I'm an ugly person and getting a date is proving impossible.

[Kantriakhor]

Bingo.

 

He could be told he isn't ugly till the cows come home. He could be given the most brilliant tips, they’re all gonna go over his head because the issues he’s facing a far deeper than that.

 

Traumas a b*tch...

 

I have a strong feeling him being able to counter tips is self soothing for him but it’s very unhealthy and if he has a good counselor he or she most likely is not going down the rabbit with him which is why I think he’s here.

 

K-

 

I mentioned maybe trying to ground your yourself Instead of thinking obsessively about things you cannot change think about what you can’t change. can you give me one example of something you can do to improve your current situation? I asked earlier but did not get a response.

 

I’m currently in therapy and do spin 3x a week

[milly007]

But how long have you been in therapy?

 

Asked this before, but maybe you missed it: Do you find your therapist helpful?

[Kantriakhor]

But how long have you been in therapy?

 

Asked this before, but maybe you missed it: Do you find your therapist helpful?

I’ve had different ones for about 16 years.

 

I tend to feel frustrated more than anything though I acknowledge the fault is mine and mine alone.

 

There is some improvement, as I said, when I was younger I used to actively look for and destroy any photos of me.

[abitbroken]

Thank you for your opinion but I can’t believe you.

 

Boom.

 

I suspect this will go on for 20 pages and the conclusion will be the same.

I am not even going to waste any more of my time and fistfight the OP into thinking that they are not quasimodo....... except to say the OP is very attention seeking, methinks, and professional help is in order. Going to therapy and switching therapists every year does not help you into the deep dive you need. You probably know what kind of specialiist you need, but don't really want to get better

[Kantriakhor]

Boom.

 

I suspect this will go on for 20 pages and the conclusion will be the same.

I am not even going to waste any more of my time and fistfight the OP into thinking that they are not quasimodo....... except to say the OP is very attention seeking, methinks, and professional help is in order. Going to therapy and switching therapists every year does not help you into the deep dive you need. You probably know what kind of specialiist you need, but don't really want to get better

 

I’m not trying to be argumentative, the item you quoted was taken a bit out of context when someone said I wasn’t ugly without seeing the picture.

 

I’ve been with my current one for 4 years.

 

If you have a suggestion as to a type of specialist, I’m open to hearing it

[Kantriakhor]

Boom.

 

I suspect this will go on for 20 pages and the conclusion will be the same.

I am not even going to waste any more of my time and fistfight the OP into thinking that they are not quasimodo....... except to say the OP is very attention seeking, methinks, and professional help is in order. Going to therapy and switching therapists every year does not help you into the deep dive you need. You probably know what kind of specialiist you need, but don't really want to get better

 

I’m not trying to be argumentative, the item you quoted was taken a bit out of context when someone said I wasn’t ugly without seeing the picture.

 

I’ve been with my current one for 4 years.

 

If you have a suggestion as to a type of specialist, I’m open to hearing it.

[milly007]

Agree with the others that you need intensive therapy, Kantriakhor.

 

But also in addition to you putting in the effort on your own time to work on yourself.

 

These issues are way above our ENA heads.

[Kantriakhor]

Also, I would like to improve if that’s possible or find ways to cope if it’s not.

[milly007]

Deleted...

[Kantriakhor]

My apologies if I’m causing any frustrations, I don’t mean to.

[goddess]

What's baffling about OP's situation is that, judging from the pics on the FB link he attached , he is actually quite attractive. And I don't toss that word around lightly.

 

He looks to be early to mid 30s, so not too old by any stretch of the imagination.

 

However, since he believes he resembles his rapist from when he was younger, his issues run far deeper than physical looks.

 

He has not healed from that experience, views his rapist as "ugly" (understandably), and therefore himself ugly.

 

He needs intensive therapy imo.

 

Yes, this: "He has not healed from that experience, views his rapist as "ugly" (understandably), and therefore himself ugly." This is the crux of the problem. You hit the nail on the head, Katrina.

 

OP, don't give up on yourself. Continue therapy. I cannot begin to imagine the horrors you went through. I hope that one day you will resolve your issues and find peace and happiness.

[Kantriakhor]

What’s the point of sitting around and waiting when most are no longer taking that route and are instead on dating websites? You’re already at a disadvantage.

 

I am currently on 5 dating sites. Generally I don’t get replies. The times I do, only twice did a date become established. I was stood up once and walked out on the second.

[Kantriakhor]

Yes, this: "He has not healed from that experience, views his rapist as "ugly" (understandably), and therefore himself ugly." This is the crux of the problem. You hit the nail on the head, Katrina.

 

OP, don't give up on yourself. Continue therapy. I cannot begin to imagine the horrors you went through. I hope that one day you will resolve your issues and find peace and happiness.

Honestly, part of me is glad for it because it taught me thoroughly how to never treat other people. Thank you for the sentiment and sorry if I was at all aggravating.

[figureitout23]

I am currently on 5 dating sites. Generally I don’t get replies. The times I do, only twice did a date become established. I was stood up once and walked out on the second.

 

The fact that of everything I said you quoted something completely out of context to give you the ability to counter is all I needed to know without a shadow of doubt you are trolling for things to counter.

 

I’m not saying you’re a troll, please don’t report me, what I mean is you want people to tell you, you aren’t ugly you want people to give you tips etc so you can counter them, it’s doing something for you, I’m guessing soothing you but as many have said, we aren’t even kinda equipped to know what’s going on in your head.

 

I’m so sorry you went through everything that you did I truly am, but you are harming yourself with your thoughts.

 

I’ve already asked twice now so I’ll ask a third - You’ve named everything out of your control, can you name one thing in your control you could do to help your situation?

 

You are purposefully staying in a negative mindset. What does your therapist think about all this?

[Kantriakhor]

The fact that of everything I said you quoted something completely out of context to give you the ability to counter is all I needed to know without a shadow of doubt you are trolling for things to counter.

 

I’m not saying you’re a troll, please don’t report me, what I mean is you want people to tell you, you aren’t ugly you want people to give you tips etc so you can counter them, it’s doing something for you, I’m guessing soothing you but as many have said, we aren’t even kinda equipped to know what’s going on in your head.

 

I’m so sorry you went through everything that you did I truly am, but you are harming yourself with your thoughts.

 

I’ve already asked twice now so I’ll ask a third - You’ve named everything out of your control, can you name one thing in your control you could do to help your situation?

 

You are purposefully staying in a negative mindset. What does your therapist think about all this?

 

I only quoted that part because I thought I answered the rest and missed that part, sorry, I’m not trying to be difficult.

 

I wasn’t fishing for compliments about my appearance, honest.

 

I thought I already said spin class to hopefully better my appearance... is that not what you meant?

[milly007]

Also, I would like to improve if that’s possible or find ways to cope if it’s not.

 

Isn’t your therapist helping with this?

[goddess]

Honestly, part of me is glad for it because it taught me thoroughly how to never treat other people. Thank you for the sentiment and sorry if I was at all aggravating.

 

Please, no apologies are needed. You were not aggravating at all, IMHO. I just hope that talking with us here helped you in some way(s).

 

Guess I understand why you say that part of you is glad, etc but you paid too high a price. Sending you hugs.

[Kantriakhor]

Isn’t your therapist helping with this?

 

Gradually, I’m no longer actively suicidal, after losing my friends (was told I wasn’t fun to be around if I was only going to be a spectator and not a participant in their lives) I’ve now gained a couple though I do still deeply mourn those lost ones. On the whole, yes, some progress is being made.

[figureitout23]

I only quoted that part because I thought I answered the rest and missed that part, sorry, I’m not trying to be difficult.

 

I wasn’t fishing for compliments about my appearance, honest.

 

I thought I already said spin class to hopefully better my appearance... is that not what you meant?

 

With the quote? no, it was taken out of context...

 

I fully believe you are not attempting to be difficult I also do not think you are fishing for compliments. I think you negating us is fulfilling something in you.

[JA0371]

Your post is full of reasons no one would date you, and I don’t even know what the hell you look like!, your attitude in itself is ugly. Come back when you’re done with the pity party!!!

[abitbroken]

Gradually, I’m no longer actively suicidal, after losing my friends (was told I wasn’t fun to be around if I was only going to be a spectator and not a participant in their lives) I’ve now gained a couple though I do still deeply mourn those lost ones. On the whole, yes, some progress is being made.

 

Well.. if you always complain that you are ugly***, not dateable and you even said you were actively suicidal at one point - you would NOT be fun to be around. I really can't fault them. I have had friends that went through tough times and i was there for them and they were there for me during my tough times, but when its not just a period of time -- but seems the person never progresses out of it and they feel they are not worthwhile - its hard to be the caretaker of the friendship forever

 

** very traditionally unattractive people have friends. Looks have nothing to do with gaining or maintaining friendships -- always running a narrative that you are awful repels friends

[Kantriakhor]

Well.. if you always complain that you are ugly***, not dateable and you even said you were actively suicidal at one point - you would NOT be fun to be around. I really can't fault them. I have had friends that went through tough times and i was there for them and they were there for me during my tough times, but when its not just a period of time -- but seems the person never progresses out of it and they feel they are not worthwhile - its hard to be the caretaker of the friendship forever

 

** very traditionally unattractive people have friends. Looks have nothing to do with gaining or maintaining friendships -- always running a narrative that you are awful repels friends

 

I mostly keep the opinions about myself to myself now to avoid losing the friends I’ve made since. You are correct. I do wish I could get those old friendships back, make up somehow, but that sort of thinking is probably the same as the rest of my thinking.

 

Moving beyond the things that happened is difficult because every time I see my face, I see him and it makes it all feel new again. If that makes sense.

[Kantriakhor]

Your post is full of reasons no one would date you, and I don’t even know what the hell you look like!, your attitude in itself is ugly. Come back when you’re done with the pity party!!!

 

I understand, I don’t mean to sound pitying, sorry if I do. I’d like to think sometimes that my positive traits may be seen despite my negative ones

[katrina1980]

I understand, I don’t mean to sound pitying, sorry if I do. I’d like to think sometimes that my positive traits may be seen despite my negative ones

 

It's your "energy" Kantriak, the energy you project to the outside world.

 

You may try hard to hide the internal negativity you feel about yourself, but it's still there, festering within, and it's reflected in the energy you project to others, including women.

 

One's energy trumps everything else imo, looks, job, career, accomplishments, everything.

 

Our energy is the most important asset we have!

 

If it's negative like yours, you will attract negativity, negative experiences.

 

If it's positive, you will attract positive experiences.

 

You may need a new therapist, the one you have been seeing apparently isn't up to the challenge, or just not knowledgable enough to help you effectively.

[Kantriakhor]

It's your "energy" Kantriak, the energy you project to the outside world.

 

You may try hard to hide the internal negativity you feel about yourself, but it's still there, festering within, and it's reflected in the energy you project to others, including women.

 

One's energy trumps everything else imo, looks, job, career, accomplishments, everything.

 

Our energy is the most important asset we have!

 

If it's negative like yours, you will attract negativity, negative experiences.

 

If it's positive, you will attract positive experiences.

 

You may need a new therapist, the one you have been seeing apparently isn't up to the challenge, or just not knowledgable enough to help you effectively.

Maybe I need to.

 

The energy thing I still don’t understand, I’m not disagreeing, it’s jsut something I can’t wrap my head around (another example being success coming to optimists)