Over-Communication

[Goodfellas]

I'm not sure if someone else commented about you both growing apart. If you're responding to my comment about growing individually as people I think you've misunderstood my comment. It's important for two people to grow as individuals and have separate likes and dislikes, interests and hobbies.

 

Thanks for clarifying as that is what I thought you meant. We’re visiting my parents this weekend so we’ll have four hours in a car where I can broach this subject.

[abitbroken]

I get what you're suggesting abit, but effective communication is key here.

 

Not just say "let's not text anymore" but discuss the pros and cons of maintaining that pace and how it's impacting your relationship. Honestly and openly.

 

My bf and I did and came to a mutual understanding about it.

 

He was guilty of it as much as I, but it became too much.

 

Had he chosen to just arbitrarily cut back and changed his style without communicating about it, I would have assumed he was losing interest and pulled back myself, not in a good way.

 

Well -- it can be approached as a gentle nudge "hey, i have an idea -- why don't i call you at lunch instead of texting you all day? I love hearing your voice==" or simply doing it vs it being more of a "TALK" about the relationship "honey, i want to maintain a certain pace in this relationship and pace of communication..." sounds like "i need space. Our relationship is stagnating. You need to find a hobby so i am not bored with you"

[katrina1980]

Yeah that would definitely work!

 

When my bf and I discussed, it wasn't this big heavy "talk" - I actually dislike such talks and find them ineffective.

 

But we did discuss it in a light, non-hurtful way versus him (or I) choosing to pull back without explaining, which after nearly a year of a certain texting style and routine, I cannot imagine would have gone down well for either of us.

 

And as a result of communicating about it, our relationship is stronger, fresher and even exciting!

 

I miss him, and look forward to talking to him and seeing him!

 

Which I will be doing tonight!! :D

[abitbroken]

Yeah that would definitely work!

 

When my bf and I discussed, it wasn't this big heavy "talk" - I actually dislike such talks and find them ineffective.

 

But we did discuss it in a light, non-hurtful way versus him (or I) choosing to pull back without explaining, which after nearly a year of a certain texting style and routine, I cannot imagine would have gone down well for either of us.

 

And as a result of communicating about it, our relationship is stronger, fresher and even exciting!

 

I miss him, and look forward to talking to him and seeing him!

 

Which I will be doing tonight!! :D

 

WHen he mentioned the long car ride would give them a chance to talk -- that's what led me to clarify. having a "talk" on a four hour car ride smells unpleasant stink bomb.

4 hour car ride? Bring CDs of music that you liked as a teen that you were embarrassed to like to have some laughs because she doesn't know you liked it. Bring a book on tape, etc. Whatever you do, don't have a big "talk"

[katrina1980]

WHen he mentioned the long car ride would give them a chance to talk -- that's what led me to clarify. having a "talk" on a four hour car ride smells unpleasant stink bomb.

4 hour car ride? Bring CDs of music that you liked as a teen that you were embarrassed to like to have some laughs because she doesn't know you liked it. Bring a book on tape, etc. Whatever you do, don't have a big "talk"

 

Abit, we are on the exact same page about that! I thought the same thing!

 

Long drive, please, no heavy "relationship" talk, make it fun!

 

And lol @ "unpleasant stink bomb" -- well said. :)

[abitbroken]

Abit, we are on the exact same page about that! I thought the same thing!

 

Long drive, please, no heavy "relationship" talk, make it fun!

 

And lol @ "unpleasant stink bomb" -- well said. :)

 

YES. EXACTLY. "four hours. woohoo - we will finally have time to hash out what is on our wish list for places during our European trip" - that would be a yes. But "we need to talk about the pace and flow of our relationship" -- i would think that's when in a movie one person would tell the other person to walk the rest of the way lol.

[Goodfellas]

Okay, point taken—not going to bring it up on long roadie. I will at some point in next week though.

 

We just got off our usual pre-bed phone call and it was actually great. It was 45 minutes with only one lull. The convo flowed well and we laughed, made plans for my hometown visit this weekend. 😊

[abitbroken]

Okay, point taken—not going to bring it up on long roadie. I will at some point in next week though.

 

 

You didn't get the point if you STILL are going to bring it up -- unless you will bring it up gently i.e. "I prefer hearing your voice over texting. How about we do a quick call at lunch" vs "let's talk about the flow and pace of our relationship.

[j.man]

I agree very much with abitbroken. First off, all this texting while you two are working, nightly phone calls lacking substance.... even though novelty does naturally wane a bit over time, you guys are actually making an effort to double down on the monotony. To reiterate my perspective, I think it's strange, particularly if she's the driving force behind it, but I can't blame her too much if 1.5 years have gone by and you two haven't sufficiently made an effort to start physically integrating each other into your lives. When you're only reliably seeing each other weekends, you really don't have much else to run on. Keep this going another year and you'll start having time served as a sole terrible excuse to skip 1,001 steps you should have been taking between now and dropping to a knee in front of her.

 

I actually agree a bit with katarina in now that this is the standard, it can be awkward pulling back unannounced. It's a big reason I never so much as hint I'm a fan of SMS convos. But in your case, it's why putting in an effort elsewhere while pulling back when it comes to more droning behaviors would likely get you pretty far, and honestly much more substantively. But while I'd probably lay off the phone a bit and let her do as she pleases on her end, if you feel the only course of action is a chat, make it brief, kick the drama, and go with something akin or identical to what IAG suggested.

[Goodfellas]

I hear (read?) you all loud and clear. Don’t make it “a chat” and don’t lessen comms unannounced. I will find a happy medium.

[abitbroken]

I hear (read?) you all loud and clear. Don’t make it “a chat” and don’t lessen comms unannounced. I will find a happy medium.

 

But don't "announce" it. Just initiate an alternative. its okay once in awhile to be in a meeting and not respond right away, though!

[Jibralta]

I’ve also noticed she doesn’t really listen as she asks same questions twice and I’m guilty too as I’m playing on my phone half listening to her. Rinse and repeat each night before bed.

 

I want to suggest communicating less – either texting less throughout the day or talking every other night – in an effort keep things fresh. My fear is we’re becoming boring and predictable but I don’t want her to see my request for less communication as I’m losing interest in her.

 

Can anyone shed some light on this please?

 

Thanks in advance!

 

Just today, I called my boyfriend on my way home from work and he asked how my day was.

 

I said, "It was really busy, but good. How was your day?"

 

He said, "It was fine," and elaborated on a couple of things that had happened during his day.

 

Then he asked, "How was your day?"

 

I said, "It was as busy as it was when I told you a minute ago. HOW WAS YOUR DAY?" And we both laughed.

 

That sort of thing happens to us all the time. It doesn't mean anything but that we're boring and predictable in this one way. Our relationship is great despite it. We've been together now for almost seven years.

 

Personally, I don't think it's necessary to reduce communication over this. It's a small issue. The relationship should be able to survive a little boredom and predictability here and there. Why postpone the inevitable?

[Goodfellas]

Haha Jibralta that was good. Thanks for sharing that anecdote and putting a positive spin on it!

[maew]

Such great advice here so far OP... what I would add (if it hasn’t been said, I didn’t read all the posts) is that if you want more interesting answers, stop asking boring and predictable questions (eg how was your day) and ask ones that provoke thought and conversation. Listen to what she is saying and dive into a topic with her. Talk about a topic you are both passionate about instead of work. Share YOUR deep thoughts on something and ask her what she thinks. You don’t need to tell her she is giving boring answers just do your part to make them more interesting.