Wife had an a affair and still won't show me her ig.

[greendots]

Thanks for your reply, yes I'm trying to stay strong for me and both my girls also have a 10 yr old.

 

It is great to hear that you are trying to stay strong.

 

But please stop with the 'she did this and didn't do that' bit. She's still acting irresponsibly, I get it. However, do not engage. You cannot reason with someone reckless and, most importantly, warfare brings nothing. Besides, think of your children!

 

So, realistically, for the sake of your children, your own and your marriage, what's the best thing you can do right now?

 

You already admitted to us that you don't trust her. She doesn't respect you, otherwise she wouldn't have cheated. So then, are you guys going to marriage counselling? Is she willing to attend marriage counselling with you? And are you attending counselling / therapy on your own as well?

 

You may want to seek a lawyer (privately!) too and get your ducks in a row should something happen. Just in case. Aim for the best, be prepared for the worst.

 

I truly hope this all works out for you!

[Beingstrong1]

So after everything yes we are still working in it. We are planning on attending marriage counseling together aswell but not therapy for me yet which I think I need badly. About the lawyer maybe I should be looking , on the piece of paper she had with all therapists numbers there was also a lawyer name too. As for now I guess all I can do is take her word although how can I ? One thing we all know for sure is if she's going to talk to him she's going to do it. I just hope she has the balls to be honest so I can move on from all of this. I just hope I can get my wife and family back but at this point I'm ready for whatever is put in front of me. I don't think there's much more that can hurt me.

I appreciate everyone's response I wish I had found you guys 6 months ago when I first started to get stomped on the floor and stabbed in the back.

[greendots]

So after everything yes we are still working in it. We are planning on attending marriage counseling together aswell but not therapy for me yet which I think I need badly. About the lawyer maybe I should be looking , on the piece of paper she had with all therapists numbers there was also a lawyer name too. As for now I guess all I can do is take her word although how can I ? One thing we all know for sure is if she's going to talk to him she's going to do it. I just hope she has the balls to be honest so I can move on from all of this. I just hope I can get my wife and family back but at this point I'm ready for whatever is put in front of me. I don't think there's much more that can hurt me.

I appreciate everyone's response I wish I had found you guys 6 months ago when I first started to get stomped on the floor and stabbed in the back.

 

I'm very glad to hear she's willing to go to marriage counselling with you! Yay! Meanwhile, please attend individual sessions to help you obtain clarity and work through whatever you need to. Now, I honestly don't know as to whether, in that particular case, seeking a different counsellor / therapist might be better, but surely a specialist will tell you. And please, see a lawyer next week. It's best to be prepared, just in case.

[Beingstrong1]

On mon I'll call number my job have me to speak to a professional sucks not in person but it's a step I guess. The whole later thing has me scared and worried but I guess I need to be ready. This whole social media is crazy and sneaky, I'm now adventuring it and it's CRAZY how easy it is to flirt and connect with anyone a damn shame for the families that have to suffer because of the decisions one makes.

[reinventmyself]

In the meantime stop with the antagonistic questions. They only make a bad situation worse.

[Beingstrong1]

Yes I'll stop with the questioning but almost seems uncontrollable, I know it's making it worse but I just have to let her know how I feel I just can hold nothing in anymore. But yes I'll stop for now I just pray she won't hurt me anymore.

[Coldarmy13]

Yes I'll stop with the questioning but almost seems uncontrollable, I know it's making it worse but I just have to let her know how I feel I just can hold nothing in anymore. But yes I'll stop for now I just pray she won't hurt me anymore.

 

I know EXACTLY what you mean about backhanded comments or observations and even questioning coming almost out of nowhere. I’ve been going through that almost 6 months now.

 

It definitely does not help either party or the relationship move in the right direction if that’s the goal. I find it depends strongly on my mood otherwise, if I’m having a bad morning or had a horrible day at work, that’s when my brain comes up with the barbed comments and the untrusting thought and finding suspicion in actions or words that really don’t warrant it. Almost like I’m looking for a reason or coming up with problems that don’t exist necessarily. Even at times it feels like I’m projecting my pain in her direction because.. well she caused it and the baggage I currently have. So part of me wants her to hurt too but I have to catch myself and realize it only causes more and more problems.

 

It only works to push people further apart and that sucks because It isn’t your fault but once you’ve chosen to stay and work on it, it behooves you to try and deal with the baggage internally or with a therapist and try not to project it all on them. Even though I know the brain sometimes wants to find reasons and comes up with all sorts of things and sharp comments to throw at them.

[Coldarmy13]

Plus, honestly if you were to go the route of looking through her phone you’re going to see things you don’t like. Even if there’s nothing to suggest cheating there’s going to be something that will put all sorts of ideas into your head because of the scars you have from the affair.

 

It’s a bit tougher on you because you found out about it instead of her coming clean about what happened and asking forgiveness. Still hurts the same but I can imagine it being a little worse than I being as her short lived thing was only discovered because she confessed to it.

[lostandhurt]

It is pretty obvious she doesn't care about your feelings so therapy or marriage counseling is probably not going to be productive. Still give it a try but the therapist is going to ask tough questions just like you are and your wife is going to get upset and blame shift. Mark my words...

 

I was in your shoes once (that is why I found this forum) and I didn't want to believe she could be that cruel or dishonest and I wanted to believe her when she told me she was done cheating but it was just more of the same. You see you are afraid of what will happen, what will happen to you and the children, will you ever be happy, will you ever meet anyone that will love you, will you make it through this if it comes to divorce, will you loose all your stuff and have to pay her for the rest of your life. These fears and the love you still feel for her keep you blinded to the truth.

 

I can guarantee you and your children will be just fine. The fact that you found this place is proof of that.

 

I called and visited a therapist my company provides as well and I told him everything as it went down. He looked at me and gave it to me straight because he had seen enough of the same thing to have a pretty good idea how it would end. He was right but I didn't listen when he told me she couldn't be trusted and that she wouldn't stop seeing her bf. It took me a couple of months before I finally cleared my vision and looked carefully and when I did it was right there in front of my face.

 

Do what you think is right but do not stay with her for the children or for money or stuff. Guard your soul and heart as you move forward.

 

I am sorry but she is still talking to her bf behind your back and probably seeing as well. She just wants this episode to go away so she can go back to her life with no regard for your feelings.

 

Keep posting and read these threads from start to finish:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=540327

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=555271

 

Lost

[Usa1ah]

DNA test your daughters.

[Beingstrong1]

Thanks again for everyone's advice and support throughout all this, so it's been maybe a week since I last posted and I hoped things would work out but everything fell apart quick...

So here it goes......

 

So after telling her I forgave her and I would forgive her I had three strikes I call it because she did three things that made my decision. So first one about 4 days ago she went to a friends home and came home a little tipsy, she began typing on her phone and was guarding it. So I stood up leaned over her she instantly put her phone down and said it was her sister but for name of .... She would not show me, right then and there I knew she was still playing. Took off wedding band too.

Okay so three days ago about 8pm she says mom calls and needs to talk to her it's very important. I said you can't wait till tomorrow she said no it's important so she goes for an hour comes back and says mom said she can't babysit the the year old next year. Yea ok

So two days ago I come home from work and was hanging with my three year old and says" daddy daddy we seen ..... At walgreens. She made all types of excuses why they ran into each other.

So yea that's what went down..what you guys think?

[Wiseman2]

You haven't forgiven her and she hasn't been transparent. You've simply entered into a crazy cat-and-mouse game. You have zero trust, albeit well deserved. That will not help your marriage. You both desperately need marriage therapy if there is any chance to salvage this.

[lostandhurt]

What do we think? What does your gut tell you?

 

She is cheating on you right in front of your face. Heck she isn't even trying to hide it much. This shows me how much she is showing complete disdain for you and your marriage. She believes you will not do anything because you are afraid.

 

Is this really how you want to live?

 

What are the living arrangements? Do you jointly own the home? Joint tenants on a lease?

How much combined debt do you have?

Does she work?

 

It is time to see that she is cheating on you and has no intention of stopping. Did you read the threads I asked you to read?

 

Lost

[Rabican]

She's still playing games and you're still walking around with blinders on trying not to accept it or not prove it because she's got you walking on eggshells.

 

The first time she covered her phone after some kind of an affair I would have flat told her she has two choices. GTFO of my house or hand me the phone. The relationship is already over in my opinion. Looking at the phone is simply for you to prove it to yourself without any kind of doubt.

 

Simply put someone who cheats needs to be 100% proactive in repairing the trust in that relationship. Does that sound like what she's doing to you?

 

All the talk of therapy counseling etc is all bull$417 if she's still acting all shady on the side and attacking you for observing it.

 

At this point you could catch her in bed with the other dude and she's gonna tell you that you didn't see what you saw.

[Rabican]

Do yourself a favor man. Man up. You'll feel better for it. Either kick her out, or grab her phone from her hand or end table and get the proof you need and then do it... But find your balls and accept the reality. I'm not saying this to be mean, hate to see another man go through this... You love her you have kids together so in your heart you're trying desperately not to see what you are seeing.

 

Years ago I went through some BS with my then gf we broke up, eventually got together and married later.

 

But I was doing circles doubting myself going crazy with the hiding the phone nonsense, seeing texts that were spelled out for me to see but I refused to see it.

 

It wasn't until I kicked her out did she finally realize I'd had enough.

 

To this day things are fine on that front now but I know what BS smells like now. If I get even the faintest whiff of it I know what's coming and won't put up with it.

[abitbroken]

Do yourself a favor man. Man up. You'll feel better for it. Either kick her out, or grab her phone from her hand or end table and get the proof you need and then do it... But find your balls and accept the reality. I'm not saying this to be mean, hate to see another man go through this... You love her you have kids together so in your heart you're trying desperately not to see what you are seeing.

 

Years ago I went through some BS with my then gf we broke up, eventually got together and married later.

 

But I was doing circles doubting myself going crazy with the hiding the phone nonsense, seeing texts that were spelled out for me to see but I refused to see it.

 

It wasn't until I kicked her out did she finally realize I'd had enough.

 

To this day things are fine on that front now but I know what BS smells like now. If I get even the faintest whiff of it I know what's coming and won't put up with it.

 

DO NOT GRAB HER PHONE!!!! If you grab her wrist that could be construed as assault. Do not touch or take someone's keys, phone, purse, etc. Do NOT GO THERE.

 

You tell her "we are setting up a counseling session, or its over. your choice". Or you decide you trust her and stop interrogating her. STOP questioning her for three days. If she wanted to hide something, she would be looking at her phone at work or in the car. If you make it so she cannot communicate even with her mother because you are so suspicious, you are attempting to isolate her.

[Rabican]

To be clear I said grab her phone not her. Quite a difference. Look at it when she's asleep I dunno.

 

What's clear is she's hiding something right in front of his face. He's seems like he's in denial and won't accept that she's doing wrong, which proof might just wake him up.

 

Or she's simply not hiding it in the car because to this point he hasn't shown the spine needed to make that a necessity.

 

When your wife can cheat on you and then maintain suspicious behavior right in front of your face what reason does she have to go hide it when you've shown her no reason not to? I mean you guys are all telling him don't verify anything. He's doubting the obvious. She's having her cake and eating it too.

 

I'd have already walked at this point... Good luck to the op.

[greendots]

Reality is that as it stands your wife seems to be living in la-la land and respects neither you nor your marriage. You won't be able to reason with her just yet. Have you actually attended marriage counselling? And have you gone to personal counselling?

 

Also, did you end up contacting a lawyer? I cannot stress this enough - before you make any life altering decisions at all, you really need to speak to a lawyer asap. Look, I don't mean to sound harsh. What you are going through is heartbreaking and even worse that children are dragged into this mess! But, should someone choose to divorce the other person (worst case scenario), you might be left with nothing due to being uninformed. I honestly don't want this to happen to you.

 

And please be cautious when reacting to her behaviour. I can barely fathom how irksome this whole situation must be as I am not in your shoes. But you don't want to do anything you might regret further down the line, especially since you've got your own children to consider!

[Buffer01]

She's not the one who has to accept you, you're the one who has to decide if you forgive and accept her back or not. If she's not taking responsibility for her actions and not making an effort to regain your trust and redeem herself, then I think you need to think through if you want to continue this marriage or not. Cheaters who don't take responsibility and work on rebuilding the relationship rarely change. But if you want to try maybe professional help would be the best.

Concur with above. If isn’t up to her to accept but you. If she won’t accept ground rules and boundaries to regain trust that she trashed then give her the papers for divorce. Pack one bag only no conversation and move her out. Retain your home and children stop all joint accounts. Leave half of all joint monies. Change the locks. Get her attention it isn’t about her but you acceptance to let her remain part of your life. She is the cheater