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Life in the Driver’s Seat (extended)


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Sitting here missing my old home so much . A new family with a 3 year old girl has moved into my old home . 😞😞😢😢

It has been very very stressful with my step dad being so ill. The hospital didn’t think he would survive the pneumonia but he did, thankfully. Now it’s just the state of his congestive heart failure what stage he’s in. 

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3 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I tried to get caught up reading your journal as to what all has happened 😞 I'm so sorry, Seraphim.  I do hope it gets better 🙏

Thanks . It has been a rough go since July . 
 

Today my step dad had his second good day in a row! That hasn’t happened since he went to the hospital on the 8th. My mom is so very excited. 
 

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I am exhausted by grief and exhausted by Covid restrictions and exhausted by life. After the kids left this morning I slept from 10-3 and then that’s when my mom called and woke me with the news. Then I cried for hours and I have been too exhausted to move all day and can’t concentrate on anything. Back to bed. Have to work in the AM. 

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It is snowing again today. About -5C . At the game last night a cornflake ( aka Canadian solider untrained ) accidentally dropped his beer down my back. 😳😬🥶Thank goodness it was je the last 30 seconds of the 3rd period. I jumped up in shock and he looked horrified . Look at the rank on my husband’s coat and was just cringing. I told him not to worry about it , it’s an accident . He apologized to me and very profusely to my husband. At least it was at the end of the game and I didn’t have to sit in a soaked pair of pants and underwear and my shirt. I was soaked in beer from mid way down my back into my underwear. 
 

The captain of our team, the Colts was checked from behind in the last 30 second , his head right into the boards and was knocked out . That is so so so bad for anyone but particularly bad for growing brains like this poor 18 year old. He laid on the ice a good almost 5 minutes before the struggled him up taking him into the back. The trainer was laying on the ice with him telling not to move because he was flailing a bit after his head hit the boards. 

This  is why you don’t check from behind people! 

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They are tabling a bill banning conversion therapy . Yay!!! Now can they do the same for ABA? The same people involved in conversion therapy are also involved in ABA. It is also time to stand against a therapy that tortures and traumatizes Autistic people. Autistic people don’t need to feel like failed neurotypical people. 

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My eulogy for my part of the family as eldest child. 
 


Papa was without a doubt one of the best men I ever knew.  He had a charm that filled a room with happiness and a heart that was unparalleled.  He gave without ever thinking of himself. He gave of himself when he took in me and my brother ,D as his own even though we were  adults of 21 and 24 when we met him.  He adored us and we adored him in return . He was always my beloved papa. The love in his heart for mine and my brother’s children will remain forever in their hearts . Whenever Papa worked on a Thursday there were always bereft crying grandchildren wailing for papa and no one could take his place. We can never repay the love he showered on us or the love and devotion he gave to our mother.  He adored her from the beginning and she adored him. Mom and Papa brought out the best in each other and they showered that on their combined 5 children and many grandchildren and great grandchildren.  Papa’s passing leaves the biggest hole in our hearts and lives and no one could ever live up to the heart of a man like “”. You are forever in our hearts Papa, we love you. 

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I am really blown out of the water at how fast my step dad passed away. I am still in shock literally. I can barely function. I am on autopilot and just doing what I need to and sometimes not even that. My mom is decimated. I have been holding her up. I did the funeral arrangements with her and my brother came as well. My mom and brother identified his body for cremation. 
 

My mom was with him when he passed away. He was having a lot of problems breathing. She alerted the nurses several times and they alerted the doctors . He didn’t know who my mom was and kept asking if he was dead or alternately screaming. They had to intubate him as an emergency because even a mask wasn’t enough oxygen and then his heart stopped . They started CPR in the ICU and had my mom sit outside the room but she could still see what was happening. They started his heart and it stopped 3 more times. They did CPR for 20 more minutes and the doctor came out and told my mom they could continue but he was likely brain dead and my mom asked them to stop and let him go . She said 3 nurses who had been with him for the 3 weeks came out of the room crying. They hugged my mom and said he was the sweetest old man. 
 

My brother got to the hospital just as he passed. He was running up from the parking lot with his eldest daughter. My niece was just sobbing oh my poor papa laying on his chest. My brother was sobbing in the corner. In the emergency intubation some of his teeth were accidentally broken my mom said. My mom closed one of  his brilliant blue eyes for the last time . 
 

His eldest son who he was estranged from didn’t come to his funeral but his daughter and middle son were there. My step sister brought her youngest and eldest children with her. Her youngest is 2 months old so I got to meet my niece and my eldest nephew was with his gf, he is 23. Too bad V won’t get to know her papa. Some of my other nieces and nephews were there.  My step dad’s older sisters were there. 
 

Surprisingly my former foster sister came. I didn’t even know who she was she has changed so dramatically. She was sitting alone so I sat her with my son. They were best friends as little kids for years. 
 

My brother’s ex wife came with my two younger nieces. She brought her sister’s pocket sized dog.🙄🙄Anything for attention. 
 

The service went really well. I did my eulogy . I was shaking so bad I thought I was going to pass out and was just sobbing. My brother’s gf did a reading which was beautiful. 
 

My brother and his gf and my family went to my mom’s after. We brought her all the flowers from the funeral and papa’s ashes. We got home about 9 last night . 
 

 

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47 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Wow, that had to be so difficult to witness.  I'm sorry

Your family will band together to help one another through your grief.  

It is going be very difficult for the next little while for sure. His birthday would have been the 16th and then Christmas will be so muted and sad this year. 

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