IN an LTR... but falling in love with an old friend...

[trufo]

Please tell the truth to your (ex)boyfriend. I heard it from someone else and it hurt me so bad. It made me question if there was any love and honesty in the whole relationship.

 

I see two possible paths:

 

1: Tell your bf, see if he wants to continue and go to therapy together.

2: Tell your bf, breakup and take some time off from relationships. The "Who does this in a loving, good relationship" is exactly what my ex told me and she's messing up in her rebound again. She even told me she has no idea what she's doing, doesn't feel love as she felt with us. Her ignorance for her own feelings and values hurt me and will hurt the other guy soon. Getting into a new relationship will probably spell disaster for you as well.

[reinventmyself]

 

 

I don't think it is a question of appropriateness; yes, I have slipped up here. But should a woman cut off a close friendship due to a relationship? That is a very strange world view... I have a lot of guy mates. I'm not a girly girl, I like going out with the lads! Most of them are single, and I would say I am close to a lot of them... should I cut all of them off too? The friendship with him has survived past relationships, longer than this one, without so much as even a flirty word being uttered. We were close friends all through a five year relationship at one point; he was my confidante, the person I would cry to, and not once has he ever made any pass at me or confessed any attraction. And likewise he has had girlfriends and I became friends with some of them.

 

This is nothing to do with the friendship, two people of the opposite sex CAN be close friends when one or the other meets someone and it is absurd to suggest that we should ditch people based on new romantic partners (after all, one should hope friends are for life whilst romances may come and go. And when love turns sour, it is the friends we rely on to get us through those dark times) this has everything to do with my own muddled up emotions.

Of course you shouldn't end your friendships with male friends, but it's a slippery slope when you have and continue an emotionally intimate relationship with them, the way you just described. That made it an easy leap to a physically intimate relationship with him too.

 

Boundaries.

 

You don't put yourself in a temptation rich environment when you are in a committed relationship.

[ThatwasThen]

But should a woman cut off a close friendship due to a relationship?

No but she sure as **** shouldn't be acting like the friend is her boyfriend either. Look what you acting like that got you into.

 

You have zero romantic relationship boundaries in place with him and that makes you quite susceptible (as you've found out) to being unable to remain monogamous.

[Hollyj]

Your 'friendship' is so inappropriate on so many levels. How would you feel if your bf had this type of 'friendship?'

[Buffer01]

Hmm, I had not really thought about his coldness being an issue before. He is very, very work oriented and I am often taking a backseat to his career (last minute changes of plan due to work, long work trips away, and also on the flip side very limited spontaneity) but I don't feel as though it bothers me. I do have a very active social life, so I have a lot of friends to squeeze in anyhow. That said, perhaps when I am feeling a little lonely and abandoned I have used my friend as an emotional crutch.... Now I feel even more dreadful. Have I been using him as a pretend partner in the absence of my actual partner?!

 

My partner and my friend get on just fine! Have been out for drinks without me (albeit not often but they work close to each other) and we have been on holidays together previously (not just the three of us - with other friends) I would say I probably see my friend a couple of nights a week, usually just for drinks. Sometimes more, sometimes less but frequently.

 

On the night in question we were watching a movie at my flat, with a bottle of wine. We were not drunk, and I am not even gonna try and use alcohol as an excuse here. I think this is something far deeper than that. I was stone cold sober and can not use anything to justify my actions except whatever latent feelings were bubbling away underneath the surface. At one point we both leaned forward (wine and snacks on the coffee table; I was going for the wine. I assume he was going for wine or chocolate) at the same time and he more or less full on headbutted me, he hugged me (because it bloody hurt!) and... then I kissed him. The rest obviously went on from there; he was hesitant and he did ask me if I was sure multiple times. He has no real blame here I don't feel... this is all on me. It was all lame romcom stuff in real life basically.

 

Hi Londonswag

 

I hope this isn’t painful but How painful this is to him?

You have no boundaries with your friend, you have ruined this friendship, it died the day you had sex with him.

You either have to sever this friendship now or break up with your man!

Your long term boy friend will have his suspicions, your actions would have changed over the years and unfortunately he would have picked up on these. He would have felt like he is the third wheel, how often were you pleased when his work schedule changed at short notice?

 

Break it off now let your long term boyfriend go, tell him the truth about you and your friend and how this has stabbed him in his heart.

 

It will hurt, he has spent time befriending this man friend (for you), going on vacations together, night out at the pub etc. all this time you were not setting up relationships boundaries. You clearly didn’t set them so you could have sex with him. Sharing beds whilst away, at friends homes etc. Never saying ‘this is not respecting my other partner or me’.

I am sure that for years he has wanted to bang you.(again sorry for being blunt).

 

All this time your other boy friend is busy working, setting up a life and career so you can live happily ever after.

This will never happen now.

 

The truth will set you free.

[spunkmire]

Congrats on your Friend finally getting out of the friendzone