I'm an ugly person and getting a date is proving impossible.

[figureitout23]

Why? Are people who self-loathe automatically excluded from dating and romance and love? Abusers and criminals of the worst sort all can acquire these.

 

Edit: I do attend therapy weekly, I no longer want to destroy myself but still think I've missed any sort of window.

 

No one made a rule that you can’t date YOU made the decision on your own due to your self loathing.

 

Get it right, strangers on the internet are not the reason you aren’t dating.

 

Your self loathing is harming you and causing you to victimize yourself and not see reality.

 

Sex for example. You were in an abusive relationship for 10 years how does that bring you to the conclusion you have no sexual expierience? Was it abusive as in you stated with someone for 10 years who never had sex with you? We’re you raped? Please clarify.

 

We clearly are not comprehending the gravity of what you are trying to convey so please explain it.

 

The reason you are getting the responses you are is because all that is being expressed to us is a ‘my life sucks’ complaint

[smackie9]

I promise that I’m not trying to be reassured that I’m somehow less ugly than I really am.

 

I’m wishing to understand the beliefs I initially outlined about why people believe “it happens when you least expect it” “be positive” etc etc. I don’t see the correlation.

 

This won't work if you are negative with yourself. Those prospective people feel your sad vibe, won't go near you. This is on you and your attitude. I did an experiment one day to prove my point. I made sure I was wearing sweat pants and a hoodie with my hair up, very little makeup on. Nothing fancy. I went grocery shopping, basket in hand. I walked with confidence, smile on my face, greeted everyone I saw. I tell ya I had guys following me in the store. One very very shy fellow managed to say hello to me before dashing off. The moral of the story is, you smile and have a positive vibe in order to make yourself "approachable".

[figureitout23]

I honestly don’t. Are vibes an actual thing that can be measured? I know about body language and monitor my own to exist when out and about and make sure my conversations stay away from what I think of myself.

 

Edit: per your edit, I wish I could get to the point of acquiring a date but I feel as though I missed the boat. No one is going to think “oh what a catch, he’s ugly and hasn’t had intimate contact in over a decade”. Sorry about your divorce and thank you for sharing, I hear stories about that but can’t grasp how it can possibly happen.

 

A hard reality entitled... typically men... seem to overlook is no one on this planet is entitled to date, you aren’t entitled to a girlfriend or wife or sex, it’s all perks of being alive.

 

I agree with you it doesn’t ‘just happen’ never happened for me at least. A mans never come into my living room while I’m eating a bag of Cheetos and proclaimed “ you! You shall be my wife! “ it’s a turn of phrase, it’s sometrhing soothing to say, but for many it doesn’t happen like that, doesn’t mean it can’t, just means this idea you are fixating on is simply an excuse you are giving and not your real issue. What’s the point of sitting around and waiting when most are no longer taking that route and are instead on dating websites? You’re already at a disadvantage.

 

Ugly is subjective, but I will say people I think are ugly seem to find each other marry and procreate just fine, too often actually and then I have to pretend their ugly baby is cute... I’m being tongue and cheek obviously my point is you are indeed your own worst enemy ugly people date pretty people date everyone dates, it’s a choice.

[Kantriakhor]

No one made a rule that you can’t date YOU made the decision on your own due to your self loathing.

 

Get it right, strangers on the internet are not the reason you aren’t dating.

 

Your self loathing is harming you and causing you to victimize yourself and not see reality.

 

Sex for example. You were in an abusive relationship for 10 years how does that bring you to the conclusion you have no sexual expierience? Was it abusive as in you stated with someone for 10 years who never had sex with you? We’re you raped? Please clarify.

 

We clearly are not comprehending the gravity of what you are trying to convey so please explain it.

 

The reason you are getting the responses you are is because all that is being expressed to us is a ‘my life sucks’ complaint

 

I was molested by my father for around 8 years or so than, about 10 years later, was in my only relationship where we tried the sex thing four times. She didn’t like how long it took for me to get in and stay in the mood. This eventually led to her being sexually violent towards me the other 3 times. After that, it was expected that I would get her off via oral or with a digit. I was to remain clothed because of how hideous I am. When she was done, she’d task me with something else like helping her create lesson plans or bringing her someplace.

 

Edit: I also am not saying people on the internet are to blame for my being undateable. I was asking for clarification on their response.

[figureitout23]

I was molested by my father for around 8 years or so than, about 10 years later, was in my only relationship where we tried the sex thing four times. She didn’t like how long it took for me to get in and stay in the mood. This eventually led to her being sexually violent towards me the other 3 times. After that, it was expected that I would get her off via oral or with a digit. I was to remain clothed because of how hideous I am. When she was done, she’d task me with something else like helping her create lesson plans or bringing her someplace.

 

I see.

 

This is an entirely different animal.

 

You are going to have to be responsible for your healing.

 

I don’t see how you even think you can date right now.

 

I also think your mindset of I can’t date because I’m ugly is a diversion you created within yourself so you don’t have to face the facts that once you have a date you would have to face your sexual issues.

 

So you create a roadblock. It’s not your fault, it’s everyone else’s.

 

Who told you it’ll happen when it happens? Your therapist? Serious question. I’m teuing to figure out what about this phrase has you fixated.

[Kantriakhor]

A hard reality entitled... typically men... seem to overlook is no one on this planet is entitled to date, you aren’t entitled to a girlfriend or wife or sex, it’s all perks of being alive.

 

I agree with you it doesn’t ‘just happen’ never happened for me at least. A mans never come into my living room while I’m eating a bag of Cheetos and proclaimed “ you! You shall be my wife! “ it’s a turn of phrase, it’s sometrhing soothing to say, but for many it doesn’t happen like that, doesn’t mean it can’t, just means this idea you are fixating on is simply an excuse you are giving and not your real issue. What’s the point of sitting around and waiting when most are no longer taking that route and are instead on dating websites? You’re already at a disadvantage.

 

Ugly is subjective, but I will say people I think are ugly seem to find each other marry and procreate just fine, too often actually and then I have to pretend their ugly baby is cute... I’m being tongue and cheek obviously my point is you are indeed your own worst enemy ugly people date pretty people date everyone dates, it’s a choice.

For the record, I don’t think I’m entitled to anything. No one owes me affection.

[figureitout23]

For the record, I don’t think I’m entitled to anything. No one owes me affection.

 

Agree.

 

I’m glad you do too.

 

What would you say was the end result of you posting.

 

Serious question.

[Kantriakhor]

I see.

 

This is an entirely different animal.

 

You are going to have to be responsible for your healing.

 

I don’t see how you even think you can date right now.

 

I also think your mindset of I can’t date because I’m ugly is a diversion you created within yourself so you don’t have to face the facts that once you have a date you would have to face your sexual issues.

 

So you create a roadblock. It’s not your fault, it’s everyone else’s.

 

Who told you it’ll happen when it happens? Your therapist? Serious question. I’m teuing to figure out what about this phrase has you fixated.

 

I’m very aware that even if some woman would be interested for whatever reason (maybe blind) in me, my sexual inexperience will surely be another dealbreaker.

 

I don’t expect myself to ever have a relationship again, I think if I were a decade under, my then-peers in the dating pool would be more likely to understand my slow up-take on things like sexuality. But now? It feels I’m out of time and I suppose I’m trying to just reconcile that and accept it.l while trying to understand how it works for other people.

 

The “it’ll happen and it happens” is something my friends have parroted to me for a few years now, since the final break up (she dumped me 8 times and wanted me back each time, I finally didn’t the 8th time, 10 years too late)

 

My therapist says I need to focus on just me, but when you look like your first rapist, it’s difficult.

 

I don’t think it’s everyone else’s problem. My being grotesque isn’t something potential dates caused nor is any of my issues their fault.

[Kantriakhor]

Agree.

 

I’m glad you do too.

 

What would you say was the end result of you posting.

 

Serious question.

 

What do you mean?

[figureitout23]

I’m very aware that even if some woman would be interested for whatever reason (maybe blind) in me, my sexual inexperience will surely be another dealbreaker.

 

I don’t expect myself to ever have a relationship again, I think if I were a decade under, my then-peers in the dating pool would be more likely to understand my slow up-take on things like sexuality. But now? It feels I’m out of time and I suppose I’m trying to just reconcile that and accept it.l while trying to understand how it works for other people.

 

The “it’ll happen and it happens” is something my friends have parroted to me for a few years now, since the final break up (she dumped me 8 times and wanted me back each time, I finally didn’t the 8th time, 10 years too late)

 

My therapist says I need to focus on just me, but when you look like your first rapist, it’s difficult.

 

Ah, I think we’re getting somewhere.

 

Does your therapist know your feelings about having a resemblance to your rapist?

 

Do you believe there is a correlation there?

 

No, it’ll happen when it happens is the worst thing you could believe, mainly because your sexual past that affected you along with your subsequent marriage has made sexual a very big issue you will need to work through before you could even think of dating in a healthy manner. Taking an active role in healing, which it sounds like you’re doing is going to help you reach your end goal.

 

Honestly, I’d first focus on just being around women in a friendly capacity. Get comfortable around us, continue therapy, see if/when your therapist wants to delve into your sexual issues and go from there, this is gonna be a marathon though.

 

There no need to reconcile how other people ‘do it’ as in dating. You aren’t other people, you are you. You have your own unique set of challenges to face, but as long as you set your eyes on the prize and recognize you will get there eventually you will be ok.

 

One day at a time.

[Kantriakhor]

Ah, I think we’re getting somewhere.

 

Does your therapist know your feelings about having a resemblance to your rapist?

 

Do you believe there is a correlation there?

 

No, it’ll happen when it happens is the worst thing you could believe, mainly because your sexual past that affected you along with your subsequent marriage has made sexual a very big issue you will need to work through before you could even think of dating in a healthy manner. Taking an active role in healing, which it sounds like you’re doing is going to help you reach your end goal.

 

Honestly, I’d first focus on just being around women in a friendly capacity. Get comfortable around us, continue therapy, see if/when your therapist wants to delve into your sexual issues and go from there, this is gonna be a marathon though.

 

There no need to reconcile how other people ‘do it’ as in dating. You aren’t other people, you are you. You have your own unique set of challenges to face, but as long as you set your eyes on the prize and recognize you will get there eventually you will be ok.

 

One day at a time.

 

Yes, it's been an impasse. When I was younger I destroyed every image of myself I could find. I still don't allow physical photos of myself to exist but I am not actively trying to destroy or delete them now.

 

99% of my friends are women, men annoy me on the whole.

 

I would say I'm less sexually-averse which probably increases the pressure and the feeling i've missed out on the window where signifcant others are forgiving of those still learning sexuality with others. If I was still sexually-averse, there'd be less pressure.

[goddess]

Your not ugly in the slightest!!! The way you were talking I was expecting hunchback or Notre damn, but agreeing with all the other posters, change your attitude and things will change.

 

"Your not ugly in the slightest!!!" See, told you!

[figureitout23]

Yes, it's been an impasse. When I was younger I destroyed every image of myself I could find. I still don't allow physical photos of myself to exist but I am not actively trying to destroy or delete them now.

 

99% of my friends are women, men annoy me on the whole.

 

I would say I'm less sexually-averse which probably increases the pressure and the feeling i've missed out on the window where signifcant others are forgiving of those still learning sexuality with others. If I was still sexually-averse, there'd be less pressure.

 

Sounds like even though you disagree with your friends assesment that it just happen you are living that way. “ If this was different well then I could do this “, none of it within your power. That’s what you’re convincing yourself. You can’t change your past or your age right? So why focus on it. Think about your answer to that. You CAN HEAL. You can get into a better headspace so why isn’t that your focus... things you actually can change, why focus on things completely unchangeable? I wonder if your therapist hasn’t tried to redirect this thought process and that’s why you’re on an advice forum, to get us to go down the rabbit hole since your counselor won’t. As someone else said. You’re working against your own wellbeing.

 

It’s unfair to subject any potential partner to your baggage. Will you ever be 100 ‘cured’ I don’t think anyone’s saying that but you can get to a better head space than you are.

 

Again getting a date is a self imposed issue you’ve created. The truth is you have no business dating right now anyway so why worry?

[Kantriakhor]

I worry because with every day that passes it becomes more and more difficult to believe it'll happen, another day older, another day behind on "catching up" which makes it even less likely. I do wish i could just accept the reality that I think will happen. If I was a decade younger or left the relationship the first time she struck me, i'd have the time, I think.

[figureitout23]

I worry because with every day that passes it becomes more and more difficult to believe it'll happen, another day older, another day behind on "catching up" which makes it even less likely. I do wish i could just accept the reality that I think will happen. If I was a decade younger or left the relationship the first time she struck me, i'd have the time, I think.

 

Like I said -

 

By doing this you get to ignore any hard work you’ll actually have to do. “ if I was younger, if my marriage didn’t happen it would all be ok.

 

I’m thinking more and more your counselor does not go down this rabbit hole with you which is why you’re on this site ruminating with us, or attempting to.

 

Why think about situations you aren’t even in the headspace to comprehend?

 

Just sit with your current reality. Not future, not what ifs, not why’s, the reality, tangible things, things you can control. Try to ground yourself.

 

What about your situation can you control.

[Camber 2019]

Maybe I'm out of line here... but...

 

I focus on personality. Let's say I have a really HOT waitress who is a bee-ach... I would think "Why would I want to even know this person"

Now, I have a waitress who is not attractive - physically, and she has a dy-no-mite personality... I would think " Wow, I'd like to ask her on a date!

[Camber 2019]

Oh.. I should emphasize this... I didn't limit this to hot woman who are bee-aches, I'm talking hot women who have a stale personality!

[goddess]

I worry because with every day that passes it becomes more and more difficult to believe it'll happen, another day older, another day behind on "catching up" which makes it even less likely. I do wish i could just accept the reality that I think will happen. If I was a decade younger or left the relationship the first time she struck me, i'd have the time, I think.

 

This is your downfall. STOP this behaviour and thinking quickly. STOP this useless worrying; it's counter productive to healing and moving forward. Do your best to concentrate on all the good that you have in your life. You said you have friends. That's awesome. Lucky you! All the mutual friends that I had turned their backs on me because of my divorce. How do you think I feel? It is what it is. I'll make new ones when the time is ready. You are only 31. So darn young, for crying out loud. Granted, you went through some awful times. That's in the past. Don't dwell on that.

 

Stop making yourself a victim and feeling sorry for yourself. Give yourself time to heal. I also am of the opinion that you should seek a different therapist who is better equipped with dealing with your specific issues . I know it's easier said than done but pick yourself up off the ground, dust yourself off and live life. Don't waste these precious years moping around. Lastly, stop with the "if" this, "if" that. Think of how fortunate you are to be healthy.

 

Final note: you are definitely not ugly. I wish that one day you will be how handsome you truly are. I wish you all the best, dear OP.

[Nickel Speed]

Can't score a date without confidence and you have 0 confidence.

 

The world doesn't owe you anything, and complaining won't get you anything.

 

Want some confidence? Get tired of being the way you are. Go hit the gym. Start eating healthy. Go pick up some hobbies and get good at them. Join a club. Etc. Take care of yourself first.

 

You really don't expect someone to date you if you are always this dang negative do you?

[boltnrun]

My brother in law is, um, not physically attractive. He actually strongly resembles a certain cartoon character.

 

He met his wife when he was 35. They have two children and a successful marriage.

 

31 is NOT "too late".

[katrina1980]

What's baffling about OP's situation is that, judging from the pics on the FB link he attached , he is actually quite attractive. And I don't toss that word around lightly.

 

He looks to be early to mid 30s, so not too old by any stretch of the imagination.

 

However, since he believes he resembles his rapist from when he was younger, his issues run far deeper than physical looks.

 

He has not healed from that experience, views his rapist as "ugly" (understandably), and therefore himself ugly.

 

He needs intensive therapy imo.

[milly007]

31 is young, and one day you will realize this.

 

What are you doing to work on your self-confidence, to feel better about yourself? Anything?

 

I saw your pic. You’re not ugly, at all!

 

Is your therapist helpful? If not, I’d maybe look into getting a new one.

 

Your attitude, mindset, the energy/vibe you give off will definitely impact women you meet and the type you attract.

 

Being confident in yourself and liking yourself are important when it comes to dating because people pick up on energy and naturally want to be around happy people, and people who like who they are.

 

FWIW, I’ve never been one to focus on a man’s looks. I definitely have a type and at the end of the day, regardless of how someone looks, it’s their personality and how I connect with them on an emotional level that gets my attention. A man who is genuinely happy, kind and unapologetically themselves is very attractive.

 

I’m interested in knowing what you’re doing to work on your self-confidence though...

 

You need a healthy mindset when entering the dating game.

[Kantriakhor]

31 is young, and one day you will realize this.

 

What are you doing to work on your self-confidence, to feel better about yourself? Anything?

 

I saw your pic. You’re not ugly, at all!

 

Is your therapist helpful? If not, I’d maybe look into getting a new one.

 

Your attitude, mindset, the energy/vibe you give off will definitely impact women you meet and the type you attract.

 

Being confident in yourself and liking yourself are important when it comes to dating because people pick up on energy and naturally want to be around happy people, and people who like who they are.

 

FWIW, I’ve never been one to focus on a man’s looks. I definitely have a type and at the end of the day, regardless of how someone looks, it’s their personality and how I connect with them on an emotional level that gets my attention. A man who is genuinely happy, kind and unapologetically themselves is very attractive.

 

I’m interested in knowing what you’re doing to work on your self-confidence though...

 

You need a healthy mindset when entering the dating game.

 

I do spin 3x a week, I don’t like to focus on anything that would give me a big head but hoping I’m less unattractive with these spin classes eventually

[figureitout23]

What's baffling about OP's situation is that, judging from the pics on the FB link he attached , he is actually quite attractive. And I don't toss that word around lightly.

 

He looks to be early to mid 30s, so not too old by any stretch of the imagination.

 

However, since he believes he resembles his rapist from when he was younger, his issues run far deeper than physical looks.

 

He has not healed from that experience, views his rapist as "ugly" (understandably), and therefore himself ugly.

 

He needs intensive therapy imo.

 

Bingo.

 

He could be told he isn't ugly till the cows come home. He could be given the most brilliant tips, they’re all gonna go over his head because the issues he’s facing a far deeper than that.

 

Traumas a b*tch...

 

I have a strong feeling him being able to counter tips is self soothing for him but it’s very unhealthy and if he has a good counselor he or she most likely is not going down the rabbit with him which is why I think he’s here.

 

K-

 

I mentioned maybe trying to ground your yourself Instead of thinking obsessively about things you cannot change think about what you can’t change. can you give me one example of something you can do to improve your current situation? I asked earlier but did not get a response.

[Betterwithout]

I believe there is someone for everyone.

 

Also, we all know people who have very attractive exteriors that have toxic horrible personalities, and much less attractive exteriors with wonderful warm personalities.

The latter are more common, and much more of a catch in the long run.

 

Please seek therapy, and relearn how to love yourself first. Once you reach that stage, you are then ready to date. If you continue without fixing your thoughts first, you will continue to run into dating issues, mostly because

your insecurities will speak volumes. NOT your physical attractiveness.