Riri2019 Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 Hello everyone, i hope you are doing well, here is my situation i'll try to make it as short and clear as i can. I have a boyfriend, we have been dating for one year and a half, we've been through a lot together and always managed to get over hardships (broke up a few times and got back together)... Now, we are stable and fine. During last summer, we had some big quarrel, broke up after it and all, but now everything is fixed... The thing is during that periode, he got along with one of his work colleague (that has a boyfriend, they've been dating for almost three years now) Anyway, there was nothing special between them, they still get along well now, he always says she is a good friend and i know it. But the thing is during one of our summer fights, he happened to compare me to her and mentionned that he gets along better with her than me (he justified saying this by telling me that he was trying to expose our problem and explain that all he wanted was to get even better along with me). He used some hurting words like, you are boring and we are (the two of them) accomplices; back then it's broke my heart in pieces. Now the problem is that no matter how much time passes, no matter how much better we are, whenever i see them together (even just chatting) i can't take it, she's also a little bit flirty with him sometimes and i really hate it, it just hurts. I'm traumatised, i keep comparing myself to her, think she's way better than me (she's pretty and popular and get along well with others)... I also keep giving hints to my boyfriend like saying "i might hit her car" jokingly or like "just go to her then" when i'm angry, he just laughs and doesn't mind it, i know he realises that i don't like her much but he never reacts in any way, however when i'm really angry and hurt, he consoles me, and tells me that of all girls i'm the one he would choose! Oh god, the thing is, i really need to know if i'm making up all of this in my head, and i'm just being excessivly jealous, i feel obssessed with this, and it's hurting so much that i can't even properly enjoy my boyfriend. I avoid talking about it with him because i feel like there's no solution, he's not doing anything wrong, i reminded him once about what he said during that fight and told him it hurted me, he apologied, but it doesn't feel enough. Any remark or observation or advice are welcomed, and thank you for your help guys, it means a lot! Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 Sorry to hear this. On/off relationships are never really 'fixed" they just cycle between arguing, breaking up making up without anything moving forward. Just like you and this bf are doing. Nothing is fixed. You are jealous and miserable and he is gossiping about you to her, it's a mess. Your way of dealing with his coworker is unhealthy at best and his is even worse. However the coworker is symptom. The real problem is you two simply do not get along or communicate well. broke up a few times and got back together we had some big quarrel during one of our summer fights He used some hurting words like, you are boring back then it's broke my heart in pieces. I also keep giving hints to my boyfriend like saying "i might hit her car" jokingly or like "just go to her then" when i'm angry Link to comment
Andrina Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 He's in an emotional affair with her, which can be as damaging as a physical relationship. That, plus the fact that you're in an on-again, off-again relationship means, in my opinion, that your relationship shouldn't be. People who really care work on problems together and don't bail, risking losing the person forever. He doesn't stop her cold when she flirts with him. He has no relationship boundaries and doesn't care about your feelings. You're upset more often than being satisfied. Time to bail forever. No bouncing back to him. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 Nothing is fixed about this relationship. Repeat break ups and fights leading to break ups and interlopers = wrong relationship. Link to comment
Riri2019 Posted December 15, 2019 Author Share Posted December 15, 2019 We always knew that we had a communication problem, always worked on fixing it... I know it might seem weird, but the thing is we both get lost whenever we break up, we tried again and again but in vain, i love him and i know love is not an excuse, but no matter how much we try neither keeping up nor breaking up are solutions to fix our hearts.... I always feel like both ways i lose :( Link to comment
Andrina Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 Go no contact when breaking up. Block his number. You can't have closure when you stay in contact, which I assumed happened. It takes a good 4 to 6 months, usually, to start healing and being able to move on. You've never allowed that process to happen. Link to comment
Riri2019 Posted December 15, 2019 Author Share Posted December 15, 2019 Go no contact when breaking up. Block his number. You can't have closure when you stay in contact, which I assumed happened. It takes a good 4 to 6 months, usually, to start healing and being able to move on. You've never allowed that process to happen. Yes you're right we haven't... But what about love?... Doesn't it count??? What do we do with our feelings? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 Love is not a reason to be miserable. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 I thought I "loved" my ex too. Then I got myself away from him and stopped all forms of contact. Yeah, I don't "love" him anymore. And we also did the back and forth thing, which proved it wasn't meant to be. Link to comment
Andrina Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 You can love someone who you are also compatible with in all the major ways. You won't find that appropriate partner, however, until you are free to meet him. No, love by itself isn't enough. My partner needs to treat me right to stay in my life. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 I have a boyfriend, we have been dating for one year and a half, we've been through a lot together and always managed to get over hardships (broke up a few times and got back together)... Now, we are stable Now you are not "stable." You're just coasting with him in angst and anxiety. When you are on and off with someone and you've only been dating a year, then clearly you are with the wrong person. Do yourself a favor and break up FOR GOOD. You would have been over him by now if you never went back with him after the first sign that the two of you couldn't even keep it together within the honeymoon period when you were still enthralled within the new relationship energy. No, love by itself isn't enough. My partner needs to treat me right to stay in my life. That would make a great signature, Andrina. Link to comment
Gary Snyder Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 Well, unfortunately, when in a relationship, he should not talk about other woman like that. I hope you can get over it. If it helps, what counts is the one he loves (you). Love is not enough....... they also have to have integrity and not cheat to be a catch.......if you two are going to mend this thing, he has to stop seeing the other woman. Yeah, and breakups are bad too.........we call them breakups because they are broken. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted December 15, 2019 Share Posted December 15, 2019 When you finally let go of this tug-of-war, and meet the right person it will not feel like this. I always feel like both ways i lose :( Link to comment
Riri2019 Posted December 15, 2019 Author Share Posted December 15, 2019 When you finally let go of this tug-of-war, and meet the right person it will not feel like this. I hope so... Thank you all! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted December 16, 2019 Share Posted December 16, 2019 Yes you're right we haven't... But what about love?... Doesn't it count??? What do we do with our feelings? You two are not compatible. This is evident by multiple break ups. Comparing their relationship to yours, was wrong. It also sounds like he is having an emotional affair. I'm sorry, but this dude is not showing you any respect. I loved my ex, but broke it off as it was unhealthy. Just like your relationship. You will get over this with time, and find the right person. This is not the guy! You need to go no contact and block on everything. Link to comment
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