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Life in the Driver’s Seat (extended)


Seraphim
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1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

Growing up, my favorite part of church there was the ritual and structure of it.

23 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I grew up with parts of the service in Latin too. I loved that. Felt magical. Different languages evoke different thoughts and feelings, and Latin is just beautiful in my opinion. 

I feel the same way, although at the same time I did find it aggravating that I couldn't understand what the priest was saying. I grew up Greek Orthodox and (unsurprisingly) they spoke Greek. I love the inside of the church, with all of its wood, paintings, stained glass, and soft lighting, the smell of wax (everyone lights a candle for the dead upon entry), and the smell of incense (my favorite!). The priest walks up and down the aisle with this incense burner. It has bells on the side, and as he swings it back and forth the bells jingle. And the singing is nothing like American singing. It's only men who sing and they have unusual tones and rhythms. In my church, there were three of them off to one side, piping up here and there. And sometimes the priest sang parts of the sermon in that same way. The communion is wine (mavrodaphne) and as you return to your seat you take a piece of bread--always fresh and soft and crusty. It's a really awesome sensory experience. But other than that, I really don't enjoy church lol.

In my research into my biological family, I've discovered that my ancestors are generally Protestant, Southern Baptist, or Methodist. I am curious to know what the difference is. I don't even know the difference between Eastern Orthodox and other forms of Christianity. 

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I've never been in an Orthodox church, but I would love to. It would be neat to see the differences and what's familiar. I love learning about religion even though I'm not religious, it's fascinating. It would be interesting to hear you report back after checking out more what your bio ancestors believed... Helps to see their point of view even more, I think. ❤️

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I  don’t know why I get excited by family holidays to be disappointed by family holidays. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️Nope, not going at Christmas. I can’t deal , just can’t . I can’t watch the decline of my mom and step dad. They think my brother has some serious illness or long Covid and he is in agony. My niece acts like my father and her father won’t call her out on her sh$tty behaviour. I can’t tolerate the way my brother so passively  parents. Nope can’t do it. And my mother drags out the guilt by saying , well don’t punish me by not coming. I said I won’t be punishing you I can see you a different day it doesn’t have to be Christmas Day. 

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That's my plan with my family going forward. I love them and I like spending (limited!) time with them, but not during the holidays. Our family dynamics are aggravating enough without adding holiday travel into the mix!

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16 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

That's my plan with my family going forward. I love them and I like spending (limited!) time with them, but not during the holidays. Our family dynamics are aggravating enough without adding holiday travel into the mix!

Ugh as much as we love them families are a pain in the a$$. My brother says ZERO to his 20 year old who stomped off because we were having a conversation she didn’t like and slammed the door so hard the pictures rattled and then stomped off saying goodbye to NO ONE not even people who were not involved in the conversation. And my mom also defended her by saying well, you slammed enough doors at 20. Um yeah, not during a family function and I wasn’t rude to family members and if my son had done that you would have been all over my a$$. But she lets golden boy and his kids do whatever. Me and mine had better toe the line OR ELSE. I am sick of it. 
 

Also no one gives a rat’s behind we are ALWAYS the one’s travelling. 

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Whelp, had a disagreement with my mom. I defended my husband and said that we are tired of being “ wrong” in every way and you defending golden boy and his princesses. She hung up on me. 
 

So hubby and I decided we will see them Christmas Eve, stay home Christmas Day and see his mom and sister Boxing Day. 
 

My niece wants to be “ an adult” and it is ok for her to drink 4 glasses of wine before dinner and more with dinner but she can cry and throw fit and completely ignore people when she is offended by the conversation sorry but you ain’t no adult. 
 

Then my mom said to me , well your 52 year old husband should watch his mouth she is just a kid. I said then a “ kid” shouldn’t be drinking 6 glasses of wine mom. She says well I am not her dad so nothing I can do. You guys are ridiculous. I said fine we will keep our ridiculous a$$e$ at home , suits me might be quiet and we might not be wrong for a change . 

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First I want to discuss what happened at my brother’s place. 
 

it was the first time we met my brother‘s girlfriend‘s daughter. She  was very nice and she was talking about a quote she used in her yearbook for her graduation. and it came from the movie Ferris Bueller. Then we got around to talking about what life was like 35 years ago and the John Hughes movies and my husband mentioned a derogatory term that was used for LGBTQ2 people all those years ago. It is not some thing we believe. It was just a topic that the conversation flowed to . He just mentioned that it was commonly used. it is not a statement of our beliefs AT ALL. It was a mention of what the culture was . Now my niece may be gay ,she may be bisexual she may be non-binary, I have no clue. She doesn’t discuss her sexuality with us and nor should she. All I know is that it is not heterosexual. Well she gets up doesn’t say one word goes upstairs slams the door so hard the pictures rattle and never talked to anybody again the rest of the day walks out of the house when her other grandmother showed up prances passed everybody and doesn’t say one word. My husband went up to apologize to her when he realized what had happened. She ignored the fact he was even alive. My mom went up who was not part of anything and she told my mom to leave her room which my mom did. And this is her uncle and grandmother who she’s known since her birth. People who have  never said one bad thing about her ever in her life. We know these words are bad and we weren’t using them to describe people but just to describe what society was like long time ago. 
 

In the same vein my brother’s girlfriend puts on a movie that has the R word in it repeatedly. And my son and my husband bring this up not to the rest of the family but to me after we had left. And my son said do you want do you know how many times people have use that against me? And I have heard my own uncle say that about disabled people (which my brother has). And he goes I have never thrown a mental breakdown about it and caused problems at a family event. And he said but that’s OK though? And my grandmother talks about me like I am a child or mentally deficient but that is ok? You know I have never been mad at my cousin in my life but that was something else. Dad was not disparaging any people but just explaining what life was like back then. He knows 100% that it’s wrong. And he even went to go apologize to her. 


My mom‘s point is that my husband is a dumb a$$ and that my niece is only a 20 year old kid who doesn’t know any better. Well, mom, my husband has a disability just like my son does and they are not the most socially astute people but they don’t harbour any ill feelings or ideas against ANY people. My husband has fought for advantages for many disenfranchised people over his life. And yes , she is a 20 year old but she can still hear someone out . You hold me and my family at a completely different standard than what you hold my brother and his kids. Even his girlfriend mentioned it. And this is somebody who’s not even a part of the family and who is only seen us together maybe 10 times so if she notices it guess what. Your husband has told you that ,my husband has told you that. I have told you that. And I am done with it. 
 

And my brother just stands  passively by and says not one word to anybody about anything. My husband went to my brother and said how sorry he was for insulting her and could he please try and explain that he didn’t mean to insult her he was just explaining about the culture. 
 

Anyway so we’ve decided not to go to my brother’s  at Christmas which was decided before. Really kind of hurtful for my husband because my brother is his only true male friend. My husband said to me I’ve never had a male friend before other than your brother. And it’s true my husband is very socially awkward. And he has such a sweet heart. And it hurts me when my mother trashes him. 
 

So I will see my mom Christmas Eve go home and we will see my mother-in-law and sister-in-law on  Boxing Day  like we always do. I will just call my brother and see if the hubby and I can have lunch with him and his gf somewhere around Christmas time. It will be much quieter and a lot better. 

Edited by Seraphim
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I agree with you. I agreed with you before you went into detail, actually--if you stand by and watch the 20 year old drink to excess, you then make an ass out of yourself when you subsequently defend her as a being "just a child." It's a very entitled, illogical, way of being: They can do no wrong because she says so. 

It's childlike, actually. Adults understand the intricacies of dealing with different people. Adults understand how to pick through issues and have disagreements without blowing the whole place up. Children--bad children, not all children--act selfish and throw temper tantrums, are bossy, point fingers, play favorites, run and tell, etc.

Children don't take responsibility--but they have an excuse: they don't know how, or they lack the experience or the strength. Your brother has no excuse. Maybe he's afraid of his daughter's temper. Lots of parents seem to be afraid of their kids these days. We're living in a strange time.

It seems like more and more adults are just overgrown children. Overgrown-child parents raise kids to be just like them--worse, actually, because their kids are the best kids. And of course the kids grow up thinking that they really are the best, even if they totally suck. Is anyone really benefitting from that level of delusional self confidence?

People seem to be getting more righteous, more rude, and more intolerant for the (supposed) benefit of society. And (unsurprisingly) they take no responsibility for their own actions because they are so busy being righteous.

I can stand a lot of things, but one thing I just can't stand is sanctimoniousness.

Definitely do what you need to do to keep your own peace.

Edited by Jibralta
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20 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I agree with you. I agreed with you before you went into detail, actually--if you stand by and watch the 20 year old drink to excess, you then make an ass out of yourself when you subsequently defend her as a being "just a child." It's a very entitled, illogical, way of being: They can do no wrong because she says so. 

It's childlike, actually. Adults understand the intricacies of dealing with different people. Adults understand how to pick through issues and have disagreements without blowing the whole place up. Children--bad children, not all children--act selfish and throw temper tantrums, are bossy, point fingers, play favorites, run and tell, etc.

Children don't take responsibility--but they have an excuse: they don't know how, or they lack the experience or the strength. Your brother has no excuse. Maybe he's afraid of his daughter's temper. Lots of parents seem to be afraid of their kids these days. We're living in a strange time.

It seems like more and more adults are just overgrown children. Overgrown-child parents raise kids to be just like them--worse, actually, because their kids are the best kids. And of course the kids grow up thinking that they really are the best, even if they totally suck. Is anyone really benefitting from that level of delusional self confidence?

People seem to be getting more righteous, more rude, and more intolerant for the (supposed) benefit of society. And (unsurprisingly) they take no responsibility for their own actions because they are so busy being righteous.

I can stand a lot of things, but one thing I just can't stand is sanctimoniousness.

Definitely do what you need to do to keep your own peace.

Thank you.
My mom was mad at me for defending my husband and not my niece. She said you always defend your husband and your own child . Well, no shyte lady. Aren’t you defending your son who stood there like a lump and said nada? Or your drunk grand daughter ? She has told me herself that my niece is entitled and spoiled but she has a hard life because her mother rejects her and we think she was sexually abused and she also has a genetic psychological disorder. 
 

I said mom , I suggest you shut up about hard lives ok. Unless you want  me to bring up stuff you aren’t going to like as one of the perpetrators of MY bad life . I said she is a spoiled entitled brat who takes her temper out on her dad and has physically assaulted him before like her psychotic mother. I said my brother tell me more than he ever tells you because you are “ mom” and I am his peer. And she is a spoiled brat and if that was me you would have kicked my a$$. She said no I wouldn’t have . And four people burst into laughter and said oh hell yes you would have.

I knew it was a bad idea going and I was borne out in that and went against my better judgement. Now that I won’t go for Christmas my mom says I am “ punishing “ her by not letting her see her family together. 😡😡😡

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And by kick my a$$ I mean a very harsh verbal smack down. My mom has told me many times I didn’t let you get away with ANYTHING because I didn’t want you to turn out like an entitled little crap head. 
 

But it is ok for the grandkids? 

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Yeah, I am done with dysfunction palooza. I am staying home . A lot less agitation for us anyway. 
 

…..
Yesterday my husband was supposed to get his ear wax removed . He gets tons and tons and tons like both his parents unfortunately. They haven’t been cleaned in 2 years due to Covid so they are so impacted they can’t get the wax out. He has to put mineral oil in his ears for 2 weeks first and they will try again. 

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All I can say is I am terrified. My brother said 20 months ago our world as we know it is finished and it will continue to get worse and the world economy and shortages of goods and services and even gas and hydro and whatever is going to get worse not better and we will be paying for generations for this pandemic. He staid to be as astute as you can with money and things. 

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We went to a different church this morning and structure is the same . Still not the friendly feel of my old parish and you can tell they are horrified just horrified of any Covid. They are at extremely minimal attendance. No waving , the Eucharistic minister won’t even say Body of Christ  etc etc. 
 

But at least more or less follows the Laws of the Church. 

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I used to go grocery shopping on Sunday mornings and I noticed the Catholic church across the street from the store has both outdoor and indoor seating.  For the outdoor seating, people bring their own folding chairs and set them up on the lawn or on the paved patio.  I think that's a great solution for those who aren't comfortable being inside with a large group.

My brother only attends services on Easter and Christmas.  Last Easter he said he sat in the "crying room" (yes, the church he attended still has one!).  No shaking hands during "peace be with you".  I'm not sure how they handle communion since he's not in the correct state to receive it.  I believe the service is still the traditional type service.

My son attends every Sunday with his grandmother.  His dad and uncle are still too fearful to attend, so my son takes Grandma.  The services are traditional and are indoors.  They used to attend at a different church but his grandmother didn't like how "modern" the service had become.  She too prefers traditional.

It would be interesting to know how and why they make the decision on how to conduct services.

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27 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I used to go grocery shopping on Sunday mornings and I noticed the Catholic church across the street from the store has both outdoor and indoor seating.  For the outdoor seating, people bring their own folding chairs and set them up on the lawn or on the paved patio.  I think that's a great solution for those who aren't comfortable being inside with a large group.

My brother only attends services on Easter and Christmas.  Last Easter he said he sat in the "crying room" (yes, the church he attended still has one!).  No shaking hands during "peace be with you".  I'm not sure how they handle communion since he's not in the correct state to receive it.  I believe the service is still the traditional type service.

My son attends every Sunday with his grandmother.  His dad and uncle are still too fearful to attend, so my son takes Grandma.  The services are traditional and are indoors.  They used to attend at a different church but his grandmother didn't like how "modern" the service had become.  She too prefers traditional.

It would be interesting to know how and why they make the decision on how to conduct services.

Yeah, it is 9C here today so outside is going to be not possible from here on out . But they did have the parish centre open for overflow and had the service broadcast in there. 
 

My old parish our priest’s attitude was if we are going to get Covid we will and if we die that is how we are meant to die. He didn’t nag people about masks. They followed cleaning and capacity protocols and that was it. But he was a bit of a rebel and felt religious services were being curtailed against the law and the Constitution and he didn’t mind saying so. He could be a wild card . But I loved the traditions we used to say the Amina Christi after  communion and things like that. We would say a prayer for Vocations. 
The new church doesn’t do any of these. But at least there’s a priest saying  the Mass. 

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I had another issue out with my mom. Every day for a month she has been asking me if I have more set up, if I am working on the house, when am I going to start working . MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY. I had to tell her , look, you are pi$$ing me off. Stop with the push push push push. I am 55 years old and I can handle my own life. You can care and ask about my life but you don’t need to smoother me to death. 
 

She was mad but boy do I feel better. 

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Does she actually remember she's already asked you multiple times? Or is that just her way?

My mom used to do that a little bit but she had a serious illness and was on many medications so she probably didn't remember.

One of my friends posts things on Facebook such as her favorite team won a game or she went for a nice walk or she and her husband went out to dinner and on every.single.post her parents will reply "Why don't you ever call us? You should call!" Every time! She told them if they didn't knock it off she was going to block them. Of course they continued so she did block them for a while. It worked! When she unblocked them they didn't do it anymore.

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8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Does she actually remember she's already asked you multiple times? Or is that just her way?

My mom used to do that a little bit but she had a serious illness and was on many medications so she probably didn't remember.

One of my friends posts things on Facebook such as her favorite team won a game or she went for a nice walk or she and her husband went out to dinner and on every.single.post her parents will reply "Why don't you ever call us? You should call!" Every time! She told them if they didn't knock it off she was going to block them. Of course they continued so she did block them for a while. It worked! When she unblocked them they didn't do it anymore.

Oh no it is her way. She has always been this way even when I was a teenager when she was in her 30’s She doesn’t know how to motivate anyone who has the slightest bit of depression. Due to my dad if she even sees like the slightest hint or depression or procrastination or even the hint of a nap in the day she goes all Batman on your butt. Her motivation with me is emotionally pound me until I “ do better.” She has even told me this is her tactic . Emotionally pound me until I do what she feels I should be doing “ for my own good.”

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