Does anyone else feel like their sexuality comes up a lot in conversation?

[Rose Mosse]

I used to worry about this a lot along with other issues that involve comparisons because those differences (between us as people) sometimes cause a lot more questions than answers. The way a person presents his or herself may cause more questions in a crowd. The way that person speaks or responds or the way their hair grows or what that person is wearing can say a lot more about culture, a person's mindfulness, adaptation to surroundings. The way you speak about your experiences will always help with perspectives for those who are willing to listen.

 

It's good to recognize your differences and celebrate them early on. I think it creates identity and over time your identity will strengthen. This is a great thing overall. The only thing I'd be concerned about is also tuning into other identities and being willing to engage with other realities and other dimensions (other people's worlds). I continuously have to work on this myself. Great thread.

[catfeeder]

Yes. I can see how it can enter any conversation about one's experiences because when we talk about ANYthing involving a noun, our language specifies a masculine or feminine. So if you're speaking of an ex or a date or a partner or people who have partners, your either identifying your own sexuality or that of those in your story.

 

Makes sense to me.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Yes. I can see how it can enter any conversation about one's experiences because when we talk about ANYthing involving a noun, our language specifies a masculine or feminine. So if you're speaking of an ex or a date or a partner or people who have partners, your either identifying your own sexuality or that of those in your story.

 

Makes sense to me.

 

Thank you, Catfeeder :-) Whenever I see your response on ANY thread, I know some great advice is coming!! Yeah, I do feel better about it. I am one of those people that, if I feel like there could be a misunderstanding, I will say something which leaves me vulnerable but at least I know there won’t be any misunderstandings. And I have, in this situation and others, often times decided to reach out to certain friends to clarify things and it has always been well-received. I mean, part of me would love to be the kind of person that just left an interaction and felt no pain and did not reflect about it into the ground, but at the same time, I care about my friends and I want to be honest and open with them. This seemed to definitely be my own insecurity.

[Nebraskagirl14]

I used to worry about this a lot along with other issues that involve comparisons because those differences (between us as people) sometimes cause a lot more questions than answers. The way a person presents his or herself may cause more questions in a crowd. The way that person speaks or responds or the way their hair grows or what that person is wearing can say a lot more about culture, a person's mindfulness, adaptation to surroundings. The way you speak about your experiences will always help with perspectives for those who are willing to listen.

 

It's good to recognize your differences and celebrate them early on. I think it creates identity and over time your identity will strengthen. This is a great thing overall. The only thing I'd be concerned about is also tuning into other identities and being willing to engage with other realities and other dimensions (other people's worlds). I continuously have to work on this myself. Great thread.

 

Thank you, Rose Mosse! It’s definitely a process. For me, being able to be unapologetically myself is the crux of the matter. Something I am always working on.

[saluk]

Amateur psyco-analyst hat on: When you talk with people outside of your close friends, I would imagine you are very conscious of the topics you talk about - as well as the topics you don't talk about. Certain things, like the stories that come up in your gay friends lives, are probably subjects you DON'T talk about with just anyone.

 

But being gay and your lifestyle, and that of your gay friends is a really important subject to you!

 

When you are with your friends, and the freedom is there to actually be yourself, you swing away from those safer things you might discuss with anyone to the things that you really want to talk about. And it feels good to be able to share these things with people who care about you.

 

It's not equivalent, but for example, I am really into video games. But I can't go deep on the topic of video games with just anyone. So when I hang out with my gamer friends, it can sometimes be all I want to talk about. Ask me what is going on in my friends life that week - there is a chance I won't know. Ask me what game they last finished I'll know.

 

If this lopsidedness is a problem for you or your friends, just make sure to bring up other things from time to time. Like I make sure to check in with my best friends about things outside of gaming. Otherwise we can get disconnected.

 

If it's not actually a problem for them or you, don't worry about it so much. Enjoy the freedom to be yourself.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Amateur psyco-analyst hat on: When you talk with people outside of your close friends, I would imagine you are very conscious of the topics you talk about - as well as the topics you don't talk about. Certain things, like the stories that come up in your gay friends lives, are probably subjects you DON'T talk about with just anyone.

 

But being gay and your lifestyle, and that of your gay friends is a really important subject to you!

 

When you are with your friends, and the freedom is there to actually be yourself, you swing away from those safer things you might discuss with anyone to the things that you really want to talk about. And it feels good to be able to share these things with people who care about you.

 

It's not equivalent, but for example, I am really into video games. But I can't go deep on the topic of video games with just anyone. So when I hang out with my gamer friends, it can sometimes be all I want to talk about. Ask me what is going on in my friends life that week - there is a chance I won't know. Ask me what game they last finished I'll know.

 

If this lopsidedness is a problem for you or your friends, just make sure to bring up other things from time to time. Like I make sure to check in with my best friends about things outside of gaming. Otherwise we can get disconnected.

 

If it's not actually a problem for them or you, don't worry about it so much. Enjoy the freedom to be yourself.

 

Thank you, saluk!! Yeah, it has never been a problem and honestly, if I am ever worried about it, like I said, I do tend to reach out to clarify. I don’t want to be apologizing for myself all the time either because that makes someone seem super insecure. And if I feel insecure, I certainly don’t want to let the world know but I am okay being vulnerable with friends and being like, hey, so I said this thing but here is what I meant. I haven’t really found that balance with certain friends yet but me being myself hasn’t ever posed a problem that I know of :-)

[DancingFool]

Honestly, it sounds like your biggest issues are just your own extreme personal insecurities and over thinking everything. Something you might want to work on a bit or a lot.

 

As for sexual orientation....I mean you are who you are, it's out there, what's more to say? If you are talking about your dating adventures, then that's just dating, not sexuality and not that different in terms of problems, challenges, etc. At the end of the day we are all just people dealing with people and relationships and all the challenges that represents, regardless of your orientation.

 

What might get old for your friends is your constant over thinking, calling up to apologize, draw attention to what likely was never an issue, etc. It actually can come across as drama and a bit self centered even though you don't consciously mean to come across like that. You might want to give that some thought because that has nothing to do with your sexual orientation and a lot to do with who you are as a person and how you are choosing to act.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Honestly, it sounds like your biggest issues are just your own extreme personal insecurities and over thinking everything. Something you might want to work on a bit or a lot.

 

As for sexual orientation....I mean you are who you are, it's out there, what's more to say? If you are talking about your dating adventures, then that's just dating, not sexuality and not that different in terms of problems, challenges, etc. At the end of the day we are all just people dealing with people and relationships and all the challenges that represents, regardless of your orientation.

 

What might get old for your friends is your constant over thinking, calling up to apologize, draw attention to what likely was never an issue, etc. It actually can come across as drama and a bit self centered even though you don't consciously mean to come across like that. You might want to give that some thought because that has nothing to do with your sexual orientation and a lot to do with who you are as a person and how you are choosing to act.

 

Yes, I know you’re right. I do try to limit my explaining myself too much for that very reason. I guess that is my fear. That I will come across as drama when I am just trying to be caring. Drama is certainly what I don’t want to be.

[Batya33]

Yes, I know you’re right. I do try to limit my explaining myself too much for that very reason. I guess that is my fear. That I will come across as drama when I am just trying to be caring. Drama is certainly what I don’t want to be.

 

Yes and I agree with Dancingfool. I apologize too much about sharing anecdotes even when the person I'm speaking with has asked outright for me to share it - meaning, I'm not turning the conversation to myself, I've been asked to share whatever - and if the person is just being "polite" and really doesn't care to hear it you know what, not my problem if she's not being honest. Having said that, I try to be succint and then when I'm done I am very aware of volleying the conversation ball back to the person so that it feels more balanced. But I too have to learn not to "apologize".

 

I agree that dating need not be about sexuality at all -often it is not.

[DancingFool]

Yes, I know you’re right. I do try to limit my explaining myself too much for that very reason. I guess that is my fear. That I will come across as drama when I am just trying to be caring. Drama is certainly what I don’t want to be.

 

Caring about others or caring way too much what others think about you?

[Nebraskagirl14]

Caring about others or caring way too much what others think about you?

 

I don’t always care what everyone thinks. It’s only certain people. When I said I am trying to be caring, I meant that if I feel like I have overstepped in some way, I want to make it right.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Yes and I agree with Dancingfool. I apologize too much about sharing anecdotes even when the person I'm speaking with has asked outright for me to share it - meaning, I'm not turning the conversation to myself, I've been asked to share whatever - and if the person is just being "polite" and really doesn't care to hear it you know what, not my problem if she's not being honest. Having said that, I try to be succint and then when I'm done I am very aware of volleying the conversation ball back to the person so that it feels more balanced. But I too have to learn not to "apologize".

 

I agree that dating need not be about sexuality at all -often it is not.

 

Great points, Batya!

[Wiseman2]

Unless you live a a phobic, ultra conservative culture/area, there is no need to explain yourself, your sexuality, etc. these days. Anyone who doesn't understand gay/lesbian concepts must have lived under a rock. However keep in mind that everyone walks through life a different way and that is what they know, just like you. Avoid people who seem to dense or bigoted to have normal open conversation with, but make sure you're not on a mission to educate everyone. Just live your life and be who you are. Those who get it will get it.

[Batya33]

I do not think what you're referring to has to do with gay/lesbian concepts - it is simply that when you talk about dating you likely are using different pronouns than those people who date people of the opposite sex. Not a concept -just a pronoun.

[bluecastle]

Caring about others or caring way too much what others think about you?

 

This question crossed my mind, too.

 

Nebraska, let me just say that you sound pretty awesome from your posts here. You're curious, in possession of a very big, very warm heart. I also detect a youthful, searching spirit that's awfully relatable. And, hey, I'm just a straight white American dude, basically the bullseye of "normal" on the sociocultural dartboard, and here we are bridging gaps with ease and little friction.

 

But I do get the sense—and, heck, you've stated it yourself—that you can get a little caught up in how others perceive you. Being gay, I'd imagine, triggers that cluster of cells a bit more intensely than it would a straight person, since you're already a bit more "other" than the majority. That's just a fact. Walk into a restaurant, be it in Nebraska or Manhattan, and you'll be a bit of an outlier. I can't really imagine what that's like. A bit harder than what it's like to be me, I reckon. Where I see overhead lighting so people can read the menu you may occasionally see spotlights.

 

To which I say: own it. That doesn't mean obsessing about it, testing and/or quietly gauging how people are thinking, since that's a road to exacerbating the mental spins, brightening those spotlights. But just kind of owning it with a shrug. People will think whatever they want. Sometimes they will think things you don't want them to think—including people close to you. Something will be misread, and so on. Little scratches on the record. Nothing to get too worked up about.

 

I think it's always important to remember that other people, including those we love and share our lives with, think about us much, much, much less than we think about ourselves. We're extras in their story, while being the stars of our own, and vise versa. No one, really, is under the spotlight. And also? Most everyone, in ways, feels like an outlier. I'm a straight guy who would be more comfortable in a lesbian bar than I would be tailgating at a college football game—and being "that guy," at times, makes me feel a bit isolated, misunderstood, whatever. So it goes. I own it, with a shrug.

 

Anyhow, I'm just rambling here. Past the sexuality stuff, I think what's being discussed here, in part, is one of your best qualities: you are a sensitive soul. Might make you a touch oversensitive here and there, and that's okay too, something to learn to observe, gently, rather than indulging too intensely. Not saying that's something you do, but it does seem like something you're aware of, perhaps.

[catfeeder]

The whole point of coming out is to rid yourself of mental and emotional barriers to normalization, even while you contribute your own small part to the cultural shift toward acceptance. So getting hung up on pronouns is a natural part of that process, and the antidote is to remind yourself WHY your are out.

 

This doesn't mean that you can always expect smooth sailing in any place that doesn't surround LA or New York, but when you keep your focus on your best intentions, you can allow for occasional bumps up against varying degrees of hostility.

 

That speaks of a hostile person rather than any reflection on you. Beyond that, just live your life and speak about it in the same manner afforded to anyone else. Don't eggshell walk to people please, because it doesn't 'work,' it just harms your own stomach lining.

 

Head high.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Thank you, Wiseman, Batya, Bluecastle and Catfeeder!

 

Bluecastle, that was a really sweet post and thank you for some really great reminders... Sometimes being a sensitive type is a curse as well as a blessing but you framed it so well. Thank you!!! I do forget that other people usually aren’t thinking about what fools we are as much as we are thinking that and we are sitting here, worried about what they think and fretting for hours when they are off in another land, not caring about what you just said. Such a great reminder. Also, it’s very helpful to hear that perhaps my assets are why I’m here talking about this. Maybe it’s okay to be sensitive and there are perks to that also as long as I can not get too carried away with the obsessive self-loathing. You are so right about what’s a scratch on the record and how big we can sometimes make it. Thank you again!

 

Thank you to everyone else for your thoughtful comments!! I'm not insecure about actually being gay. I typically have no problem using feminine pronouns when referring to a relationship I am in or have been in. The crux of this for me really is that I do have some deep-seated thoughts/beliefs that if I don't behave in a certain way, I will lose people that mean a lot to me. That has nothing to do with my sexuality, funny enough. If someone didn't like me for being say, I would have NO problem walking away with my head high and knowing that I am not needing that kind of person in my life. It's more the friends that I really care about that aren't gay and if I am just myself as I would be with my other friends, I'm afraid I will lose them - not for being gay, but I guess for just being weird lol or just not status quo. I'm quirky. When I hang out with these friends that I know aren't like me in certain ways (and they like to tease me about how I am which is fine), I sometimes worry that I am "over the top" or too different for their taste which again, shouldn't bother me! That is what I'm working on.

[abitbroken]

. It's more the friends that I really care about that aren't gay and if I am just myself as I would be with my other friends, I'm afraid I will lose them - not for being gay, but I guess for just being weird lol or just not status quo.

 

 

They are your friends for a reason - they like you.

On the other hand, what about talking about other stuff besides dating and past relationships - like movies, hobbies, recipes, asking about their new dog, etc. just to mix it up?

[Nebraskagirl14]

. It's more the friends that I really care about that aren't gay and if I am just myself as I would be with my other friends, I'm afraid I will lose them - not for being gay, but I guess for just being weird lol or just not status quo.

 

 

They are your friends for a reason - they like you.

On the other hand, what about talking about other stuff besides dating and past relationships - like movies, hobbies, recipes, asking about their new dog, etc. just to mix it up?

 

We talk about all of that. Everything. When I created this post, I wasn’t intending to give the idea that my friendships revolve around my sexuality. They don’t. They are very well-rounded.

[catfeeder]

It's more the friends that I really care about that aren't gay and if I am just myself as I would be with my other friends, I'm afraid I will lose them - not for being gay, but I guess for just being weird lol or just not status quo. I'm quirky.

 

You've adopted one another because you 'synergize' and like one another for any number of reasons, but chemistry can't really be defined. All of us 'come out' to friends over time to show who we really are.

 

We can't 'hold' people to us. Divergence is a NATURAL occurrence over the course of MOST friendships at one point or another. It can be short or long, but it's usually about a separation of focus on priorities that don't involve the other rather than some big offense. The people who matter most will cycle back around.

 

This is why we form different kinds and degrees of friendships to meet different needs. Glomming onto people will suffocate them. So part of being a good friend is to respect the limits of our friends and allow for occasional divergence without projecting 'stuff' onto it. Instead, move your focus onto cultivating other friendships, and allow people to come and go freely. You will thank yourself for this life skill, and you won't be overly concerned about censoring yourself to keep a 'status quo' that doesn't allow for fluidity.

[Nebraskagirl14]

You've adopted one another because you 'synergize' and like one another for any number of reasons, but chemistry can't really be defined. All of us 'come out' to friends over time to show who we really are.

 

We can't 'hold' people to us. Divergence is a NATURAL occurrence over the course of MOST friendships at one point or another. It can be short or long, but it's usually about a separation of focus on priorities that don't involve the other rather than some big offense. The people who matter most will cycle back around.

 

This is why we form different kinds and degrees of friendships to meet different needs. Glomming onto people will suffocate them. So part of being a good friend is to respect the limits of our friends and allow for occasional divergence without projecting 'stuff' onto it. Instead, move your focus onto cultivating other friendships, and allow people to come and go freely. You will thank yourself for this life skill, and you won't be overly concerned about censoring yourself to keep a 'status quo' that doesn't allow for fluidity.

 

Literally the best advice of my life, Catfeeder. Thank you. I was just talking about this with someone else. About how we (some not all) glom onto others and how it never ends well and how to NOT do that. Thank you for this gentle reminder!!!

[catfeeder]

Literally the best advice of my life, Catfeeder. Thank you. I was just talking about this with someone else. About how we (some not all) glom onto others and how it never ends well and how to NOT do that. Thank you for this gentle reminder!!!

 

You're welcome. Make "diffuse my focus" a private mantra as you float among acquaintances rather than try to tether them down. Prompt yourself to do something every week that plants seeds to grow more friendships. Explore your interests and make lists. Pursue solo or group activities. Civic groups are great for this. Learn how to participate in projects or causes without an over-eager urge to bond, but rather to observe instead. This teaches you about subtle group dynamics. Treat yourself to a private reward afterward.

 

The goal is to build acquaintances--people who are practice material for keeping a light touch. This teaches you how to enjoy encounters for their own sake rather than imbuing them with an emotional agenda. This needs to be experienced rather than thought about, because the subtle things you'll learn will contain emotional rewards that are cumulatiive over time. You can't learn these rewards when you're busy running a 'please like me' agenda.

 

Teaching yourself that you are worthy and likable without immediate feedback is foundational for all else, because it teaches you a degree of INNER self sufficiency that sheds a need to please.

 

Until we can relax and appreciate our own unique value, we'll hold onto childhood insecurities that fear 'different' as 'bad' in a struggle to homogenize. The more we rely on an external focus to reflect admiration back to us, the less we learn how to grasp and value what is unique about us, even while nobody is everyone's cup of tea.

 

EnjOy.

[Nebraskagirl14]

You're welcome. Make "diffuse my focus" a private mantra as you float among acquaintances rather than try to tether them down. Prompt yourself to do something every week that plants seeds to grow more friendships. Explore your interests and make lists. Pursue solo or group activities. Civic groups are great for this. Learn how to participate in projects or causes without an over-eager urge to bond, but rather to observe instead. This teaches you about subtle group dynamics. Treat yourself to a private reward afterward.

 

The goal is to build acquaintances--people who are practice material for keeping a light touch. This teaches you how to enjoy encounters for their own sake rather than imbuing them with an emotional agenda. This needs to be experienced rather than thought about, because the subtle things you'll learn will contain emotional rewards that are cumulatiive over time. You can't learn these rewards when you're busy running a 'please like me' agenda.

 

Teaching yourself that you are worthy and likable without immediate feedback is foundational for all else, because it teaches you a degree of INNER self sufficiency that sheds a need to please.

 

Until we can relax and appreciate our own unique value, we'll hold onto childhood insecurities that fear 'different' as 'bad' in a struggle to homogenize. The more we rely on an external focus to reflect admiration back to us, the less we learn how to grasp and value what is unique about us, even while nobody is everyone's cup of tea.

 

EnjOy.

 

I would pay you to be my therapist if I knew you, Catfeeder. I find your advice invaluable in that you’re exactly right in all that you say and this is really the crux of the matter. The “diffuse the focus” and “Teaching yourself that you are worthy and likable without immediate feedback is foundational for all else, because it teaches you a degree of INNER self sufficiency that sheds a need to please,” and literally everything else that you said is some of the greatest advice I have ever received and I am a big believer in the law of attraction and that is what they also teach (focus elsewhere and feel better by thinking better feeling thoughts) when you feel negative emotion. Thank you so much for the rest of your advice. Honestly, it helps so much. I am in a transitional period right now and I feel like I am finally learning some really important life lessons that I have not yet learned and that keep resurfacing. I have learned many lessons but this one been a hard one for me. I feel much more grounded about it now. I feel like I have my bearings back again. I will re-read these posts if I ever need a reminder, which I’m sure I will. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart :-)