Ex-bf was nice and then super cold the next day. What is going on?

[Wiseman2]

If he lives with his father, you need to stay out of it. It's not your place to trash or disrespect him, no matter how he is. Your hatred and disrespect for his family may be a huge factor in the breakup. Who would put up with some girl who constantly trashes and disrespects his family. What were you thinking?

 

No matter your opinion, they are his family and he lives with them. Considering the spamming, clinging, stalking and harassing you've done to him/them, you need to look in the mirror and get to therapy asap for yourself. Don't worry about how 'batchit crazy' they are, worry about yourself and your family. Ask your parents to take you to a doctor and get a referral to a therapist. You sound very angry.

His dad hates me because I don't like him. In a world without his batchit insane family, I think he would've been mentally healthy and fairly normal.

[bluecastle]

I know how hard these moments are. Been through a handful of emotional car wrecks myself. It's part of the business of living.

 

What I'd suggest, whenever the time is right on your healing journey, is to try to use this time to dig into yourself with the same energy you are digging into him at the moment. We can write the most nuanced of psychological dissertations on another person, grabbing at all the diagnostic terms that have slipped into pop speak, but we can't change them, can't grow them, can't mold them into what we want through understanding their every nook and cranny. Understanding our own nooks and crannies, on the other hand? That's how we come into greater focus for ourselves.

 

Something that struck me in your above post: the statement that your ex is "probably broken." In fact, much of the subtext in your last two, very long posts is just that: you describing, in language of love and compassion, a human being you believe to be broken, almost as if he is a project, something you can fix and, in the process, elevate to a level that fits more naturally with you. In ways what you sound most frustrated with is that he is him rather than being more like you.

 

That's a pretty common dynamic out there in the land of relationships, and it's rarely a sustainable one. No one, even the most broken of souls, wants to be defined as broken by someone who loves them. It's belittling, constraining, and, like Rose observed, intimidating. They generally react by alternating between playing that role, to reinforce what their partner sees, and rebelling against it in destructive ways, to find the sense of personhood and independence that humans naturally crave. In swinging between those two poles they don't quite feel like themselves, like a human being who is growing at their own unique pace and being appreciated, simply, as that. They just stay broken, since broken has been rewarded and validated through love.

 

The one doing the fixing, meanwhile, tends to take on the parent-like burden you seem to have taken on with him: doing the emotional heavy lifting, exerting patience, and quietly (and not so quietly) fighting off feelings of resentment when their project proves cumbersome and burdensome, depriving the "fixer" of the emotional reward of keeping the ship steady. Since the fixer gets very little from the partner, especially during trying moments, he or she finds comfort in believing that once x, y, or z falls into place everything will be better, fixed. It's dating potential as much as it is an actual human; it's taking solace in a story when reality comes up short.

 

Anyhow, it might be worth exploring why you are, or were, drawn to someone you believe to be broken, what believing you could "fix" him offered you spiritually. Plenty of people come from "broken" worlds without being defined by them, beholden to them. So while I understand the comfort of blaming his shortcomings on his "broken narc family" and to believe that he "would've been mentally healthy and fairly normal" under different circumstances, the fact of the matter is that he is an autonomous adult, a young one, but one who is accountable for himself and his own actions. He chose to respond in the ways he responded, to communicate, or not, in the ways he did. That was not his mother or father, but him, just as it was you who chose to engage, not your mother or father pulling your own strings.

 

Being attracted to the potential in someone, and turned on by trying to cultivate it, is natural when we're young. So much of life is still about potential. Jobs, money, homes, passions: these things are all in flux, still out on the horizon, blurry, and we use our brains to tell stories to fill the gaps—that the job waiting tables is just a step toward writing the novel, that the home shared with six friends is a step toward living on our own, that the boyfriend who blocks and cowers in moments of conflict will grow into a communicative man. But people are different. We get what they give us, what is in front of us, so to invest in who they might become, with some patient coaxing and training, isn't the wisest move.

 

Anyhow, some things to think about, or not, as you process things.

[Rose Mosse]

It's ok to feel frustrated and upset. The plus about you is that you are clear and articulate. Your thoughts are articulate and you don't shy away from your frustrations. I also don't sense that you are capable of bearing long term grudges but you are very self-aware and cognitive of what's right and wrong to you. Experience the pain and frustration and recognize when certain personalities are not good for you. One day you'll have a family of your own or be a part of one, if luck permits, and you'll be looking for traits and things that help you too as a parent or a partner in a relationship or marriage. The overarching theme is teamwork and learning to bridge gaps when there seem to be very large divides. You'll also realize along the way that you can't do things all on your own especially if you've learned to include new people in your life and are part of a larger whole or have a family.

 

Wiseman and Bluecastle covered the other items I might have covered also in regards to love, respect and teamwork when it comes to inviting people into your life. It's usually easier for you and easier on the people around you if you emphasize those traits and overall themes. We all go through experiences that don't really work for us and we learn bit by bit. It kind of sucks and it's not easy all the time but eventually we start to understand what produces more peace and you'll also see what prolonged or sustained love and respect can do for a relationship. When you feel yourself reacting strongly to situations that cause you to feel negative or confused especially for a prolonged or longer period of time (your reaction to one person is consistently negative as in you feel negatively) you should be asking yourself questions about whether these people are positively influencing your life or your self-growth.

 

It's really up to you where you want to take yourself. It's usually a good idea to listen to your instincts and learn from your experiences and also keep tabs on the way situations make you feel. I don't feel there are any issues with you coming to conclusions on your own or making decisions or being proactive. Those are your strengths.

 

I like the emphasis on balance also when it comes to giving and taking and the different roles we play with our partners. Bluecastle covered most of it. Be your usual smart and aware self and take things in stride. Not everyone will be on the same page, we all have different backgrounds. It won't always mean that everyone will understand you at first or at all and there will probably be a lot of people you won't see eye to eye with and that is ok.

 

So go ahead and feel and be frustrated and upset but don't stay there too long. Come out when you're ready. You're completely right about the whole world waiting for you and that your life is in front of you - lots of decisions to be made and life to be lived.

[shrimpchips3]

If he lives with his father, you need to stay out of it. It's not your place to trash or disrespect him, no matter how he is. Your hatred and disrespect for his family may be a huge factor in the breakup. Who would put up with some girl who constantly trashes and disrespects his family. What were you thinking?

No matter your opinion, they are his family and he lives with them. Considering the spamming, clinging, stalking and harassing you've done to him/them, you need to look in the mirror and get to therapy asap for yourself. Don't worry about how 'batchit crazy' they are, worry about yourself and your family. Ask your parents to take you to a doctor and get a referral to a therapist. You sound very angry.

 

I don't think you understand. His father is a narc. I have done absolutely nothing to his dad. The only exchanges I've had with him ever are hellos and how are you. I rarely see him because I wanted to stay out of his radar and drama; I've been told many stories about him by my ex and none of them were good. Yet this man has threatened to call the police on me because my ex and I were hanging out too much. His dad proposed to "ban" me from seeing my ex. He was just crazy. He tries to get involved in things that really shouldn't involve him. It's like tries to get himself to be part of my ex's relationships; with his friends and me. The extent of him doing this is grossly inappropriate.

 

Apparently he has also threatened my ex's friends in the past before over really normal things, and they have never even met the man. I've had enough of him when he started talking chit about me when he heard that I was going through depression. That's never okay. No one genuinely respects this man and I'm not the first one. My ex may live with him but his father has been keeping him on a hook from the start; I can see through all that he does and it's gross.

[Wiseman2]

He's a lot closer to his family than you think or than you would like. It sounds like you had difficultly getting along with them and tried to turn him against them and he simply had enough. Rightfully so. Trying to sever people from loved ones, calling them crazy,etc, the stalking and harassing are all a bit abusive. You need to look into that and your behavior.

 

You do not have to 'like' someone's family but you need to respect people, where they live and who their friends and family are. Do you come from an abusive home or where there is drinking, drugs or chronic conflict? Where do your attitudes and behaviors come from?

he tells me "You have 72 hours to do it or my dad will have to take care of it himself."

[boltnrun]

What I'm hearing is "if he'd just cut off his narc family and do things MY way, everything would be perfect!"

I wonder if that's what he heard too.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm not a fan of the idea that your ex-boyfriend filled you with a lot of negative images regarding his family. Resist calling him a narc. Engaging in them, developing a deeper relationship with an unhealthy family or individual only reflects on you. In other words, it doesn't look good on you. I feel like your boyfriend egged you on and you competed with your boyfriend's parents in playing a parental role that you felt his parents failed to fill adequately.

 

This may be where the lines blurred and you came across as a little too overbearing. I feel like your relationships with him and his family have blurred and crossed the line. It crossed into a parent-child relationship, assuming a role that is not appropriate to you.

 

The relationship and importance that you play in any relationship with his dad is insignificant for as long as there is little to no respect between the both of you. While you think that your opinion on what his dad is is supportive to your boyfriend's negative outlook, it's not contributing to your emotional and mental health. It's not supportive or helpful to you.

 

You can't change another person's situation. Just be more aware of unhealthy situations and don't overextend yourself into inappropriate roles or absorb too much negative energy.

[shrimpchips3]

I'm not a fan of the idea that your ex-boyfriend filled you with a lot of negative images regarding his family. Resist calling him a narc. Engaging in them, developing a deeper relationship with an unhealthy family or individual only reflects on you. In other words, it doesn't look good on you. I feel like your boyfriend egged you on and you competed with your boyfriend's parents in playing a parental role that you felt his parents failed to fill adequately.

 

This may be where the lines blurred and you came across as a little too overbearing. I feel like your relationships with him and his family have blurred and crossed the line. It crossed into a parent-child relationship, assuming a role that is not appropriate to you.

 

The relationship and importance that you play in any relationship with his dad is insignificant for as long as there is little to no respect between the both of you. While you think that your opinion on what his dad is is supportive to your boyfriend's negative outlook, it's not contributing to your emotional and mental health. It's not supportive or helpful to you.

 

You can't change another person's situation. Just be more aware of unhealthy situations and don't overextend yourself into inappropriate roles or absorb too much negative energy.

 

I'm not sure whether or not it'd make a difference had he not told me everything about his dad before I actually met him. I had a weird feeling about his dad when I first met him; it was this gut feeling that something was off. I've been nice to him because I was scared that he wouldn't like me at first. I wanted to always make a good impression. According to him however, I never did enough because I don't talk to him enough. And when I tried to talk to him more, it'd be about something else the next time. He's just constantly complaining about me and I try to fix this or that every time, then he finds something else about me to complain. I got really tired of his drama and became scared to even go over to the house anymore. He was straight up being really hurtful to me sometimes and it also upset me on how I let the dad affect me like that. I know I didn't do anything wrong, but he'd always make me feel like I did.

 

My ex has told me himself that he has a lot of problems mentally because of his father/family and I understood why. I obviously would always be there to talk to him or anything when he's having some issues. It sounds about right though... sometimes it did feel like I was competing with his dad and trying to fix all this. Yeah, I guess I can't change his situation; I only wish it wasn't like this for him. His family situation has always been overwhelming whether I wanted to be involved with them or not. They'd always involve me regardless. I just couldn't deal with it sometimes. Overall, I tried my best to avoid them because they were just really negative and dramatic people, but like I said, they always tried to involve me in anything and everything; I know that because my ex would tell me about what his dad says about me even though I haven't seen him for months on end at times.

[shrimpchips3]

He's a lot closer to his family than you think or than you would like. It sounds like you had difficultly getting along with them and tried to turn him against them and he simply had enough. Rightfully so. Trying to sever people from loved ones, calling them crazy,etc, the stalking and harassing are all a bit abusive. You need to look into that and your behavior.

 

You do not have to 'like' someone's family but you need to respect people, where they live and who their friends and family are. Do you come from an abusive home or where there is drinking, drugs or chronic conflict? Where do your attitudes and behaviors come from?

 

Your words almost reflect his dad's. He would make up negative things about me, too. Assumed that I came from an abusive family because I had a depressive episode at one point. I got really upset when he trashed my parents for raising a "dumb bich" and he doesn't even know them at all. I came from a very loving family and everything he said about my family and I were really offensive and hurtful. All the things he talks about, he never says it to my face. He just tells my ex to then tell me about it, which was how I found out about everything in the first place. It seems like he uses my ex as a puppet to go and carry out his requests, the dad never does anything himself.

 

I have never done anything to them like harassing or stalking or treating them like trash. I have my own problems, but accusing me of being abusive is just absurd to hear when the guy has threatened me and other people before. Is it a normal to overhear the dad yelling and threatening to find and slash his ex's tires and stuff? I was scared of him since then. That text my ex sent me about his dad taking care of things himself was just a reminder of what he could do... It was really shocking and bothersome but I won't hold it against him because I know he's not a truly vindictive person at heart.

 

I've only ever tried to be nice to them because I didn't want there to be a nasty bond between me and them. They're my ex's family after all, and they mattered. Yet everything I do is wrong in his dad's eyes and he's always complaining about me. I tried everything to fix myself and he'd find the next thing to complain about. Nothing was ever good enough for him. I almost thought I was going crazy one time because I believed everything he said about me.

 

It sounds like 90% of our relationship involved bad things and his dad, but it really didn't. Whenever his family/dad came up in our life though, they made a really big appearance/impact because it's always really negative/dramatic issues. It really bothered me because I don't live a very negative or dramatic life on a daily and I didn't like thinking about his dad/family.

[boltnrun]

If you got back together you'd still be dealing with his dad. Plus, it seems he chose to take his dad's side given that he referenced having his dad handle getting his belongings back.

 

You will.eventually meet someone else and hopefully you won't have to do battle with his family.

[Wiseman2]

Try not to invest this much energy in hating this exbf's dad/family. It's over. All you can do is learn that the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree and you can't change people. Dating is to observe people and their contexts. Do that rather than trying to change them, their families, etc. Ask your parents for help with things in the future rather than butt heads with other people's families. If that happens, walk away.

It seems like he uses my ex as a puppet to go and carry out his requests, the dad never does anything himself.