end it.

 

Then end it already!

 

Please seek therapy. There are some serious trust issues going on, and you are making terrible choices.

[Batya33]

But you are sleeping with men with no commitment and men who are committed to others. How is that "taking a lot for you?" Isn't it the opposite?

[ThatwasThen]

But you are sleeping with men with no commitment and men who are committed to others. How is that "taking a lot for you?" Isn't it the opposite?

 

No... It's the perfect scenerio for those that fear commitment. Subconsciously she knows they can't commit to her because they are committed to someone else so they appear safe... unfortunately it's her feelings of safety that allow her to become vulnerable to these guys and when you become vulnerable to someone, that is when you fall in love (or think you do) with them.

 

Op is her own worst enemy.