I don't know if I should break up

[jaklin]

I met my boyfriend when I was 17 and he was 23. At the time I was very enchanted by him but as time has passed I am having serious doubts about our relationship. We have been together for 4 years now. Let me give a few examples of things that worry me:

 

- Even early on he made me feel bad over things I have no control over. He would complain that he couldn't go to the pub with me even tho he knew I was underage (btw I am from the Uk so it wasn't illegal for us to date). He would also make me feel bad over other things like me putting an eczma cream at night becuse he doesn't like the feeling of it.

- He's always right. And he always remembers what happened exactly no matter how much time has passed. And in those very rare instances when he cannot win an argument he just says 'okay you're right there you go, leave me alone now I am tired', so I end up aplogising anyway.

- All my interests are stupid, no matter if I am reading about the origin of the universe or watching a comedy, whatever I am doing its always bad and he doesn't take an interest in anything.

- There is no communication, its all rosy or a full-blown argument.

- He said a lot of hurtful stuff. When my grandma was sick and I was crying he didn't comfort me because 'he couldn't relate and I should speak to my family'.

- He is extremely vengeful towards other people. He is also very strict and if someone does something he doesn't like they are automatically a bad person (e.g. smoking pot) - unless it's his friends, they get a pass.

- He has very little respect to people who aren't equally educated.

 

However, with all that said. He's not always bad. He can be very helpful (physical stuff like dropping me off, paying for a meal when I am broke) and loving towards me (almost clingy) and shows me loads of affection when times are good. Obviosuly I am not perfect either and I am a rather stubborn person with issues of my own. We have a lot of good memories together and my part of me just wants to push forward and see how things will turn out. But the rest of me knows that we have gone past a point of no return. I also have a chronic fear of abandoment and I don't know how I'd cope without him.

 

Sorry for this post being so rambly, a lot of things happened and its very difficult to collect my thoughts.

[SarahLancaster]

Personally, I think the cons outweigh the pros in this relationship. You should never stay with anyone who degrades you and is disrespectful.

[LC8328]

Personally, I think the cons outweigh the pros in this relationship. You should never stay with anyone who degrades you and is disrespectful.

 

I have to agree. Also, the good things he does for you are more like favors. Being clingy is not a good thing either.

 

In other words...I would end this. I know it's easier said than done; however, he's rude, refuses to see perspectives other than his own, insensitive..the list goes on and on. You could do better. Being alone would be better. Seriously.

 

I wish you luck.

[SGH]

I'll say to you what I've said to many on this forum: the very fact that you made a post outlining all of the (relevant and completely justified) complaints about your relationship pretty much indicates that you should end it. I know it's hard when you've been with someone for a long time and through your late adolescence/early adulthood, but exiting this relationship will eventually lead you to the right person who treats you with love, care, trust, and respect.

[rainorshine]

I agree with the above commenters -- from what you wrote, the good seems to heavily outweigh the bad. It also seems that in your heart, you know you need to end things for the betterment of yourself and your happiness, but you are struggling with accepting the realization that comes with no longer having him in your life.

 

I can relate to your situation completely; I was in the same position as you in my previous relationship, and two months ago I finally found the strength to end our relationship (we had been together for 2.5 years). However, the process to come to that decision was truly anguish. He did have good qualities of course, but I was also able to sit down and write a laundry list of negatives (disrespectful, emotionally immature, huge ego). At that point, it wasn't something I could ignore anymore. I knew I owed it to myself and to him to go our separate ways, and once I did break up with him, I was flooded with relief knowing a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

 

I think you will find the same feeling. It is hard, and expect to have sadness, too, over losing someone you invested so much time and love into. But you deserve to be with someone whose negatives are not related to their character; you should LIKE your partner as a person before anything.

[Rose Mosse]

Education/social status complex, finance and health issues, and bad choices in friends. This man is a walking disaster. Please break up with him, get back in touch with your family and friends and start carving a better life for yourself. Don't lower yourself so badly and see a professional about your abandonment fears.

 

You should try to work on you and work harder to support yourself eventually. Someone paying your bills or giving you car rides are not forms of endearment. It's a lack of ability on your part and you should be addressing those shortcomings seriously. Don't depend on someone else to support you.

[MissCanuck]

OP, let's be real: dude is a self-righteous jerk.

 

Sure, he's alright sometimes, but his general behaviour toward you is rude and has no place in a relationship. This isn't what love looks like, which I suspect you already know. You will be okay without him; in fact, you'll be better.

[RayofLighten]

He's awful, why are you with him?

[catfeeder]

It's unfortunate enough to stunt the years you're forming into an adult by narrowing your focus onto a long term relationship with someone fabulous, much less with someone who puts you down.

 

We never get any time back to live over again. I'd move forward. You'll thank yourself later after you've had a change to grow into your fabulous Self.