First Contact in Ten Years

[misestopieces]

It's literally impossible to know what her motivations are.

 

I find it difficult to believe, after 8 and a half years, she emailed you to get closure. And now wants to escalate to phone?

 

Possible but not likely imo.

 

She could be lonely, in a dry spell, has some regrets; her email was a "feeler" email.

 

I mean after all this time it would be crazy for her to just pour out her feels and announce she wants to try again.

 

Hence the feeler email.

 

You responded, which on some level tells her you still care. Now she wants to talk on phone.

 

If you have no interest in pursuing this, you need to nip this in the bud asap.

 

So this letter you sent her was in response to her email mentioned in your opening post?

 

 

Sorry for being confused on the time-line of the letters.

 

Yes, I just sent that today.

[ThatwasThen]

Yes, I just sent that today.

 

So then you chose (B) from the choices mentioned in your opening post.

a) just pretend I never saw the email; or b) write something nice but without any attempt at keeping a conversation going.

 

So, you've made a decision on what to do about her email.

 

Let us know how she responds to your apology and what her intention is in contacting you in the first place. Nothing else to do or say to you now but wait.

[Carus]

By the way, I have NOT responded.

You also have not answered my questions from page one.

 

Hard for me to give my 2 cents until you do....

 

Carus*

[misestopieces]

It's literally impossible to know what her motivations are.

 

I find it difficult to believe, after 8 and a half years, she emailed you to get closure. And now wants to escalate to phone?

 

Possible but not likely imo.

 

She could be lonely, in a dry spell, has some regrets; her email was a "feeler" email.

 

I mean after all this time it would be crazy for her to just pour out her feels and announce she wants to try again.

 

Hence the feeler email.

 

You responded, which on some level tells her you still care. Now she wants to talk on phone.

 

If you have no interest in pursuing this, you need to nip this in the bud asap.

 

So then you chose (B) from the choices mentioned in your opening post.

 

 

So, you've made a decision on what to do about her email.

 

Let us know how she responds to your apology and what her intention is in contacting you in the first place. Nothing else to do or say to you now but wait.

 

She got back to me. I'm 98% sure she is trying to get back with me. She is trying to arrange a phone call to catch up. She keeps mentioning how well I used to treat her and how she can't forget it. She has been meaning to call for two years.

 

So her relationship (maybe the same guy she met after me) has been crap for a while and now it's over and maybe he's already with someone and she is not. So she is definitely romanticizing the path not taken. At least I think so.

[misestopieces]

It's literally impossible to know what her motivations are.

 

I find it difficult to believe, after 8 and a half years, she emailed you to get closure. And now wants to escalate to phone?

 

Possible but not likely imo.

 

She could be lonely, in a dry spell, has some regrets; her email was a "feeler" email.

 

I mean after all this time it would be crazy for her to just pour out her feels and announce she wants to try again.

 

Hence the feeler email.

 

You responded, which on some level tells her you still care. Now she wants to talk on phone.

 

If you have no interest in pursuing this, you need to nip this in the bud asap.

 

I agree with LHGirl^^

 

But 2 questions which came to mind for me were:

 

A) Are you in a relationship currently?

and

B) Would you want to get back together with her?

 

You could always just catchup over coffee with no expectations.....

 

The other thought I had was "10 years! Holy sh*t!".....lol

 

Carus*

 

No and I am not sure. I used to think of her as the one that got away, but now I'm over that sort of thinking.

 

And we are half a continent apart. So it is not realistic.

[Annia]

She got back to me. I'm 98% sure she is trying to get back with me. She is trying to arrange a phone call to catch up. She keeps mentioning how well I used to treat her and how she can't forget it. She has been meaning to call for two years.

 

So her relationship (maybe the same guy she met after me) has been crap for a while and now it's over and maybe he's already with someone and she is not. So she is definitely romanticizing the path not taken. At least I think so.

 

I suspected already that she was suddenly sending emails and wanting to talk on the phone due to a break up and feeling lonely and sad that her ex is already with someone. She seems to be looking for a rebound, so she went to her past relationships list and thought you'd be a good candidate to try to get some reassurance from.

[RayRay63]

Seeing as you have clarified that you dumped her, and apparently you are both single, and each have had other relationships in the meantime, and are likely older and wiser ... why not talk to her?

 

You say you are a half a continent away from her, so you are not going to get into a relationship with her. Therefore, give her some validation and a bit of an ego boost when she is down. It won't cost you anything after all this time.

[misestopieces]

Seeing as you have clarified that you dumped her, and apparently you are both single, and each have had other relationships in the meantime, and are likely older and wiser ... why not talk to her?

 

You say you are a half a continent away from her, so you are not going to get into a relationship with her. Therefore, give her some validation and a bit of an ego boost when she is down. It won't cost you anything after all this time.

 

Exactly. I was annoyed when I first heard from here, but posting here has made me reconsider what really happened. I was inconsiderate and selfish. I can be nice now.

[misestopieces]

I suspected already that she was suddenly sending emails and wanting to talk on the phone due to a break up and feeling lonely and sad that her ex is already with someone. She seems to be looking for a rebound, so she went to her past relationships list and thought you'd be a good candidate to try to get some reassurance from.

Absolutely.

[Wiseman2]

Go with B. She probably just got dumped or divorced if she just suddenly came out of the woodwork like this. Keep in mind you were not on her radar for a decade.

b) write something nice but without any attempt at keeping a conversation going.

[tattoobunnie]

This guy I dated for 4 months (we were friends through friends two years prior) when I was 18 was suppose to visit me for V-day. He ditches me to buy a car. I break up with him. 14 years later, he reaches out. We banter pasttimes. We meet up (we were three hours apart). Just friends. And now, we're married with kids.

 

So it's really a matter of, did you two have a great time? Can you two be friends? Do you want to be friends? If the answer is a "Hell No". then forget about it. No need to respond. She broke up with you, and you are under no obligation to respond.

 

Edit: Oh, so you broke up with her. Wait, so why is she apologizing?

[Carus]

This guy I dated for 4 months (we were friends through friends two years prior) when I was 18 was suppose to visit me for V-day. He ditches me to buy a car. I break up with him. 14 years later, he reaches out. We banter pasttimes. We meet up (we were three hours apart). Just friends. And now, we're married with kids

Haha. Wow! Anything really IS possible...! :)

 

I wonder what Gary 'Hollywood' Snyder would say about this? ;-)

[Gary Snyder]

I tend to get back with old girlfriends at least once, sometimes twice. I know it never ends well.

 

Yup. After a long breakup the love usually dies to a point of no return.

 

It's not like Tv and movies - you can't go back.

 

This guy I dated for 4 months (we were friends through friends two years prior) when I was 18 was suppose to visit me for V-day. He ditches me to buy a car. I break up with him. 14 years later, he reaches out. We banter pasttimes. We meet up (we were three hours apart). Just friends. And now, we're married with kids.

 

- good for you, that's one! But that's one in five-thousand. Do others think that's good odds?

 

Millions play the lotto and never win.

[Carus]

But that's one in five-thousand. Do others think that's good odds?

 

Millions play the lotto and never win.

Hehe....Well said mate. I knew that'd get a reaction outta you :)

 

Just wanted to see you admit that it does happen....but yes I agree, the odds are low*

 

Carus*

[ThatwasThen]

Exactly. I was annoyed when I first heard from here, but posting here has made me reconsider what really happened. I was inconsiderate and selfish. I can be nice now.

She is half a continent away. Why are you entertaining anything with her now? It's futile for goodness sakes.

And we are half a continent apart. So it is not realistic.

 

Be nice now and let the communication fade.

[misestopieces]

Go with B. She probably just got dumped or divorced if she just suddenly came out of the woodwork like this. Keep in mind you were not on her radar for a decade.

 

She says she's been wanting to call for two years. I wanted her to call for the first six years. Poetic since it seems the former started as soon as the latter ended.

[misestopieces]

She is half a continent away. Why are you entertaining anything with her now? It's futile for goodness sakes.

 

 

Be nice now and let the communication fade.

 

I know a couple who dated in college, then broke up for ten years. The woman got married and was pregnant with her second child when they met up again. She got out of her horrible marriage and the guy dumped his gf. They got together and have been happily married for almost ten years. They have two children of their own now. So it definitely happens.

 

It turns out I feel flattered but uninterested. I just needed to work out my own level of responsibility for the breakup and now I can give her a sense of closure while not looking to the past to fulfill me. After all, it can't.

[ThatwasThen]

I know a couple who dated in college, then broke up for ten years. The woman got married and was pregnant with her second child when they met up again. She got out of her horrible marriage and the guy dumped his gf. They got together and have been happily married for almost ten years. They have two children of their own now. So it definitely happens.

Did they live a half a continent away from one another?

 

It turns out I feel flattered but uninterested. I just needed to work out my own level of responsibility for the breakup and now I can give her a sense of closure while not looking to the past to fulfill me. After all, it can't.

Good... that's that then.

[katrina1980]

K

Hehe....Well said mate. I knew that'd get a reaction outta you :)

 

Just wanted to see you admit that it does happen....but yes I agree, the odds are low*

 

Carus*

 

There is a poster on this forum -- she and her husband dated and broke up; after 8 years they got back together and have been happily married for many years, don't know exactly how many. So that's one more!

 

I think it's more common than we think!

[ThatwasThen]

K

 

There is a poster on this forum -- she and her husband dated and broke up; after 8 years they got back together and have been happily married for many years, don't know exactly how many. So that's one more!

 

 

I think it's more common than we think!

Oh getting back together is quite common. It's the working out and "they're very happy" that is uncommon. ;)

[katrina1980]

Oh getting back together is quite common. It's the working out and "they're very happy" that is uncommon. ;)

 

Yeah but generally speaking, the odds of many relationships "working out" happily ever after are low. Regardless of whether they dated previously or not.

 

Here in CA, the divorce rate is something like 85%!!

 

No joke.

[ThatwasThen]

My point: As you say, "working out happily ever after is low" so why make the odds even lower by returning to a relationship with someone you (the general you) couldn't make it work with to begin with? Of course there is always an exception and someone always knows some who have managed to make it work... I think it depends a lot on what the reason for the original break up was and if the issue(s) have been resolved.

[katrina1980]

My point: As you say, "working out happily ever after is low" so why make the odds even lower by returning to a relationship with someone you (the general you) couldn't make it work with to begin with? Of course there is always an exception and someone always knows some who have managed to make it work... I think it depends a lot on what the reason for the original break up was and if the issue(s) have been resolved.

 

Oh yeah that's very true, I wholeheartedly agree with you about that!

 

But people are gonna do what they want to do regardless of whether it's smart or not, or what the odds are of it working out..

 

This forum has taught me a lot about that!

 

It's all a risk anyway, and we just gotta let things play out sometimes but in general I agree with you! :)

[RayRay63]

I think the big exception to the general rule is if it was a situational break-up, rather than an incompatibility break-up (real or perceived). Obviously it is a long way back if one party cheated or was abusive, too long really.

 

The classic example is a break-up where one person moves away geographically to work/study, you break up or don't, but they find someone local at some point.

 

The situation changed. Maybe it can change again. Maybe it won't, because both people grow and change in the interim, and can actually become incompatible.

 

In essence I am saying that -

 

- if the situation that caused the separation is resolved (and in particular, where it was geographic distance);

 

- and the break up was handled kindly, probably with some tears on both sides, but no drama or shouting (I think this is a biggie);

 

- and years later there is still mutual attraction there, and both people are single and feel the spark;

 

then there is more chance than the average (which I agree is a very low % integer) of a successful reconciliation.

[misestopieces]

Did they live a half a continent away from one another?

 

Good... that's that then.

 

K

 

There is a poster on this forum -- she and her husband dated and broke up; after 8 years they got back together and have been happily married for many years, don't know exactly how many. So that's one more!

 

I think it's more common than we think!

 

Oh yeah that's very true, I wholeheartedly agree with you about that!

 

But people are gonna do what they want to do regardless of whether it's smart or not, or what the odds are of it working out..

 

This forum has taught me a lot about that!

 

It's all a risk anyway, and we just gotta let things play out sometimes but in general I agree with you! :)

 

True. I have discovered that people online really don't get the nuance of individual situations.

 

I have discovered a lot more about what was going on when we broke up. I'm not going to share any more details here because from this point on, no stranger's advice matters.

 

I do appreciate the sounding board and apl your opinions on her calling back. I'll take it from here!