Really feel like I am in trouble here...

[wayoff]

A newly divorced woman with small children takes these decisions very seriously. Had you been respectful of that and taken your time to get to some sort of conclusion, you may have had a different outcome. Instead you tried to force her into a decision and you did it in a way that was manipulative and punishing. All in order to get what you want.

 

Sorry, I don't mean to pile on here. I hope you take something away from this. It sounds as you are.

 

Ya, a broken heart...smh

[MissCanuck]

I wanted her to be sure about the wedding. She contacted me the next day. I ignored her. I could not have sent the wrong message.

 

Ignoring her sent the wrong message, OP. It's rude and juvenile.

 

Have you tried to use that tactic before to get what you want from her? I am trying to understand what the heck your logic was behind ignoring her. I think you are now calling it "space" because your plan totally backfired and she is done with you.

[maew]

You felt she needed time to find herself so you pushed her away?

 

I think it’s you that needed time to find yourself and you put that onto her. Either that or you think she is too dumb or naive to think for herself. Either way, let this be a lesson to you... in future let people make their own decisions for their own reasons and be honest with her and with yourself about how you feel.... because being manipulative and sneaky will get you nowhere.

[katrina1980]

wayoff, I think I understand your reasoning, sort of. I don’t agree with it because I have had it done to me and it’s extremely confusing and hurtful.

 

Anyway, I am not seeing what you did as punishing so much as wanting to scare her into thinking that her not be ready for marriage pushed you away for good.

 

Your reasoning being if she thought you were gone for good, somehow that would kick start more desire in her causing her to be ready.

 

Which can work with some women who are confused about how they feel, but more so with insecure women who lack the self-esteem to see your “plan” as a manipulation and an attempt at control.

 

Women sometimes play this same game too when a woman wants marriage and her partner isn't "ready."

 

So what to do? The only thing you can do now is be honest with her about your "plan" and your feelings and hope she understands and you can start again, this time with honesty, openness and integrity not manipulative games in an attempt to elicit the response you want and control her.

 

Best of luck.

[Rose Mosse]

No person in their right mind would jump into the marriage boat with another person under those circumstances (post #21). If you called a time out, it's because you probably thought it was a good idea for a time out in the first place. I don't believe you were manipulative. You were following your gut instincts and it was clearly telling you to be cautious. Why that didn't kick in earlier and cause you to avoid a full blown relationship with a married woman is another topic. Pat yourself on the back for taking a time out and seeing the situation for what it is. I think you dodged a bullet. Leave it at that and just accept that the relationship is completely over. Start over new but this time with someone that's fully available and not in another relationship with someone else.

[katrina1980]

Rose, I agree with him taking a time out too, but for goodness sakes, communicate that to her, don't just suddenly pull away and ignore, and ghost her.

 

Which again I think he did to scare her in an attempt to elicit the response he wanted. Which was manipulative, wayoff so much as admitted that.

 

That's just mean and causes more confusion imo as is exactly what is happening now.

 

What the heck happened to being HONEST with your partner?

 

wayoff, if you needed some space after she told she wasn't ready, that is certainly understandable and your prerogative, your mistake was just disappearing and ignoring her leaving her to think god only knows what.

[Rose Mosse]

It seems she wasn't honest with her husband if she was cheating in the first place with another man (the OP). I don't feel the entire situation is an honest situation and I don't believe the relationship might have started out on the right foot. That's why these insecurities develop. The OP tried to halt something that was moving too fast and she balked and deemed him no longer useful. She's already dating someone else and has blocked him.

 

There is no afterward in this case. It's over. Move on and just learn from this experience.

[katrina1980]

It seems she wasn't honest with her husband if she was cheating in the first place with another man (the OP). I don't feel the entire situation is an honest situation and I don't believe the relationship might have started out on the right foot. That's why these insecurities develop. The OP tried to halt something that was moving too fast and she balked and deemed him no longer useful. She's already dating someone else and has blocked him.

 

There is no afterward in this case. It's over. Move on and just learn from this experience.

 

I'm sorry I am confused by the bolded Rose. I just read OP's initial post again and he clearly said he wanted marriage and she wasn't sure, and because she wasn't sure he arbitrarily decided to pull away for a week without communicating that to her.

 

After which she became upset, so he pulled away again for two weeks, after which she essentially dumped him (rightfully so imo).

 

What I am confused about is your saying the OP was trying to halt something that was moving too fast? He asked her to marry him, how is that him trying to halt something?

 

To me he was trying to push something that was moving too fast by bringing up marriage and expecting her to know right then what she wanted.

 

I have no opinion about how she behaved in her previous marriage (dishonesty, cheating) as that is not what the OP in concerned about at the moment.

 

I DO agree there is no afterward in this case, it's done, over, move on, lesson learnt.

[katrina1980]

Rose, I think I understand what you're saying (I think). If I am wrong, I apologize.

 

That by suddenly pulling away he was trying to "halt" things but the way I see it that wasn't why he pulled away.

 

He pulled away hoping it would create more desire in her, more certainty and want to marry him, which is manipulative.

 

He admitted it, that it was a test of sorts.

[Rose Mosse]

It's subtle but I read that he halted things here:

 

"I wanted to marry her, but felt she needed some time to find herself again. I kind of pushed her away so she would make the decision independently. I felt that would be better. So, I did and we were zero contact for a week." (post #1)

 

There were also subtle hints about ups and downs or bumps prior to this statement in post #1. What those ups and downs are, I'm not sure, but one can infer that it may have to do with her marriage ending and the divorce and the difference in ideas or timing regarding marriage again.

 

I don't see the OP asking her to marry him. Did you see that somewhere else? I may have missed it. I only read that they were talking about marriage but couldn't agree on it. I'm also getting the sense that the OP is skittish about her and ultimately may not trust her at all based on her prior actions in her previous marriage. It's not a very healthy start to a relationship especially if they're now discussing marriage (the terrible and painful irony of it all).

[katrina1980]

 

I don't see the OP asking her to marry him. Did you see that somewhere else?

 

I don't believe I ever said he asked her to marry him. Only that they discussed and he wanted it. Apparently she wasn't quite ready so he pushed her away (his words) in an attempt to manipulate her into being ready. Again, he so much as admitted it. That he made a huge mistake, a bad judgment call, and blew it.

 

Anyway it's not really worth debating, clearly we're interpreting the situation differently which is okay.

 

Bottom line, it's over and done, move on.

 

Learn from it. :)

[wayoff]

Ignoring her sent the wrong message, OP. It's rude and juvenile.

 

Have you tried to use that tactic before to get what you want from her? I am trying to understand what the heck your logic was behind ignoring her. I think you are now calling it "space" because your plan totally backfired and she is done with you.

 

It was a plan...to give her space and get out of her whatever she needed...I am not sure it is over either.

“The general who wins the battle makes many calculations in his temple before the battle is fought. The general who loses makes but few calculations beforehand.” Sun Tzu

[reinventmyself]

If you called a time out, it's because you probably thought it was a good idea for a time out in the first place. I don't believe you were manipulative..

But he so much as admitted he shut her down for the wrong reasons and to get a reaction out of her.

[wayoff]

You felt she needed time to find herself so you pushed her away?

 

I think it’s you that needed time to find yourself and you put that onto her. Either that or you think she is too dumb or naive to think for herself. Either way, let this be a lesson to you... in future let people make their own decisions for their own reasons and be honest with her and with yourself about how you feel.... because being manipulative and sneaky will get you nowhere.

 

I agree on the lesson.

[wayoff]

wayoff, I think I understand your reasoning, sort of. I don’t agree with it because I have had it done to me and it’s extremely confusing and hurtful.

 

Anyway, I am not seeing what you did as punishing so much as wanting to scare her into thinking that her not be ready for marriage pushed you away for good.

 

Your reasoning being if she thought you were gone for good, somehow that would kick start more desire in her causing her to be ready.

 

Which can work with some women who are confused about how they feel, but more so with insecure women who lack the self-esteem to see your “plan” as a manipulation and an attempt at control.

 

Women sometimes play this same game too when a woman wants marriage and her partner isn't "ready."

 

So what to do? The only thing you can do now is be honest with her about your "plan" and your feelings and hope she understands and you can start again, this time with honesty, openness and integrity not manipulative games in an attempt to elicit the response you want and control her.

 

Best of luck.

 

No no no...I never asked her. We were discussing it. I wanted her to be able to process any feelings after the divorce through her own feelings without any influence from me. I also did tell her what I was doing. I felt if this was strong enough to get married then she will come back.

[wayoff]

No person in their right mind would jump into the marriage boat with another person under those circumstances (post #21). If you called a time out, it's because you probably thought it was a good idea for a time out in the first place. I don't believe you were manipulative. You were following your gut instincts and it was clearly telling you to be cautious. Why that didn't kick in earlier and cause you to avoid a full blown relationship with a married woman is another topic. Pat yourself on the back for taking a time out and seeing the situation for what it is. I think you dodged a bullet. Leave it at that and just accept that the relationship is completely over. Start over new but this time with someone that's fully available and not in another relationship with someone else.

 

I get you here, but everyone knew the marriage was all but over for a long time. No sex, no love, no passion...etc.

[Rose Mosse]

Katrina, post #33, your third paragraph. You mentioned he asked her to marry him. I agree with you we see it differently. I tend to believe in the OP's gut instincts for being skittish about her from the start. I think his conscience and good sense kicked in later.

 

I think the OP wants to believe that there's a chance because he cares for her. There really isn't (any chance past what they've shared). It's over and she's moved on. I don't feel it's healthy to make that request of her either when she's shown signs of moving on and not wanting to have anything to do with him. He feels guilty (it could be from any number of reasons for such a convoluted and unhealthy situation). I'm not very prepared into believing the admission of guilt from the OP when it's skewed towards wanting to find a chance at reconciliation and in an effort not to seem like the bad guy. He was called manipulative a number of times in the thread and I think he really didn't want to appear that way to anyone. The admission is flawed in my view.

[wayoff]

Rose, I agree with him taking a time out too, but for goodness sakes, communicate that to her, don't just suddenly pull away and ignore, and ghost her.

 

Which again I think he did to scare her in an attempt to elicit the response he wanted. Which was manipulative, wayoff so much as admitted that.

 

That's just mean and causes more confusion imo as is exactly what is happening now.

 

What the heck happened to being HONEST with your partner?

 

wayoff, if you needed some space after she told she wasn't ready, that is certainly understandable and your prerogative, your mistake was just disappearing and ignoring her leaving her to think god only knows what.

 

She was never asked. I did tell her. She communicated against it yet I went on.

[wayoff]

Katrina, post #33, your third paragraph. You mentioned he asked her to marry him. I agree with you we see it differently. I tend to believe in the OP's gut instincts for being skittish about her from the start. I think his conscience and good sense kicked in later.

 

I think the OP wants to believe that there's a chance because he cares for her. There really isn't (any chance past what they've shared). It's over and she's moved on. I don't feel it's healthy to make that request of her either when she's shown signs of moving on and not wanting to have anything to do with him. He feels guilty (it could be from any number of reasons for such a convoluted and unhealthy situation). I'm not very prepared into believing the admission of guilt from the OP when it's skewed towards wanting to find a chance at reconciliation and in an effort not to seem like the bad guy. He was called manipulative a number of times in the thread and I think he really didn't want to appear that way to anyone. The admission is flawed in my view.

 

Stop...yes I want her back...and just talked to her. Why is it over because she is dating someone??? I made a mistake and told her that it was not my intention to push her away completely. She said I was blocked because she was mad and din't trust me anymore.

[wayoff]

It seems she wasn't honest with her husband if she was cheating in the first place with another man (the OP). I don't feel the entire situation is an honest situation and I don't believe the relationship might have started out on the right foot. That's why these insecurities develop. The OP tried to halt something that was moving too fast and she balked and deemed him no longer useful. She's already dating someone else and has blocked him.

 

There is no afterward in this case. It's over. Move on and just learn from this experience.

 

You misunderstand and what is with all the move on and forget it stuff? I mean wow. She is just dating.

[katrina1980]

@Rose, you're right, I did say he asked her to marry him, my bad. I was thinking and typing fast, and meant to write -- they discussed marriage and he wanted it.

 

That said, although he did not ask her per se, I am presuming she knew he wanted to marry her and she wasn't quite ready.

 

No no no...I never asked her. We were discussing it. I wanted her to be able to process any feelings after the divorce through her own feelings without any influence from me. I also did tell her what I was doing. I felt if this was strong enough to get married then she will come back.

 

Oh so you actually told her you would not be contacting her for a week? To give her some time and space to sort things out?

 

How did she respond to that?

 

Why didn't you tell us that? My impression was that you had ghosted her and when I posted that, why didn't you correct me? That you had actually told her you wouldn't be contacting her for a week. That makes a huge difference.

[MissCanuck]

It was a plan...to give her space and get out of her whatever she needed

 

Did you tell her this was your plan, to give her space? Did she already know you'd be taking a week's time-out on communication?

[Wiseman2]

lol. measure once cut twice. measure twice cut once. Listen, eastern philosophy and pseudo-intellectualism does not explain playing games and mind-f's you played on her. You manipulated and it backfired. You got what you deserved from being a control freak.

 

Listen to Sun Tzu and don't keep making the same mistake of manipulating and trying to control everything and everyone.

“The general who wins the battle makes many calculations in his temple before the battle is fought. The general who loses makes but few calculations beforehand.”

[lostandhurt]

I get you here, but everyone knew the marriage was all but over for a long time. No sex, no love, no passion...etc.

 

Dude,

 

Do you know how many times we have seen this excuse on here for people that are trying to rationalize cheating? She was married and living with her husband with her children and you helped her cheat. It was wrong and no amount of excuses can ever change that. You both need to own it.

 

So you were dating a cheater that jumped from her husbands branch to yours and kept brining up marriage. I don't think you thought she needed space, I think deep down you had doubts and that is where all this came from. She cheated on her husband and now she is talking marriage to you. Don't tell me you haven't wondered how long it would be before you were the victim of cheating instead of the accomplis. The fact that she started dating some new guy right away should show you the type of person you are dealing with. Think about that...

 

These relationships that start with cheating rarely turn out healthy.

 

Do yourself a favor and walk away and STOP messing with married women!!!

 

Lost

[Wiseman2]

Yes exactly. When you sleep with snakes you get bitten.

She cheated on her husband and now she is talking marriage to you. Don't tell me you haven't wondered how long it would be before you were the victim of cheating instead of the accomplis. The fact that she started dating some new guy right away should show you the type of person you are dealing with.