Batya33 Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 what do you mean batya33? she was telling me she had feelings for me and was telling me that she wishes i would come see her when she moves into her new flat etc. and when i said i promise i will, she replied " i hope u mean it like u say it" Because those are words from a stranger (meaning a stranger for all practical purposes when it comes to romantic relationships -I certainly consider my close friends who I've never met in person or only once or twice true friends and not strangers) - and watch the feet -what the person does -not what the person says. Her feet -her actions -were as you described it, flaky, inconsistent, unreliable as far as actually making plans. I've had a sort of similar experiences with women I correspond with on line who I've first seen on our facebook group. Often they post about how they want friends SOOOOO badly. Then when it comes to actually meeting the flaky actions come out - they simply don't want to put in the effort to meet in person (and sure maybe in certain cases it was that we didn't have enough in common, they didn't like me for some reason - of course -I'm talking where it's clear they do like me - they just want to keep it to chatting on line because it's easier and more convenient -and their cries/complaints about "no friends" likely is because they don't want it badly enough to show up in person based on an advance plan). Link to comment
saluk Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 "i had booked a restuarnt, a nice romantic frnech one as she told me she likes french food and likes to be romanced and hopes i romance her. so if a girl tells you this what am i supposed to do?!" People say all sorts of things. I would weight what she says with what I know about her character. If the words don't match what I have learned, I would be skeptical. Frankly, someone who I've never met texting me that they want me to romance her? I would think she's nuts! Look, things were OK at the start, but here's where you went wrong. When meeting a stranger, you go through a series of tests to see if they are on the up and up. Like, the kinds of questions you were asking at the start to get to know her. If she said something you didn't like, you probably would have ended it there. But the next test, was talking on the phone or skype. She failed that test repeatedly. You should have went, well, she failed the second test, so there's no point in continuing things. Instead, you got irritated that she failed the test, and graduated her anyway! If it's any consolation, it's doubtful you would have got on with her in person even if she wasn't so cold to you. It is really easy to create a fake persona online. You fancied the fake persona that she created, and that you embellished in your own mind. It's actually not that hard for people to create a fake persona with in person dating too. It's just, if you are seeing them often it can be harder to maintain. Sorry you got hurt. Next time, hold back a lot more. Only put in an amount of effort/affection that matches what level you are at, and what you can verify about the other person. Date locally. It's so much easier. Link to comment
lamo Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 is it true if a girl really likes u , in this case she would have not minded me coming to stay at hers in her country and spend weekend just two of us at her flat? Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 what do you mean batya33? she was telling me she had feelings for me and was telling me that she wishes i would come see her when she moves into her new flat etc. and when i said i promise i will, she replied " i hope u mean it like u say it" You just accounted for the 2 to 3 weeks prior to actually meeting and her lack of communication and just an overall feeling something wasn't right. You want as far as to shut it down and with minimal effort on her end, you continued to make plans to meet her anyway. In the end you surprised and disappointed? It's ok to be disappointed but given everything you shared, you should also have been at least a little prepared. Link to comment
lamo Posted July 9, 2019 Author Share Posted July 9, 2019 You just accounted for the 2 to 3 weeks prior to actually meeting and her lack of communication and just an overall feeling something wasn't right. You want as far as to shut it down and with minimal effort on her end, you continued to make plans to meet her anyway. In the end you surprised and disappointed? It's ok to be disappointed but given everything you shared, you should also have been at least a little prepared. i actually told her a few days before she was meant to fly in that i wont be coming to see her in london. she replied saying " ur an idiot" i did eventually change my mind and go see her Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 Sorry it didn't go well. Delete and block her and all her people ans date local girls you can meet for a quick low key coffee in a timely manner. Don't get to involved/attached to someone you haven't met. Link to comment
lamo Posted July 11, 2019 Author Share Posted July 11, 2019 if i was more sexual and flirty with our conversations would that have avoided what happened? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 if i was more sexual and flirty with our conversations would that have avoided what happened? Well sort of. If she was interested in a potential dating relationship she likely would have cut things off much much earlier thus avoiding all the planning. Flirty -it depends - how far you take it. She is a stranger for practical and safety purposes. I stopped chatting with anyone from an online site who mentioned anything sexual -after we met and dated it would depend on context, etc but from someone I'd never met -no way. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 if i was more sexual and flirty with our conversations would that have avoided what happened? go back and reread Katrina's response #17 Virtual relationships are a fantasy. Fantasy rarely matches reality. So no, being sexual and flirty would likely have an opposite affect. It would just further feed the fantasy. Link to comment
saluk Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 if i was more sexual and flirty with our conversations would that have avoided what happened? No. Stopping chatting with her when she wouldn't progress to the next logical step (skype call) would have avoided what happened. You need to think about your dating goals. "How do I get this girl to date me" will lead to a series of misadventures. Before you ask "how", you should be asking "should I try to date this girl". If she blows you off and dances around meeting you, she's a faker, and the answer to that question is no. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 No. In-person meets can be a shocker particularly when way too much is built up in your mind beforehand for way too long.if i was more sexual and flirty with our conversations would that have avoided what happened? Link to comment
lamo Posted July 12, 2019 Author Share Posted July 12, 2019 the thing i dont understand is at the beginning we were talking a lot. i didnt know she liked me until we were talking evevry day and she was saying romantic things about amazing i am and we were talking about past exes and how this would be the first time trying a long distance. she was like it can work with the right people. at the beginning she would initiate and id ask her flirty sexual stuff like " i cant wait to kiss you" etc and she would respond " you will have to wait and see in a few weeks if you want to". she would say she wants to dance with me and no other girl to dance with me in the club when we meet etc. something went wrong with her towards me 2 weeks before she flew in amd it cant be just cos she was busy moving to a one bed flat for herself. she got colder and when i would write her something she would just respond " i look forward seeing u ". her warmth and nice sweet texts saying she missed me all disappeared. she got ratty with me and still didnt make time to skype. i even asked her what is going on with us , i feel like its changed and you are distant with me and dont talk as much. she replied " really? im busy. no time to write. i look forward seeing u in london" and when i responded to that saying yes we barely talk like we used to she then snapped at me saying "What DO YOU WANT from me?!!!" when i asked her are we meant to write to each other every day or? she replied i dont know. like she didnt really care. as i was confused we were going from writing to each other every day to nothing really. i wanted to know what her expectations were and i didnt want to message her every day hassling her. can a girl help me understamd that mindset? maybe she saw a new pic of me on facebook that was ugly...? maybe she was not serious about me ever? even the weekend she was moving out and we had originally made plans to meet in berlin she could have invited me to her moving out weekend as she had a party. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 She could not possibly have been "serious" about you! You had never met! She was having fun. She probably thought you were doing the same. Nothing "serious". Link to comment
lamo Posted July 12, 2019 Author Share Posted July 12, 2019 She could not possibly have been "serious" about you! You had never met! She was having fun. She probably thought you were doing the same. Nothing "serious". i understand what you are saying but she was saying things like i want us to work and i have feelings for you. and i want you to come.visit me when i move into ky one bed flat. even when i said "you might not like me when you see me" she replied " dont be silly. i promise you i will like you" Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 i understand what you are saying but she was saying things like i want us to work and i have feelings for you. and i want you to come.visit me when i move into ky one bed flat. even when i said "you might not like me when you see me" she replied " dont be silly. i promise you i will like you" Yes. Words. Watch the feet -what the person does -not the lips -and watch the feet after you meet in person. Not before unless the actions are making a plan to meet. Then you can expect if there is a time and place that a person will show up at the place at that time. No other expectations. Link to comment
lamo Posted July 12, 2019 Author Share Posted July 12, 2019 Yes. Words. Watch the feet -what the person does -not the lips -and watch the feet after you meet in person. Not before unless the actions are making a plan to meet. Then you can expect if there is a time and place that a person will show up at the place at that time. No other expectations. hey do you think i could send u a copy of our convos? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 hey do you think i could send u a copy of our convos? No please don't - and as I wrote what she typed to you to me would have no relevance to whether she was interested in dating you. To me interest in dating is if after you meet in person the person wants to go on a date with you. What she typed to you would be relevant to her interest in perhaps having a chat buddy or flirting with a stranger online, or perhaps wanting to be platonic friends/penpals. You are asking about romantic interest based on what she typed to you. Link to comment
lamo Posted July 12, 2019 Author Share Posted July 12, 2019 No please don't - and as I wrote what she typed to you to me would have no relevance to whether she was interested in dating you. To me interest in dating is if after you meet in person the person wants to go on a date with you. What she typed to you would be relevant to her interest in perhaps having a chat buddy or flirting with a stranger online, or perhaps wanting to be platonic friends/penpals. You are asking about romantic interest based on what she typed to you. thank you for your response. i have read lots of stories of people doing what iv done in forums. a lot of people who meet for the first time iv read that they are already calling them significant others. and they are meeting by themseleves and not with a friend. and they have talked about sex beforehand and staying with each other . this was obviously not like that lol Link to comment
saluk Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 the thing i dont understand is at the beginning we were talking a lot. i didnt know she liked me until we were talking evevry day and she was saying romantic things about amazing i am and we were talking about past exes and how this would be the first time trying a long distance. she was like it can work with the right people. at the beginning she would initiate and id ask her flirty sexual stuff like " i cant wait to kiss you" etc and she would respond " you will have to wait and see in a few weeks if you want to". she would say she wants to dance with me and no other girl to dance with me in the club when we meet etc. something went wrong with her towards me 2 weeks before she flew in amd it cant be just cos she was busy moving to a one bed flat for herself. she got colder and when i would write her something she would just respond " i look forward seeing u ". her warmth and nice sweet texts saying she missed me all disappeared. she got ratty with me and still didnt make time to skype. i even asked her what is going on with us , i feel like its changed and you are distant with me and dont talk as much. she replied " really? im busy. no time to write. i look forward seeing u in london" and when i responded to that saying yes we barely talk like we used to she then snapped at me saying "What DO YOU WANT from me?!!!" when i asked her are we meant to write to each other every day or? she replied i dont know. like she didnt really care. as i was confused we were going from writing to each other every day to nothing really. i wanted to know what her expectations were and i didnt want to message her every day hassling her. can a girl help me understamd that mindset? maybe she saw a new pic of me on facebook that was ugly...? maybe she was not serious about me ever? even the weekend she was moving out and we had originally made plans to meet in berlin she could have invited me to her moving out weekend as she had a party. This is a pretty standard arc for encounters that don't lead to a relationship: 1. meet 2. express interest too loudly 3. sudden cooling period The same story happens in person, but online there is even less visibility and so your level of trust should be much lower. Nah, she didn't find some other ugly picture of you. Stop trying to figure out what you did to turn her off. Either: She thought she was into you because you were a chatbox, or she was just having a bit of fun at your expense. In either case the fun wore off because fake relationships get old. Why would you take a stranger at their word when they say something like "I want you to dance with only me at the club". She doesn't even know you at that point! How does she know she'll even like dancing with you? It's ludicrous. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 12, 2019 Share Posted July 12, 2019 thank you for your response. i have read lots of stories of people doing what iv done in forums. a lot of people who meet for the first time iv read that they are already calling them significant others. and they are meeting by themseleves and not with a friend. and they have talked about sex beforehand and staying with each other . this was obviously not like that lol Of course -many people meet through on line sites. I met many great people that way, several of my friends met their spouses that way. My point is different -until you meet in person it's not a romantic relationship, until you meet in person typed words should trigger zero expectations of romantic interest or chemistry or compatibility for a romantic relationship (no, not because of looks -looks matter but that's the least of the reasons, to me). Many married people have sex the first time they meet ,too. I was referring to your expectations based on typed words as being unrealistic with respect to whether you two would ever go on a date much less have a romantic relationship with each other. That is why the typed word or typed conversations you had before meeting in person have no relevance to me as to whether she had a romantic interest in you of the type for an in person relationship. We've all had crushes on people we've never met/will never meet/might never meet. That to me has nothing to do with romantic relationships which to me can only happen if you meet and date/spend time together in person. Certainly people can be interested in having sex with someone they've never met, someone can be in love with a flower, too. Feelings are feelings. Feelings for someone that translate into a romantic relationship require in person contact. I'm not referring to interest in just meeting up to have intercourse -plenty of people meet people like that through on line apps. To me that purpose is not the same as meeting to see if you two should date. Link to comment
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