She broke up with me over something I did wrong. Feeling awful about it.

[MrWobblyTickle]

Hey all. Not sure if anyone will read this but an update.

 

So I went and saw her June 2nd. We spoke and set boundaries. Agreed to get back together and she said she wanted something long term. She was all over me like nothing had happened between us. She also said she would let people know we’re back together.

Her flatmate came home early and we explained we are back together.

 

Back to the phonecalls and I love you from her throughout the week. All back to normal. See her the following weekend. 8th and 9th June. All normal and we go back to having sex. She is very sexual with me that weekend.

 

Following Friday 14th I go to see her before she goes away on holiday. Seems fine with me and normal. We have sex that night but she says she hurts halfway through so I put a stop to it. We speak afterwards and she tells me how her dad use to beat her and her siblings.

 

Wake up the next day. She doesn’t want to really talk to me or want me near her. Exactly how she was last year when I broke up with her. All day she is off with me. I get her to talk to me and she tells me she is gay again. She says she will always prefer women. She says she wants me in her life as her male best friend and that she loves me and misses me but in the sense of just friends. I agreed to be friends.

 

I stayed the night on a separate mattress and she went off on holiday and sent me pictures and videos of the holiday.

 

We stayed in touch and agreed to meet up last weekend. 29th and 30th June. We just hung out and played video games and watched TV. We get on very well when hanging out. It got late so I ended up staying. We talked for over an hour about everything. I said how this had made me feel and that I still love her and care about her. She said she cares about me too but she just wants to be with women. She doesn’t want a man.

 

She told me how outspoken her dad was about her sexuality and now she has moved out she can do what she wants. I think I was used to keep her entertained while she was living at home. Her dad ignored her when she was with a girl previously. She got fairly teary eyed during this conversation.

 

She said the next girl will be lucky to have me and that she doesn’t deserve my friendship. She admitted she used me to work out who she was and she knows she has hurt me.

She said she will be gutted if I wasn’t in her life.

She said I can be the best man at her wedding. I have noticed this pattern of saying weird things like that.

 

We then agreed to be friends but I have said if I need space I will let her know. Afterwards I was an idiot and asked if we could have sex one more time. She sat there and didn’t say no but was unsure. I said if she didn’t want to we won’t. We sat quietly for a bit and then she agreed. Saying be passionate and no talking. We had sex for a bit and then she stopped it saying it felt wrong as she only likes women.

 

She was totally cool about the sex and I said I was worried it would change things but she said it doesn’t and she knows how it feels to be horny and wanting it. So we’re all good there.

 

Woke up the next day she was normal with me and we watched TV and had a laugh. I left at 1pm Sunday on good terms. We have messaged a little back and forth since.

 

I know she is already talking to someone new. A girl called Kayleigh I think. She kept making sure I couldn’t see her phone screen when I was hanging out with her and i’ve noticed she is on Whatsapp till late.

 

I feel so so stupid for getting back with her. Everyone was saying she would dump me again soon and I didn’t listen. I am now depressed and seeking psychiatric help. I plan to go back to the gym, learn to drive, take up a martial art and join the police.

 

I don’t think she will ever change. She’ll jump from partner to partner just sleeping about and not being able to maintain a relationship. She doesn’t look after herself and never will. I have encouraged her to get back on her anti depressants and seek professional help but she seems reluctant.

 

Will just have to see how this friendship goes as we get on well just hanging out and talking but a relationship is a big no no for us.

 

Thank you for your time.

[ninjabib]

I remember this. Personally I'm not so sure remaining friends will help you recover but it's your life. Good luck and I hope you move on soon.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Walk away. Find a straight woman who is clear on what she wants in general and clear about wanting to date you in particular. Don't chase phantoms.

[boltnrun]

I think trying to hang out with her and "being friends" is a mistake when by your own admission you are still in love with her.

 

What happens if she invites you over to hang out and Kayleigh or some other woman is there, snuggling up to her and exchanging kisses and calling each other pet names? Would you feel awkward? Jealous? Hurt?

[No1]

Remember what I said. Any pain you feel is because you wanted it. If you remain 'friends' with her, will be asking for more pain daily. But if that is what you want, Good luck to you.

[saluk]

Except for the part where she says she doesn't want to be with you because she prefers women, it sounds like you get along really well and enjoy each other's company.

 

But you could have a relationship like that with someone who DOES want you.

 

Staying friends with her will lower your chances of being able to move on. Staying friends is fine for her, because that's all she wants anyway. You want more. You've proven you will never get that from her.

 

Letting her stay in your life is going to be like trying to run a marathon with cement shoes.

[MrWobblyTickle]

Something interesting came up and I thought I would share.

 

She has dark hair growing on her chin, chest, stomach and buttocks areas. I never really thought about it but last time I saw her she pointed it out to me in an attempt to put me off her. I had noticed it but it never really bothered me. Anyway I believe that is called Hirsutism. Which is linked to Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.

Which comes with mood issues and depression.

 

That has also been linked to something that sums her up and her weird behaviour perfectly. Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

She seems to tick all the boxes for it.

 

Idealisation of me (shouldn’t of let me go and calling me her man. Also called me her favourite person once.) and then sudden devaluation of me making out I had done the absolute worst thing ever and making me feel very guilty. One day ok with me and then the next not talking to me and shying away.

 

Mood swings.

 

Living in a fantasy world.

 

Self harm and suicidal thoughts last year.

 

Impluses such sex and spending. She is very sexual and is awful with her money.

 

She was abused as a child physically by her stepdad because she told me. Whether there was sexual abuse I don’t know.

 

I read they can jump about with their sexual orientation. Which has happened twice now to me. I have been warned she may come back and flirt with me again.

 

When I tried to say goodbye permanently she was all apologetic. They hate being abandoned. Did the classic BPD thing of “Go away! No don’t leave me!”

 

Very controlling and manipulative.

 

Can be very child like. E.g pinky swearing we’d stay friends and giggling when we broke up the last time.

 

Depression and low self esteem. Doesn’t look after herself at all.

 

I am sure there was more but I will add them if I remember.

 

So to all the people saying she had mental health issues you were very right. Obviously I can’t diagnose but she ticks a lot of the boxes for BPD. It would explain the bizarre behaviour and things she said. I feel this gives me an answer to all this but obviously can’t be sure.

 

Thank you for your time.

[reinventmyself]

By the looks of it you've been perusing psych websites.

 

You know we can google just about anything and find something that sticks, right?

 

You may be onto something and to be honest, I did the same.

I did the same until a therapist told me my time was better spent on trying to figure myself out.

 

Trying to diagnose someone that's turned their back on you serves no purpose.

 

The larger question: Why didn't you think you deserved better? What is it about you that was attracted or attracted someone like this?

 

~we are as healthy as the company we keep~

[MissCanuck]

Regardless of what conditions she may or may not suffer from, OP, it's time for you to let go.

 

I say that having been in a relationship with someone who had twice been diagnosed with BPD. Yes, it is confusing and we naturally seek answers for erratic or irrational behaviour. Our egos want to know it wasn't us, per se, but some external factors that led to the demise of a relationship.

 

But in the end? It doesn't really make much difference. It might help explain some of the chaos or put a name on the pain, but it doesn't do anything to make a relationship work when one party clearly doesn't want to be there or isn't capable of having the type of relationship you want. You would be wise to instead figure out what afflicts you, to the extent that you'd keep going back for more. Only then will you really heal and avoid relationships like this in the future.

 

Whatever issues she is dealing with aren't your concern anymore.

[Wiseman2]

If it helps you to move on by putting her under a microscope and assuming a laundry list of supposed defects then you are engaging in the sours grapes method. Sooner or later when you are closer to healing, you'll realize you picked her in the first place, so wasting your time "researching" all the defects and mental problems and so forth says more about you than her. While googling all these alleged symptoms and diseases, have you given any thought to what your role in choosing such a supposedly defective person is?

Obviously I can’t diagnose...

[No1]

OP.. must be so hard to look into a mirror and be honest with yourself. You can put your X under a microscope but you are unwilling to do the same for yourself. You read and research everything good and bad with your X but afraid of the truth what you might discover about yourself.

 

All you are doing is finding distractions to avoid the truth and the moment. Id say go seek professional help (if you are not doing it already) because you not wanting to let go is very unhealthy for you.

[MrWobblyTickle]

To everyone who posted after my last post about BPD. You’re all right.

 

I need to take a step back and look at myself in this situation. I have reacted so badly to it. I made this girl my world and now I can’t handle us not being together. I am wondering who she is with or what she is doing most of the time. She has issues but I do too.

 

I think my issues are co-dependency, low self esteem and confidence, depression etc

 

I think i’d rather be with anyone than no one. That is why I looked past her faults when I was with her. I am so sad now because I feel I messed up and lost what I see as a good relationship. I blame myself a lot. I have always been someone who wants a definitive answer to things. That is why I have looked into this all so much.

 

She made me feel special and wanted. I put all my time love and effort into it. I had someone calling me and messaging me. She said it was a mistake to let me go and she loved me. Now it is over I am just confused and seem to seeking a definitive answer. I want her back but I know I can’t have her. I think I miss what she provided me with. Attention, affection and intimacy.

[reinventmyself]

I think my issues are co-dependency, low self esteem and confidence, depression etc

 

I think i’d rather be with anyone than no one.

You've given an opportunity, a gift if you will to do things differently.

 

There's a crude saying `when we are hungry, we'll eat just about anything'

Could that possibly describe your experiences?

 

How about you give some thought into working on yourself so you don't find yourself in this position again?

It's a long journey but well worth it.

 

Imagine enjoying your own company and from there you become very discriminating about who you get involved with?

 

I read a saying once `consider anyone who comes into your life as an invited guest' I love that saying. And as simple is it sounds it spoke volumes to me when I read it.

[boltnrun]

Do you want to remain co-dependent, depressed, with low self esteem, someone who seeks out damaged people to get involved with? Or do you choose to get emotionally and mentally healthy so your next relationship is warm and fulfilling in a positive way?

[saluk]

She may have a lot of issues, but the biggest one is "doesn't want to be with you-itus". Unfortunately, there is no cure.