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  1. Ok, so a bit of an update. He went to see a counsellor (my counsellor) to try and ‘process’ and move on from these images in his head and said he wanted to move forward and it would just take time to process so I did my usual and agreed to do whatever it takes. Since then he has accessed my phone again and read all my messages. I’ve nothing to hide so not worried about that side of it, but the fact he’s done this again says so much. There was a message from a male friend on my phone asking how I was because I’d not been in contact for a while (because fiancé said he wasn’t happy about me contacting him) and I replied with a brief message just saying all was fine. I’ve been going through a tough time recently and have verbalised a few times that I could do with some support but none is given, it’s just a constant push of how he’s struggling to deal with all this and process it, and how I should understand his insecurities. I asked him straight out what he wanted and his answer ‘you know what I want, but I need you to be upfront’ he said I should have told him about the message when it happened. He asked if I’d heard from him again and I said yes, then it blew up again. August is a ty month for me as it’s the anniversary of the rape and we were due to go away for the weekend next weekend and closer to the date and he messaged last night to say he’s cancelling them because of everything that’s going on. I said I’d get the tickets back to him so he could try and sell them and did he want the engagement ring back too. To which he replied ‘if that’s where your heads at’ Like it’s me creating the issues and being in control! I can see that this is controlling, but he has done a very good job making me think this is all my fault. My friends and family hate him but that’s because I’ve told them things he’s done and I shouldn’t have because in his mind I’ve just made it harder for him. I need to end this, I can’t keep going in this cycle and to be honest it feels like he’s pushing so I do end it and he can be the wounded party that everyone feels sorry for ‘she’s dumped me again, it was out the blue and I don't understand it’ How do I deal with the fall out from this, if it’s anything like last time he’ll call/text/email/send flowers. He’ll show up at my door as a broken man saying how much he loves me and how he can’t understand, he’ll say all the things I would kill for him to say just now. How do I keep strong through that?
  2. I’ve woken up this morning to a message from him saying that ‘until we can facilitate living together in our own home’ he can’t come round to my house anymore because it conjures up too many bad images. So basically things are , but let’s get rid of my last bit of security..the home my son has grown up in, and the one I pay for by myself. Let’s jump in to selling both our houses and get a joint mortgage on the off chance it fixes everything. I had always thought we’d live together here for a bit first before getting to the point of selling houses. I needed my son to get used to him being around before I uprooted him and moved in to a different house with a different dynamic. I know this is ending, but it hurts like hell
  3. This is absolutely not the case, danger does not attract me. I was raped 16 years ago and the thought of rewarding any man with power makes me sick to my stomach. The reason I feel tied to him is that he has encouraged me to seek counselling to deal with it and is the first man since then that’s made me feel safe physically. I know that emotionally things are far from good and reading the comments on here I’m starting to feel like perhaps If he makes me feel safe, he knows I’m unlikely to want to risk going out into the big bad world because that’s not safe. My ex husband played on it to his benefit, but I would never think my current fiancé would do it.
  4. Boltnrun - absolutely not, that’s the main reason I divorced his Dad. I didn’t want him growing up and using our relationship as a template for his future relationships. He has just messaged to say he wanted a ‘clean slate’ when we got back together and feels I’m not telling him everything. He thinks I just got back with him because he was my only option. Not that I did, but even if I’d slept with 50 guys, I was single in that time period so I genuinely don’t understand the accusations. The thing I’m really struggling with is why is this all coming up again now, what’s triggered it? Things have been good and we’ve been spending time together. Why is this old issue resurfacing now to body slam everything back down to earth again? He’s making me feel like I cheated on him, like I’ve betrayed him and that nothing else in the 2 and a half years we’ve been together means anything
  5. Thanks ThatWasThen, I’ve read that message 3 times now and it’s starting to sink in. While posting on here I’m also fielding messages from him about why he can’t get past it, that I’m the only one he’s ever wanted to be with so much, and I’m being as strong as I can be just repeatedly saying that he either moves past it or doesn’t but if he can’t then I’m done. He is quoting messages he read nearly a year ago which makes me think he’s taken a picture of them as I can’t remember things I texted yesterday! I’m trying to stay as strong as I can with this. Thank you all for your comments, I need someone else’s perspective to try and deal with this.
  6. Breaking up was never a ‘bargaining chip’ I couldn’t continue the way things were and there was no sign of anything changing. I was done, it wasn’t attention seeking or to make him chase after me.
  7. I do have low self esteem, and he knows that. I know it’s a contradiction but at work and as a mum I have no issues with knowing I’m good enough, but with relationships I never feel like I’m someone’s best option. I get that’s a massive contradiction, but it’s something I’m working on.
  8. Jibralta - seeing that all in black and white does seem like there is a total imbalance of control. I hadn’t really put that all together before
  9. I didn’t have any conditions when we got back together, not one. He said when we split he’d had to explain to his family why he was upset so by default they’d learned about me. I just wanted to be together again and look to the future. As an intelligent, successful woman with an incredible son who is an absolute joy, I realise this story makes me sound quite pathetic...which annoys me! I’ve been through some proper crap times and always come out fighting (eventually) but I don’t know why I feel like I need him so much. I’ve never felt this tied to someone emotionally, and I just keep hoping it will get better. When things are good they’re great but it always cycles back to this and then him not speaking or saying he has ‘nothing good in his life’ I promised him I would never end things again after the last time, because he said that was a big worry for him, but it feels like he just keeps pushing me as close to the edge as he can then pulls me back. I can’t keep doing this for the rest of my life, I just want to be happy and drama free!
  10. He told everyone about me when we got back together, and everyone knows were engaged now except his 5 year old son and ex wife. He says he doesn’t want to complicate things for him, which I get, but it hurts a bit that I’ve had to have the conversation with my 8 year old son about getting remarried and the emotions that evoked from a child who isn’t keen on the idea. I’ve said to him that he needs to try and get past it, but he just keeps saying he doesn’t know how. He had an affair when he was with his ex wife, and it feels like he’s projecting that onto me when I’ve never cheated on him and never would.
  11. Sorry if this is a bit long winded, but it’s about a years worth of back and forth over the same issue! I’ve been with my now fiancé for just over 2 years and last July I ended things. He was not long out of a marriage and a year into the relationship I still didn’t exist to anyone in his world. He’d met my parents, my son and my friends but his family didn’t know I existed. Anytime I broached the subject he would say it was just too soon as he didn’t want his family to think we’d been together before he split from his wife. I have pretty low self esteem anyway so to me it just felt like he was ashamed of me. It got to the point where I just couldn’t deal with feeling like a secret, on the edge of his life just not quite in it, so I ended things. He took it really badly and bombarded me with texts, emails etc. I eventually blocked him because I still loved him, but was trying to do the best for me to give me some sort of self preservation. About a month after we split, I was on a works night out and kissed a guy from work. He was someone I’d known for a long time at work and we got on really well so it was nice to have someone to chat to/text etc. We went on a date a couple of weeks later, and realised that we were just good friends, but I then found out he was also seeing someone else. I was pretty pissed off that he’d strung me along despite it not going anywhere. A couple of weeks after that I received a rose in the post from my fiancé with a note saying he’d always love me and if there was ever any room for him in my life to contact him. I still missed him hugely so called him and asked if we could meet. We did and agreed to take it slowly and see how things went. One of his conditions was that there was full disclosure for what had gone on during our 2 months apart. He had been on dating sites and had been on a few dates so I told him my story. He got massively upset and said he felt like I’d cheated on him, he didn’t know if he could deal with it etc but eventually calmed down and agreed to try. A week later he read my messages and saw messages I’d sent to one of my friends talking about the date...another huge argument about how I’d cheated on him. This has come up every couple of months since then, but in April he proposed and I stupidly thought that meant we were looking towards the future not the past. However yesterday he announced that he still can’t get the image of me kissing someone else out of his head and it’s driving him insane, he can’t get past it and I should understand how betrayed he feels. I genuinely don’t understand it, we had broken up, we weren’t on a break. He went on dates and I’ve taken his word that nothing happened. Yes, it would make me feel sick if he had been with someone else, but I’d have no right to go nuts as we weren’t together. He’s now saying he’s unsure of our future together as he can’t keep replaying the image in his head, but I don’t know what to do to fix it. I even moved jobs (within the same company) so I wasn’t working next to the other guy anymore to help him feel better about it and have cut all communication. How do I get past this if he can’t see I chose him?
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