Engaged but he’s clinging on to the past

[Wiseman2]

He treats you like a prisoner. You need to go to your own therapist privately and confidentially. Never let him talk to your therapist. Abusers like this will always skew things. Give the ring back and run. Listen to your family. You need to block and delete him and all his people from all your messaging apps and social media and get a restraining order.

-He went to see a counsellor (my counsellor)

-Since then he has accessed my phone again and read all my messages.

-he want the engagement ring back too. To which he replied ‘if that’s where your heads at’ Like it’s me creating the issues and being in control!

-My friends and family hate him

-He’ll show up at my door as a broken man saying how much he loves me and how he can’t understand, he’ll say all the things I would kill for him to say just now.

[Jibralta]

My friends and family hate him but that’s because I’ve told them things he’s done and I shouldn’t have because in his mind I’ve just made it harder for him.

 

No, you definitely should have told them. Their hate for him is based on his behavior. It is logical and deserved and unclouded by the sense of obligation that you feel towards him.

 

I can’t keep going in this cycle and to be honest it feels like he’s pushing so I do end it and he can be the wounded party that everyone feels sorry for ‘she’s dumped me again, it was out the blue and I don't understand it’

 

Oh god, please end it. You don't need a big, elaborate plan. Just make a decision and stick with it.

 

Your fiance is definitely not the wounded party. Anytime you find yourself believing that, tell your friends and family. I'm sure they will set you straight. You clearly have a contingent of people on your side.

[abitbroken]

Ok, so a bit of an update. He went to see a counsellor (my counsellor) to try and ‘process’ and move on from these images in his head and said he wanted to move forward and it would just take time to process so I did my usual and agreed to do whatever it takes.

 

Since then he has accessed my phone again and read all my messages. I’ve nothing to hide so not worried about that side of it, but the fact he’s done this again says so much. There was a message from a male friend on my phone asking how I was because I’d not been in contact for a while (because fiancé said he wasn’t happy about me contacting him) and I replied with a brief message just saying all was fine. I’ve been going through a tough time recently and have verbalised a few times that I could do with some support but none is given, it’s just a constant push of how he’s struggling to deal with all this and process it, and how I should understand his insecurities. I asked him straight out what he wanted and his answer ‘you know what I want, but I need you to be upfront’ he said I should have told him about the message when it happened. He asked if I’d heard from him again and I said yes, then it blew up again.

 

August is a ty month for me as it’s the anniversary of the rape and we were due to go away for the weekend next weekend and closer to the date and he messaged last night to say he’s cancelling them because of everything that’s going on. I said I’d get the tickets back to him so he could try and sell them and did he want the engagement ring back too. To which he replied ‘if that’s where your heads at’ Like it’s me creating the issues and being in control!

 

I can see that this is controlling, but he has done a very good job making me think this is all my fault. My friends and family hate him but that’s because I’ve told them things he’s done and I shouldn’t have because in his mind I’ve just made it harder for him.

 

I need to end this, I can’t keep going in this cycle and to be honest it feels like he’s pushing so I do end it and he can be the wounded party that everyone feels sorry for ‘she’s dumped me again, it was out the blue and I don't understand it’

 

How do I deal with the fall out from this, if it’s anything like last time he’ll call/text/email/send flowers. He’ll show up at my door as a broken man saying how much he loves me and how he can’t understand, he’ll say all the things I would kill for him to say just now. How do I keep strong through that?

 

WHY did he have your phone? I thought it was over. PLEASE PLEASE kick him out of your life. He is not infiltrating your counselor. What do you do? You change your locks, you block his number, you refuse the flowers or call his usual florist and ask that nothing be delivered to your address. Look up mean/sweet cycle of abuse. If you have to stay with a friend overight or have someone stay with you a few days, do it, but you can't really predict when he will come. Don't answer the door if he shows. If he does text you, tell him to leave you alone and stop contacting you. If he keeps contacting you, get a restraining order.