Does anyone else feel like their sexuality comes up a lot in conversation?

[Hollyj]

Yes, it’s either 1) because it involves some kind of story, 2) because it’s a social topic about society and how society accepts or doesn’t certain folks or 3) because they talk about their relationships too.

 

How often does #2 come up?

[Batya33]

Yes, it’s either 1) because it involves some kind of story, 2) because it’s a social topic about society and how society accepts or doesn’t certain folks or 3) because they talk about their relationships too.

 

So if it's a discussion of diversity, etc then I'd take that as an opportunity to listen instead of talk/share - unless you are asked to share - that way you get to learn about all different types of diversity and perspectives. If it's talking about your relationships then sure you can mention someone you're dating and what you did or plan to do - and none of that has to reference sexuality. I talked about my spouse today at a large gathering and never once mentioned my sexual orientation (I mean sure it might be obvious since my husband is male and I'm female but that is why I don't need to state the obvious, just like if I'm talking to a woman and she references her partner as "she" I then know she has a female partner and it would never occur to me to ask a question about her sexuality in response or to have her discuss details about her sexuality).

[Hollyj]

I think you just tell anecdotes that unavoidably include your sexuality but somehow and because of society stigma,you feel like you are always bringing up your sexuality to any conversation but it is not like you are saying "hello I am gay and I want you to know I am gay". For example,straight people would never question themselves if they are all the time talking about their sexuality,and indeed they do. Girls or boys or the world in general always talk about love or romantic relationships,which most of them are straight relationships,but they don't feel like you do and as I said I think you feel like that because of the 'social stigma'. I have friends (female friends) who often talk about boys and who they like or their past relationships and of course they don't feel like they are pointing out their sexuality. I hope I had made myself clear

 

I don't talk about my sexuality. How boring, there are so many other things to discuss. If my friends and I do have a convo about dating, it is short. They may update me on how their online dating is going, and this is due to my inquiry. But, discussing dating updates is not discussing one's sexuality.

 

And why rehash old relationships.

[figureitout23]

I think anytime you’re outside of the majority, you can feel well different, so you may feel maybe self conscious about it. I’m straight so I don’t really think about my sexuality, it’s the ‘norm’ the majority, the assumption, but say for example my race, I discuss things outside of the ‘norm’ because of that, but it’s who I am, the people around me embrace that so even though I recognize my topics may be slightly different every now and then, it’s me incorporating who I am into the conversation.

 

Push comes to shove you can simply ask them to be honest and tell you their feelings. I mean we can guess all day long we aren’t your friends so we don’t know what impression you’re giving them.

[Nebraskagirl14]

I think anytime you’re outside of the majority, you can feel well different, so you may feel maybe self conscious about it. I’m straight so I don’t really think about my sexuality, it’s the ‘norm’ the majority, the assumption, but say for example my race, I discuss things outside of the ‘norm’ because of that, but it’s who I am, the people around me embrace that so even though I recognize my topics may be slightly different every now and then, it’s me incorporating who I am into the conversation.

 

Push comes to shove you can simply ask them to be honest and tell you their feelings. I mean we can guess all day long we aren’t your friends so we don’t know what impression you’re giving them.

 

Yes, thank you. I have asked and they have all said that I am far too worried and sensitive about how I come across. I probably should have worded the title and description differently as apparently, the way that I did it made 10 straight people come out of the woodwork with their judgements and telling me that I CONSTANTLY talk about my sexuality which is not what I said.

 

Also, Holly? Do you NEVER bring up other people in your conversations? I find that very hard to believe. If you are able to accomplish this, then good for you for living so in the present.

[Hollyj]

Yes, thank you. I have asked and they have all said that I am far too worried and sensitive about how I come across. I probably should have worded the title and description differently as apparently, the way that I did it made 10 straight people come out of the woodwork with their judgements and telling me that I CONSTANTLY talk about my sexuality which is not what I said.

 

Also, Holly? Do you NEVER bring up other people in your conversations? I find that very hard to believe. If you are able to accomplish this, then good for you for living so in the present.

 

I bring up people, this is not sexuality.

 

Did you miss this: "If my friends and I do have a convo about dating, it is short. They may update me on how their online dating is going, and this is due to my inquiry. "

 

I am so confused what you mean by "sexuality?"

[katrina1980]

 

I think anytime you’re outside of the majority, you can feel well different, so you may feel maybe self conscious about it. I’m straight so I don’t really think about my sexuality, it’s the ‘norm’ the majority, the assumption, but say for example my race, I discuss things outside of the ‘norm’ because of that, but it’s who I am, the people around me embrace that so even though I recognize my topics may be slightly different every now and then, it’s me incorporating who I am into the conversation.

 

Push comes to shove you can simply ask them to be honest and tell you their feelings. I mean we can guess all day long we aren’t your friends so we don’t know what impression you’re giving them.

 

I agree with this, and understand it, even though I am a straight, white girl, blonde/blue.

 

But anyone outside of that stereotype (at least the straight/white part), who's "different" from that is going to be noticed and talked about at least in my neck of the woods - very liberal-minded southern Cali

 

Not in a negative way, or positive way, just noticed. Whereas me, as a straight white woman is just par for the course. Nothing out of the ordinary.

 

For example, my friend works in another law firm, and she told me they just hired a male attorney.

 

She mentioned he was gay.

 

I responded "and why is this important? You would not have mentioned his sexuality if he were straight, would you? So why mention he's gay, who cares?"

 

She responded she didn't know, but thought it was interesting. What the *.

 

I think blacks and others who are considered minorities experience this too.

 

"Oh we hired a "black" attorney."

 

So what??? No one ever says "oh we hired a white attorney."

 

It pisses me off and again I'm straight, white.

 

To me, this attitude only highlights our differences and perpetuates the stigma and often prejudice.

 

I hope I am still alive for the day we are all considered one in the same - human beings.

 

I'm sorry you're experiencing this OP, I find it sad.

 

Head high, and try to let it roll off. :)

[Nebraskagirl14]

I bring up people, this is not sexuality.

 

Did you miss this: "If my friends and I do have a convo about dating, it is short. They may update me on how their online dating is going, and this is due to my inquiry. "

 

I am so confused what you mean by "sexuality?"

 

I think it’s what a few people said above. I tell stories like anyone else but my stories sometimes involve gay people. That’s it. I am out about it. I will say “she” about someone that I dated. No big deal. It’s clearly not as it sounded in my OP. It’s a tiny fraction of my conversations but with certain friends, it seems like it’s just brought up more because of people we know or stories from our lives. Like, my friend shared with me that at her IT office, one of her co-workers came out after many years of feeling like he couldn’t. Things like that. Or I will tell a story like that. I have no idea what I said in my OP that made it sound like my entire life revolve around this topic but it doesn’t.

[Nebraskagirl14]

I agree with this, and understand it, even though I am a straight, white girl, blonde/blue.

 

But anyone outside of that stereotype (at least the straight/white part), who's "different" from that is going to be noticed and talked about at least in my neck of the woods - very liberal-minded southern Cali

 

Not in a negative way, or positive way, just noticed. Whereas me, as a straight white woman is just par for the course. Nothing out of the ordinary.

 

For example, my friend works in another law firm, and she told me they just hired a male attorney.

 

She mentioned he was gay.

 

I responded "and why is this important? Something that bears mentioning? You would not have mentioned his sexuality if he were straight, would you? So why mention he's gay, who cares?"

 

She responded she didn't know, but thought it was interesting. What the *.

 

I think blacks experience this too. "Oh we hired a "black" attorney."

 

So what??? No one ever says "oh we hired a white attorney."

 

It pisses me off and again I'm straight, white.

 

To me, this attitude only highlights our differences and perpetuates the stigma and often prejudice.

 

I hope I am still alive for the day we are all considered one in the same - human beings.

 

I'm sorry you're experiencing this OP, I find it sad.

 

Head high, and try to let it roll off. :)

 

Thank you, Katrina, for your kind and honest perspective :-)

[Fudgie]

So my understanding is that you just bring up stories that involve gay people but you're not actually talking about being gay? If so, that's not really talking about your sexuality. You're just sharing stories.

 

I have several gay coworkers and I hear them talk about their partners and the things that they may do or travel together. How do I know they are gay? Because these are women and they are calling their partners women as well and using "she". But I don't consider that "talking about sexuality". It's just them talking about their life. Same as a woman talking about her husband.

 

Now if you are getting on a soap box and talking about the experience of being gay or stories about being accepted/rejected, then that's different. And I think if you talk too much about that, then it can turn people off... But that's true of any subject really, politics, football, work, etc.

 

I did have a friend way back when who did make her sexuality her whole identity. I didn't find it irritating as much as I found it boring, as I find people who are only into ONE THING boring. Anything you talked to her about, she would always twist it and somehow relate it back to her sexuality and how she felt persecuted all the time. I can sympathize but I got tired of hearing the same thing over and over and over again and she never wanted to talk about other things. So I just drifted away and don't reach out anymore.

[j.man]

A lot of the semantics boil down to varied perspectives and experiences. I don't doubt for a second that many of the folks who are more adamant about simply talking about a friend or former partner who happened to be gay fully ascribe to the belief that it's not inherently sexual. And I don't think they're wrong for their own parts. Again, this comes down to where you are and who you've talked to. I'm a pretty liberal guy despite some appearances. Two of my uncles are gay. One's only five years older than me and since Day 1 has pretty much been a big brother to me. Not by any design, like half the roommates I've ever had happened to be dudes who preferred dudes. Not meant as a brag or a display of my woke credentials, but just to say that if a guy brings up an ex of his, if ever I were at the point of jumping to the idea of them boinking other guys, I'm well past it now.

 

That said, I'm not everyone. I've been around the block in enough areas to know there are plenty of folks out there who would hear a woman mention a favorite restaurant she used to go to with her female ex and immediately have their minds jump to the idea you bump uglies with other women. Now even if you don't associate a story about an annoying habit of someone you used to date with sexuality, I fully believe you may have experienced enough people who would to be conscious of it, if not to even internalize it yourself a bit. Think both sides need to cut each other some slack here.

 

Honestly, just talk the way you like talking. You admit your friends don't take issue with it, so I wouldn't fret. Sounds like you're keeping things entirely wholesome rather than blurting out scissoring tips. The climate and media can make it a bit difficult to appreciate, but a lot really has changed. Not to say there isn't room for more, but I'd assume more optimistically of both others and yourself. Best of luck!

[Nebraskagirl14]

So my understanding is that you just bring up stories that involve gay people but you're not actually talking about being gay? If so, that's not really talking about your sexuality. You're just sharing stories.

 

I have several gay coworkers and I hear them talk about their partners and the things that they may do or travel together. How do I know they are gay? Because these are women and they are calling their partners women as well and using "she". But I don't consider that "talking about sexuality". It's just them talking about their life. Same as a woman talking about her husband.

 

Now if you are getting on a soap box and talking about the experience of being gay or stories about being accepted/rejected, then that's different. And I think if you talk too much about that, then it can turn people off... But that's true of any subject really, politics, football, work, etc.

 

I did have a friend way back when who did make her sexuality her whole identity. I didn't find it irritating as much as I found it boring, as I find people who are only into ONE THING boring. Anything you talked to her about, she would always twist it and somehow relate it back to her sexuality and how she felt persecuted all the time. I can sympathize but I got tired of hearing the same thing over and over and over again and she never wanted to talk about other things. So I just drifted away and don't reach out anymore.

 

Yes, yes, exactly. I don’t ever talk about “the gay experience” for example. It’s all stories from my life, etc. and not brought up out of nowhere. Typically part of the conversation in a way that makes sense. I have no agenda.

[Nebraskagirl14]

A lot of the semantics boil down to varied perspectives and experiences. I don't doubt for a second that many of the folks who are more adamant about simply talking about a friend or former partner who happened to be gay fully ascribe to the belief that it's not inherently sexual. And I don't think they're wrong for their own parts. Again, this comes down to where you are and who you've talked to. I'm a pretty liberal guy despite some appearances. Two of my uncles are gay. One's only five years older than me and since Day 1 has pretty much been a big brother to me. Not by any design, like half the roommates I've ever had happened to be dudes who preferred dudes. Not meant as a brag or a display of my woke credentials, but just to say that if a guy brings up an ex of his, if ever I were at the point of jumping to the idea of them boinking other guys, I'm well past it now.

 

That said, I'm not everyone. I've been around the block in enough areas to know there are plenty of folks out there who would hear a woman mention a favorite restaurant she used to go to with her female ex and immediately have their minds jump to the idea you bump uglies with other women. Now even if you don't associate a story about an annoying habit of someone you used to date with sexuality, I fully believe you may have experienced enough people who would to be conscious of it, if not to even internalize it yourself a bit. Think both sides need to cut each other some slack here.

 

Honestly, just talk the way you like talking. You admit your friends don't take issue with it, so I wouldn't fret. Sounds like you're keeping things entirely wholesome rather than blurting out scissoring tips. The climate and media can make it a bit difficult to appreciate, but a lot really has changed. Not to say there isn't room for more, but I'd assume more optimistically of both others and yourself. Best of luck!

 

Thank you, j.man!! :-) And I had to LOL when you said “bump uglies!” [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23] and “scissoring tips.” [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23] actually, I’m still laughing!! Yes, it’s all in good taste. Nothing crude at all. I also appreciate your perspective with your uncles!!

[Fudgie]

Yes, yes, exactly. I don’t ever talk about “the gay experience” for example. It’s all stories from my life, etc. and not brought up out of nowhere. Typically part of the conversation in a way that makes sense. I have no agenda.

 

I really think you're good then. You're just sharing your life stories, same as anyone else, regardless of sexuality. I don't see an issue here I wonder if your consciousness of lingering stigma may be coloring your perspective on this. Not blaming you, I get it, it's natural. You may be worrying about a problem when there isn't one, particularly if the people in your life are cool. Anyway, I hope you can take this as reassurance. I really think you're good.

 

If someone honestly interprets "Hey my girlfriend and I saw this cool new movie, it's called _____ and it's....." as advertising your sexuality.. God I don't even know. But that's a weird thing to do, IMO, and that doesn't sound like someone I'd want to be around.

[mustlovedogs]

Yes, thank you. I have asked and they have all said that I am far too worried and sensitive about how I come across. I probably should have worded the title and description differently as apparently, the way that I did it made 10 straight people come out of the woodwork with their judgements and telling me that I CONSTANTLY talk about my sexuality which is not what I said.

 

Also, Holly? Do you NEVER bring up other people in your conversations? I find that very hard to believe. If you are able to accomplish this, then good for you for living so in the present.

 

No need to be rude.

 

I apologized for misunderstanding AND I asked clarifying questions that you blasted me for - and didn’t answer

 

Kettle meet pot. You’re being ruder than anyone else I see on this thread.

[katrina1980]

"You never really know a man until you understand things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."

 

-- To Kill A Mockingbird

 

One of my favorite books and quotes. :)

[Hollyj]

I agree with this, and understand it, even though I am a straight, white girl, blonde/blue.

 

But anyone outside of that stereotype (at least the straight/white part), who's "different" from that is going to be noticed and talked about at least in my neck of the woods - very liberal-minded southern Cali

 

Not in a negative way, or positive way, just noticed. Whereas me, as a straight white woman is just par for the course. Nothing out of the ordinary.

 

For example, my friend works in another law firm, and she told me they just hired a male attorney.

 

She mentioned he was gay.

 

I responded "and why is this important? You would not have mentioned his sexuality if he were straight, would you? So why mention he's gay, who cares?"

 

She responded she didn't know, but thought it was interesting. What the *.

 

I think blacks and others who are considered minorities experience this too.

 

"Oh we hired a "black" attorney."

 

So what??? No one ever says "oh we hired a white attorney."

 

It pisses me off and again I'm straight, white.

 

To me, this attitude only highlights our differences and perpetuates the stigma and often prejudice.

 

I hope I am still alive for the day we are all considered one in the same - human beings.

 

I'm sorry you're experiencing this OP, I find it sad.

 

Head high, and try to let it roll off. :)

 

I guess I am lucky that I live in such a diverse city. Don't hear that talk. In fact, I am the minority (white).

[Hollyj]

I think it’s what a few people said above. I tell stories like anyone else but my stories sometimes involve gay people. That’s it. I am out about it. I will say “she” about someone that I dated. No big deal. It’s clearly not as it sounded in my OP. It’s a tiny fraction of my conversations but with certain friends, it seems like it’s just brought up more because of people we know or stories from our lives. Like, my friend shared with me that at her IT office, one of her co-workers came out after many years of feeling like he couldn’t. Things like that. Or I will tell a story like that. I have no idea what I said in my OP that made it sound like my entire life revolve around this topic but it doesn’t.

 

I think then if that is it, you have nothing to be concerned about.

[katrina1980]

I guess I am lucky that I live in such a diverse city. Don't hear that talk. In fact, I am the minority (white).

 

Good point.

 

I live in an area that is predominantly white, straight.

 

Around a mile north there is an area that is predominantly gay.

 

In fact, even if a straight person moved there (I lived there for a time, it's a super cool area, very eclectic) eyebrows are raised wondering if he/she is gay.

 

Although nothing negative is ever said, it's still mentioned.

 

I dunno, I just can't stand all this stereotypism and stigmas, which it would end.

 

Or perhaps I need to just move!! :)

[Hollyj]

Good point.

 

I live in an area that is predominantly white, straight.

 

Around a mile north there is an area that is predominantly gay.

 

In fact, even if a straight person moved there (I lived there for a time, it's a super cool area, very eclectic) eyebrows are raised wondering if he/she is gay.

 

Although nothing negative is ever said, it's still mentioned.

 

I dunno, I just can't stand all this stereotypism and stigmas, which it would end.

 

Or perhaps I need to just move!! :)

 

It is so sad that we have not come further!!!

[Nebraskagirl14]

Thank you, all. This has been really helpful ultimately!! I appreciate your responses!

[Wiseman2]

Just be yourself. If it comes up, it comes up.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Just be yourself. If it comes up, it comes up.

 

Thank you, Wiseman! You are always so wise [emoji4]

[Nebraskagirl14]

"You never really know a man until you understand things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."

 

-- To Kill A Mockingbird

 

One of my favorite books and quotes. :)

 

This IS a great quote and a great book, Katrina!! :-)

[Nebraskagirl14]

No need to be rude.

 

I apologized for misunderstanding AND I asked clarifying questions that you blasted me for - and didn’t answer

 

Kettle meet pot. You’re being ruder than anyone else I see on this thread.

 

No worries, MLD. Clearly we misunderstood each other as is easy to do on a forum. My apologies as well.