How easy is it to meet someone when travelling?

[Batya33]

Two more weeks till he's back. Although I tell myself every day that it's unlikely he meets the love of his life on a tour bus, I still feel stressed sometimes when im alone and hes partying.

we talk a bit every day, but we can't talk a lot due to time difference plus his busy schedules so I guess I can't count on that to make me feel close. And something tells me it's a bad idea to I tell him I worry he meets someone and grows attractions

 

Of course it's unfair to subject him to your anxiety -he's not your parent or therapist and let him enjoy his vacation -give him twice the space he seems to need if he seems to need space to be away -i would assume that's part of it -he wants to get away on vacation. Normal. I cannot believe he's contacting you as much as he is -it's his vacation -time for him to get away from it all. Subjecting him to your concerns would be self-absorbed/selfish.

[reinventmyself]

So how should I behave when hes away? Should I tell him I'm worried? In a light hearted way? Or should I just keep all the thoughts to myself?

If you have to tell him you feel insecure and mistrusting, have that talk when he returns.

 

By telling him when hes in the middle of his trip it's just a bad attempt at trying to control the situation and seek reassurance.

 

I doubt he'll take it well.

I'm currently on a girls trip now. I'd be annoyed if my boyfriend called me with these ideas in his head and telling me he felt insecure. If he felt I'd be easily tempted, then he'd basically be challenging my integrity.

[bluecastle]

I don't think you have to hang back and only wait for him to contact you. You are two adult humans, six months into dating. You can say hi, he can say hi. You can be two people who like each other, one of whom is on a trip. Hopefully he's having a blast, and it's worth taking a moment to ask yourself why that can't be what's most important to you, the thing you want to bring up in a lighthearted way rather than your fears, suspicions, insecurities.

 

I'll ask again: Is this your standard frame of mind in romance? Do you assume all men will cheat? Are you finding yourself tempted by other guys while he's away?

 

There are other ways to be—in romance, relationships, and your own skin. Right now you're presented with a great opportunity to cultivate another—one that will allow for greater inner stability and a deeper connection with others. I'd really try to look at it like that, and find peace there.

[boltnrun]

If you went away on a trip would you be searching the tour bus for men to sleep with ? Or to fall in love with?

 

If not, why do you presume his moral compass is so off that he's doing either of those things? And if you don't feel he's a trustworthy, moral person why are you in a relationship with him?

[Rose Mosse]

So how should I behave when hes away? Should I tell him I'm worried? In a light hearted way? Or should I just keep all the thoughts to myself?

 

Hang out with your friends. I think you really need to get out more and balance your relationship with other aspects of your life. I wouldn't make this an issue when there is no issue in the first place. It's not healthy and do not go down this road. If you chit chat while he's out, be mindful of time differences while on the phone.

 

Check in with each other and meet up after he comes back. Don't have long drawn out overdramatic conversations with arguments over text or when he's traveling. There's something messed up in the way you expect the worst when someone's traveling. I'm curious if you've seen something happen to others or has someone cheated on you in the past while out of town? Have you seen your parents do this?

 

It's generally never a good idea to believe anyone is at your beck and call. Be respectful to each other.

[MissCanuck]

I don't understand why I cannot cannot contact him while he's away

 

You can.

 

Normal chit-chat and catching up is great, and to be expected six months into a relationship. Dumping your anxiety on him is not, and is not a conversation that should be happening over messaging anyway.

 

Wait until he gets home if you really feel the need to talk to him about this. I guarantee a talk like that now, while he's away, is not going to do anything to soothe your insecurity. It will probably only make it worse, as you can't gauge his reaction or even be sure that he'll be able to respond in a timely manner.

[Batya33]

With my husband 14 years plus, married almost 11. When he is out with friends or at any social event or away on business which also involves some social interaction I will contact him only in a lighthearted way and very sparingly. He contacts me but often with the different time zones and busyness, more like once a day plus some emails. I do NOT contact him if I think there's a chance he is out socializing or at a meal with friends/colleagues. I do not want his phone to light up or beep during that time -he deserves that time and space. He has never ever asked me not to contact (only at times when he is involved in some sort of public speaking and it would be bad for his phone to go off) - i do this because it's the right thing to do. To allow your partner to have his time away and not feel pressured to respond or even look at his phone.

 

Many years ago when we dated in the 1990s we used to speak by landline every night we didn't see each other. He went to a job fair out of town and stayed with his aunt and uncle. I wanted him to call for our nightly convo and he did call. What a mistake. I would be chatting about something important to me and inevitably his Aunt would interrupt to ask him if he wanted more to eat, drink, all that family stuff. And he was whispering and muffled. So sure he called and was reliable but I realize now - much better to save up those stories, what you want to discuss, for a time where there is no travel-related distraction.

[h0000]

Probably I lack some trust in men in general. I never been cheated on (not that I know of) but nearly all my friends' bfs has made a pass on me. And im sure I ain't the only one they hit on. It's just shocking how they have the audacity.Some of them are still together till this day. I feel so bad if I imagine I was my friends.

 

I really can't imagine my bf does that though, I am willing to trust him and I suppose you guys are right I should never tell him im worried and it won't make me anymore attractive to him. This is something I need to work on myself and not bother him with.

[Batya33]

Probably I lack some trust in men in general. I never been cheated on (not that I know of) but nearly all my friends' bfs has made a pass on me. And im sure I ain't the only one they hit on. It's just shocking how they have the audacity.Some of them are still together till this day. I feel so bad if I imagine I was my friends.

 

I really can't imagine my bf does that though, I am willing to trust him and I suppose you guys are right I should never tell him im worried and it won't make me anymore attractive to him. This is something I need to work on myself and not bother him with.

 

How would you like it if someone generalized about women the way you have about men? How many men who had girlfriends made passes at you? 10? 20? So, why generalize about all men? Here's the thing -if you want a serious relationship with a man it's kinda important to not have negative views of men in general or generalize in a negative way - because then the individual man has to clear the hurdles you have created based on those generalizations and that's not fair. You don't have to date at all or be in a romantic relationship but if you choose to then going into it with that kind of prejudice doesn't seem very fair to the individual person.

[bluecastle]

Was going to say almost the same thing as Batya. I've known some men who have really sucked in some pretty stereotypical ways. Have also known some women who've done the same. But I really love having men and women in my life—the latter romantically—and, all things considered, some nearly 40 years on the planet have led me to firmly believe that both genders are pretty terrific. Bring it on, I say, with arms open.

 

Were I to play shrink here I'd say your trust issues lie less with men than with yourself. That means trusting yourself to make the best choices you can make, as well as trusting that you can recover when any given choice proves to have been a mistake, or at least one not to continue making. It means trusting that if life threw you a vicious curveball you will not shatter; if you're scared of shattering you can barely stand in the batters box, let alone take the pitches.

 

When that pillar of trust is strong inside of you the actions of others don't carry the same weight. Instead of measuring a relationship by things you'll never have full knowledge of—how exactly someone feels about you, what exactly they do when you're not looking—you'll be able to gauge it by how you feel living your life inside the relationship, which will be more an extension of how you live in your own skin than how the affection of another polishes your skin.

 

It's a subtle, but major, difference, allowing for a much different kind of connection, a more genuine openness to celebrating the mystery of another, and your own mystery alongside another, than oscillating between states of panic and states of bliss that are fully dependent on another person.

[bluecastle]

I am willing to trust him and I suppose you guys are right I should never tell him im worried and it won't make me anymore attractive to him.

 

Per my abstract riff above: I would focus more on the fact that you telling him, especially in a faux-lighthearted manner when he's in the middle of a trip, would make you less attractive to yourself. The most important thing, in the end, is the question of who you want to be—in life, in relationships.

 

That's where the security is. This relationship might not work out, for a zillion reasons. It also might be the last relationship you're ever in—and even that could be for reasons beautiful or reasons tragic. The constant in all that, the thing you have control over, is yourself and how you want to be.

 

You have full control over what you see in the mirror, and if you don't find that attractive does it even matter if another does?

[h0000]

Of course it's unfair to subject him to your anxiety -he's not your parent or therapist and let him enjoy his vacation -give him twice the space he seems to need if he seems to need space to be away -i would assume that's part of it -he wants to get away on vacation. Normal. I cannot believe he's contacting you as much as he is -it's his vacation -time for him to get away from it all. Subjecting him to your concerns would be self-absorbed/selfish.

Just to clarify in case you think I made the rules that he needs to contact me everyday..i didnt. And I do appreciate his effort to stay in contact.

 

Were I to play shrink here I'd say your trust issues lie less with men than with yourself. That means trusting yourself to make the best choices you can make

 

When that pillar of trust is strong inside of you the actions of others don't carry the same weight.

.

So true. I'd love to be that confident. Is it even possible to be that confident in yourself? Because..everybody has insecurities.

[bluecastle]

I'd love to be that confident. Is it even possible to be that confident in yourself? Because..everybody has insecurities.

 

Short answer: yes.

 

Insecurities are not at odds with confidence, not really, since a lot of confidence comes with how we handle them. If cockiness is an aggressive masking of insecurities with bluster that just maximizes them, then confidence is, in part, learning to live alongside your insecurities without being guided by them, and in the process minimizing them.

 

See, if you can recognize them as just that—an insecurity of yours, rather than something someone or the world is doing to you—you diminish them right there. Less mysterious. Now you can see it in a little box rather than the box you're in. You're in control. Control breeds confidence. Inside the box you can observe it, and treat it. That treatment breeds more confidence. Confidence, much like insecurity, is contagious. It's just the better thing to get infected by.

 

I'd say you're kind of doing that right now—you're aware, posting here, rather than inundating bf—while also still being a bit inside the box. Like, you probably kinda sorta hoped someone here would tell you: yeah, poke at him in a "lighthearted" way, say x and y so he'll respond with the mandatory "Nah, babe—you're all I'm thinking about here and I can't wait to hold you."

 

Problem is, which you basically already knew, is what that does: it validates the box, makes it bigger, and becomes the thing your relationship exists inside, the self-defeating language you use to express feelings and vulnerability. Three days later you might ask us if you could do it again, since you'd be both missing that soothing high, feeling even more dependent on the "hit" from him, and feeling twice as icky as you do know about the whole thing. At which point we've been turned into enablers, by you. Flash forward another six months and you're breaking up, either initiated by you because you're a wreck or by him because he's really tired of putting you back together. And you look back at this moment and go, "Dang—that was when we made insecurities the connection point and kinda stopped connecting."

 

So skip that. Observe the contents of the box. Good moment for that, six months in, when, let's be real, the stakes are still low. You have no kids, no rings, no shared mortgage, just a lot of hopes, hormones, and expanding feelings. If this is the hill y'all die on you hadn't climbed too far, you know? You'll dust off. When the observing sucks, do something that brings you a hit of confidence that you know isn't destructive or dependent on anyone but you. Do something a touch risky, out of the ordinary, like going to a movie alone. Or do something comforting and familiar, like hitting up that tapas joint with a good friend and asking her about her life. I'm a fan of both those things.

 

And remember to never stop asking yourself who you want to be. Me, for instance? I think fear and jealousy are near wastes of my emotional capital, so I've taken a lot of steps to eliminate them from my repertoire, especially when it comes to my romances. I'm a human, so I feel these things plenty. But they're not things I react to impulsively. Goes against what is probably my most treasured value, which is freedom, which is connected to who I want to be. Giving into fear and jealousy, to me, is like building a prison, stepping inside of it, and throwing away the key. If that's the price of admission for being in a relationship, I'll opt for solitude. And sometimes, in my versions of moments like the one you're in, I have to remind myself of that—another hit of confidence.

 

So, deep breaths. You've got some corrosion to clear out. Have at it, knowing it's going to serve you well not just with him but with you. Win-win, even if your worst fear becomes reality. He'll be back in five minutes anyway. If you feel the need to talk about this, then, there's a way to do it constructively. Odds are, though, you won't even need to. You'll already be communicating on a better plane, one you helped foster, and found confidence in fostering.

[Batya33]

Just to clarify in case you think I made the rules that he needs to contact me everyday..i didnt. And I do appreciate his effort to stay in contact.

 

So true. I'd love to be that confident. Is it even possible to be that confident in yourself? Because..everybody has insecurities.

 

Please don't use the "everybody has insecurities" excuse. Same as "everyone cheats on their diet/takes a day off from exercise/yells at their child/no one is perfect." Of course no one is perfect. Of course everyone has insecurities. It's about deciding -for you- what effort you are willing to put in to change specific behaviors that present as insecure and are hampering your life in some way. Then be honest about what you are willing to do and not do. No "trying" just doing and not doing. It's not about "being confident" -that's passive. It's about taking actions that represent confidence, that are taken despite feeling scared/insecure/craving another piece of dark chocolate (as I am as I type this and I'm not going to give in).

 

Why does a boyfriend have to stay in touch daily when he is away on vacation? Yes, if you shared a pet, a child, owned a home that was under renovation, if there was some reason that the expectation was daily contact even if he is away I could understand. It sounds like you want him to put in the effort to maintain daily contact when he is away on vacation. Why?

[h0000]

Cant it be that he keeps daily contact because he wants to? Because he misses me? Why must I have imposed such expectation? Believe it or not I didn't and i would be fine if he wasnt doing it.

In fact I'm well aware of my issue and I go great length to avoid looking like a needy and controlling gf. No matter how worried I actually am, all I've said to him is " enjoy the trip and I will miss you ".

 

Lots of advices here are great and very soothing :) and my bf is telling me more and more that he misses me ;)

[Batya33]

Cant it be that he keeps daily contact because he wants to? Because he misses me? Why must I have imposed such expectation? Believe it or not I didn't and i would be fine if he wasnt doing it.

In fact I'm well aware of my issue and I go great length to avoid looking like a needy and controlling gf. No matter how worried I actually am, all I've said to him is " enjoy the trip and I will miss you ".

 

Lots of advices here are great and very soothing :) and my bf is telling me more and more that he misses me ;)

 

Wonderful -I misunderstood what you wrote. It's totally fine if he wants to be in contact daily and if you like that -whatever works!

[boltnrun]

Cant it be that he keeps daily contact because he wants to? Because he misses me? Why must I have imposed such expectation? Believe it or not I didn't and i would be fine if he wasnt doing it.

In fact I'm well aware of my issue and I go great length to avoid looking like a needy and controlling gf. No matter how worried I actually am, all I've said to him is " enjoy the trip and I will miss you ".

 

Lots of advices here are great and very soothing :) and my bf is telling me more and more that he misses me ;)

 

So you're no longer worried he will fall in love with someone else while on this trip?

 

Hopefully you won't put yourself through this self torture ever again.

[bluecastle]

I think most of us have moments like this in relationships, especially in our younger days—and, yeah, whole relationships that rise and fall—that hopefully teach us what's worth getting in a tizzy about what tizzies are worth learning to not care about.

 

When I was a freshman in college, for instance, I was jealous of dudes my girlfriend had slept with before I knew she walked the planet, because sex was new for me, a Big Deal, and I still kind of couldn't imagine it was a thing that women in general and she in particular were up for doing with me; today I literally couldn't imagine feeling like that about any woman, and laugh at that jittery, prying boy I once was. Of course, she had to date that jittery and prying boy—belated apologies, S, wherever you are!—which had its shortcomings. For her. For me. Helped set the expiration date of that fluttery union.

 

That's all easy for me to shrug off today—I was 17 then, am 39 now—but I've been on this site enough, and in life, to see plenty of men my age still acting that way about women, inside relationships. Jittery. Judgmental. Guided by insecurity, mistaking insecurity for connection, and looking for people who will validate that instead of outgrowing it. Seen women who operate much the same way and have dated some as an adult—for very, very brief periods. It can get nasty, and isn't a cakewalk even when it's pretty subtle. Let too much of things like jealousy, possessiveness, assumptions, suspicions, and insecurity into the thing we call love and you tend to get a love that curdles instead of simmers.

 

Point being, hopefully in all that going to "great length to avoid looking like a needy and controlling gf" you can become that, genuinely, with him. If not? That's generally either a sign that the match isn't right or that you've got some reflecting and growing to do, so you can be that person in general. I've long thought of anxiety as a great indicator of both those things in romance, rather than a sign that something special is happening.

 

That's not saying what you have is fragile or anything. Six months is new, and someone going away is hard. Just something to think about as the gears spin.