Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Sorry if this is a bit long winded, but it’s about a years worth of back and forth over the same issue!

I’ve been with my now fiancé for just over 2 years and last July I ended things. He was not long out of a marriage and a year into the relationship I still didn’t exist to anyone in his world. He’d met my parents, my son and my friends but his family didn’t know I existed. Anytime I broached the subject he would say it was just too soon as he didn’t want his family to think we’d been together before he split from his wife. I have pretty low self esteem anyway so to me it just felt like he was ashamed of me. It got to the point where I just couldn’t deal with feeling like a secret, on the edge of his life just not quite in it, so I ended things.

He took it really badly and bombarded me with texts, emails etc. I eventually blocked him because I still loved him, but was trying to do the best for me to give me some sort of self preservation.

About a month after we split, I was on a works night out and kissed a guy from work. He was someone I’d known for a long time at work and we got on really well so it was nice to have someone to chat to/text etc. We went on a date a couple of weeks later, and realised that we were just good friends, but I then found out he was also seeing someone else. I was pretty pissed off that he’d strung me along despite it not going anywhere.

A couple of weeks after that I received a rose in the post from my fiancé with a note saying he’d always love me and if there was ever any room for him in my life to contact him. I still missed him hugely so called him and asked if we could meet. We did and agreed to take it slowly and see how things went. One of his conditions was that there was full disclosure for what had gone on during our 2 months apart. He had been on dating sites and had been on a few dates so I told him my story. He got massively upset and said he felt like I’d cheated on him, he didn’t know if he could deal with it etc but eventually calmed down and agreed to try.

A week later he read my messages and saw messages I’d sent to one of my friends talking about the date...another huge argument about how I’d cheated on him.

This has come up every couple of months since then, but in April he proposed and I stupidly thought that meant we were looking towards the future not the past.

However yesterday he announced that he still can’t get the image of me kissing someone else out of his head and it’s driving him insane, he can’t get past it and I should understand how betrayed he feels.

I genuinely don’t understand it, we had broken up, we weren’t on a break. He went on dates and I’ve taken his word that nothing happened. Yes, it would make me feel sick if he had been with someone else, but I’d have no right to go nuts as we weren’t together.

He’s now saying he’s unsure of our future together as he can’t keep replaying the image in his head, but I don’t know what to do to fix it. I even moved jobs (within the same company) so I wasn’t working next to the other guy anymore to help him feel better about it and have cut all communication.

How do I get past this if he can’t see I chose him?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 52
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Has he introduced you to his family and friends and told them you're engaged?

 

He is the one who needs to get past your alleged cheating. If he won't, don't marry him. Or you'll get a lifetime of the way he's behaving now.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He told everyone about me when we got back together, and everyone knows were engaged now except his 5 year old son and ex wife. He says he doesn’t want to complicate things for him, which I get, but it hurts a bit that I’ve had to have the conversation with my 8 year old son about getting remarried and the emotions that evoked from a child who isn’t keen on the idea.

I’ve said to him that he needs to try and get past it, but he just keeps saying he doesn’t know how.

He had an affair when he was with his ex wife, and it feels like he’s projecting that onto me when I’ve never cheated on him and never would.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He's had major issues all along. Consult privately and confidentially with a therapist for some short term therapy to sort this out and to get advice on whether it's right for you to continue. In the meantime do not minimize things, simply agree that you understand he is upset. Unfortunately he sounds like a bit of a control freak. That combined with being a secret are major red flags.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You mention his "conditions" for getting back together. What, may I ask were your conditions?

 

Your boyfriend is a coward and he appears to have just used you so that HE could be the one to break up with you. What a coward. Won't introduce you to his family, won't make any concessions as to what would make you happy yet here he is making demands of you when it was him that was sending you crap to hoover you back.

 

So: What did you ask of him in order to let him back into your life?

 

I do want to say that good for you for having the boundary in place in that you would not stay with someone that wouldn't introduce you to family when you had been dating that long. Did he at least introduce you to his friends? It was irresponsible of you to take him back without first being introduced to his family in a show of love and respect for you. Of course if that was a concession of yours, did he live up to it before his ego couldn't take the fact you kissed a guy while being SINGLE. He sounds like a horrible prospect as a life partner and I'm sure his ex wife will agree.

 

Ditch him. I think it was his ego that made him reach out to you and now that he got you, he found yet another excuse not to advance your relationship any further than it was.

Link to post
Share on other sites

How do I get past this if he can’t see I chose him?

 

I don't think you can get past it, and I don't think you should continue to try.

 

I don't think this is a good person for you, weirdpotato.

 

He's self-centered:

-->He kept you a secret so that he didn't look bad.

-->He bombarded you with texts and emails until you had to block him.

 

He obviously thinks he owns you:

-->You're not allowed to be with other guys even when you're not with him

-->He reads your messages

-->You had to move your desk at work so that he could feel better

 

He's playing with your head:

-->He imposed a "full disclosure" condition on getting back together, when he was the one asking to come back (WEIRD).

-->He got upset when he found out your life continued after the break up--just a kiss, mind you, and a month after you'd broken up.

 

You know none of that makes sense.

 

I think he proposed to you just to gain more of a foothold on your psyche: Now, he can break off the engagement if you don't fall into line.

 

I think you should break off the engagement. There are WAY better men out there who aren't manipulative.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I didn’t have any conditions when we got back together, not one. He said when we split he’d had to explain to his family why he was upset so by default they’d learned about me. I just wanted to be together again and look to the future.

 

As an intelligent, successful woman with an incredible son who is an absolute joy, I realise this story makes me sound quite pathetic...which annoys me! I’ve been through some proper crap times and always come out fighting (eventually) but I don’t know why I feel like I need him so much. I’ve never felt this tied to someone emotionally, and I just keep hoping it will get better. When things are good they’re great but it always cycles back to this and then him not speaking or saying he has ‘nothing good in his life’

 

I promised him I would never end things again after the last time, because he said that was a big worry for him, but it feels like he just keeps pushing me as close to the edge as he can then pulls me back. I can’t keep doing this for the rest of my life, I just want to be happy and drama free!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

He doesn't really intend on marrying you, OP, and he's looking for an out.

 

Do you really think he would marry someone without ever letting his son know? I highly doubt it. I think your engagement is a sham, and he doesn't actually plan to go through with it. Maybe it was meant to placate you but he knows he can't keep it up and he wants out.

 

You would be foolish to beg for forgiveness, much less marry someone like this.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I didn’t have any conditions when we got back together, not one. He said when we split he’d had to explain to his family why he was upset so by default they’d learned about me. I just wanted to be together again and look to the future.

 

As an intelligent, successful woman with an incredible son who is an absolute joy, I realise this story makes me sound quite pathetic...which annoys me! I’ve been through some proper crap times and always come out fighting (eventually) but I don’t know why I feel like I need him so much. I’ve never felt this tied to someone emotionally, and I just keep hoping it will get better. When things are good they’re great but it always cycles back to this and then him not speaking or saying he has ‘nothing good in his life’

 

I promised him I would never end things again after the last time, because he said that was a big worry for him, but it feels like he just keeps pushing me as close to the edge as he can then pulls me back. I can’t keep doing this for the rest of my life, I just want to be happy and drama free!

 

Well these statements are a contradiction... to the reality of your situation and your previous statement that you have low self esteem. You said it not us. I believe that not this, someone with high self worth wouldn’t put up with half the crap he’s thrown at you.

 

Also, don’t be so sure he’s being faithful and honest. His reaction to your transgressions all the while still hiding you from his ex and son....how convenient...is laughable.

 

One thing he is right about though, don’t ever again use breaking up as a bargaining chip, the statement I promised not to do that again because it scares him, means your breaking up was never final, it was to get a reaction and what you wanted, the same thing youre considering now... if you were breaking up because you were done his feelings about it would be null and void...

 

This is just all bad. I personally think you should break up and take a dating break to work on your self esteem.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I do have low self esteem, and he knows that. I know it’s a contradiction but at work and as a mum I have no issues with knowing I’m good enough, but with relationships I never feel like I’m someone’s best option. I get that’s a massive contradiction, but it’s something I’m working on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I didn’t have any conditions when we got back together, not one. He said when we split he’d had to explain to his family why he was upset so by default they’d learned about me. I just wanted to be together again and look to the future.
Then pray tell why you would hold such a boundary as to break up with him because he was keeping you a secret? You took him back under the very same condition you left him for. You failed yourself and your emotional well being that way.

 

As an intelligent, successful woman with an incredible son who is an absolute joy, I realise this story makes me sound quite pathetic...which annoys me! I’ve been through some proper crap times and always come out fighting (eventually) but I don’t know why I feel like I need him so much. I’ve never felt this tied to someone emotionally, and I just keep hoping it will get better.
Apparently you have a strong need to "win" then you actually have self worth. Winning isn't always the better outcome. You "won" him back but your prize is an arsehole, egotistical d-bag who likes to see you always in his power. I'd say you are "so tied to him" because subconsciously you feel you lost.

 

When things are good they’re great but it always cycles back to this and then him not speaking or saying he has ‘nothing good in his life’
You are a well established, independent woman. Wake up chickie and chuck this boy-man. You and your son can do better than him.

 

I promised him I would never end things again after the last time, because he said that was a big worry for him, but it feels like he just keeps pushing me as close to the edge as he can then pulls me back. I can’t keep doing this for the rest of my life, I just want to be happy and drama free!
Then take back your personal power from him, tell him that you are reneging on your promise because it's obvious that your self-respect will not let you be happy with a man that judges you so and then block and delete him from manipulating you out of your good sense yet again.

 

The man has dazzled you with his science for far too long. You are wasting good dating years on a turd whose need to "win" appears to be even greater than your own.

 

If he sends you another flower, dump it in the trash and get on with your day. Its just another form of manipulation so he wins.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I do have low self esteem, and he knows that. I know it’s a contradiction but at work and as a mum I have no issues with knowing I’m good enough, but with relationships I never feel like I’m someone’s best option. I get that’s a massive contradiction, but it’s something I’m working on.

 

You're choosing men who tell you flat out you're "not good enough". It's no wonder you feel insecure and unsettled and like you have to be the one to "change" or adjust.

 

Maybe ask yourself why you'd want to tie yourself FOR LIFE to someone who keeps telling you you're flawed. Were your parents overly critical or dismissive of your accomplishments?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I have no issues with knowing I’m good enough, but with relationships I never feel like I’m someone’s best option. I get that’s a massive contradiction, but it’s something I’m working on.

 

I say this with respect, but how exactly does staying with a guy who keeps you a secret "working on" feeling like you're not someone's best option?

 

Your current choices are totally counterproductive to your overall goals for yourself, here.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks ThatWasThen, I’ve read that message 3 times now and it’s starting to sink in.

 

While posting on here I’m also fielding messages from him about why he can’t get past it, that I’m the only one he’s ever wanted to be with so much, and I’m being as strong as I can be just repeatedly saying that he either moves past it or doesn’t but if he can’t then I’m done.

 

He is quoting messages he read nearly a year ago which makes me think he’s taken a picture of them as I can’t remember things I texted yesterday! I’m trying to stay as strong as I can with this. Thank you all for your comments, I need someone else’s perspective to try and deal with this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just going to chime in here and agree with every word being written by everyone.

 

This guy? This is not a good guy. At all. TwT is really nailing is so I'm not going to beat the drum too much.

 

But, I'm sorry, this business about not being able to let go of you kissing some guy while he was going on dates? Everything behind that is everything in life you want to steer clear of. I get that somewhere in there you see care, affection. It's not that. It's self-obsession and, I'd venture, shame at something you don't know about him being weaponized and redirected at you.

 

This is a man who is straight-up immune to being honest—not with himself and, by extension, not with others.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you want your son to see this man treating you like this (yes, he does too notice)?

 

Would you like your son's future spouse treating him like this man is treating you?

 

Would you be fine excusing your son being treated like this by saying "oh, well he has low self esteem, so it's ok!"?

Link to post
Share on other sites
He is quoting messages he read nearly a year ago which makes me think he’s taken a picture of them as I can’t remember things I texted yesterday!

 

The more you write, the more I feel disturbed by this man.

 

OP, you needed this wake-up call. You are not dealing with a decent person.

Link to post
Share on other sites

At this point, because you are engaged, its now time to tell the son that he will be marrying you - that you will be his stepmom AND the child's mother should be told, as she has a right to know that her child will be spending time with a stepmom - another "coparent". She has the right to meet you as well.

 

I really suggest you break the engagement. There are threads from other people here who have been married for years but keep being bothered by the idea that their wife or husband slept with someone when they broke up years ago during when they were dating. There are people who dated for six months, broke up, dated other people and got together a year after that and still hold it against their husband or wife because they didn't "wait for them".

 

He went back to you because he dated a few women, was rejected by them and wanted to see if you would be his backup plan, or realized that he made a mistake and decided that he would try to win you back but on his terms only.

 

I am not telling you to break up for what's happening now only, but what happens in year 5 of marraige.

 

After you breakup, spend some time in counseling, get yourself all checked out medically and do things that make you feel like you matter -- volunteer for groups that impact people or pets to improve your self esteem

Link to post
Share on other sites

Boltnrun - absolutely not, that’s the main reason I divorced his Dad. I didn’t want him growing up and using our relationship as a template for his future relationships.

 

He has just messaged to say he wanted a ‘clean slate’ when we got back together and feels I’m not telling him everything. He thinks I just got back with him because he was my only option. Not that I did, but even if I’d slept with 50 guys, I was single in that time period so I genuinely don’t understand the accusations.

 

The thing I’m really struggling with is why is this all coming up again now, what’s triggered it? Things have been good and we’ve been spending time together. Why is this old issue resurfacing now to body slam everything back down to earth again?

 

He’s making me feel like I cheated on him, like I’ve betrayed him and that nothing else in the 2 and a half years we’ve been together means anything

Link to post
Share on other sites
While posting on here I’m also fielding messages from him about why he can’t get past it, that I’m the only one he’s ever wanted to be with so much,
Please, this is just another emotional abusive manipulation tactic. You are not there to support and guide him through his insecurity, retroactive jealousy or any of that.

 

Ignore such dribble and get on with your day without him in it.

 

He's abusing you mentally and emotionally while trying to get you to sooth his ego. He is incapable of self-soothing and uses you for that. I know you'd never want a life of being his emotional tampon. You have too much self-respect for that. It's clear by the very fact you broke up with him because he was keeping you a secret (rightly so, I might add).

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Boltnrun - absolutely not, that’s the main reason I divorced his Dad. I didn’t want him growing up and using our relationship as a template for his future relationships.

 

He has just messaged to say he wanted a ‘clean slate’ when we got back together and feels I’m not telling him everything. He thinks I just got back with him because he was my only option. Not that I did, but even if I’d slept with 50 guys, I was single in that time period so I genuinely don’t understand the accusations.

 

The thing I’m really struggling with is why is this all coming up again now, what’s triggered it? Things have been good and we’ve been spending time together. Why is this old issue resurfacing now to body slam everything back down to earth again?

 

He’s making me feel like I cheated on him, like I’ve betrayed him and that nothing else in the 2 and a half years we’ve been together means anything

 

The issue was ALWAYS there. he kept you a secret. And now that things are't all on his terms (he had to tell people about you and introduce you to people), the fact that he thinks you cheated is his way out that he can take at any moment. He is using an excuse or another to keep from full emotional intimacy and a fully committed relationship. And because of self esteem issues, this is the man you attracted

 

Now, i predict he has you in his web. Instead of deciding there is no way you can marry this guy, you will turn yourself into a pretzel to constantly prove it was not cheating or to assuage his fears.

getting along well lately doesn't cut it. I can get along with people really well that i could never in a million years marry.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
The more you write, the more I feel disturbed by this man.

 

OP, you needed this wake-up call. You are not dealing with a decent person.

 

Which may actually be part of her attraction. She admitted there is just something about him that keeps her hooked in. Unlike other men in the past.

 

He's "dangerous" and thus intriguing, he's got her under sort of a "spell" -- the power she has essentially rewarded him is exciting to her, will keep her hooked in and allow this extremely unhealthy dynamic to continue and thrive.

 

Just my take.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...