Girlfriend has Issues with my Parenting

[Rose Mosse]

I don't agree with the idea that certain people come first. Your daughter will always be a big part of your life but not validating just how equally important your girlfriend is in yours will eventually push her away or give her the impression that she will always come second which is counterproductive to rebuilding your life with someone new. Sorry, that's a basic fact. Your words or demeanour may be shooting you in the foot. I have a son from a previous relationship and I've married my husband(not the father of my son). Both of them have equally large parts of my lives and we are as much of a family as any. If you don't feel ready to let someone new into your life or award them the importance that they should get from you, this isn't the right time for you to date. This may be trial and error for you and a learning process. Your girlfriend doesn't deserve to be treated second best forever and she's slowly learning that that type of behaviour is acceptable. That's going to breed a lifetime of distrust and resentment.

 

If she's not the right woman for you regardless of how important or valuable you make her feel as part of your life, let her go. She should have a say in the way you parent, just as in anything else if she is a valued member of the family. I wouldn't trick yourself into believing otherwise if you are looking to sincerely rebuild your life. If you don't trust her in general in her ways, her values, her beliefs, be fair to the both of you and let her go.

[Batya33]

I don't agree with the idea that certain people come first. Your daughter will always be a big part of your life but not validating just how equally important your girlfriend is in yours will eventually push her away or give her the impression that she will always come second which is counterproductive to rebuilding your life with someone new. Sorry, that's a basic fact. Your words or demeanour may be shooting you in the foot. I have a son from a previous relationship and I've married my husband(not the father of my son). Both of them have equally large parts of my lives and we are as much of a family as any. If you don't feel ready to let someone new into your life or award them the importance that they should get from you, this isn't the right time for you to date. This may be trial and error for you and a learning process. Your girlfriend doesn't deserve to be treated second best forever and she's slowly learning that that type of behaviour is acceptable. That's going to breed a lifetime of distrust and resentment.

 

If she's not the right woman for you regardless of how important or valuable you make her feel as part of your life, let her go. She should have a say in the way you parent, just as in anything else if she is a valued member of the family. I wouldn't trick yourself into believing otherwise if you are looking to sincerely rebuild your life. If you don't trust her in general in her ways, her values, her beliefs, be fair to the both of you and let her go.

I agree and in this case he allowed his daughter to interact with her in a personal and intense way way too soon for his child's best interests -which are more important than a girlfriend's at this stage.

[Seraphim]

I don’t know, I didn’t allow adored family members tell me how to parent. Not even my mom. When I had a step dad when small he didn’t make critical decisions for us our mom did. He didn’t decide how close we were to our mom and if she did too much . My own spouse didn’t even decide that for our son and he is his biological father.

 

The way I see it millions and millions of opportunities for a partner ONE opportunity to be a mom.

[Rose Mosse]

I think the OP needs to figure out what kind of woman his girlfriend really is and go from there. Ie. make peace with certain aspects about her, work things out in the family or end the relationship.

[Seraphim]

I think end it is better. Resenting a kid doesn’t show maturity. My dad took up with women like that, direct child haters and openly resentful women. He only had us 2 days every two weeks when we lived in the same area as kids and he still managed to have those women around those two days. His fault I know but people who are jealous of a child’s connection to a parent need their head examined.

[abitbroken]

You say your daughter "always will come first"> WRONG.

If you were to marry her or any other woman, your wife would come first.

What people falsely believe is that when a spouse comes first, the child is left out in the cold WRONG.

The parent obviously does not choose a spouse that abuses the child -

but the spouses are the united fronts, the adults and the decision makers.

 

I think your girlfriend deserves date nights - regularly.

SHe deserves you to have one when the daughter is with her mother.

Or if a special event cannot be on those nights (a specific event like a concert) you get a babysittter or grandma/grandpa.

 

if you live in your house, i can see why the girlfriend feels that she is the spare wheel --

its the nation of two -- with an add-on (your girlfriend).

 

As far as giving your daughter cake or whatever -- when i was 10, my parents never asked me if i wanted cake -- i knew how to use the cake knife.

[Batya33]

You say your daughter "always will come first"> WRONG.

If you were to marry her or any other woman, your wife would come first.

What people falsely believe is that when a spouse comes first, the child is left out in the cold WRONG.

The parent obviously does not choose a spouse that abuses the child -

but the spouses are the united fronts, the adults and the decision makers.

 

I think your girlfriend deserves date nights - regularly.

SHe deserves you to have one when the daughter is with her mother.

Or if a special event cannot be on those nights (a specific event like a concert) you get a babysittter or grandma/grandpa.

 

if you live in your house, i can see why the girlfriend feels that she is the spare wheel --

its the nation of two -- with an add-on (your girlfriend).

 

As far as giving your daughter cake or whatever -- when i was 10, my parents never asked me if i wanted cake -- i knew how to use the cake knife.

 

I think every child and every parent is different and the child who is served cake at 10 may be perfectly able to do that and it's a thing that the parent likes to do for the child but maybe the child is responsible for making sure her homework is done while in other families the parent checks - so while individual experiences are relevant certainly a girlfriend who is not the child's mother or caregiver is mostly just getting a snapshot and shouldn't be giving unsolicited criticism unless there is real abuse going on. (And no I don't have my child serve himself treats or desserts and he is 10 - I prefer to have control for now so that we can limit desserts and treats. If it were his birthday and he wanted to cut a piece himself at this point, sure, but our bday ritual is he cuts the first slice and I serve our family and I wouldn't love being judged for that in any way, nor would I judge anyone.

 

I don't think the girlfriend should be living there while the child is also there. It's not fair to the child at this point and she is getting attached to a woman who likely won't be in her life within a year or less from now. I think it's important for children to see their parents -or the parent and his/her spouse -as a united front, and to see mutual respect - and it's a family unit. Before they are a family unit then the child doesn't come first but her best interests do come first - so that no, the girlfriend is not treated like a third wheel or without respect but given the choice between spending time with the child in a joint custody situation I think care should be taken not to hire a sitter too often rather than spend time with your child, in order to have a date night with a girlfriend who is not a parent or spouse. And we don't know what the custody arrangement is and whether it includes any limitations on who can care for the child other than the parent and how often. Certainly they can switch nights if it's more convenient for him to have time for a date on a particular night, if the mom is ok with that. I think at least one of my friends does that.

[Wiseman2]

This is not about your daughter or cake. This explains her resentment. She's an outsider and you are not offering what she wants in life. Therefore you are incompatible. It's about stringing this gf along. Be honest with yourself and her. Tell her point blank you will never marry and never marry her. Do not waste anyone's time or use anyone.

She makes a big point of wanting marriage and a child etc which I've always said I would love in time and with the right person and relationship.

[Troubled5]

So many varying opinions! I guess everyone sees things differently. To confirm a few things:

 

My gf is not a spare part in this house. I love her being involved, where she is not, is 100% self inflicted.

 

When my daughter is with her mum, me and my gf do things together, meals out, nights away, name it and we have done it ... and guess what, no moods or agitation.

 

We spoke yesterday and she apologised for the latest row and said she feels terrible for what she said, too little too late in my eyes. Also highlighting that she 'loves' how I am with my daughter and the lack of a real relationship with her 'sperm donor' dad (although they do see each other and speak. He genuinely cares for his kids but just in a different way to me so I guess she thinks that's the norm).

 

How do I continue with this when I feel like I am being judged for being who I am and being the parent I want to be? I wont apologise for being myself, ever.

 

This judgement apparently comes from her and her family so that doesnt make me feel great when we spend time together either.

 

They are not a particularly close family like I am with my Dad, very 'showy' and disingenuous from my view but I have never said a word about it ... they are her family and it's not my place.

 

I am not blame free, I know that but I do my best by both to make both happy and I have always been genuine and honest, just doesnt seem enough for her so some of the comments are a little harsh to me.

 

What would you do in a relationship where you felt you, as a person, were being questioned over the way you do x, y and z??

[Wiseman2]

It's perfect that she did not pass your tests for getting married and now when pressed you have the perfect out. It seems you want different things.

too little too late in my eyes.

 

How do I continue with this when I feel like I am being judged for being who I am and being the parent I want to be?

[Seraphim]

So like I said she is jealous of your daughter and the bond you guys have and what she didn’t get with her own dad.

[Batya33]

If I were in a relationship as a parent to a 10 year old child (which I am except I am married to his dad!) - but it I were divorced and dating my son would come first at this stage of dating. So if I felt my partner was judging how I parented in the way your girlfriend is it would raise red flags. But I wouldn't have had the new person this involved this fast with my child because your choice to me was not in your daughter's best interests. So part of her feeling she can overstep boundaries is based on a situation you chose. I think the way you asked your question is far too broad -there are many instances where a partner will overstep and get judgey about various aspects of the other person's life - (nagging partner, etc) and the couple resolves it. That is why I responded to your specific situation.

 

Also I agree with Seraphim.

[ThatwasThen]

the lack of a real relationship with her 'sperm donor' dad (although they do see each other and speak. He genuinely cares for his kids but just in a different way to me so I guess she thinks that's the norm).

That's what I imagined early in your thread.

 

You know what my "guess" is: If you two have a child together, she will resent anytime you devote to that child as well because she will be resentful and jealous. Being a father involved is not normal for her.

 

She will likely always be "sorry" for her reactions to your parenting style and you will feel the brunt of her chagrin verbally.

 

I think you moved her in way too early and I hope you don't just settle because she's there and it will be a hassle to have her gone.

 

I don't know what to tell you but maybe some parenting books regarding what a 21st century hands on father looks lie might help her adjust?