Previous Marriage of My Man and the Thorn in My Side Because of It!

[Starlight925]

he is not still married. He is not married to her. He never was married to her! She was not divorced from her husband when she married him! She's a bigamist and used him to gain US Citizenship for herself and her boys.

 

So their marriage in the U.S. was not legal? I'm a bit confused by this.

 

If she hid a marriage from another country, then that has absolutely nothing to do with U.S. immigration laws. So to go down the path of criticizing our immigration laws is at best, misplaced anger.

 

Yes, you are right to be concerned, and no, you are not wrong to want to be married. I'm close to your age range (I'm single), so I get your desire to want a lifetime partner. Sadly, I don't think this guy is it, for so many reasons.

 

The word "gold digger" has been passed around here, as has "Dirty John". You know what I think? I think there is some element of "gold digger" here, but on his end, not yours. You say that you are financially ok, and he obviously will have to share his assets, unless he can change his will. Do you think there's some truth to the fact that he has gotten so close to you in such a short time, given that you are financially in a good position? I'm honestly more worried about him taking advantage of you, than the other way around.

 

Being single is better than getting entangled in all this mess.

 

And no, this is not all on her. You can call her a bigamist, a liar, a 3-eyed elephant.....this is all on him. He "married" her. He adopted her sons. He added them to his will. He has not done anything to change this arrangement. You said there are some controlling elements there, that you can already see in such a short time. Please, I'm urging you, to reconsider this web.

[Seraphim]

Well, since I am younger than you I am hardly old. And sorry I have a happy successful life . I don’t like racism and I was raised by a mom who believes in the equality of all people . And nope I am not American.

[abitbroken]

nd finally, he is not still married. He is not married to her. He never was married to her! She was not divorced from her husband when she married him! She's a bigamist and used him to gain US Citizenship for herself and her boys. T

 

He and you can spin this however you want to, but people who are not married don't get divorces because they do not need one. if divorce was threatened, that means that somewhere in the eyes of the law they were considered married at some point and that was the case because the government would not have granted her the proper residency status if she was just "living together" and shacking up with him. you can decide she is the enemy but if they were married 10 years (or as you say "not married" but living as husband and wife in a government recognized union) they were still together 10 years common law. He would not have been able to adopt her children if they were not recognized as married. The law allows a spouse to adopt their non-biological kids but does not allow an unrelated individual adopt a child if parental rights for both parents have not been terminated. For example, i can't adopt a child where the mother has signed off her rights but the dad who has full custody to be their mother at random.

 

So however you want to pick your nits --- acknowledge that he WANTED this relationship also and he was complicit in bringing her to the USA and marrying her and adopting her kids. This did not happen by surprise to him. Maybe the undisolved marriage was but the rest of it was not.

 

I honestly think he is trying to cast himself as the poor, wronged man here - that was my ex's schtick. he was so hurt and wronged by exes that cheated, had mental illness, whatever and come to find out very little of it was true and the relationships broke down because of him. And in this case, he is giving the excuse of not divorcing because he is such a wonderful man for not reporting his wife for bigamy. I mean, that really jumps the shark and sounds like a huge whopper.

 

If you want a man on your arm as a plus one, fine, but he is not marriage material. he cannot get married if the government believes him to be married. If he has not been with her for years, there is a reason why he has not resolved the matter.

 

Keep in mind, he will have his sons in his life. if you are not okay with that, find someone available.

And keep in mind, there are plenty of people that have surly biological kids as well.

[Afireblue]

I've been reading all the various responses to my original post, and I guess it wasn't really the wisest thing to do to post something as complicated and perhaps as personal as my issue on this forum. Quite frankly the issue is much more complicated and deeper than can be explained here and I am in a lot of pain because of recent events, and it doesn't feel so great to have folks infer that I am a gold-digger (for example) (I have my own financial security). And I refer to this gentlemen as "My man" because I am in my 60's and he is older than I and at our ages I simply don't feel comfortable with "boyfriend' and "girlfriend" (one responder ridiculed my post for my reference to him as "My Man"), okay how about "Gentleman", is this better? The fact that we are discussing our future together as a married couple and we have been dating for just short of a year is the fact that we are up in years and I personally have been divorced for 40 years and I'm not interested in "playing house" with anyone. Yes, I do want to get married. What's wrong with that? I don't want to get married to just anyone. I'm perfectly okay with being single, but if I'm going to be with someone and in love, which is what we are (or maybe were), then I'm certainly not going to be shacking up after all these years that I've been alone. And finally, he is not still married. He is not married to her. He never was married to her! She was not divorced from her husband when she married him! She's a bigamist and used him to gain US Citizenship for herself and her boys. The whole reason I even posted any of this is because of the immigration issues our country has, which is many! It's amazing our crafty these folks are and can be to get to the United States. And yes, these men who go over there and get these women in my opinion are at fault as well, and I've been rethinking my entire position in being involved in this situation. It's starting to seem like a big hot mess and something I really don't need to be in. A few of you did post some helpful thoughts that validated many of the feelings and thoughts I had already been tossing around. Thank you for that! As far as the name-calling and the insults, I don't think that's necessary and certainty not useful. I'm beginning to think I may be dodging a great big bullet to get out of this situation. One of you mentioned his motives, and I had considered that as well. Sometimes it helps to hear someone else actually verbalize what you may be thinking. Sometimes he can be somewhat controlling and I often wonder if that's something that would escalate as time goes on. As always, there's usually more to a story than can be put into a short little post like this. It's going to hurt, in fact, it already is, but I know I'm going to have to get myself out of this relationship and I've kind of known it all along in little small ways here and there. Thanks everyone for your time.

 

The US immigration "issues" has nothing to do with a relationship forum and the fact that you keep referring to his previous family as "these folks" just makes you sound like a bigot and racist

[catfeeder]

I've been reading all the various responses to my original post, and I guess it wasn't really the wisest thing to do to post something as complicated and perhaps as personal as my issue on this forum. Quite frankly the issue is much more complicated and deeper than can be explained here and I am in a lot of pain because of recent events, and it doesn't feel so great to have folks infer that I am a gold-digger (for example) (I have my own financial security). And I refer to this gentlemen as "My man" because I am in my 60's and he is older than I and at our ages I simply don't feel comfortable with "boyfriend' and "girlfriend" (one responder ridiculed my post for my reference to him as "My Man"), okay how about "Gentleman", is this better? The fact that we are discussing our future together as a married couple and we have been dating for just short of a year is the fact that we are up in years and I personally have been divorced for 40 years and I'm not interested in "playing house" with anyone. Yes, I do want to get married. What's wrong with that? I don't want to get married to just anyone. I'm perfectly okay with being single, but if I'm going to be with someone and in love, which is what we are (or maybe were), then I'm certainly not going to be shacking up after all these years that I've been alone. And finally, he is not still married. He is not married to her. He never was married to her! She was not divorced from her husband when she married him! She's a bigamist and used him to gain US Citizenship for herself and her boys. The whole reason I even posted any of this is because of the immigration issues our country has, which is many! It's amazing our crafty these folks are and can be to get to the United States. And yes, these men who go over there and get these women in my opinion are at fault as well, and I've been rethinking my entire position in being involved in this situation. It's starting to seem like a big hot mess and something I really don't need to be in. A few of you did post some helpful thoughts that validated many of the feelings and thoughts I had already been tossing around. Thank you for that! As far as the name-calling and the insults, I don't think that's necessary and certainty not useful. I'm beginning to think I may be dodging a great big bullet to get out of this situation. One of you mentioned his motives, and I had considered that as well. Sometimes it helps to hear someone else actually verbalize what you may be thinking. Sometimes he can be somewhat controlling and I often wonder if that's something that would escalate as time goes on. As always, there's usually more to a story than can be put into a short little post like this. It's going to hurt, in fact, it already is, but I know I'm going to have to get myself out of this relationship and I've kind of known it all along in little small ways here and there. Thanks everyone for your time.

 

What, exactly is your question to us? Either his marriage in the US is legal or not. He's the one with the answer to that. Either he's willing to change his will, or not. He's the one with the answer to that. Asking a bunch of strangers to read a crystal ball about what, exactly, your problem is with this man makes no sense. Either you have good enough communication with the man who has proposed to you, or not. YOU are the one with the answer to that.